And I’m the guy to fix them. As I always say, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will fix these three things.
1. What kind of Zone is Worse Than the Friend Zone? Time zones, that’s what’s worse. Last week I traveled for work and I was three time zones away from home. It was stupid. If I wanted to call or text someone back home I had to do math. “Well, I can’t call now because even though it’s a reasonable time here, they’ve already gone to bed.” What time should I call you? 8:00? Yes. Your time or my time? And then, when I woke up in the morning in Pacific time, half the friggin’ day was already done on the East coast. Here’s my solution: When I’m elected President, (#PHIL2020) I will abolish time zones. Boom. Mic drop. It will be a 24 hour clock and it will the same time everywhere, ALL THE TIME. What time do you want me to call? 4:00? Boom. Done. The whole world. Yes, I’m going to be President of the whole world.
This is how healthy McDonald’s will seem
2. Not So Happy Meals: McDonald’s is making cheeseburgers available in Happy Meals only by request and reducing the size of fries that come with McNuggets. AND they’re reducing the amount of sugar in their chocolate milk. Are you kidding me? Hello McFlyDonalds! We already have almond milk! Why do we need reduced sugar chocolate milk?!!? We know how to drink water and when we walk into McDonald’s we are choosing not to drink water. If we wanted to eat healthy; if we wanted our kids to eat healthy, we wouldn’t have walked into McDonald’s in the first place. Nobody goes to McDonald’s looking for broccoli. Stay in your lane. Do what you’re good at. As President I will invoke eminent domain and block this idiotic move.
3. Guns: I’m sick and tired of senseless violence and people blaming shootings on “mental health issues.” Guess what? We can’t get rid of mental health issues, but we can get rid of guns. As President and Sexiest Man Alive, (Yes I plan to hold both titles simultaneously. Also, as a psychic, I predict that upon reading this, People Magazine will choose to name Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau 2018’s Sexiest Man Alive in November.) Back to me. As President I will mandate that all automatic weapons and handguns be removed from the public domain. If you’re a “hunter” and you need an automatic weapon, then you’re a moron and shouldn’t be allowed to have any guns. People can still hunt deer with a normal one-shot-at-a-time shotgun, but outside of that, only law enforcement and active military can have any kind of guns. Yes, it will be a hard, long battle to get rid of guns, but it needs to be done. #ParklandStrong
Sorry that I got a little heavy there at the end, but something needs to change. Something that transcends political lines. Something that has only the best interest of people at heart. If I can pull this off, would it be so bad if I also made McDonald’s serve bad food and put the entire world on the same time? Feel free to share by one of the social media buttons below.
Have a great Saturday! #PHIL2020
