A Halloween Top Ten: Ten Ways People Ruin Halloween

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. If I wasn’t a full grown adult I’d dress up and go Trick or Treating. I do have some pet peeves though about people who don’t share my love of this holiday.


10. “Fun Size” candy: There is nothing fun about a candy bar so small that it wouldn’t give a sugar rush to a hummingbird. For cripes sake! It’s once a year, you can splurge for the full size.

9. Turning Out Your Lights: Are you the house that turns out your lights and hides in a back room pretending you’re not home? We hate you and you deserve to have your house egged.

8. Making it about religion: Lighten up Francis! (If you know what movie that quote came from put your answer in the comments) The kids aren’t worshiping Satan, they’re worshiping a sugar buzz. Once someone in my neighborhood was handing out popcorn balls with religious notes attached to them. If I knew who it was I’d have called the police.

This isn’t me, but I wish it was

7. Handing out popcorn balls or apples or pencils or McDonald’s coupons. When I was a kid we were told never to take the apples because there might be a razor blade in them. Now the health food nuts are giving them out like candy.

6. Not having Halloween in your neighborhood: I hate when groups of parents decide they’ll have a neighborhood party or that the kids will trick or treat at the local shopping mall. Geez! How did these people grow up and at what age did the demon suck out their souls? Theirs are the kids who will rebel later and get arrested for egging houses or putting flaming bags of poop on someone’s front porch.

5. Not allowing re-visits: If a kid has the endurance and initiative to make a second lap around the neighborhood, more power to them! They’re getting exercise. If they have a different costume second time around I give bonus candy.

4. Adults who don’t dress up: If you don’t wear something Halloweeny to work on today or refuse to answer your door for the kids tonight then just click out of this page, close your browser and don’t ever come back.

3. Women who think men don’t respect the sexy Halloween costumes: Memo to ladies: Men hate cutesy couples costumes. Let us be Batman or an Army guy and you can be the Sexy Nurse, Sexy Zombie, Sexy Football Player, Slutty Pumpkin. (Btw, if you get the Slutty Pumpkin reference put it in the comments) Whatever. We don’t care. Just dress up and let your inner sexy self out.

2. People who don’t decorate their house: I want to start a neighborhood where over the top Halloween decorating is mandatory. If you don’t, you have to move out immediately or the rest of the neighbors will egg and toilet paper your house every day until next Halloween.

1. The fixed Oct. 31st date: When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law mandating that Halloween will occur on the last Saturday of September regardless of the date. In September so there’s better weather for the kids to go out and on the last Saturday so we can all have parties, the kids can stay up late and we can all relax, sleep in and take down our decorations the next day.

As always if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

37 responses to “A Halloween Top Ten: Ten Ways People Ruin Halloween

  1. For the first time in 15 years I won’t be hosting the Halloween block party and I’m super bummed. Apparently my neighbors aren’t too fond of the lady that bought our house so maybe they’ll smash her pumpkin or egg her door. I hope someone takes pics if that happens.

  2. Aww feck.

    I’ve never had a halloween in North America before so I has no idea that the candy size was important! I bought a big box of chocolate fun sized bars…now I find out I did it wrong. 🙁

  3. “Slutty Pumpkin” from How I Met Your Mother? 🙂 Great post Phil!

  4. Terrific post! I hide our candy two weeks before Oct 31st from my kids, but it’s always gone before the actual day because I haven’t figured how to hide it from myself yet. Then inevitably, I run out of candy (no matter how much I buy in advance!) during prime trick-or-treating hours and while I’m out making a sugar run, I put a note on front lawn that says… “Please don’t egg our house, haven’t you heard of binge eating disorder?”

  5. We here in India have never experienced this holiday .. I really fantasise to enjoy this someday ! happy halloween 🙂

    • I hope you do. I wonder if you have something similar in India?

      • Bhut choturdoshi is something similar .. but celebrated only in the state of West Bengal .. and that too is not very popular ..
        People in West Bengal state, believes that, on this night the spirits wander free on the streets, and try to take shelter in their houses. In order to thwart this effort, and keep their homes safe, they light candles and lamps and put them on the doors of their homes.

      • I see the similarities. Thank you for telling me about Bhut choturdoshi. I’m going to look it up and read more

  6. Quote from Stripes, right? Happy Halloween, Phil!

  7. Number 9 is defo me 🙂

  8. Stripes, HIMYM.

    Confession: I hardly did any decorating this year. I had so many side-projects for my actual haunt that home stuff just didn’t get done. Now, if my neighbors were more into it they’d probably be the sort to say, “hey… where’s all your shit? Do you need help this year?” and maybe it still would have gotten done. But They aren’t and it didn’t so… yeah. Fuck it, there’s always next year.

  9. Good list, Phil.

  10. I’m not a fan of Halloween, but I’m not all about being a killjoy for others’ fun!
    I got the Slutty Pumpkin reference — Have you got a hanging chad?

  11. I’m with you on half these things
    But costume’s not my thing
    I just dress weird the other days
    Cause it’s always Halloween

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