Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Best Holiday Specials of All Time!


Last evening a network aired “It’s Your 50th Christmas Charlie Brown!” To be sure, the Peanuts Christmas special is a classic here in the States. What I’d like to see someone create is a special with all the Peanuts characters as 50 year olds. How weird would that be? Here are my choices for the Ten Best Holiday Specials of All Time. The Star Wars Holiday Special was mentioned in the comments a few times last year, but didn’t make the Top Ten only because I haven’t seen it. If you’re curious, it is on YouTube.  If you disagree with the list or have other choices please put them in the comments.

10. Rudolph’s Shiny New Year: This piece of crap has been played every year since 1976. I think I accidentally watched it once as a child and vowed to never watch it again. Thus far…mission accomplished. Rudolph should have been made into venison before this was made.


9. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: Sure the idea of toast and popcorn sounds great, in theory. This is a good special but pales in comparison to The Peanut’s Halloween and Christmas specials.


8. Frosty the Snowman: The best part of this special is the song. The acting is putrid and the plot is barely plausible. When this is on I’m rooting for a green Christmas.


7. Little Drummer Boy: This is where the list starts to get good. Good song, good plot, great claymation and I think there are some talking animals. Plus, it all takes place in a desert where Frosty would never survive.


6. Santa Clause is Comin’ To Town: Oh man! When I was a kid and the Winter Warlock first appeared I was terrified. I believe the phrase “chillin’ like a villain” was coined for him. Also a young Santa hooks up with a serious hottie of a wife.

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5. The Rugrats Chanukah Special: Technically it was an episode of the series, but all these years later I still remember it for actually explaining the meaning of Hanukkah to me better than any person ever had. It was entertaining and informative, just like The Phil Factor.

4. A Charlie Brown Christmas: Hey, I know you all love this one, but if The Peanuts get on the list twice they don’t get #1. The ice skating scene, the dancing scene, and Snoopy making the animal noises were all great. Lucy still should have punched Charlie Brown for bringing back that wretched tree.

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3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: Romance, bromance, career conflict, monsters, The Island of Misfit Toys. This special had it all. Remember how scary it was when Yukon Cornelius rescued Rudolph and his family from Bumble the Abominable Snow Monster?

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2. Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas: Great song and great villian with a story of redemption. Who doesn’t love it when his heart grows and breaks the frame? My favorite scene is when his dog, Max, happily hops on the front of the sleigh expecting a ride.

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1. The Year Without a Santa Clause: This special didn’t need a Santa Claus. If you’ve got the Heat Miser and the Snow Miser in a sing off you win. I just wish one of them had done a mic drop. Hands down the best songs ever in a holiday special of any kind. Here’s the video of both songs. (please pardon the commercial at the start). Enjoy!

Happy Holidays of every kind to everyone! If you disagree with my list please add your comments. If you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog sharing buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Music Monday! Featuring Adele’s Guitar, and Baio?

January 1983, American Actor Scott Baio --- Image by © Tony Korody/Sygma/Corbis

January 1983, American Actor Scott Baio — Image by © Tony Korody/Sygma/Corbis

At first when I saw this band’s name, Baio, I immediately thought it might be some kitschy-cool reference to 70’s/80’s TV star Scott Baio who was in Happy Days and Charles in Charge. I was sadly mistaken. Baio refers to Chris Baio, who has already had tremendous success with his band Vampire Weekend.

In June Chris Baio released this song, Sister of Pearl,  from his debut solo album The Names. Chris describes the song as “a Bowie and Ferry-referencing throwback pop song with a simple, straight-forward lyrical message: be who you want to be.”  It is a fun, catchy song, but what made me decide to feature it was a story Chris told during a radio interview:

When he was working on the album he had walked into the recording company offices for something. He found a guitar laying around. He picked it up and strummed it a bit and liked it’s sound, so he took it with him to finish recording Sister of Pearl. Later in the day his manager came in and said, “Have you seen Adele’s guitar?”

Enjoy the song and have a great Monday! ~Phil

Music: They’re Doing It All Wrong

I’ve recently begun taking piano lessons. Yes, I’m a grown man plinking my way through “Mary Had a Little Lamb” like a 6 year old. It’s a little humbling to hear the toddler in the next room at the music studio flying through Mozart’s Concerto #7 like she’s Billy Joel while I try to remember which finger is supposed to be on the C key. I have no idea if there is a Mozart’s Concerto #7, but I’m sure that little kid in the next room does.


There were really not a lot of funny pictures on the internet about playing piano. Either no one finds it funny, or the people who understand it don’t have a sense of humor. I’m guessing both. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with music people, well, maybe, but it’s more that their heads are so full of the information needed to read music that they don’t have room for anything else.  Below is what ‘music people’ find hilarious, apparently:


See what I mean?

The piano playing is alright, but I’m convinced that whoever invented the system for writing and reading music was an autistic savant toddler.


At some point I will be expected to understand something like this. I told my piano teacher that she was wildly optimistic. In my head I was thinking “delusional,” but I didn’t say it. That music in the picture above is so complex that our military should use it to send secret messages to their spies. Forget coming up with complex secret codes. Just write songs to each other and the enemy will never crack that code. I’m pretty sure that I won’t. Justin Bieber hasn’t. There’s aliens from the future who travel light years to get to Earth and they don’t get our music. Remember Close Encounters? (if you click the link it will take you to the music scene in the movie)

Right now I’m learning to read and play using sheet music that has the letters of the notes written right on the notes, like this:


At some point I’ll be expected to know what the notes are without the letters written on them, so I said to my teacher, “Why can’t they just write all music with the letters on the notes all the time? Or why not just write a list of the letters in the order that we need to hit them on the keyboard?” She said, “You did not just ask me that.” Later she explained that if they did that the notes would have to be big enough for us to read the letters and thus, music would require larger or more pages. Really? We’re afraid of extra paper?


You know what I think it is? It’s a conspiracy. I think that a couple thousand years ago all the musicians, there was only about 12 back then, got together and decided that they didn’t want to let just anyone in their club, so they devised a maniacally complicated system by which to write music. Initially it was done just so they could exchange secret code notes making fun of the non-music readers. In fact, several esteemed music historians believe that Beethoven and Mozart were really just making fun of Napoleon their entire careers. They were actually the Weird Al Yankovics of their time.

Don’t expect me to ever post a video of me playing piano, but I’ll keep you posted on my progress. I’m pretty sure that the more I understand, the more I’ll make fun of, which is pretty much my m.o. in life. If you have ‘music people’ in your life, feel free to share this with them by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil


Unusual Things I’m Thankful For

This is another of my annual features that I’ve written for several years. I like it because it forces me, and hopefully you to think “outside the box.” Then again, who cops to be an inside the box thinker? How would that go at a job interview? “My strengths? Umm…well, I’ve never had an original thought. Nope, my ideas are exactly what you’d expect and a probably a whole lot like the bloke you let go. If you need a problem solved, I’m definitely not your man.” Anywho, back to today’s thankful theme.  Yes, of course I’m thankful for family, friends, career and health. That goes without saying. Here are some unusual things that I’m thankful for:


Stovetop Stuffing: Everyone please stop pretending that your Grandma/Mom/Wife’s stuffing is good. It’s not. It’s just soggy bits of bread with unidentifiable “spices” that may or may not be cat urine. Stovetop Stuffing is always light, fluffy, delicious and I can make it it myself. It’s so good it even has it’s own website. Does your Mom’s stuffing have a website?


Twitter: It’s an amazing tool for connecting the world and spreading information at the speed of megabytes. It’s also the funniest place in the world. You know when you’re in a meeting at work and you think of something really funny to say but you can’t because you’d get fired? Somewhere someone else is in a meeting thinking of funny things and they’re tweeting them. But I definitely do not scroll through Twitter when I’m on work conference calls.


Electronic Banking: If I had to balance a checkbook… well, it would not end well. If electronic banking was all the internet did, it would be worth it. In line at a grocery store when I see an old person using a checkbook I just gaze in awe and I think, “WTF? Who uses checks? There ought to be a special line just for them.”

The Outdoors: Sometimes I put my phone down and look around at things outdoors like sunsets and rainbows and think, “Man this is pretty kick ass. I’m glad I don’t live on a planet where’s there’s no oxygen and I have to stay indoors all the time.”


Horny Hindi’s: Thanks to this post I wrote in March my blog views have been booming since. Literally about half my reads every day are of that one post. I’m considering writing a blog just for the Hindi speaking population. They seem to like me better than you English speaking folks.

All of You: Lastly I’m thankful for all of you, friends, family, co-workers, and strangers from all over the world. You make my day with your likes and comments. Happy American Thanksgiving to you no matter where you’re reading this from.

Have a great day! ~Phil

If Someone Can Make Up Scientology, Why Can’t I Have My Own Religion?


If I’m making fun of Scientology, you can tell that I’ve given up on one of my books ever being made into a movie. Scientology has been big pop culture news the last few weeks since actress Leah Remini talked about her experiences in the church, and her desire for you to read more about it in her book, now available everywhere for $17.99. Kind of ironic that she’s allegedly blowing the whistle on a religion known for fleecing it’s celebrity members for money by fleecing book buying customers of their money. That’s alright, I suppose she’s trying to make up for her losses.

Ballantine Books

Ballantine Books

She left the religion and is now telling all the details, which the Scientologists are not pleased about. So, you know me, I don’t like to go off half-assed and uninformed  when I write about things. I did some research so that I would be fully-assed and informed when making fun of Scientology. Don’t worry Scientologists, it’s not just you. Most religions have a whole host of ridiculous premises. In fact, it’s possible that Jesus was just a really good magician. An ancient David Copperfield if you will and Mary Magdalena was his Claudia Schiffer. (yes, I know David and Claudia divorced, but does any of you know his new wife? )


As part of my research into Scientology I may have interviewed the current leader, David Miscavige, and when asked about Leah Remini’s portrayal of the Church of Scientology he may have said, “Liar, liar, pants on fire.” What I also learned about was Xenu, who was, according to Scientology founder, and sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard, “the dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy” who 75 million years ago brought billions[4][5] of his people to Earth (then known as “Teegeeack”) in a DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes, and killed them with hydrogen bombs.” Well that sounds like a delightful idea to base a religion on doesn’t it?

You know how some websites charge you money to use them and read their content? Then you feel like an idiot when you find the same content for free elsewhere, right? I know Scientology sounds like the awesomest after school club you could ever join, but don’t sign up for their exclusive content because I’m about to give it to you right here for free. That paragraph above about Xenu “is part of the church’s secret “Advanced Technology”,[7] considered a sacred and esoteric teaching,[11] which is normally only revealed to members who have completed a lengthy sequence of courses costing large amounts of money.”

See? I saved you money today. You now know stuff that cost Tom Cruise thousands and thousands of dollars to learn. Then again, I’m pretty sure we all know a lot of stuff that Tom Cruise doesn’t. Interestingly, Tom Cruise and I were born in the same city, so it’s possible we were switched at birth, so he could possibly be living my life as the face of Scientology. Although if we were switched I doubt his blog would be half as funny.

That’s what we need, a religion based on humor! Laughter makes people feel good. Too many religions make people feel guilty or not good enough. Laughter is not the best medicine, it’s the best religion!  Obviously I would be the Xenu of this new religion, only I wouldn’t be blowing you up,  and my blog would then have a membership fee for you to read. Well, I better get to work on writing my scriptures for you. If you want to spread The Word of Phil before I start charging for it, feel free to hit the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog buttons below.  Have a great weekend! ~Phil

(thank you to Wikipedia for the quoted material about Scientology, and thank you to Tom Cruise, possibly my brother from another mother, for living your crazy, nutball life. Glad I dodged that bullet.)

Throwback Thursday! Kim Kardashian’s Butt and Vacation Boobs

For some reason this was very popular when I posted it last year. Do you think the title is a good draw?

(11/15/15) This is it. Mano a mano. Kim Kardashian versus #ThePhilFactor. Or rather it’s Kim Kardashian’s big bulbous butt versus my big bulbous sense of humor. Kim thought her racy pictures in PaperMag would #BreakTheInternet but she was sadly mistaken. If anybody breaks the internet it’s going to be me. Kim wanted to break it with her butt, but I’m going to break it by being an ass.


Yeah, Kim and I used to be an item way back when we were young. I was actually the first rung on her celebrity ladder. The fame and popularity of my books and The Phil Factor drew her to me. I should have known it wouldn’t last. The picture above is of us at a New Jersey Nets game. I thought she seemed just a little too eager to visit the locker room after the game. I should have known better.

Kim’s latest stunt, trying to “break the internet” by allowing the website for a little known magazine to post nude shots of her wasn’t even her or their idea. Check out this picture of myself I posted on The Phil Factor back in 2005 when Kim and I were dating.


Look familiar? I’m pretty sure she photoshopped her head into this picture and gave it to that magazine. I’ve never shown my backside on The Phil Factor, but I’ve got glutes women would kill for. No one has yet but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Speaking of women killing for a great butt, I saw another item on the interwebs this week that caught my attention. What if you want the perfect body for lounging on the beach during your vacation but you don’t have the time to work out? Apparently there is now an answer to that. You can get “vacation boobs.”  As a guy, I love the sound of that. What it really means though is that a New York city cosmetic surgeon has developed a process where he injects saline solution directly into the breasts to inflate them for anywhere from 24 hours to two weeks. The bodily gradually absorbs the saline and the boobs shrink back to their normal size. Apparently they’re also developing a process for butts and men’s calves and pecs. Seriously ladies, when you go to the beach have you ever checked out a guys calves? I’m not even sure I have calves. I’ve never looked. And if you are single and you invest in vacation boobs or pecs and you meet someone on vacation, how do you explain the change in your body later?

Also, in another demonstration of idiocy on the world wide web this week, Katy Perry’s boyfriend DJ Diplo (it should be Dipshit if you ask me) caused waves when he tweeted that “somebody should start a Kickstarter to get Taylor Swift a booty.” Dude, what is your problem? What has Taylor Swift ever done to you? How about you worry about your own girlfriend’s booty? If I’m Katy Perry I’m kicking this guy to the curb for paying attention to Taylor Swift’s booty. If Taylor Swift is worried about this she could invest in a vacation booty. Somehow though I doubt that Taylor Swift and her billions of dollars are worrying about a tweet by that loser. Katy, you could do so much better.

I could not believe how much stupidity populated the internet this week. I’m not a celeb follower but all this stupid “news” was unavoidable. But alas the internet did not break. So why don’t we break the internet? You and me. If everyone who reads this shares it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter and re-blog buttons below it will spread far and wide until it is the only thing on the internet. I posted this at 6:40 this morning. If you’re reading it, the internet isn’t broken yet. Get clicking! C’mon, help #The Phil Factor #BreakTheInternet.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

People Magazine Got It Wrong. Again

David_and_Victoria_Beckham_Funny_Moment 1

David Beckham? Seriously People Magazine? This is 2015, not 1999. That guy has got to be as old as me! He retired two years ago! He’s unemployed. He’s old and unemployed and People Magazine chose him over me for this years Sexiest Man Alive title. If old and unemployed is the criteria then why not choose Gene Wilder or Bernie Sanders?


Me and The Becks used to be besties until “the incident.” Over the years I put up with a lot of s–t from who, at the time, I considered my best buddy. Throughout our childhood I put up with a lot, and believe it or not, as kids I was the one who shined the brightest on the soccer field, or football as some of you say. David came over to the States as an exchange student for the summer and stayed with my family. I was great at soccer while at the time David was a scrawny, awkward teen with braces, glasses, and fashion sense that would make Sheldon Cooper roll his eyes.

Over that three months that Becks was at my house we practiced soccer skills daily. I taught him how to lose those glasses and overcome his 20/400 vision by just trying to see harder. I taught him everything about style and suave-ness. It all was fun and we grew close, until my girlfriend Samantha came over. Then David, jealous of my manly American ways, used the cool British accent, and everything else I had taught him, to woo Samantha. One day I caught them kissing. I was heartbroken and furious with Becks and sent him packing back to England tout de suite.


In the picture above, my head is intentionally in color. It was a special effect the photographer was trying. In fact, Becks is so jealous of me that I bet you could probably find a picture on the internet just like this but with his head photoshopped in. It was at this shoot that I met Vicki, a young aspiring model/singer from the U.K.

Later when I was dating Vicki and helping her get her career off the ground by teaching her to sing, the Becks came back for a visit, seeking my forgiveness. I forgave him, but then later while Vicki and I were at dinner, she left to go to the ladies room and left her mobile on the table.  Guess whose text popped up on her screen? When she returned I flew in to a rage, overturning the table and storming out of the restaurant. Vicki of course left me and the rest is history.

Yes, David Beckham may be an overrated, unemployed, girlfriend stealing has-been, but those reasons are not why People Magazine should have chosen me over Becks. Here’s the reason: Later he and Victoria got married and had kids. The marriage and the kids are not a problem. The problem is that they named their children Brooklyn, Romeo, Harper Seven and Cruz. Harper Seven?!!? Are you kidding me? Is there some pretentious Hollywood cult that teaches these idiots to give their children ridiculous names? Scientology maybe? These people have to be stopped. You cannot reward this type of idiotic behavior with Sexiest Man Alive Awards. What if the kids with idiotic names grow up and procreate with other kids with idiotic names and then they name their kids with more idiocy? We’ll have a world of people named after random directions, numbers and inanimate objects. How confusing will that be?

You know what should be rewarded with Sexiest Man Alive Awards? A good blog, steady employment and kids with normal names. Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil, aka The REAL Sexiest Man Alive.