Florida is The Fire Swamp: Remember in The Princess Bride when Westley and Princess Buttercup were trying to get away from Prince Humperdinck and the fled into The Fire Swamp? Florida is the living embodiment of The Fire Swamp. You can go to Florida and skip Disney. The state is it’s own theme park called Nature Is Trying To Kill Us. Don’t believe me? On a good day, everyone there still has to worry about sinkholes opening up and swallowing their house or car.
A few weeks ago when it got cold down there, there were literally frozen iguanas dropping out of the trees. Just this week the problem is monkeys with herpes.
The Fire Swamp had the R.O.U.S.’s, aka the Rodents of Unusual Size. Florida has I.O.U.S. Insects of Unusual Size. In my research for this Phil Factor I came across two news articles. One referenced a Florida infestation of “giant mosquitoes” called gallinippers that are “20 times the size of normal mosquitoes.” Their bite is described as “being stabbed or having a hot nail driven into your skin.” Delightful huh? But it doesn’t end with mosquitoes. There are also giant, “rat-sized, tire puncturing” African snails invading Florida. That’s got to be all kinds of fun when you step out in your bare feet to pick up the morning paper. And seriously remember the R.O.U.S.’s in the movie? Tell me those didn’t look and walk like alligators!
Remember when Westley was put in The Pit of Despair? Maybe he could have used a Minister of Loneliness. This week the British Prime Minister, Theresa May, appointed a Minister of Loneliness to help people in the country who “often or always feel lonely.”
Minister of Loneliness? That sounds like a Harry Potter villain doesn’t it. I’d like to suggest a few more official titles to help with other problems.
I imagine that the Minister of Loneliness is assisted by the Liege of Lugubriousness. All Police Chiefs should be re-named Secretary of Scoundrels. And what government would be complete without The Earl of Economy? If we want our military to be feared we might want to change Secretary of Defense to The Duke of Destruction. With titles like these I imagine that more good people would have interest in government work.
Speaking of government officials…. Earlier this week it came out that during Donald Trump’s official annual physical he voluntarily took an extra cognitive test to prove his sanity. The White House physician wasn’t going to do the test because it’s not normally part of the physical exam, but Donald requested it and then aced it. I’m not sure if that’s more of a relief or a surprise. I’m glad though that he can correctly identify a lion, rhinoceros and a camel. That may come in handy when he visits Florida.
Have a great Saturday! ~Phil
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