Wordless Wednesday: Wall Therapy

This is from last summers Wall Therapy mural festival. The mural is named Eveningstar by local artist Shawnee Hill.

Photo by Helio Sun Photography

Photo by Helio Sun Photography

Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Surprising Hillary Clinton E-Mails

perezhilton.com

perezhilton.com

While Hillary was Secretary of State she used her personal phone and personal e-mail account to send work e-mails because it was too difficult for her to manage two cell phones.  Great, she can’t manage two cell phones but she wants to manage all 50 of our states? This past week about 300 of her e-mails were released to the public. Here are some surprising quotes from them:

10.  Yes, President Mamoud of  Gosnulia, here is my bank account information. Send the  500 million dollars. I get to keep half if I write you a check, right?

9.  This email confirms your order of  two tickets to Wiz Khalifa on May 26 at the Quicken Loans Arena. Your card has been charged $92.95

8.  Look, Monica, I paid you for taking care of Bill so I wouldn’t have to, and no I do not need your services again.

7.  Your subscription to The Phil Factor is confirmed. You will receive an email each time he publishes a post.

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6. Who is this Ben Gazi they keep asking me about? Is he anyone I need to know about?

5.  Your spa appointment for a Brazilian is confirmed for 1:30 on Tuesday. You must give 24 hours notice of cancellation or you will be charged.

4.  The Phil Factor? What is The Phil Factor? No I won’t interview for him.

3. I’ve been working my glutes. Did you see me in the orange pantsuit today? How does my ass look?

tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com

tmagazine.blogs.nytimes.com

2.  Dammit! What’s my Tinder password again?

1. Get me Justin Bieber! If Bill can have Monica I can have Justin. I don’t care what it costs! Just do it. There’s just something about the Biebs that makes me want him to be the secretary of my state.

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Music Monday! Twenty One Pilots

Two and a half years ago I hadn’t heard of Twenty One Pilots. Heck, I hadn’t even heard of pilots one through twenty either. The first time I heard of Twenty One Pilots was when I got an email from Stubhub confirming my purchase of over $300.00 worth of tickets to their concert in Cleveland. I called Stubhub, who determined that someone had hacked into my account online and made the purchase. Now, I’ve grown to like a few of their songs. Despite their name they are not a band of twenty-one, but of only two from Columbus, Ohio. Here is their current popular song Tear In My Heart.

Have a great Monday! ~Phil

Dumb and …uhh…What’s That Other Word?

Dumb

I like to think I’m a relatively smart person. Of course I like to think a lot of things about myself which aren’t true, but that’s a topic for another post. (Coming soon to a blog near you, Top Ten Lies I Tell Myself!) If you’re reading this, you’re obviously a very smart person too. (Top Ten Lies I Tell My Readers) Let’s, for a moment, be honest with ourselves. It’s impossible to know everything about everything, right? So sometimes all of us geniuses feel dumb in certain situations. Some more than others of course, but there’s no need to raise your hand right now. If you’re an adult with children and they can make your cell phone do technological cartwheels while you can barely figure out how to text without accidentally calling 911 then you know what I mean.

Admittedly, I had one of those situations where I felt dumb the other night. I know, I know, after putting me up on the pedestal that you have, it must be very upsetting for you to hear this about me. I had to call the cable company for technical support and the conversation went like this:

Me: Hi, umm,..I tried to turn my TV on but it’s doing that thing where there’s a message on the screen and it won’t turn on. Well, it’s on, but there’s no picture.

Tech Guy: Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?

The I.T. Crowd

The I.T. Crowd

Me: Yes. Same thing. It did this once before and the guy told me what to do and I tried that but it didn’t work.

Tech Guy: Hold on. Let me pull up your account. What’s the last four digits of your social security number, your mothers maiden name, the house number of the street you grew up on. No, not that one, the other one, and what kind of car did your fourth grade teacher drive.

Me: Blah, blah blah (gives information) Wait, was it what color was the house my fourth grade teacher lived in? Blue, no, wait, I think it was purple. Hold on, I’m going to try something. I switched the HDMI input and connected the satellite feed into my VHS player. That should work right?

Tech Guy: Ok, I see your account here. Oh, it’s you Mr. Taylor. Just set the remote down and step away from the television. Nope. Don’t touch it. No, that’s too close. Is there another room you can go to? Just wait there. We’re sending a guy out to your house. I’ll stay on the line with you. Just take deep breaths. It’s all going to be over soon.

Me: There’s just so many cords and wires! Why do there have to be so many? Why?!!? I just plugged the coffee maker into my chromecast. That will work, right? Dammit! Why does there have to be so many?

Tech Guy: Calm down Mr. Taylor, try to breath into a bag. There’s no need for tears. Someone will be there soon. (shouts to someone in the background “What the ETA? We’ve got a Code Zulu Banshee here! Code Zulu Banshee!”

Me: (sobbing) There’s just so many. So many wires. So many buttons. Why does there have to be so many? A man should not have to go through this to watch a few Friends reruns! You know Ross is the unsung hero of that whole show. You know that right? Ross fecking Gellar could figure this out! Why can’t I? You know he was a paleontologist before he was 30. That’s not easy. Neither is this. Wait, I think I’m on to something. What is it? White you’re right, red your dead? So if I switch…

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Tech Guy: Calm down Mr. Taylor. Our guys are at your house. They’re going to come in slowly. Just set the wires and cords down and let them help you. Don’t push any more buttons and this will all be over soon.

Cable company guys rush in and disarm me taking the remote  from my hand. Speaking into a mic on his shoulder “Headquaters this is Captain Bravo, Tactical Response Team 1.  The scene has been secured. It appears that Mr. Taylor was trying to change channels with his garage door opener. We’ve given him the remote. Situation de-escalated. We’re returning to base.”

So what are the situations you feel stupid in? Do you avoid them? Do you just give up? Do you try to figure them out? The second picture in this post is Chris O’Dowd as Roy from the British sitcom The I.T. Crowd. If you have Netflix, I strongly recommend a weekend binge watch.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

The Phil Factor Interview with Dave Barry! (yes, that Dave Barry)

Phil Taylor:

An interview I landed with Pulitzer Prize winner Dave Barry in 2013 when I had about a third of the readers I do now.

Originally posted on The Phil Factor:

Daveguitar

Hello Dave and welcome to #ThePhilFactor. Thank you for taking the time to answer some questions for my readers. For those of you not familiar with Dave’s work, he is an American humorist and Pulizter Prize winning columnist that the New York Times has referred to as “the funniest man in America.” For those of you wondering about the picture above, yes, Dave is also a guitarist. Dave’s syndicated humor column has run in the Miami Herald since 1983. Then in 1999 he branched out into humorous novels. In an effort to learn how to duplicate his career I asked for a few minutes of his time and he was nice enough to respond.

TPF: First off Dave, congratulations on being named a finalist for this years’ Thurber Prize for American Humor for your novel Lunatics. When you began your career as a humor writer, did you even suspect…

View original 530 more words

TBT: Zombies Are Here? Never Fear!

I wrote this a year ago when I had half as many readers. If you didn’t read it before, read it now. It’s really funny.

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(05/17/2014) CNN reported this week that the United States government has developed a “zombie preparedness plan”. It includes getting them all signed up for Obamacare by the end of the month. (I should probably just quit now. I’m pretty sure that’s going to be the best joke in this whole thing.)

CNN revealed that the government plan, titled CONPLAN 8888, was developed as a training tool and is not intended to be a serious attempt to plan for a world wide zombie invasion.  Well why the hell not? If our government, which is paid by our taxes, is going to develop a zombie preparedness plan I want a real plan, not an elaborate joke. You can’t tell me that if a presidential candidate said he was going to have a a plan in place to defend us from a zombie apocalypse, we wouldn’t elect him or her in a landslide. Heck, if a zombie ran for president we’d elect him. We elected George Bush didn’t we? Both of them.

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Here is an actual segment from the document: “This plan’s offensive branch (within Annex C) and Annex S (STO) details the neutralization (to render ineffective) of Zombie capabilities by denial, deception disruption, degradation, or destruction.”  First of all, someone in the government obviously is a big fan of alliteration or is a writer from Sesame Street.  “Today’s episode of The Walking Dead is sponsored by the letter D.”

Denial? Really? That’s part of the plan? When confronted by a Zombie how does that play out? “You can’t bite me!” Zombie shakes his head yes. “No you can’t.” Zombie shuffles away.  How about deception? How do you deceive a Zombie? “Hey, umm, you guys, OH MY GOD! LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!” Zombies turn heads and cornered human runs away to safety.  Degradation? We’re going to degrade the Zombies? I’m pretty sure they already feel badly about being dead. Is attacking their self-esteem really going to be effective?  “You may be about to bite me, but you’re ugly and you smell bad!” Zombie then shuffles away and cries silently in the bathroom. It’s like the plan was written by twelve year olds.

Picture credit: www.weheartit.com

Picture credit: http://www.weheartit.com

The plan is very thorough in that it does take into consideration several different kinds of Zombies that might occur such as: Pathogenic Zombies, Radiation Zombies, Evil Magic Zombies, (which sounds like a great name for a band), Space Zombies, which the document says are likely only to be a threat to “SATCOM services like DirectTV.” If Zombies take out my TV I am really going to be pissed. So pissed that I might even  degrade them. There are also definitions for Weaponized Zombies, Symbiant Induced Zombies, Vegetarian Zombies and Chicken Zombies. The only thing I would worry about is Chicken McNugget Zombies. Would they be better with sweet & sour sauce or barbecue?  Actually, zombie chickens are a real thing. Read this from Fox News in Dec. 2006.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor and want to promote Zombie preparedness please share this like a Pathogenic Zombie virus by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

picture credit: http://www.dumpaday.com and joyreactor.com

Wordless Wednesday? What Is Your Purpose?

Ironically my Wordless Wednesday is a picture of words.

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I drive by this regularly. I find it very annoying because it seems like an accusation that I’m not doing what I should be. There’s alot of nice inspirational things painted around my city, but I don’t like this one. What do you think?