Category Archives: Humor

The 6th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

If you’re new here you may be wondering what the Snap Judgement Oscar Awards are. The Phil Factor Snap Judgement Oscar Awards, also known as The Phillies, is one of the most prestigious versions of the Oscar Awards because first of all, they are given by me, and secondly, I base my decisions on the same idiotic, half-informed logic that you use when you pick a movie to watch. I haven’t seen most of the movies and I’m basing my opinions on completely ridiculous reasons. So without further self-indulgent blathering, we’ll let the winners do that, let’s get on with the show!

Image courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

The nominees for Best Actress in a Supporting Role are: Amy Adams (Vice), Marina de Tavira (Roma), Regina King (If Beale Street Could Talk), Emma Stone ( The Favourite), and Rachel Weisz (The Favourite). As much as I love Emma Stone for her work in three Spiderman movies, both she and nominee Rachel Weisz, are ruled out because their movie apparently occurs in 1800’s era England, so basically it’s a Downton Abbey rip-off. Marina de Tavira gets credit because her name is Marina and getting through life named after a place people park their boats has got to be a tough gig. I did see Amy Adams in a movie in 2018. It was Arrival and to be honest, if aliens are coming to Earth why would they talk to Amy Adams instead of me? So, the 2019 winner of the Phillie for Best Supporting Actress goes to Regina King of If Beale Street Could Talk because I’ve never been to New Orleans and I’d like to go.

Photo courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter

The nominees for Best Actor in a Supporting Role are: Mahershala Ali for Green Book, Adam Driver for BlacKkKlansman, Sam Elliott for A Star Is Born, Richard E. Grant for Can You Ever Forgive Me, and Sam Rockwell for Vice. Mahershala, I’m sorry, but you’re out because I’ve never heard of your movie. Adam Driver, because your name broken down is “A dam driver”, and you didn’t choose to make that the official pronunciation, I have no respect for you. Sam Elliott? Puh-leeze! We’re over your mustache. Without it you’d never have gotten a role. It’s 2019, don’t you know beards are in? The winner of the 2019 Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Supporting Actor is Sam Rockwell for his portrayal of George W. Bush in Vice. He makes Republican President George Bush seem absolutely adorable in comparison to you know who.

Picture courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter

The nominees for for Best Actress are: Yalitza Aparicio for Roma, Glenn Close for The Wife, Olivia Colman for The Favourite, Lady Gaga for A Star is Born, and Melissa McCarthy for Can You Ever Forgive Me? Yalizta is immediately ruled out because they spelled the name of her movie wrong. It’s Rome with an E. Lady Gaga is out because her name sounds like something a one-year-old would say when learning to speak. Melissa McCarthy for Can You Ever Forgive Me? No Melissa we can’t. Your best work was in Gilmore Girls. The winner of the 2019 Phillie for Best Actress is Glenn Close because of the irony of her film title. In her most memorable role, Fatal Attraction,  she played a mistress and now she gets the nod as The Wife.

Picture courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter

The 2019 nominees for Best Actor are: Christian Bale for Vice, Bradley Cooper for A Star is Born, Willem DaFoe for At Eternity’s Gate, Malek for Bohemian Rhapsody, and Viggo Mortensen for Green Book. Bale is out because he was the most forgettable Batman ever. Willem DaFoe will never get the nod until he fixes his ridiculously bad first name. Rami Malek can’t win best actor because the best movie version of Bohemian Rhapsody was sung by Mike Myers in Wayne’s World. Viggo Mortenson can’t win because Viggo sounds like one of the Teletubbies. So, by process of elimination, the 2019 Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actor goes to Bradley Cooper for his work in The Hangover.

Picture courtesy of Decider.com

The nominees for the 2019 Phillie for Best Picture are: Black Panther, Bohemian Rhapsody, The Favourite, BlacKkKlansmen, Green Book, Roma, A Star Is Born, Green Book, and Vice. The Favourite?!!? It has the Canadian/English spelling of Favorite, so it’s definitely out. Vice? Can’t win because when was the last time any Vice-President was on screen for two hours? BlacKkKlansman? Nope. I won’t even put up with jokes about racism on my blog. Green Book? Yawn. Roma? Had they actually served Italian food at the movie showing this would have been a shoe-in. That brings us down to Black Panther, A Star Is Born, and Bohemian Rhapsody. Look, if I wanted to see a musical, I’d go to Broadway, so the winner of the Phillie for 2019’s Best Picture is Black Panther because I love a good superhero movie and this was also awesome in 3-D. All the other movies only had two D’s. Also, it had Martin Freeman who played Jim on the original The Office made in England.

Feel free to share to social media so you and your friends can prep for your Oscars parties. Have a great Sunday and enjoy the lame Oscars show! ~Phil

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The Unemployment Diaries Week 3: A Video Blog!

WordPress again saw fit not to put my post in the Reader, so for a mildly amusing video of me, possibly in various states of undress or not, feel free to click the link below.

via The Unemployment Diaries Week 3: A Video Blog!

The Unemployment Diaries Week 3: A Video Blog!

Well, I’m still out of work, but I’m finding ways to fill my time. It’s not really week 3 anymore, but I had some challenges with the Youtube Beta editing software. Here’s an update Enjoy!

Thanks for spending four minutes of your day with me. As always, if you enjoyed this feel free to share by hitting one of the social media buttons below! Have a great Saturday and come back tomorrow for my 6th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards! ~Phil

Throwback Valentine’s Thursday! Top Ten Rejected Candy Heart Sayings

You know those chalky candy hearts that for the better part of a century have been shared on Valentine’s Day? They’re so cute with their little candy inscriptions of “I love you” or “Hugs” or other nonsense. I imagine though that there were some ideas that didn’t make it.

10. It’s not you, it’s me

9. Not a cold sore

8. Maybe Next Time

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7. Better late than never

6. It’s eczema. Yes, there.  I swear.

5. The Phil Factor

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4. My last test was clean

3. You paying for dinner?

2. Almost divorced

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1. It’s not yours!

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you! One of the things I’m in love with is comments. What are your funny ideas for rejected candy hearts sayings?

Have a great day, Valentine’s or otherwise! ~Phil

It’s Groundhog Day!

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In case you didn’t know, it’s Groundhog Day. Who doesn’t love this movie? Especially since Bill Murray’s character was named Phil. Coincidence? I think not. This post was originally written for #ThePhilFactor on Feb. 2, 2006 and I now post it every year, over and over, just like Phil’s Groundhog Day in the movie.

(Feb. 2, 2006) Last week I waxed philosophic about the idiocy known as The Dr. Phil Show. This week, and today in particular it’s Punxsutawney Phil. Groundhog Day the movie: Good idea. Groundhog Day the tradition: Stupid idea. The dimwitted people of Punxsatawney, Pennsylvannia have been shoving a rodent through a hole in a tree stump for almost 200 hundred years to find out if there will be 6 more weeks of winter. Hey morons, you live in the Northeast! There’s always 6 more weeks of winter! Check the calendar! It says that Spring starts on March 21st. That’s 7 weeks from now. You don’t need a rat being spooked by his shadow to figure this one out. At this point I’m getting tired of all these wanna-be Phil’s trying to horn in on my fame. If, coincidentally, a shot were to ring out in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania today and a certain rodent were to explode in a puff of fur, I was kidding when I wrote this. No harm meant, just a joke. You’ll all be my alibi right?

I’m curious, for those of you from other countries, do you have a Groundhog Day? As always, if you enjoyed this vintage Phil Factor feel free to share it via the social media buttons below. Come back Saturday for a brand new Phil Factor. Have a great Friday!  ~Phil

TBT! The Official Blog of The Super Bowl

(Jauary 31, 2015) I’m not saying that The Phil Factor is The Official Blog of The #SuperBowl, and I’m not saying it’s not. What I am saying is that I want to get a cease and desist letter from the National Football League’s lawyers.

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For those of you not from the States, or from the U.S. but you just don’t care, this weekend is the championship game of the National Football League, otherwise known as the #SuperBowl. I’m hashtagging those words, linking to their site, and making a point of using the phrase ‘Super Bowl’ because the NFL literally tries to sue anyone who uses the phrase “Super Bowl” without paying them millions of dollars to do so. (I’m putting the words Super Bowl in bold print on the off chance that they’ll be more noticeable when someone from the NFL is looking at the internet.) Some networks even prohibit their announcers from saying Super Bowl out of fear of being sued by the NFL. Comedian Steven Colbert has taken to calling it the Superb Owl.

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I call bullshit. I don’t care who you are or what entity you’ve created, no one gets to own words. When I’m elected President, or #SuperBowl MVP (Most Valuable Phil), whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating “No people or corporations can own words.” It’s a stupid idea that someone can own the rights to the words #SuperBowl. I’m pretty sure that the words super and bowl were around long before American football. In fact, on Downton Abbey last week Mr. Carson was bringing soup to the Earl and Countess in this big, ornate dish and the Earl said, “Why Mr. Carson! That is the most super bowl I have ever laid my eyes upon!” Downton Abbey happened a hundred years ago, so there’s your proof that someone else used the phrase first.

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What if I really do own a super bowl? You know, one of those cool ones with a picture at the bottom that you can’t see until you’ve eaten every drop. That is truly a super bowl. Or what about the people who invented the Perfect Bacon Bowl? That has got to be the superest of bowls. If there were a vote I’m pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl beats out football as the best kind of bowl. I’m also pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl people aren’t going to sue me for mentioning their product. In fact, they might even send me a free Bacon Bowl maker for mentioning it (hint, hint). Click on the video below. The song is a hilariously awesome and may sound more than a little like Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.

I’m also sure that the folks in the legal marijuana states of Washington and Colorado  think their bowls are pretty Super too. Is the NFL going to sue anyone there who says to their smoking buddy “Man, this is one super bowl“?

I’m not afraid to say any word I want. And by the way National Football League, what in the hell makes you so arrogant to think that you have to police the world to make sure no one uses your phrase? I would like to hereby announce that I am legally forbidding anyone from referring to themselves as the official anything of #ThePhilFactor unless I declare it. There you go National Football League. I dare you to declare your #SuperBowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. You know what though? I’m not going to sue you if you do. They’re only words. If you think my blog is so awesome that you want to affiliate yourself with it, great, but it’s going to cost you. In fact, nevermind. The title is already taken. I’m officially declaring that the Perfect Bacon Bowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. And if the Perfect Bacon Bowl people wanted to buy advertising space in my sidebar I’m not opposed to that.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor, which is the #SuperBowl of blogs, please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great #SuperBowl weekend! ~Phil

I Have 3 Problems with the Polar Vortex

So I thought, “Phil, everyone loves cute, whimsical pictures of kittens. If you had a kitten on your blog more people would read it.” Seriously, how many of you saw the picture and said, “Awww!” and clicked on this to read more? Read on my frozen friends because the kitten wasn’t just a trap to lure you into my evil clutches. He’s related to the story. Prior to that sentence I had never thought of myself as having “evil clutches”, but there you go. It’s out there. It’s a thing. What is an evil clutch anyway? A cute little hand bag made by Satan?

This week much of the country is engulfed in the worst cold spell we’ve endured in a while. I have three problems with The Polar Vortex.

Problem Number 1: They named it. In an effort to make their marginalized profession seem more important, meteorologists are naming virtually every weather event so they can grab some headlines. The Polar Vortex does sound like an evil nemesis from Antarctica, which is awesome. (Apparently they couldn’t go with Mr. Freeze because the Batman franchise had that trademarked) But seriously, do we need to give every gust of wind and downpour a name? It used to be just hurricanes, but now every tropical storm, typhoon, and cold snap gets a name. I want a job on the committee that comes up with those names. How fun would that be? I’m also disappointed that not one weather forecast has brought out the Snow Miser video.

Problem Number 2: People in  warm states freaking out. Seriously everybody, it is just cold air. Zip up your coat and go to work. Maybe put on a hat, like the kitten in the picture.

It’s so frozen that Elsa was arrested

Problem Number 3: The idiots. Some science geeks suggested that for fun people boil water, go outside when the temperature is at least 50 below zero Fahrenheit (about -46 for my Celsius friends) and throw that water in the air to observe it turning into snow before it hits the ground. Pretty cool idea right? Yes it is pretty cool, unless you’re one of the idiots who said to themselves, “It’s only 17 below but I’ll try it anyway.” For those idiots it was pretty hot when the wind blew scalding water back in their face and these idiots filled emergency rooms to have their burns treated.

Doing my extensive scientific research for this column I did come across a video of actress Vanessa Hudgens actually performing this experiment successfully but I chose to go with the picture of the kitten. You’re welcome.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor I would love it if you would hit the Facebook, Twitter or Google+ share button below. Have a great Saturday! ~ Phil

picture credit: chud.com