Category Archives: Humor

All I Want For Christmas Is…

It’s the holidays! Time to agonize over whether or not you got your loved one the perfect gift. Guys, if you’re in a relationship, the right or wrong gift could make or break everything. No pressure. Beware-gift-card

Well? How did you do? Did you get the right gifts for your loved ones for Christmas or Hannukah? Or did you cause irreparable damage to the relationship? Most holiday gifting comes with the same angst of “Did I pick the right gift? Did my gift say too much? Or too little?” When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law.

The law will state that the correct gift is always…drumroll please…the gift card. I am in love with gift cards. I love them so much that for Christmas I want to buy a gift cards for gift cards to show them how much I love them. I would sleep with gift cards on the first date. In the checkout line it’s all I can do to restrain myself from buying gift cards for myself. I know I could buy the same stuff for myself with actual money, but isn’t having a gift card so much better? It feels like you’re getting stuff for free, even if you paid for the gift card.

Bought-a-gift-card..

I was in a large, big box hardware/lumber store last week and I came across the biggest gift card kiosk/endcap I have ever seen. As I rounded the end of the aisle and my eyes gazed upon the 8th Wonder of the World a great and pure light shone down from above and I heard a chorus of heavenly angels. It might have been a circular saw, but with that Mount Rushmore of gift cards in my sights it sure sounded like angels. It was so big that I’d need to summon an apron wearing lackey to get a ladder if I wanted a gift card from the top row. If that wall of gift cards was a chocolate river then you can call me Augustus Gloop.

I mean seriously, how can you go wrong with gift cards? If you know someone likes something and you buy them a gift card for it, they get exactly what they want. Or who doesn’t like going to a restaurant for free? “What is this?!!? A bill for my meal! Pishaw! Take that filthy thing away for I have a gift card!”  That is literally what’s going on in my head when I get to use a restaurant gift card. If I could put on a fur-lined red velvet robe and crown while I bellowed that to a waitress I think I could die a happy man.

To the detractors who would say, “Well giving a gift card shows that you didn’t put any thought into it.” Really? Even if you got a gift card for their favorite store? Yeah, your idea of buying clothes that are the wrong size is always so much more thoughtful. I love returning things or wearing some ill-fitting, hideous garment just so you can feel good about yourself for choosing such a “thoughtful gift.”

You know what? They even have gift cards for an amount of money. At first I didn’t understand this, thinking it was somewhat redundant, but now I understand the genius. A gift card for money is also thoughtful. You can use it like a credit card. It won’t bulk up your wallet or cause you to have to do any tedious counting of paper money. A gift card for money won’t cause you to receive 98 cents in change that you will then throw into your pocket, a jar or car cup holder never to be used. With a gift card the change stays right on it for you to use next time. The best thing about gift cards for money is that you can use them to buy other gift cards!

You know who has a great gift cards? Amazon and Barnes & Noble. They also have my books. I’m just sayin’. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

The Curse of Being a ‘Christmas Baby’

Yes, today is my birthday. My parents told me that I spent my first Christmas in the hospital and was brought home in a Christmas stocking on December 26th. They told my older brother that it wasn’t Christmas Day until the 26th. And he believed it! What a maroon! He was the dumbest 3 year old ever.

My first baby picture! (pic credit to https://www.artstation.com/yoneyu Go check out her stuff)

That’s what I looked like more or less.  I bet that all of you must know someone that was a Christmas baby. And I would bet that you all said the same exact annoying thing when you found out that someone was born close to or on Christmas.

My parents took that picture of me with the Santa hat on my butt every year until I was 14. It got kinda awkward after age 10. As I was saying, there’s something that every person in the world says as soon as they find out that you’re a “Christmas baby.” I’m at the point where I’m sure they notice me visibly clenching my fists and rolling my eyes.

This is actually a current picture of me. My goatee is starting to look just like that. Ugh.

Ok, ok, I know that you’re saying, “C’mon Phil, stop dragging it out. What’s that super annoying phrase that you assume is a curse for all the Christmas babies?” This is a blog post that could’ve been a tweet, huh? Well, it’s my fecking birthday and I’ll write anything I want! Ok, here it is:

“Oh, you’re a Christmas baby! Do you lose out on gifts because your birthday is so close to Christmas? You probably get a lot of Birthday/Christmas combo presents, right?” 

I believe that I have heard some version of that question over 4000 times in my life.

Best version of A Christmas Carol EVER!

I have two weird little quirks that my parents saddled me with; one is them having had sex nine months before Christmas, which condemned me to a lifetime of hearing that stupid question. For the sake of Christmas babies everywhere, I’m going to quote Bill Murray as Frank Cross in Scrooged, “Would you please, for the love of god, and your own body!, stop the damn…” questions about our fecking birthday presents !!! 

That is all. I hope you all enjoy my birthday today!

~Phil

My Christmas Form Letter To Everyone

It’s that time of year again! The time for the year in review Christmas form letter. It’s always touching when our relatives treat us like customers. Typically these form letters take one of two directions. The first and most typical is the “What a wonderful year we had!”

“Dear Relative/friend, 2021 was a wonderful year for my family. I started a new job six figure job, and my wife did the research that resulted in the Covid vaccine. The kids are doing well. Johnny aced the S.A.T., didn’t miss a question! He’s now been accepted into a Ph.D program at Harvard even though he’s only 14. Susie was named Miss Junior America and will be touring the country speaking out against make-up companies testing lip gloss on kittens. The picture on the front of the card is the new Bentley we got after winning the lottery.

The best course of action the next time you see these relatives is a swift, stunning punch to the forehead that will cause them to spill nog all over their tacky sweaters. They deserve this because they are lying about how fantastic their life is, or if their life is really that great then the bruise on their forehead will remind them that life is tough and they shouldn’t get too cocky.

awkward1

The second kind of Christmas letter is my favorite. It’s the disaster letter. These are the people who make you feel so much better about yourself and your life.

“Hello everyone, it is with a heavy heart that we wish you Season’s Greetings. Sadly our twenty-seven year old cocker spaniel passed away from canine Covid last week. He was delicious.  In more upbeat news from our family it has been a year of triumphs! We’ve all had Covid twice and survived. In fact, scientists from the university are pretty sure that the Omicron variant began in our very own house! Can you believe it? And now it’s famous!

Also, little Johnny learned to poop indoors and that rash on Susie’s face cleared up. As soon as we get insurance we’ll get her lazy eye looked at. Home schooling is going well and they are both on track to graduate by the time they’re 21. We’re so proud! Once Trevor finds a job we’ll buy some train tickets and come visit!

The best course of action with these relatives is to tell them you’re moving and you’ll forward them the address as soon as you get settled.

awkward-family-holiday-cards-06

I would just like to note that none of the pictures in this post are from my family. If I were to write a Christmas form letter to anyone reading this it might read:

Thank you to anyone who has read The Phil Factor even once. It’s been a wonderful year thanks to all of you. Thank you to those who have read one of my books and those who clicked Like or shared my weekly Phil Factor as well as those that have shared their thoughts in my comments section. Regardless of what religion or holiday you may or may not be celebrating this season, thank you for every little click you’ve directed at me in some way. In the comments below, which Awkward Family Christmas photo makes you cringe the most?

awkward-christmas-family-photos--large-msg-135455988475

As always, Happy Wednesday, and if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below.

The Ten Best Christmas Movies EVER? Let the Debate Begin!

Every holiday season I post this list and it evolves based on readers suggestions and new movies that come out. If you have favorites that didn’t make the list please add them in the comments section and maybe you’ll influence next years list.

10. Christmas Vacation (1989) Added to the list this year by popular demand in response to last years Top Ten is Christmas Vacation, which knocked The Nightmare Before Christmas off the list. What do you think? Should a different movie have been taken off the list? Christmas Vacation fun fact: The assistant director of Christmas Vacation is the grandson of the director of It’s a Wonderful Life.

1Scrooged (2)

9. Scrooged: (1988) A modern re-telling of the Charles Dickens classic starring Bill Murray. I think that even Dickens would agree that this is way better than the original.

8. The Family Man (2000) Starring Nicholas Cage and Tea Leoni. Most people don’t think much of Nicholas Cage, but in this movie he nails the role of an investment banker who through a Christmas miracle is shown the path not taken in his life. I like this one so much that it knocked Die Hard off the list. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it and come back here and tell me what you think.

Santa Clause(2)

7. The Santa Clause: This 2004 movie starring Tim Allen screamed instant classic the first time I saw it. Also, any movie that includes Judge Reinhold is a must watch.

love-actually-original-soundtrack-cover

6. Love Actually: (2003) This is the best Christmas movie there is about stodgy British people trying to get it on, but it’s a favorite with the ladies, so it made the list. Around the holidays the ladies get what the ladies want.

Polar Express(6)

5. The Polar Express: (2004) Tom Hanks is a better actor as cartoon character.

evilbuddy_400x400

4. Elf: (2003) Starring Will Farrell, this is the most quotable of all holiday movies. “I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.” or “Buddy the Elf. What’s your favorite color?” What’s your favorite Elf quote? Put it in the comments

miracle-on-34th-street-3x3

3. Miracle on 34th Street: (1947) I’ve never watched the color version and I don’t plan to. I’ve loved this one since I was a kid, especially the brilliant court scene when Santa’s lawyer wins by having the postmen deliver the letters to Santa. That was the last time the post office delivered anything on time for the holidays. Also, has anyone else noticed that the entire movie is about the lawyer guy trying to get with the little girls single mom?

A Christmas Story(2)

2. A Christmas Story: (1983) It is right and just that TBS plays this movie for 24 hours straight every year.

Its-a-wonderful-life

1. It’s a Wonderful Life: (1946) Yes, I’m an old sentimental fool. I still love it every time when Mary is hidden in the bush and has lost her robe and George says, “Now this is a very interesting situation.” Who doesn’t wonder where the movie might have gone had his friends not pulled up in the car at that moment. Bow bow chicka chicka… Also it’s pretty cool to me that the town of Bedford Falls is based on a small town in upstate New York that I drive through all the time.

Ok, that’s my list. What do you disagree with? What movies would you put on the list?  And don’t forget those Elf quotes! Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

Size Matters!

That’s a title that should get some attention, but it’s not what you think. As Ryan Reynolds once said in the hilarious sit-com Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place (1998-2001)Come, sit, admire my big brain!”

I didn’t talk about this back in the Spring when it happened, but last April, out of nowhere, I had a massive migraine headache. I had never had one before, and the symptoms of this particular one were more like the symptoms you might have if you had a stroke, and that’s how they evaluated me at the hospital.

At one point after a brain scan a tech mentioned “some brain shrinkage” and off-handedly said “But that’s normal.” First, no guy wants shrinkage, especially George Costanza. Who remembers that episode?

As someone who has one of the genes responsible for Alzheimer’s and whose father had Alzheimer’s, hearing that you have brain shrinkage is particularly alarming. After watching my father get progressively worse over a number of years until his passing earlier this year, my biggest fear is that I will end up like him.

Following the ER visit where they decided that it was only a migraine headache, I was determined not to end up like my father. I began reading about Alzheimer’s, how and why it occurs, and possible behavioral/nutritional interventions to minimize my chances of forgetting all of you wonderful online friends over the next twenty years.

I just want Alzheimer’s that makes me forget every Keanu Reeve’s movie I’ve ever seen.

I’ve decreased my alcohol consumption. I’ve gone back to playing table tennis. I just signed up for piano lessons. I exercise every day. I’ve altered my diet, minimizing sugar intake and increasing fruits, vegetables and plant proteins, as well as intermittent fasting 2-3 times a week. I also have a half-caff cup of coffee once in the morning and once in the afternoon. All those things have added up to me feeling like my brain is sharper every day.

Because of a previous cancellation, yesterday was my first follow up with the neurologist. He was interested in whether I had any more migraine symptoms since the ER visit. I told him that I had some very mild symptoms now and then. Nothing that impairs my functioning or even bothers me much. I told him that my bigger concern was Alzheimer’s. I told him about my father and my genetic testing.

This is what I feel like my brain is now

He pulled up my brain scans on his laptop and said that there was not really any shrinkage and couldn’t understand why the tech had said that. He looked at an image of my brain and actually said, “That’s a great looking brain.” And he emphasized that it almost appeared as if my brain could barely fit inside my skull.

I walked out of that appointment feeling like I was floating on a cloud. A weight that I didn’t realize I was carrying was suddenly off my shoulders. I know though that I can’t let my guard down. Alzheimer’s is in my genes and it could get me if I’m not careful. At the end of the day though, all I’m thinking about, with a smile on my face, is that I don’t have any “shrinkage” and I have “a great looking brain.”

Don’t take anything for granted and have a great weekend! ~Phil

I Know What You Googled In The Dark

Like opening Christmas presents, the list of search terms that brought people here is always surprising. I know I have my regular readers who are nice, sane, intelligent people. Then there are the people that get to The Phil Factor by “Googling” something. My blog will turn up in their list of search results and they get intrigued by one of my clever titles. What most people don’t know is that if someone owns a website, you can get a list of the creepy, crazy and downright bizarre search terms that bring people to your site. This my friends is the top ten list of the weirdest search terms that brought strangers here in 2021.

10. Glutes are made for walking: If you’ve seen my glutes, you know this is spot on, but how did google know about my glutes?

That’s me in the crystal ball. I’m not the lady

9. The Phil Factor Psychic Predictions 2022: 2022? It looks like someone was looking to the future. Yes, in case you didn’t know, I’m psychic and each December I publish my predictions for the coming year. You may scoff (see I’m predicting your behavior), but I have had many of my most outlandish predictions come true. Some even from the last year. If you want to read some of my past psychic predictions, just google The Phil Factor psychic predictions and add the year. Come back here on Dec. 31st for my psychic predictions for 2022.

8. Popes Perks: You’ve got to figure that there are some cool ass perks to being the best known religious official in the world, right? Click the title below to see what I had to say about that in 2015. The Top Ten Perks To Being The Pope

7. Which Generation Eats Tide Pods? Someone searched that term and came to my blog for answers. Believe it or not, I had the answers RIGHT HERE.

6. Coolest Safe Words: When you and your partner want to get a little risky in the bedroom, who can you count on to provide you with the best safe words? That’s right, I’ve got your back, or your front or whatever side you may be doing “things” on when the lights go out. Check out Ten Fun Safe Words

5. Sexting Examples in Hindi: In case you’ve been living under a rock over the last ten years, I’m proud to inform you that my blog is hugely popular in India. Why? Because I have a long history of helping my Hindi speaking friends to प्यार करना (make love). Don’t believe me? Read How Ron Burgundy Will Save Hindi Sex 

4. Candy Hearts Insurance Sayings: Are there really candy hearts with insurance sayings on them? Ugh, who would want that? I imagine it might say something like “I love you, but I’m not going to live forever. Get term life insurance” . Anywho, I think I can blame my list of Top Ten Rejected Candy Heart Sayings for this one.

3. Psychic Pick Up Lines: After about 5 years the horny hindi’s tailed off, but they were replaced by a new group of unusual individuals who came to The Phil Factor looking for love. Psychics are now flocking to my blog regularly to find out how to navigate a relationship when you can already read their dirty little minds. If you’re a psychic looking get your chakra stroked then you’ll want to read THIS

2. Celebrity Nipples: Hey, I know my blog and books are popular, but it might be a stretch to call me a celebrity. And generally I try to avoid gratuitous nudity on my blog, but after one particularly flattering picture I just couldn’t resist. Yes, if you google images the phrase The Phil Factor Sexiest Man Alive, that picture will come up, but that’s not why Celebrity Nipples bring people here. It was THIS

1. Amish Wagon Sex Position: Yes, in addition to the psychics and the Hindi speaking folks, I get a lot of people curious about Amish sex coming here because of this one post: The Top Ten Amish Sex Positions

It’s funny, when you look back, it seems like all my most popular, searched posts are about sex. Is that a reflection on me, or on the sick weirdos trolling the internet? Either way, it looks like I should make more sex jokes in 2022.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

10 Ways ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ Could Be Better

I wonder if Kanye is on to something? Is it possible that the quintessential, iconic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life could have, should have been better? I say yes, and here are ten things George would have done if he were a morally questionable protagonist.

10. George should have punched Sam Wainwright: The first time that dolt popped up and said “Hee haw!” George should have punched him in the throat. Then he should have done it every other time until Sam learned to shut the hell up.

9. Violet: ‘Nuff said.

8. Mr. Gower: George could have been a wealthy young man had he chosen to blackmail Pharmacist Gower over almost killing that kid by putting the wrong meds in the bottle. Especially after Mr. Gower hit him on his bad ear. A little hush money never hurt anybody.

"If you don't stop saying stupid stuff I'll throw you out of this bar myself"

“If you don’t stop saying stupid stuff I’ll throw you out of this bar myself”

7. George should have punched Clarence the Angel: If that were my guardian angel, I might choose not to go to Heaven if I have to hang out with him for all eternity.

6. George should have thrown a rock at the neighbor who told him to shut up and kiss Mary.

"I'm going to throw a rock at him"

“I’m going to throw a rock at him”

5. George should have been arrested by the town cop first for throwing the rock at the neighbor (see #6) and for vandalizing the house.

4. George shouldn’t have given Mary the robe back when she was in the hydrangea bush. (bow chicka bow wow!)

3. George should have pulled his brothers fiance’ aside and told her that his brother Harry is a big cheater and he would leave her, just like he did his other wives. Then heartbroken Harry takes over the Building & Loan and George goes to college.

2. He should have taken that job  that Potter offered him! Adjusted for inflation, that was the equivalent of a six figure salary nowadays. Btw, if you weren’t aware, the actor that played Mr. Potter is Drew Barrymore’s great uncle.

it-s-a-wonderful-life-thomas-mitchell-james-stewart-1946

1. Throw Billy under the bus: No, not literally. But when Uncle Billy lost that $8000 I would have ratted him out to the police in about two seconds.

So , what do you think? How about a modern re-make with a realistic George Bailey? The guy was miserable almost constantly until they had a nice party and bailed him out at the end. What happens after that party? Clarence gets his friggin’ wings but George is stuck going back to the life he was already so miserable in. Would other changes would you make to It’s a Wonderful Life? ~Phil

Ten Reasons To Hate The Holidays!

You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

Yup, that’s me; King of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon everybody, if we’re truly being honest with ourselves, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten, and in the spirit of a gift that keeps on giving, I’m hoping I’ll mention one or two things you haven’t noticed before and from this day forward you won’t be able to not notice them.

10. Candy canes: They’re sticky. That’s pretty much it. I like the minty flavor, but I can get that in a York Peppermint Patty without my lips, tongue and hands covered in a gross, viscous substance. And they make too many! Has anyone ever eaten all the candy canes they purchase each year? There must be landfills just overflowing with candy canes. If we could make fossil fuel out of leftover candy canes the world would be a better place.

9. The Nog Shortage: All holiday season everything is nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. (kind of like the Fall pumpkin influx) But, if you like nog you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.

06-bubblegum

8.  Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people in them always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded in an avalanche in the Himalayas and they have to eat each other to survive.

iStockphoto.com/KonArt

iStockphoto.com/KonArt

7. More traffic: This one’s pretty obvious, but for cripes sake you idiots! Haven’t you heard of the internet? I don’t care how much I love someone, nobody is worth going to the mall for from now until mid-January.

6. Lazy Hollywood folksAll our regular shows go on hiatus and show re-runs for 8 weeks. Seriously? You people make billions off these shows and you only make a dozen episodes a year? That’s only five months of work! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that every television program is required to produce a holiday special and one other original episode during the months of December and January.

5.  Lines in every store ALL the time: Yes, this one’s pretty obvious. It’s just a good thing no one sells tasers as an impulse buy item at the checkouts. Then again, I don’t live in the south, they probably do there.

4. FrozenI don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. It’s about time to Let It Go! I’m sick of the song and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.

Funniest_Memes_this-food-is-so-frozen_7263

3.  Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway or garage to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen some version of this commercial since I was a kid, completely setting me up with unrealistic expectations.  Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes, just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?

2. Religious differences: It’s hard to believe, but not every religion has their most important, most exciting holiday in December. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m passing a law stating that all religions have to have their biggest holiday at the same time so we can easily sort out the school schedules, sales, and work vacations, Makes sense doesn’t it? And just to show that I’m not Christianity-centric, let’s do it in July in the northern hemisphere and December in the southern hemisphere. That way no one has to deal with snow when traveling to see the relatives, unless you’re stupid enough to live where there’s always snow.

1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Avengers characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?

Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog button below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

What’s Wrong with The Elf on the Shelf? Everything.

What’s wrong with Elf on the Shelf? Everything.

elf

Most of you are familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right?  In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischievous minions of the red suited overlord and they spy on children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 25 years ago as a new, and for some toy company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for my kids I wasn’t aware of The Elf on the Shelf when they were young enough to believe in it.

screen-shot-2014-12-12-at-4-36-54-pm1

Parents put these little toy elves on a shelf and tell their children that the Elf can’t be touched or it will lose it’s Christmas  magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, “What a bunch of maroons!” The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning.

Of course this crazy ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They’re terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on a shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night, I would never go to sleep again. The kids have to be too terrified or too tired to misbehave. It’s no wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

I had a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife? What if in some home where they’re torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives?

This tradition is psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder?

dannyoulittlerock.com

dannyoulittlerock.com

Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear somewhere this holiday season you could give my books, Time To Lie  and the sequel The Last Locked Door, available in paperback, e-book, and Audible. Give the gift of reading this holiday season and have a great weekend! ~Phil

Unusual Things I’m Thankful For

Thanksgiving! It’s that holiday where we are supposed to appreciate family and ponder our thankfulness about stuff. Yes, that’s right, stuff. I know it and you know it; we all say the same damn thing every year at the dinner table when it’s our turn to say what we’re thankful for. And those things are good, valid things like having family together and having a roof over our heads. But who has a good laugh over those things? Am I right?

I propose that we start a new tradition. How about if we talk about the fun, ridiculous things that we’re thankful for? The world is far too serious on a daily basis lately. Let’s lighten up. It’s the holidays and we need to smile. How about I start first? I’ll tell you what some of the unusual things I’m thankful are, and then, if you’ve read this far, in the comments put one unusual thing you are thankful for.

The Internet: I’m thankful for the internet. Without it, I wouldn’t be writing words that people all over the world read. Growing up I had to make jokes and say things to people in person. Now, according to my blog stats, someone in Nepal can (and did) look up the Top Ten Amish Sex Positions anytime they want and I don’t have to walk all the way over to Nepal to make those jokes. That’s the beauty of the internet. Go on, click that link. You know you want to. (And it is sooo worth it)

Cable television and streaming services: Yes, maybe I’m forty years late on expressing gratitude for cable television, but it’s about time somebody did. When I was a kid, before cable television, there were four “over the air” television stations. Four!!! And one of them was PBS for cripes sake! Seriously, is PBS the weirdest channel? You watch it until you’re about four years old and then you outgrow the kid shows and then don’t tune in again until you’re 70. It’s either Elmo or documentaries about World War I. And until cable television existed, those four channels went of the air at 2:00 a.m.!  The national anthem would play over a video of the flag and then it went to static until 6:00 a.m. Thank you technology Gods for inventing 24 hours a day television!

Keurig Coffee Makers: Yes, I know you coffee purists decry Keurig as garbage coffee. I know it’s not the best and it’s not the worst, but it is the fastest. I love my coffee and I love it even more when I can have it in twenty seconds. If the inventor of the Keurig Coffee maker ever dies, I would like to speak at his funeral. (Ironically, in THIS ARTICLE he later expressed regret for inventing it.)

There you go. Those are my top three unusual things that I’m thankful for. What about you? What’s one unconventional thing that you’re thankful for? Please add it in the comments.

Lastly, I hope you’re reading this through the internet with a cup of Keurig made coffee warming your hand. Whether you’re from the States or not, I’m thankful for you reading my blog. You’ve made my day and I hope you have a thankful day wherever you are. ~Phil