Tag Archives: airlines humor

Reasons Why I Hate You on The Flight

1. You brought an unnecessary “service animal.” I get it. You’re anxious. Flying can be nerve wracking if you don’t do it a lot. If you’ve got a legit dog that can notify others if you’re having a seizure, I’m not talking to you. You’re good. If you have an emotional support animal, well that’s different. If you think that you’re anxious on a flight, imagine how your pet feels. You at least know what it is. They have no idea what’s going on and are probably terrified the whole time. Leave Fluffy home, get a xanax or two from your doc, order a glass of wine and go to sleep.

2. You need both arm rests: For some reason known only to airlines, unless you’re in first class, the seats are so close together that there are shared arm rests. Listen, I don’t care who you are, if I don’t know you, I don’t want my skin touching your skin for the next three hours. Don’t assume that both armrests are your domain. You’re not that fecking important.

3. Keep your shoes on: Hey Zen master, it’s nice that you like to make yourself at home on the plane, but keep your shoes on asshat. Bare feet are for the beach, not the 6:10 flight to Newark. You may love your foot stink in a small confined space with recycled air, but I don’t.

4. The “I can’t wait to get off the plane people.” The second the wheels touch the ground these impatient dolts spring from their seats, get their idiotically oversized bag out of the overhead compartment, hit at least two people as they get the bag to the floor, and then they stake their claim to a spot in the aisle right next to you and then stand there with their ass right next to your head for the next 15 minutes. Calm down Speedy, guess what? You’re not going anywhere until the twenty rows ahead of you get out of the plane.

That is all. Safe travels. So what people do you hate when you travel?

Have a great Sunday!~Phil

Ten Things Airlines Should Change

I’m traveling this week, and it’s hard not to notice how some airlines have stripped down the comforts of flying to save money. On some airlines it’s so bad  that I’m surprised the seats aren’t just lawn furniture duct taped to the floor. Obviously when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going pass laws mandating minimum standards of comfort on flights. Here are The Top Ten Things Airlines Should Change:

1. Heated massage seats: Seriously, how great would this be?

2. When boarding the passengers, fill the plane from back to front: This would prevent people from walking down the aisle hitting all the other passengers with their ridiculously oversized “carry on” and from preventing you from getting to your seat while they clog the aisle like a piece of human cholesterol (the bad kind) trying to jam their bag in the overhead compartment. And you first class people can stop your whining now. Whether you get on first or last the plane still leaves at the same time.

3. Have the pilot mix in a loop de loop now and then: Flights are boring. This would spice things up a bit. Hello passengers, please fasten your seat belts and put your hand on top of your drinks.. My co-pilot Bucky just bet me ten dollars that I can’t get this thing to do a barrel roll. 

4. Just let us roll down the window a little bit: There’s nothing worse than sitting next to the farty passenger in the stale, stagnant, recycled air. Sometimes I want to pull down the oxygen mask just to get a fresh breath. We’d only need to roll down the windows a little. They could put a lock on them so we can’t put them down far enough to get our heads out. (who just pictured being in a plane with your head out the window like a dog?)

5. Themed Flights: Just like themed cruises. Costumes, music, Disney characters, whatever. Hooters flights, why not?

6. A USB charging port at every seat: This is the biggest no-brainer ever. I know some airlines have it, but shouldn’t it be mandatory every where?

7. A Shoes on policy: I don’t care what you’re reason is, no one should take their shoes off on a flight. It’s not a beach and I don’t need to see or smell your feet.

8. McDonald’s food on board: Or any decent baseline food that most people can recognize or accept. Airline food is not acceptable and under the Geneva Convention of 1949 qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. The flight attendants should have sedatives: Not for anxious passengers, but for obnoxious ones. The flight attendants could release it remotely through those little blowers above each seat and the annoying passenger would doze off for the rest of the flight not even knowing why.

10. What’s Your Seat Wheel! All seats, including first class, will be determined by a spin of the wheel at the gate. How fun would that be? There will also be a mystery celebrity on board every flight and the seat next to them is also on the wheel. Congratulations! You didn’t get first class, but you do get to sit next to Dustin Diamond!

abcnews.go.com

abcnews.go.com

If you enjoyed what you read at #ThePhilFactor today please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or reblog buttons below. And if you know where the joke picture between #6 and #7 came from, say so in the comments. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things Airlines Should Change

I’m traveling for work this week and will be spending too much time inside airplanes. This post is actually a re-run because I’m too busy to put the time in to craft a new coherent Top Ten list. Also, the time change is screwing me up. I’m 6 hours behind my home time and for the people in the U.K., they’re 12 hours ahead of me. I’ll be surprised if anyone reads this. The first time through, this was very popular and elicited a lot of suggestions from comments about what the readers would like to see airlines change. Feel free to chip in with your two cents.

Airphil Express Banner

It’s hard not to notice how some airlines have stripped down the comforts of flying to save money. On some airlines it’s so bad  that I’m surprised the seats aren’t just lawn furniture duct taped to the floor. Obviously when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going pass laws mandating minimum standards of comfort on flights. Here are The Top Ten Things Airlines Should Change:

1. Heated massage seats: Seriously, how great would this be?

2. When boarding the passengers, fill the plane from back to front: This would prevent people from walking down the aisle hitting all the other passengers with their ridiculously oversized “carry on” and from preventing you from getting to your seat while they clog the aisle like a piece of human cholesterol (the bad kind) trying to jam their bag in the overhead compartment. And you first class people can stop your whining now. Whether you get on first or last the plane still leaves at the same time.

3. Have the pilot mix in a loop de loop now and then: Flights are boring. This would spice things up a bit. Hello passengers, please fasten your seat belts and put your hand on top of your drinks.. My co-pilot Bucky just bet me ten dollars that I can’t get this thing to do a barrel roll. 

4. Just let us roll down the window a little bit: There’s nothing worse than sitting next to the farty passenger in the stale, stagnant, recycled air. Sometimes I want to pull down the oxygen mask just to get a fresh breath. We’d only need to roll down the windows a little. They could put a lock on them so we can’t put them down far enough to get our heads out. (who just pictured being in a plane with your head out the window like a dog?)

5. Themed Flights: Just like themed cruises. Costumes, music, Disney characters, whatever. Hooters flights, why not?

6. A USB charging port at every seat: This is the biggest no-brainer ever.

7. A Shoes on policy: I don’t care what you’re reason is, no one should take their shoes off on a flight. It’s not a beach and I don’t need to see or smell your feet.

8. McDonald’s food on board: Or any decent baseline food that most people can recognize or accept. Airline food is not acceptable and under the Geneva Convention of 1949 qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment.

9. The flight attendants should have sedatives: Not for anxious passengers, but for obnoxious ones. The flight attendants could release it remotely through those little blowers above each seat and the annoying passenger would doze off for the rest of the flight not even knowing why.

10. What’s Your Seat Wheel! All seats, including first class, will be determined by a spin of the wheel at the gate. How fun would that be? There will also be a mystery celebrity on board every flight and the seat next to them is also on the wheel. Congratulations! You didn’t get first class, but you do get to sit next to Dustin Diamond!

abcnews.go.com

abcnews.go.com

If you enjoyed what you read at #ThePhilFactor today please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or reblog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil