The Plot of Every Hallmark Christmas Movie

Yes, it’s that time of year. “Christmas?” you say. No, Christmas is just a secondary annoyance. To all the people born with a uterus it’s the most wonderful time of the year, otherwise known as Hallmark Christmas movie time! Or as Lacey Chabert, Dean Cain and Candace Cameron Bure call it, “The only time we make any money.”

Being married to one of these Hallmark movie loving people, I’ve inadvertently seen several Hallmark Christmas movies and I couldn’t help but notice that each unique Hallmark Christmas movie has the exact same plot as every other Hallmark movie. To save you time watching the actual movies, here’s how it goes:

Guy or gal who left home several years ago and is very successful at some high falutin’ job in a big city somewhere comes back to their Smalltown, USA hometown for Thanksgiving or a funeral. Oh no! Their family’s business is failing! What? They need to stay longer than they planned. Maybe until Christmas! I can’t believe it. What are the chances of that?!!?

Successful and attractive returning guy or gal runs into the sister or brother of a friend they knew in high school. He or she “was just a kid back then” but now they’re “all grown up” and they’ve really blossomed into a hunk or a hottie. At first they may not like each other but everyone else can see the obvious chemistry. Despite the fact that they annoy each other, they have to work together to save the business, ranch or whatever.

Of course it will all inevitably lead to a playful snowball fight between the two in the town square. And they both realize they like each other and they kiss.

Guess what everyone, that’s the plot of every episode of The Gilmore Girls too. You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you the trouble of watching every single Hallmark movie this year. But you know what? I know you’re going to watch them. It’s as inevitable as that moment when the returning hometown hero says that “this is where I’ve wanted to be all along” as they hug their new love and gaze at the Christmas tree.  Cue Christmas music and fade out to credits.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

27 responses to “The Plot of Every Hallmark Christmas Movie

  1. Too funny, Phil. I confess to watching more than a few Hallmark movies and to my surprise, my husband is now a fan. As predictable as the plot may be, the movie always ends on a high note, a major plus for us “seniors.” 😀

  2. so funny and so true

  3. As a uterus owning person, I can honestly… and proudly! … say that I have NEVER watched a Hallmark Christmas movie. Or Thanksgiving movie, or Easter movie or whatever other holiday they make these bland, tear jerking clones for. I believe I was forced to try once and have never gotten over the trauma.

  4. Grinch.
    Sincerely, Mrs Phil

  5. You’re not wrong, but I do enjoy the holiday cheesiness of these movies. They’re just so silly and cute that I can’t help but consume as many as possible.

  6. This is the plot of every romance novel, too. You’ve saved us a lot of wasted time reading as well! Thanks Phil!

  7. Wait! Wait! You missed the best part. You missed THE CRISIS. Right after the kiss, comes the crisis. An old boy/girl friend calls, these is a misunderstanding. Doubts rise, storm clouds gather.

    It’s my favorite part. Oh please, oh please, I cry, keep the crisis going! But they never do. It ruins everything.

  8. THANK YOU, Phil. You have done a public service. No coal in your stocking this year.

  9. I have never found the appeal of these shows, but my youngest daughter is a huge fan. So much so that she was near tears last year when she realized she wouldn’t be able to watch them here in Germany. However, there has been a Christmas miracle this year. We found a website that she can watch them this year. Ugh.

  10. When I read your title, I just knew I’d love this post! And I do!
    I do have a uterus, but I freakin hate that crap, and it makes me glad I can watch Frasier on Netflix instead of Lifetime, because OH EM GEE, these are the cheesiest ‘next on …’ ads ever!!!
    One of my kids told me they’re on streaming now. I can avoid them.

  11. Well, I was born with a uterus, even though it abandoned me a few years ago for a life on the road, but I can tell you that I have never watched any of these movies and I never will. Ick! But I do know, through an inadvertent glance at something left on my porch, that Harlequin romances are doing porn now, and that’s even worse–same stupid plots but with poorly written sex scenes!

  12. Isn’t watching cheesy feel good movies part of Christmas?

  13. Hubby loves these movies and it drives me crazy. I’ll be sitting on the couch reading a book while he watches these movies, and it infuriates him that I can predict everything that happens. I should print this post and laminate it for him.

  14. Pingback: The Top Ten Phil Factor Posts of 2018! | The Phil Factor

  15. Mary Balthazor

    So dang true…all their plots are the same…just different actors…all the mystery plots are the same too

  16. Don’t forget the “interrupted kiss” and the “misunderstanding based on hearing half of a conversation which must (and will) be overcome”.

Leave a Reply