Category Archives: Humor

The People At Your Super Bowl Party

We may be going to different Super Bowl parties this weekend, but a lot of the people at our parties will be eerily similar and equally irritating. Read on and see if you can identify these folks at your party this Sunday. If you can’t, you’re probably one of them.

The Gambler: He may know when to hold’em but he doesn’t know when to fold’em or when to shut up. This guy always wants you to know the “over/under” and how much he’s got riding on the game. And he spends most of the game fuming and stomping around every time an officials “b.s.” call threatens to upset the point spread he wants. He usually has a “prop bet” on the coin toss too. Unfortunately if the game doesn’t go his way The Gambler turns into The Belligerent Drunk. That is unless the black lab covers the spread in his bet on The Puppy Bowl.

toshcc.com

toshcc.com

The Referee: This tool has to explain every official ruling on the field as if he’s calculating a quadratic equation. He’ll usually say something like: “Well that was an illegal formation because the half-caff flanker position moved from a three point stance to a two point stance without waiting for a pause in the snap count while the rigamarole motion was ad infinitum. Now normally the refs would let that go but because of the down and distance and clock situation they were forced to call it.” Yeah thanks coach, I can’t imagine why you don’t win your fantasy football league every year.

The Commercial Lover: I hate to stereotype, but this is usually a woman. We all know her. She has no clue about what teams are in the game and often thinks that one teams “costumes are pretty.”  She usually says, “Oh I love the Super Bowl because of the commercials. I heard this year that Doritos and Coca Cola combined  for a commercial where The Pope break dances with a 3-D video of Michael Jackson. Oh wait, wait, wait, QUIET EVERYBODY, I think this is it. SHHHHH…I want to see this one. Did you see that? That was so funny! Oh my god! BEST Super Bowl commercial EVER!” Usually I’m secretly rooting for the drunk, belligerent gambler to spill his beer on her.

joyreactor.com

joyreactor.com

Team Jersey Guy: This guy arrives at the party first and only brings a bag of chips. He grabs a beer and immediately plants his un-athletic physique in the recliner directly across from the television an hour before kick off and won’t leave that seat until the game is over. If you’re the homeowner you might as well just haul that chair out to the curb after the game. You won’t want to keep it.  He doesn’t even get up to get another beer. “Oh, hey, if you’re going out to the kitchen could you grab me a brewski?” Once he’s settled in he’s almost as bad as The Gambler. Team Jersey Guy is also the pleasant guy who tries to wave your children out of the way if they walk in front of the t.v. during the game and you swear his head will explode if one of the kids even mentions switching the channel to The Puppy Bowl.

Contributions From the Peanut Gallery: Because I got several great suggestions in the comments when I posted this last year, I’m going to add them here and credit their contributors.

The Phone Clutcher:  Every party has a pooper– and he or she is usually that person whose gaze is on his or her smart phone, more often than it is upon the TV screen. They get noticeably antsy when told to put their phones down, and often can be found in dusty corners hugging the only thing they care about in the room. Why they go to these parties, I have never figured out. This spot on contribution came for Ally of The Spectacled Bean. Go visit her blog. She’s always interesting.

The Grazers: The grazers are the guys who don’t talk or interact with the rest. They just keep filling their plate and wandering around the house with no reason to be there other than the food. This great one is from John Howell of Fiction Favorites. Go visit John, he’s always got some great writing going on.

The Hater: The person who comes for the “party” and doesn’t care about the game, and proceeds to complain about the game the whole time. They’re always trying to get someone to play cards with them or something. This one is from Dr. Meg Sorick who still believes the Steelers got gypped. Her blog deserves a visit because she writes better than she dresses.

If you have any other suggestions for Super Bowl party people please add them in the comments. This list will evolve every year based on your suggestions. Even my friends from other countries can play! Feel free to add suggestions from your experience at football parties of your own.

This year be sure to look for The Phil Factor commercial during the halftime show. If you miss that, feel free to share this to other social media using the buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~ Phil

What Would Your Groundhog Day be like?

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Spoiler alert, in case you didn’t know, Sunday is Groundhog Day. Who doesn’t love this movie? Especially since Bill Murray’s character was named Phil. Coincidence? I think not. Also, here’s another spoiler alert, today, February 1st, 2020, I added a new question at the end of this post that I’d be very interested in hearing your thoughts on.

This post was originally written for #ThePhilFactor on Feb. 2, 2006 and I now post it every year, over and over, just like Phil’s Groundhog Day in the movie.

(Feb. 2, 2006) Last week I waxed philosophic about the idiocy known as The Dr. Phil Show. This week, and today in particular it’s Punxsutawney Phil. Groundhog Day the movie: Good idea. Groundhog Day the tradition: Stupid idea. The dimwitted people of Punxsatawney, Pennsylvannia have been shoving a rodent through a hole in a tree stump for almost 200 hundred years to find out if there will be 6 more weeks of winter. Hey morons, you live in the Northeast! There’s always 6 more weeks of winter! Check the calendar! It says that Spring starts on March 21st. That’s 7 weeks from now. You don’t need a rat being spooked by his shadow to figure this one out. At this point I’m getting tired of all these wanna-be Phil’s trying to horn in on my fame. If, coincidentally, a shot were to ring out in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania today and a certain rodent were to explode in a puff of fur, I was kidding when I wrote this. No harm meant, just a joke. You’ll all be my alibi right?

I’m curious, if you could have one day of your life to do over until you get it right, what day would that be and why? As always, if you enjoyed this vintage Phil Factor feel free to share it via the social media buttons below. Have a great Friday!  ~Phil

The Elf From Hell

This isn’t really a throwback because it’s timely and relevant every year and I intend to keep posting it until all the demented parents stop waging psychological warfare on their young children.

elf

(12/22/2012) Most of you are familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right?  In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischievous minions of the red suited overlord who spy on the every move of children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 15 years ago as a new, and for some toy making company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for my kids I wasn’t aware of The Elf on the Shelf when they were young enough to believe in it.

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Parents put these little Elves on a shelf and the children are told that the Elf cannot be touched or it will lose it’s Christmas  magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, “What a bunch of maroons!” The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning.

Of course this crazy little ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They’re terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on my shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night? I would never go to sleep again. The kids have got to be too terrified or too tired to misbehave. No wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

I have a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining that this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile is moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife? What if in some home where they’re torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives?

This tradition sounds like psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder?

dannyoulittlerock.com

dannyoulittlerock.com

Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear somewhere this holiday season you could give my books, Time To Lie  and the sequel The Last Locked Door, available in paperback, e-book, and Audible. Give the gift of reading this holiday season and have a great Saturday! ~Phil

The Plot of Every Hallmark Christmas Movie

Yes, it’s that time of year. “Christmas?” you say. No, Christmas is just a secondary annoyance. To all the people born with a uterus it’s the most wonderful time of the year, otherwise known as Hallmark Christmas movie time! Or as Lacey Chabert, Dean Cain and Candace Cameron Bure call it, “The only time we make any money.”

Being married to one of these Hallmark movie loving people, I’ve inadvertently seen several Hallmark Christmas movies and I couldn’t help but notice that each unique Hallmark Christmas movie has the exact same plot as every other Hallmark movie. To save you time watching the actual movies, here’s how it goes:

Guy or gal who left home several years ago and is very successful at some high falutin’ job in a big city somewhere comes back to their Smalltown, USA hometown for Thanksgiving or a funeral. Oh no! Their family’s business is failing! What? They need to stay longer than they planned. Maybe until Christmas! I can’t believe it. What are the chances of that?!!?

Successful and attractive returning guy or gal runs into the sister or brother of a friend they knew in high school. He or she “was just a kid back then” but now they’re “all grown up” and they’ve really blossomed into a hunk or a hottie. At first they may not like each other but everyone else can see the obvious chemistry. Despite the fact that they annoy each other, they have to work together to save the business, ranch, town  or whatever.

Of course it will all inevitably lead to a playful snowball fight between the two in the town square. And they both realize they like each other and they kiss.

Guess what everyone, that’s the plot of every episode of The Gilmore Girls too. You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you the trouble of watching every single Hallmark movie this year. But you know what? I know you’re going to watch them. It’s as inevitable as that moment when the returning hometown hero says that “this is where I’ve wanted to be all along” as they hug their new love and gaze at the Christmas tree.  Cue Christmas music and fade out to credits.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Happy Thanksgiving from The Phil Factor

Photo courtesy of Charles Schultz

In the United States it’s traditional to get together with family on Thanksgiving and share the important things you’re thankful for before gorging yourself on a meal centered on the large, dead carcass of the ugliest bird in North America. Every year everyone shares the usual platitudes about being thankful for family, friends and good heath. Duh! Who can’t come up with that? When I decided to write this I set out to write a positive, uplifting post so that my loyal readers don’t think that my every thought and written or spoken word are tinged with biting sarcasm. So without further adieu, here are some of the everyday things I am thankful for:

1. Girl Scout Cookies: Holy crap! Paradise in cookie form! Thin Mints, Do-Si-Dos, Tagalongs, Samoas, Dulce de Leche and many more. Most of the names are completely meaningless in relation to what the actual cookie is, but who the hell cares? I think the mysteriously weird names add to our desire for them. Great cookies, but the Girl Scouts organization is one of the dumbest businesses in existence. They have a product that is universally loved and they only sell it one month a year? Morons! All of them. Their stupid little badges certainly aren’t in business administration. If they sold those cookies year round they’d be a multi-billion dollar operation listed on the New York Stock Exchange. If they sold those cookies year round they could put crack cocaine out of business.

2. The Keurig Coffee Maker: I don’t give a rat’s ass if they price those stupid little “pods” at $5.00 each, it will be well worth it if I can keep getting my morning cup of joe in 30 seconds. My time is valuable and Keurig gave me back about 5 minutes of every morning where I don’t have to stand there staring a a gurgling coffee maker.

3. Screw cap wine bottles: How does it make the wine better if you have to use a separate device that looks like it was designed for medieval torture to open it? And how often have you had the cork break and you have to use all sorts of improvised techniques to get it out and then the wine still has a bunch cork pieces in it that you fish out with your fingers? My wine sources tell me the screw cap is coming back. Simpler is better. Leave the corks for the French snobs to wrestle with. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, all wine bottles will have screw caps.

4. Twitter: As you know, I love my Twitter. If anything big happens anywhere in the world it’s on Twitter instantly. If I need a laugh, give me one minute with my Twitter feed and one of the everyday comedic geniuses on Twitter will give me a smile. Want to know an opposing viewpoint? It’s there on Twitter.

5. Fantasy Football: Yes, it’s a corny little hobby and yes, it’s actually a form of gambling, but outside of my job, this is one of two things that I’ve spent a lot of my free time over the last twenty years. The other thing that the rest of my free time has been spent on? This blog.

All of You: Lastly I’m thankful for all of you, friends, family, co-workers, and strangers from all over the world. You make my day with your likes and comments. I know that over the past year I haven’t blogged much. I’ve had a lot of real life going on in my life, but I appreciate that many of you have popped in here or by email or twitter to say Hi. I plan on getting back to weekly blogging and visiting all of you wonderful friends that I’ve followed for years. Happy American Thanksgiving to you no matter where you’re reading this from. In the comments, if you’re in the bathroom hiding from family, why don’t you add something unusual that you’re thankful for today!

Have a great day! ~Phil

Daylight Stupid Time

This is my bi-annual reminder that tonight in the United States we move our clocks back by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

Daylight-Savings-Time

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about ten years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

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B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks ahead an hour now but we turn them back in the Fall, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anythying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The Unemployment Diaries: The Final Installment

Hi everyone! I’m still out here and alive. I’ve actually been back to work for a little over three months but wasn’t blogging much due to the stress, time and travel of the new job. This is a video blog I made about four months ago about the idiocy and proliferation of podcasts but never posted it until now. If you love to hate podcasts, then this is right up your alley. Although, if you do have an alley, I’m kind of jealous. Anyway, enjoy! #ThePhilFactor

Do We Really Need All These Podcasts? 

Have a great Thursday and feel free to leave comments! I’d love to hear your thoughts on podcasts. ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Body By Phil

08/24/13 According to the results of a study published by Dr. Tracy L. Tyka of Ohio State University, “Men are affected by those pressures in the media … or the pressures that others put on them to look more muscular,” she said.

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For years women have decried the unrealistic images of feminine beauty portrayed in the media. “That’s unrealistic,” we heard. “No real woman looks like that.”  “She’s airbrushed.” “Those are fake.” Well guess what ladies, it’s our turn.

That’s right. You just need to back off and let us get fat. We may all be working on 6-pack abs, but it’s a 6-pack of Budweiser. Let’s call a truce between men and women. How about if the men stop idealizing Hollywood anorexics and supermodels and you stop drooling over Bradley Cooper and Matthew McConaughey? We’ll let you have your curves if you let us have ours. In fact, it’s my opinion that men have it harder than women when it comes to pressure to have perfect bodies. Yes, you heard me right. On the dating scene you may think you need to be all tall and busty to attract men, but that is far from the truth. We’re guys. All you have to do is to be female and we’re happy with that. Do we have standards that we judge women’s bodies by? Of course we do. If you have a body we’re basically happy. Women on the other hand demand their men be 6 feet tall and built like a Greek god.

I think Dr. Tracy L. Tyka of Ohio State University said it best when she said, “Instead of pressuring men to be more muscular, (we need to) accept men’s bodies for what they are and instead focus on internal characteristics.”

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Hey, I don’t create the news, I just report it. If a scientist says it, then it must be true. That’s right ladies, we’re not just sex objects, we have feelings too ya’ know! Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t about me.  I’m a total smokin’ hottie.  I was at the Man Meeting the other night and some of the other guys were getting down about this stuff, so I told them I’d mention it to you.

As always, if you enjoy what you read here at #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook or Twitter share buttons because that’s a form of exercise too.  If you enjoy my humor in the short form here you may enjoy more of it in the form of my books that are in the sidebar there. Have a great Thursday!

I (Theresa) May Be A Psychic!

Actually, there is no “may” be a psychic. I am and I’ve gotten another one right. In my annual predictions post back on December 30th I said, “Will Brexit Exit? And What About Theresa May’s Love Life? I’m bringing back an old prediction because it looks like it will be coming true, just not in the exact time frame that I foresaw. In December of 2016 I predicted that Britain would try to reverse course and not leave the European Union. In that prediction that you can read HERE I predicted the reversal of Brexit plans and I also predicted the hashtag #UnBrexit. Feel free to go check Twitter for that, it’s there. The oddity about this prediction is that the Brexit drama will end Theresa May’s reign as Prime Minister. She will be an outcast in her own country and will move to the United States, write love letters to imprisoned Donald Trump, and eventually begin a relationship, with conjugal visits, that will end in marriage. Sorry about that conjugal visit image that’s now stuck in your head. If it’s in my head, I want it in your head.”

If you hadn’t heard Theresa May is resigning as British Prime Minister effective June 7th. Now we just need to see how soon she and Donald Trump start hooking up.

Theresa, when she heard my prediction five months ago.

I’d also like to predict that you’ll read my hilarious books because they might be full of psychic predictions. That’s right, what if I have carefully woven psychic predictions into the plot throughout? They are stories about a time traveler, so is it possible that maybe they aren’t fiction? Maybe I’m getting my future predictions from a reliable source. You’ll never know unless you read them!

I’m predicting you will have a great weekend! ~Phil

Coming Soon!

It’s the long awaited sequel to Time To Lie!

Landon has only scratched the surface…

Landon barely survived his freshman year at college, and he’s discovering that he has only scratched the surface of his time traveling powers. He plans to do good with his newfound powers, but a murderous pair of mystery men would kill to stop him.

His hilarious friends are back with him for his sophomore year at college and as he’s making new friends, he’s also learning that no one can be trusted, maybe not even those in his inner circle.

Landon meets a beguiling but mysterious girl who intrigues him with the possibility that she can see inside his soul and into the future. Is she for real, and will she steal him away from his beloved Siobhan?

There’s treachery at every turn and Landon is in a time traveling fight for his life and many others. He knows that he can’t do this alone, but who can he trust?

The truth is just a lie you’ve chosen to believe, and yours may be different than mine.

If you enjoyed the first one, you’re in for plenty of new surprises in this one. If you didn’t read the Time To Lie, why not? It’s available for Kindle, Audible, and in paperback. It’s a fun, fast read. Get caught up on the story and get ready for The Last Locked Door (at the end of the universe). If you’d like to get a free Kindle copy of The Last Locked Door in exchange for a review on Amazon, just say so in the comments and I’ll add you to the exclusive list of early edition reviewers.

~Phil