David Beckham? Seriously People Magazine? This is 2015, not 1999. That guy has got to be as old as me! He retired two years ago! He’s unemployed. He’s old and unemployed and People Magazine chose him over me for this years Sexiest Man Alive title. If old and unemployed is the criteria then why not choose Gene Wilder or Bernie Sanders?
Me and The Becks used to be besties until “the incident.” Over the years I put up with a lot of s–t from who, at the time, I considered my best buddy. Throughout our childhood I put up with a lot, and believe it or not, as kids I was the one who shined the brightest on the soccer field, or football as some of you say. David came over to the States as an exchange student for the summer and stayed with my family. I was great at soccer while at the time David was a scrawny, awkward teen with braces, glasses, and fashion sense that would make Sheldon Cooper roll his eyes.
Over that three months that Becks was at my house we practiced soccer skills daily. I taught him how to lose those glasses and overcome his 20/400 vision by just trying to see harder. I taught him everything about style and suave-ness. It all was fun and we grew close, until my girlfriend Samantha came over. Then David, jealous of my manly American ways, used the cool British accent, and everything else I had taught him, to woo Samantha. One day I caught them kissing. I was heartbroken and furious with Becks and sent him packing back to England tout de suite.
In the picture above, my head is intentionally in color. It was a special effect the photographer was trying. In fact, Becks is so jealous of me that I bet you could probably find a picture on the internet just like this but with his head photoshopped in. It was at this shoot that I met Vicki, a young aspiring model/singer from the U.K.
Later when I was dating Vicki and helping her get her career off the ground by teaching her to sing, the Becks came back for a visit, seeking my forgiveness. I forgave him, but then later while Vicki and I were at dinner, she left to go to the ladies room and left her mobile on the table. Guess whose text popped up on her screen? When she returned I flew in to a rage, overturning the table and storming out of the restaurant. Vicki of course left me and the rest is history.
Yes, David Beckham may be an overrated, unemployed, girlfriend stealing has-been, but those reasons are not why People Magazine should have chosen me over Becks. Here’s the reason: Later he and Victoria got married and had kids. The marriage and the kids are not a problem. The problem is that they named their children Brooklyn, Romeo, Harper Seven and Cruz. Harper Seven?!!? Are you kidding me? Is there some pretentious Hollywood cult that teaches these idiots to give their children ridiculous names? Scientology maybe? These people have to be stopped. You cannot reward this type of idiotic behavior with Sexiest Man Alive Awards. What if the kids with idiotic names grow up and procreate with other kids with idiotic names and then they name their kids with more idiocy? We’ll have a world of people named after random directions, numbers and inanimate objects. How confusing will that be?
You know what should be rewarded with Sexiest Man Alive Awards? A good blog, steady employment and kids with normal names. Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil, aka The REAL Sexiest Man Alive.