Justin Bieber to Be My Vice-President

I’m not sure who yelled GO! but about a week ago everyone who plans to run for President of the United States declared their intentions. Slackers. Those who follow me here know that I’ve been running for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, for the last ten years. Also, unlike the slacker candidates, I already know who my Vice-President will be. It is, of course, Justin Bieber. How did you not see that coming? Justin didn’t see it coming either, but I’m confident he’ll accept the nomination.

Here’s why Justin Bieber is the perfect Vice-Presidential candidate for me: This week, apparently upset that he and girlfriend Kendall Jenner (daughter of gender-transitioning Olympic gold medalist Bruce & sister of Kim Kardashian) were not allowed in to Drake’s performance at the Coachella Music Festival, so of course the Biebs threw a big enough hissy fit that he was dragged out in a chokehold by event security.

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Also this week it came out that at some point in the past Justin impregnated Miley Cyrus, who later miscarried. This may or may not be true, but it’s out there. That’s a typical week for the Biebs. Police intervention and impregnating other talented/troubled perpetually adolescent singers. That kid makes more news in a week than I’ve made in my whole life. And he’s a complete idiot. That’s why he’s the perfect Vice-President. Remember when Dick Cheney shot someone in the face? How is anything Bieber’s done worse than that?

As a Presidential candidate, no matter what I do or say, it will all look good in comparison to anything Justin Bieber does, and Bieber’s hijinks will forever keep me in the news. And seriously, talk about rockin’ the vote! How many 18 year old girls would vote for Bieber?  Here are your next leaders of the United States:

BieberWheelchairPhil

After seeing that picture I can’t imagine that ISIS won’t immediately surrender. Ok, to be honest, my brain has kind of checked out. By the time you read this I’m probably on a plane to somewhere warm and sunny for work. I can’t promise how much I may or may not blog over the next week.  Have a great week! ~Phil 

 

Interview with Jodyne Speyer, Author of Dump ’em: How to Break Up with Anyone from Your Best Friend to Your Hairdresser

Phil Taylor:

I’ve decided to re-blog some of my interviews on Fridays. Jodyne, who is Sarah Silverman’s sister, could not have been nicer, and I sincerely thought her book was a fun read.

Originally posted on The Phil Factor:

Hi Jodyne and welcome to The Phil Factor. Thank you for taking a few minutes to answer some questions for my readers about your book Dump ’em: How to Break Up with Anyone from Your Best Friend to Your Hairdresser.

Jodyne: My pleasure and might I just say what a lovely first name you have. I’m lucky enough to have two dads and both of them are named Philip, although one of them goes by his middle name, Donald.

Dump'Em

TPF: Well, thank you.  Although I can’t take credit for picking my name I have become rather fond of it. So, what was the impetus for your decision to write Dump ‘em?

Jodyne:  Like most people, I was terrible at ending any kind of relationship: cleaning ladies, dentists, hairdressers, friends, etc. I avoided those people I was too scared to dump like the plague. Unfortunately as the toll of people…

View original 1,559 more words

TBT: The Perfect Day is a #GreenDay

I know that some of you may have seen this as a throwback post a year ago, but with Green Day being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame this weekend I thought I’d post it again in honor of that and the fact that I thought it was particularly well written.

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The day began like any other.  I woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head. My work day was uneventful and without stress. At the end of it I was looking forward to seeing my favorite band with my fifteen year old son who has become a fan himself.  As soon as I walked in the door he was eager to go in hopes of procuring a good spot to stand near the stage.

Being an adult male on the wrong side of forty, my desire to stand in line for hours before concerts is several years in the rear view mirror. Being an adult however, I used my super ninja Dad skills to plan when we would get there, where we would park, and which entrance we would use to minimize our wait time and any discomfort I might experience. Unfortunately the universe had gotten wind of my plans and locked the entrance to the arena I had planned to use. My son and I were forced to wait outdoors in the cold for forty minutes without coats. Ugh. Not a good start.

When we did get inside we were pleasantly surprised to weasel our way into a nice spot only fifteen to twenty feet from the stage. After an opening act that appeared to sleep walk through their set list, the arena and it’s 10,000 temporary denizens became quiet. That was when I had two distinctly ‘old man thoughts’ which I’m now embarrassed to admit. First I thought,  ‘After three hours on my feet my back is going to be aching.’  Then very quickly I also thought ‘I’m going to regret not having earplugs.’   After a brief intermission following the opening act our headliner Green Day stormed onto the stage in an explosion of light and sound and my crazy old man thoughts were completely forgotten.

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Green Day has been my favorite band since the early 90’s. This was my fifth time seeing them live. The tour had been delayed by three months while front-man Billie Joe Armstrong was in rehab. Billie Joe took the stage like a man making up for lost time and I’ve never seen their show better. Make no mistake, it is a show. Green Day does not play concerts. They put on shows.

With the frenetic energy of a Tazmanian Devil on Red Bull, Billie Joe seemed to feed off the crowd and the crowd seemed to be drawing energy from Billie Joe. From the first note he seemed to delight in orchestrating the crowd with hand gestures and exhortations. Billie Joe, Mike Dirnt, and Tre Cool seemed to enjoy our participation as much as we did theirs. It wasn’t as if they were playing music for us so much as they were playing it with us and us with them. From bringing audience members up on stage to sing or play instruments to sitting down and letting their 10,000 back up singers finish a song, the night felt like one big party none of us wanted to leave.

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It wasn’t just great music either. Green Day  puts on a spectacle that goes beyond the mere playing of music. There are enough strobes to wake a coma patient. There’s the zany, costume and kazoo-laden performance of their campy song King for a Day. Then there was Billie Joe first assaulting his eager audience with water from fire department grade hoses. The next weapon in his arsenal was a device that shot streamers of toilet paper far into the crowd. Lastly, when he ran out of Cottonelle, he pulled out the big gun, literally, firing t-shirts all over the arena at all-too-willing targets.

It was a two hour and twenty minute performance that took my breath away. It also took the breath away of bassist Mike Dirnt who could be seen catching his breath between songs during the encore. While he was catching his breath he was also putting his fist to his heart and mouthing Thank you to audience members repeatedly. We expressed our gratitude to the band with our cheers which were as sincere as their thanks.

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As my son and I drove home with our ears still buzzing we talked happily about all of our favorite songs and parts of the show. As I listened to my son I began to reminisce. I realized that I had gone to see my first Green Day  show before my son was born and now we went together. Talk about the circle of life! It brought a happy, little tear to my eye. When I got home I was still too mentally wired from the show to sleep so I grabbed my Kindle, a glass of red wine and, courtesy of Mrs. Phil, the most delicious chocolate cupcake I’ve ever had and I put my feet up and reclined, reading myself to sleep with a smile on my face. The perfect end to a perfect day. A Green Day.

As always, if you enjoy what you read on #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook ‘Like’ or Share button and by all means, leave comments if you like. What was your favorite concert ever?

Wordless Wednesday: Another Awesome Mural

Photo by Helio Sun Photography

Photo by Helio Sun Photography

This one is four stories high and I think it’s pretty awesome. Up close it’s impressive and I did take a picture, but my camera phone doesn’t do it justice. It was done by artist Addison Karl last August.  It reminds me of that old Maxell commercial with this guy:

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Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Fortune Cookie Messages

oddee.com

oddee.com

The other day I got a really lame fortune cookie fortune. It was something like “Don’t stick your arm in a wood chipper or you’ll be up in arms.” It got me thinking that not all fortunes are fortunate. Here are the ten worst fortune cookie fortunes:

10. That time that you thought no one saw you, someone did.

9. You should probably get that rash checked out. It’s worse than it seems.

8. Calm down. That girl in accounting flirts with everybody.

7. If you’re looking for wisdom in a fortune cookie you’re a moron.

6. You should probably brush up your resume’.

5. Your blog isn’t as funny as you think.

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4. Avoid nude beaches. Please. 

3. Don’t eat any Chinese food today. It will make you very ill. No, seriously, stay near a bathroom.

2. A bird in the hand will probably crap in your palm.

1. Don’t worry about the expiration date on your milk. Don’t ask how I know. I just do.

So what’s the best fortune you’ve ever gotten? Did you ever have any come true? Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

 

Music Monday! Elle King: Ex’s and Oh’s

This is one of those songs I wasn’t sure about at first but the more I heard it the more I liked it until I added it to my iTunes library. She has a unique sound. Not quite as strong as Florence Welch of Florence and the Machine, but different in a very cool way.

Have a great Monday! ~Phil

You Should Bite the Bullet and Read This

We often say things without thinking what they really mean. Or what they could mean…

evilenglish.net

evilenglish.net

Bite the bullet: It generally means to accept something unpleasant and continue. If the bullet is coming at you, biting it doesn’t seem like a good idea. At best, it’s not a good taste and could probably use some butter or preparation by Julia Childs. Those references will makes sense later.

Blood is thicker than water: I think it depends on the temperature doesn’t it? And who really cares? Is there ever a time you have to choose between pouring blood or water?

Break the ice: Usually means to loosen up or lighten up a social situation. Why not call it “melt the ice”? I never break the ice unless I want to butter someone up.

m.fancy.com

m.fancy.com

Butter someone up: Have you ever thought of all the possible sexual meanings of this phrase? Of course you might have to butter someone up in the verbal sense before you get to do it in the other ways.

Give someone the cold shoulder: If you don’t butter someone up effectively they might give you the cold shoulder. If just your shoulder is cold you probably have a serious circulation problem, or if it’s your left shoulder you’re having a heart attack and should call a doctor immediately after you finish reading this and have clicked Like.

Go cold turkey: If your turkey is cold, bring it in the barn! If you butter up your cold turkey you might want to consult Julia Childs. Oh wait, you can’t consult her because she kicked the bucket. (also, contrary to rumors I did not break the ice and butter up Julia Childs. The relationship was doomed from the start and I had to bite the bullet and go cold turkey.)

popmatters.com

popmatters.com

Kick the bucket: How in the world did this come to mean death? Maybe in plague ridden London a thousand years ago they kept the dead in buckets? I’m sure I could look up the meaning, but where’s the fun in that. I’m guessing that when someone was beheaded with a guillotine their head fell in a bucket.

More than you can shake a stick at: An excellent term for measuring a bunch of stuff. I carry a big stick with me all the time just for this purpose.

Rub you the wrong way: Isn’t it the worst when someone butters you up and then rubs you the wrong way? Do you prefer clockwise or counter-clockwise?

en.wikipedia.org

en.wikipedia.org

Saved by the Bell: I actually looked up the meaning of this one. Besides being the name of a badly acted 90’s show about high school kids played by 30 year olds, it comes from the olden days when coroners weren’t very good at their jobs. They buried people they thought were deceased but ran a string from inside the coffin up through the ground to a pole with a bell on it. If a person presumed to be dead woke up in a coffin they could pull the string, ringing the bell and alerting a watchmen that would dig them up. How many mistakes did they make before they came up with this system?

Waking up on the wrong side of the bed: Sometimes if someone broke the ice on my cold shoulder and I have too much butter on me I slip over to the wrong side of the bed.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share as many times as you can shake a stick at by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog buttons below. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil