Category Archives: Humor

In Honor of the Queen

You may think I’m funny here occasionally, but apparently Queen Elizabeth was renown for her sense of humor. In a way, she and I were a match made in heaven. She was English and Scottish, and I’m of English and Scottish descent as well. And most importantly, we appreciate a good joke. That’s why I think that she would have enjoyed The Phil Factor. Who knows, she may have. My blog was once mentioned during an English bloggers interview on a radio show in the second largest city in England.

Pic courtesy of Stuff.co.nz

Aside from our shared love of humor, Queen Elizabeth made many appearances on The Phil Factor over the years. Her first mention on this blog was in the post The Poop at Home People The fact that I didn’t hear any complaints from the Queen mum told me that she liked the attention she received from being on The Phil Factor.

She appeared again on The Phil Factor about a year and a half later in the post titled Brexit Stage Leftwhere I also joined her in this picture:

She found this quite funny. Her next appearance on #ThePhilFactor, was in one of the all time most popular Phil Factor posts titled: Who Wants Celebrity Nipples? I thought that might offend her, and was fearful of “disappearing” after a visit from Scotland Yard. But, I’m still here, so again, I assume that she enjoyed her growing notoriety in the blogosphere.

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Another classic Queen Mum appearance came in my post If I Was The Royal Wedding Planner when Meghan and Harry got married four years ago. Seriously Liz, I apologize for the critique of your lime green outfit, but c’mon! You’re the effing Queen. Lime green is not a royal color.

Lovely Liz, as I call her, appeared on The Phil Factor again in March of 2019 in the post The Queen is Drunk Right Now . And you’re damn right that she liked a few cocktails every single day. She was the Queen, or the big Q as her friends called her. Four gin and tonics a day. Every. Single. Day.  The old gal could hold her liquor better than I could.

Thank you to reader Kim Steward for alerting me to THIS VIDEO from Huffpost that features her longtime security guard telling a very funny story about Queen Elizabeth meeting some Americans who didn’t know who she was.

In my December 2020 Psychic Predictions for 2021 I speculated that Queen Liz was an alien who would live forever. Unfortunately, I was wrong on that one. I love the picture above this paragraph because it’s Queen Elizabeth laughing. She was crowned Queen of England at age 25 when her father, the king, passed away. I imagine that the crown felt particularly heavy on her young head, and yet for the next 70 years she was the epitome of grace and the symbol of a nation. In spite of that weight, or maybe because of it, she liked a good laugh. If I could I’d raise my glass, with gin and tonic, and toast her life. Thank you Elizabeth, you made the world a better place.

~Phil

The Top Ten Dumbest Named Towns in Pennsylvania

Hi there! Thanks for stopping by. I’m sorry that I haven’t been here in six weeks. Part of the reason I haven’t blogged as frequently is that I travel for work quite a bit. A lot of my travel is to Pennsylvania. What I’ve discovered is that Pennsylvania is such a pathetically aspiring red-neck wanna be state that they’ve named a lot of their towns after other more red-necky places. Here are the top ten dumbest named towns in Pennsylvania.

Indiana: Yes, there’s an Indiana, Pennsylvania. One of the top ten most boring states is Indiana, so of course Pennsylvania looks up to Indiana.

Hecktown: Quite obviously, 150 years ago some Quaker religious maven made sure they didn’t name this Helltown. How cool would that be? The zip code would end in 666.

Wind Gap: Is it pronounced Wined Gap or Wind Gap? I know that it’s Wind Gap, but what does that even mean?

Ohio: Yes, there’s an Indiana and an Ohio, Pennsylvania. Again, they chose another boring, redneck state. It’s like Pennsylvania waited until all the other states named themselves and then stole their ideas as if no one would notice. There is also an East Texas town in Pennsylvania. Could they have been more lazy when they picked these names?

Climax: Ok, this isn’t rednecky, but it’s definitely fun. I’m sure the religious zealots in Hecktown probably never visit here.

Egypt: A lot of people don’t know this, but Egypt is the redneckiest of the middle Eastern countries.

Mars: I hate to beat the same drum but Mars is know as the ____ planet? It’s the red planet. The red neck planet.

Scalp Level: I have a feeling that this town was founded by some aging, balding men.

 

Intercourse, PA! As you would imagine, if you’re traveling in Pennsylvania, you get to Intercourse, PA before Climax, PA. There’s quite obviously a battle between good and depravity in Pennsylvania.

Trust me, there are plenty more oddly named places in Pennsylvania. I’m curious though, what are the oddest town or street names that you’ve come across in your life?

Have a great Friday! ~Phil

Are You An Upside-Down Pineapple?

So last Friday I posted this picture of myself on social media. Every Friday this summer I’m posting a pick of myself in a Hawaiian shirt. I have quite the collection.

But the picture above garnered more comments and attention than my usual Hawaiian shirt pictures. I bet that some of you know why. I didn’t and was surprised why this shirt caught peoples attention. About 60% of the pineapples on the shirt are upside down. I thought that was odd, but just figured that Old Navy was getting rid of some misprint shirts cheap. I was very naïve for thinking that.

Traditionally the pineapple is a symbol of welcoming. Flags and signs like the one above can be seen all over the world indicating welcome and friendship. Apparently some people use the upside down pineapple as a symbol of being really, really friendly.

As it turns out, the upside down pineapple when displayed on your clothing or as a decoration on your house indicates that you’re a swinger! According to google, the informal definition of the word swinger is “a person who engages in group sex or the swapping of sexual partners.” 

Now all those pineapple upside down cakes that my mom used to make suddenly seem very suspicious. That could explain why us kids had to go to bed when they invited the neighbors over for parties in the basement. Now I’m wondering if our basement was a secret sex dungeon. I’m also wondering if Old Navy is really a swingers cult. When does the deception end? Is my dad really my dad, or was it my next door neighbor? Now that I’ve worn the shirt, am I a swinger? Is someone swinging with me right now?!!?

When the weather turns cold I’m getting this sweatshirt

Suddenly thanks to one of my favorite fruits, my whole life is a lie. If you want to read a little more about swinger symbols so you can either encourage or avoid attention read this fun article from Men’s Health magazine. And if you are an upside down pineapple, well, you already know what to do!  ; )

Have a great day! ~Phil

Can Anyone See This?

Hi everyone or anyone! I’ve been having some trouble with my blog. I think it was offline for the last three weeks. If you can see this, please leave a comment or click like if you can.

Who Is The Mystery Visitor From National Park College?

Something weird has been going on. Fellow bloggers, do you look at your stats as much as I do? I like to see what people searched that brought them to my blogs, and where the searchers are from. Almost once a week over the past year I found that someone has been getting to my blog through libguides.np.edu . That wasn’t a search engine that I’m familiar with, so I went to the link.

libguides.np.edu is a library search engine for National Park College in Hot Springs, Arkansas. As far as I know, I don’t know anyone from Arkansas. Is it one of you fellow bloggers? Could it be that my books are in the library at National Park College? Could it possibly be one of the friendly librarians at National Park College?

Your Friendly Librarians

What I’m secretly hoping is that someone who works at National Park College in Hot Springs, Arkansas is a huge fan of #ThePhilFactor so much so that they invite me to be a speaker at graduation or for the ceremony welcoming incoming freshman. I would give a hell of an inspiring speech. Kristin & Lynn, do you think you could help me with that? I’m a published author. You could do worse. If not, could you at least get my books in your library?

Fellow bloggers, what are some of the oddest quirky things you’ve come across in your stats? Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Interview with the Real Ghostbusters: Part 2

Who remembers what movie those ghosts are from? It’s one of my favorite paranormal movies. If you haven’t read Part 1 of my interview with the paranormal investigators from the Monroe County Paranormal Investigations, scroll back and read that too. These guys are interesting and funny.

Me: What was the funniest thing that ever happened during an investigation?

Rob: “The bed” is probably the funniest. So we’re investigating this house in the city.  I am not a little person.

Brian: Neither am I.

Rob: Brian and I together; not little people. We’re investigating this home. We have two brand new investigators working together downstairs. We’re upstairs. I’m sitting on a bed, and I say, “Brian, come over here and look at this. You’ll see how the light is reflecting.” He sits on the bed and the bed collapses.

Brian: Not quietly! Baboom!

Rob: There’s a huge crash and between the two of us there’s 140 pounds of humanity. It lands on the floor. The two brand new investigators were downstairs and the homeowner says, “What was that?”

Brian: I was on the floor crying, laughing thinking “Oh my God. What are we gonna do?” One of the new investigators yells up the stairs “Are you ok?”

Rob: Do you know how hard it is to yell “We’re ok” while you’re laughing?

Later the whole team talked a lot about feeling evil in the air when they enter some haunted places. All four of them indicated that at one time or another they had felt something, an energy upon entering a structure or room that had made them emotionally upset or fearful.

Rob: It was an explosion of energy in that one location.  It was such an emotional intense event that I didn’t sleep for a week. I slept maybe ten minutes at a stretch and every time I closed my eyes  I would wake up and I would swear my hands were covered in blood and there were police cars in my driveway coming to get me. I texted Stacey and I said “I don’t know what any of this means, but there’s a rose colored heart, there’s an egg, somebody painted the word love, and there’s a motorcycle. I don’t know what any of that means.”

Stacey: So I was doing research on the case Rob is referring to. I wanted to know more and know where the person was buried. I went to the cemetery. The stone was rose colored, and there was her face.

Rob: It was an old picture and it had faded so it was just an oval egg. The guy behind her stone was a biker so he had put a Harley Davidson little thing on top of his gravestone.

Stacey: Then there was a little plaque that said “love” in white.

Brian: The only kind of advice that I’ll typically give to people, if you have activity in your home is this. Imagine, if you’re dead and don’t know, if somebody comes into their home, you’re going to be like “Hey! Hello? What are you doing here?” And they’re not hearing or responding to you, you’re going to make noise, Smack, bang bang bang, right?

What if instead, when you get home you said, “Hey, thanks for watching the house for us today”? You just acknowledge them. It is amazing how many times that when we tell people to do that, everything quiets down.”

Me: I agree with that last piece of advice. It’s what I did in my house. There’s so much more they said that I could go on a few more pages. I sincerely want to thank everyone at M.C.P.I. for enduring my questions and allowing me to accompany them on a ghost hunt two days later. If you want to hear how that went, come back Saturday morning!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Do Ghosts Really Exist?

May 3rd is National Paranormal Day! Yup, that’s a real thing and the perfect excuse to talk to you about ghosts.  The question is, do ghosts exist? Several surveys asked this question and found that anywhere from 40-57% of people do believe in ghosts. Are you one of them?

There are also many scientists that don’t believe that ghosts exist. and here are some of their theories:

1. The Power of SuggestionIf someone tells you a  place you are visiting is haunted, you’re more likely to report having seen a ghost than people who were told that the same location was being renovated. If you look at something ambiguous and want to see a ghost, you’re more likely to see what you want.

2. Magnetic fields and “infrasounds”: Science shows that applying various electromagnetic fields to someone’s brain could cause perception of haunting or a presence. Several studies have linked infrasound, which is audio frequencies that are below the level the human ear perceives sounds, to induce bizarre sensations.

3. Toxic hallucinations: Another explanation offered is the brains reaction to poisons such as carbon monoxide, pesticides, and mold.

4. Hypnagogic and hypnopompic hallucinations: These I am personally familiar with, and you might be too. Hypnagogic hallucinations occur when you are falling asleep but not in REM, or dreaming sleep yet, and hypnopompic hallucinations occur when you are waking up but not all the way out of REM sleep. Another feature of these hallucinations is sleep paralysis. This is when you perceive yourself to be awake, but really aren’t, and you are unable to move your body. Often during this state you may also see things that aren’t really there. I know this is a legit thing, so if someone tells me they saw a ghost when they were lying in bed, I’m skeptical.

5. Those orbs on ghost hunting TV shows…  It’s been proven by the Paranormal Photography Investigations Center  (R.I.T. Professor Andrew Davidhazy) that those are not ghosts but are just airborne dust close to the lens and caught in the light of the camera.

My thought: In the right circumstances these explanations may be a legitimate reason that some people believe they’ve seen ghosts. But what about the other times when the conditions listed above are not present?

We just reviewed the science against ghosts being real. Guess what? There are also some scientists that argue in favor of ghosts existing.

Picture courtesy of Higgypop.com

In an article published in Explore: The Journal of Science and Healing, Dr. Gary Schwartz of the University of Arizona concluded that it was possible to measure the presence of spirit by an increase in photons in an otherwise black box when a spirit appeared inside the box. Dr. Schwartz has written several books on his experiments on multiple paranormal subjects. You can find his book here on Amazon. Dr. Schwartz isn’t the only one doing photons and laser grids to prove the existence of ghosts. If you click this link you can find hundreds of other similar articles.

Two days ago I went to a presentation by some local paranormal experts and tonight I’m going on a ghost hunt with them. If I come back alive tonight, I’ll give you my perspective in a couple posts near and on National Paranormal Day!

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

The Afterlife To-Do List

In 2022 it has been disconcerting to see so many people, possibly more famous and probably wealthier than me, pass away and I’m realizing it’s possible I may not be able to avoid death.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have no plans to die, but as I get older I like to hedge my bets a little. Hell, if Steve Jobs FitBit didn’t help him avoid death, what chance do I have? That’s right all you FitBit nuts, the Grim Reaper is coming for you no matter how many steps you take today.

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That’s my favorite Grim Reaper. He’s from a cartoon my kids watched. I thought he was particularly funny because he had a Jamaican accent. That’s the first item on my After-Life To Do List: If I’m going to allow myself to be escorted to the other realm it’s got to be him, that Jamaican Grim Reaper. It’s impossible to stay mad at anyone with a Jamaican accent. C’mon man. It will be alright. Let me show you around. Being dead ain’t no big ting… If it’s not him, I’m not going.

Prior to my death, and possibly as soon as this week, I’m going to choose my house to haunt. Who says that you have to haunt your own house? What’s to stop me from haunting the Big Brother house? There’s always people home, so I’d never be bored. I could participate by doing ghosty kind of stuff. How great would Big Brother be if the ten dolts were locked up in a haunted house for three months? And how about if the ghost gets to choose who leaves the house each week by making some mysterious sign, like a mark on a chalkboard or something? I’m totally going to pitch this idea to the producers. I’m putting it in my will just in case I don’t get the contract signed before I pass.

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List of people to haunt: I’m making this list and including in my will that invites be sent out to my funeral. Only the date of the funeral will have to be filled in.  I’m pre-signing the invites now  with the phrase “See YOU soon!” How creepy would it be to get one of those? Also, at my funeral I want every one there to stand up and read their favorite Phil Factor aloud.

Choose My After-Life Occupation: If I have eternity ahead of me, I don’t want to retire yet. Sitting around playing checkers with the old guys at McDonald’s in the afterlife sounds boring. In the after-life I’m going to be a real estate agent helping the recently deceased find the home of their dreams to haunt.

Me: This lovely colonial on a cul-de-sac has five of the living, four bedrooms and two and a half baths..

Recently Deceased: What about pets? I hate pets. Dogs always barking at me. Cats getting spooked when I’m trying to stand quietly in the corner watching TV. They can see us you know.

Me: So are pets a deal breaker for you?

Recently deceased: What about Jennifer Lopez? I’d love to haunt Jennifer Lopez.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Her house just went off the market last month. How about Justin Bieber?

Recently Deceased: Ugh. No thanks.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

After-Life Hobbies: I never want to be all work and no play, so I’m going to be an amateur stand-up comedian in my spare time. Spare time? I’m dead. All my time is spare! See? I’m writing jokes for the after-life already. Man, I am gonna brighten that place up.

Blogging: Yup, I’m going to continue. I’ve been doing this blog for 17 years. Why should I let death stop me? I’ve pre-written an extra post a week for the last ten years and scheduled them to be released on a regular schedule after my transition to the after-life, Heck, I could be dead already and you wouldn’t know! Why else would I be writing about death?

So, as you can see, there’s lots to do in the after-life, and I don’t want to show up unprepared. What do you want to do after you die? Speaking of ghosts, tonight I’ll be interviewing some local ghostbusters. What do you think I should ask them?

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost!

Picture credit Collider.com & Sony Pictures

I just recently discovered that May 3rd is National Paranormal Day and I’m going to lean in hard here at The Phil Factor.

There’s two things I’m not sure if I believe in, ghosts and death. Well, I’m sure I don’t believe in my own death, and if by chance it does happen, I plan to overcome it by becoming a ghost. I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself What a weirdo! Hey, relax on the judgement there. I’m contractually bound to comeback after death, if I have one, a death that is.

Contractually bound? Yup. Nothing I can do about it now. It was many years ago in college. One night myself and two friends were drinking some adult beverages. You know how when you’re young, like 20 or so and you think you’re really deep thinkers even though you’re really idiots who don’t know anything? We had imbibed a few beverages and got to talking about death and the afterlife.

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We all were curious to know if there really was life after death, so right then and there we Googled and then re-enacted a centuries old Druid ceremony complete with a circle of salt, candles under a full moon and signing a pact with our own blood, which was flowing easily because of the alcohol we had been drinking. Ok, no we didn’t. I had you going there for a second, didn’t I?

There was also no Google when I was in college, but we did make a promise to each other that whoever died first would come back and haunt the other two so we would know that there’s life after death.

I don’t know where those two college friends are now and don’t even remember ones last name. Hopefully, because of our vow, some sort of afterlife mojo will help us find each other and keep our promise. As far as I know, none of us has ever shown up to haunt the others. With May 3rd being National Paranormal Day I got to thinking of this and what else I might do if I were to be a ghost.

Stars DEMI MOORE and PATRICK SWAYZE. Licenced by Channel 5 Broacasting. Contact Five Stills: 0207 550 5583/5509/5544. Free for editorial press and listings use in connection with the current broadcast of Channel 5 programmes only. This. image may only be reproduced with the prior written consent of Channel 5. All rights reserved. Not for any form of advertising, internet use or in connection with the sale of any product.

I know this may be hard for you to believe, but in my life I’ve been a bit of a practical joker at times. I’m pretty sure that if I ever come back  as a ghost I’m not going to take off my shirt and help anyone with pottery. Jeez, what a waste of an afterlife. I’ll probably be what we all know as a poltergeist. I’ll move a lot of peoples car keys just before they have to leave for work.

During live televised events I’ll show up invisibly and give the President or the Pope a wet willie. I’ll be on the field at all my favorite live sporting events, helping out a little to ensure my favorite teams win.

You know that feeling you get when you feel like someone’s behind you but you turn around and no one’s there? That’ll be me.  Who knows? Ghost Phil may even zip into the internet and follow the connection to your computer and cause embarrassing typos when you’re posting pictures.

So do you believe in life after death? Do you think there are real ghosts? Have you ever had an experience with what you think was a ghost? What would you do if you were a ghost?

Have a great Thursday, and yes, I do think we should celebrate National Paranormal Day by pulling out the Halloween decorations! ~Phil

Happy Blogiversary to Me!

Yes, on this very day, at this exact time, on April 3rd in 2005, I put my writing legs up in the stirrups, leaned back and gave birth to The Phil Factor. Yes, the image was meant to make you cringe a little.  If my blog was a person it would be starting to curse at it’s parents and experimenting with alcohol while failing geometry. There’s not many blogs in the world that have been active as long or longer than mine, and I’m proud of that. Earlier this year I surpassed 2000 posts where I have talked as if someone is listening.

My Blogger sidebar before I moved it over to WordPress. I love that at the bottom it shows 2005.

Yes, I know that over the past two years, I haven’t blogged as often as I used to. I’ve had a lot of real life going on in my life and I’ve discovered that for me writing is something I do a lot of when I’m happy and not as much when I’m stressed. I’m starting to feel a bit more settled as all the changes in my life have become the norm for me. So, as I traditionally do, I will copy and paste my very first blog post so that if you missed it, you can enjoy it as if you’re watching a re-run from an old show.

What Up Dawg? Is it just me or is everyone sick of Randy Jackson’s act on American Idol? How many times can we hear, “What up dawg?” Or his other favorite, “It was a little pitchy in spots,” or “It was just ahh ight for me.” The dude is like one of those action figures where you squeeze him and he has three pre-programmed phrases he rotates through. Nearly as bad is Paula Abdul. Has anyone else noticed that this season she seems drunk every week? She loves everyone this season and seems to find an excuse to physically grab Simon Cowell every week. Considering her recent charge of leaving the scene of an accident after she clipped another car on the freeway, how ironic is it that her big 1988 hit song, Straight Up, included the line “caught in a hit and run”?

That’s how I introduced myself to the blogging world and I was rewarded with ZERO comments or likes. Also, I’d like to give a shout out to my longtime blogging friend Jennifer of Not Quite Perfect  , and a few other blogs, who has been blogging longer than me and is still at it. Visit her site and give her a like or comment.

Lastly and most importantly I’d like to say thank you to all of my blogging friends who have made this the wonderful, welcoming blogging community that it is. I have appreciated every read, like or comment over the past seventeen years. Without you, I probably wouldn’t have lasted a year.

Cheers to all of you and I hope we can share a glass of champagne some day. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil