Happy Singles Awareness Day !

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Yes! Tomorrow is finally Singles Awareness Day! Yup, it’s a real thing. I found it on Wikipedia, so it must be true. Have you bought yourself or someone else a Happy Singles Awareness Day card yet? Every other blog on the interwebs will bring you a post about love or Valentine’s Day this weekend. That’s why you come to #ThePhilFactor. I take a left turn when everyone else is going right. (usually when people tell you how awesome they are like I just did, it’s never true, but in this case that shoe fits like a glove)

Love doesn’t need it’s own holiday! Love is celebrated at anniversary’s, birthdays, and just about any holiday where partners give gifts. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will pass a law mandating that Valentine’s Day AND Singles Awareness Day be celebrated equally. I will also mandate that unless February 14 falls on a Friday or Saturday, everyone has the next day off of work.

Somebody's etsy store

Somebody’s etsy store

Think about it! Relationships are constantly celebrated! There’s big parties about 50 year anniversaries. There’s local news features about the geriatric couple in the nursing home that have been married 75 years. Why not a little pop culture celebration of the singles life? On Singles Awareness Day guys can go out an do singles guy things like hang out with their bros and watch a game or go hunting. The singles ladies can take the day to get mani-pedi’s, go shopping,and  have margaritas with their other single friends in a bar where the guys go to celebrate after their day of single awesomeness.

Or you could pop over to Finland where Valentine’s Day is called Ystävänpäivä, which translates into “Friend’s day”. It’s more about celebrating your buddies than your loved ones. Of course Finland also has an astronomically high suicide rate, but I’m sure those two facts are totally unrelated.

Relationships and married life are great and have their advantages, but so does the single life. All of you married people out there, don’t you sometimes wish that you could do things on your own schedule? Don’t you sometimes wish you could choose what’s for dinner every night? Guys, would you rather see Deadpool this weekend, or The Choice? Sometimes if you’re married you don’t always have a choice. All the guys, and a few of the ladies reading this) said to themselves “Hell yeah I wanna see Deadpool!” At the same time, all the guys in long term relationships said, “I don’t know what The Choice is, but my wife/partner said we’re going to see it tonight.” (I’m going to see Deadpool today. Anybody want me to write a review tomorrow?)

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Being single is all about choices. Choices YOU get to make. Don’t bemoan the lack of another in your life this weekend, celebrate it. You choose when you get up, what you eat and where you go. And you can even try to choose who you go home with at the end of Singles Awareness Day!

Like I said, Singles Awareness Day is all about choices, so if you want, you can choose to show your love for #ThePhilFactor by sharing this by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Love, Exciting and New… The Friday Poll is Back!

Climb aboard, we’re expecting you!

With Valentine’s Day tantalizingly close, I thought some of you 80’s aficionados would appreciate hearing that song again. Of all the old shows they’ve made updated, current versions of, why not The Love Boat? Who doesn’t want to see B-list celebrities from cancelled TV shows hooking up every week amidst a flimsy plot premise and corny dialogue? The original crew could make cameos. It would be great!

In a comment give the reason for your vote AND who you would want to see on the new Love Boat if it were to come back now.

Have a great Friday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! The F— Word

Therapists will tell you that to overcome trauma you have to be able to talk about it. This is my retelling of how I traumatized my son last February.

I said it. In the words of Ralphie, “I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the “F-dash-dash-dash” word!” It’s not news that I said it. It’s noteworthy because my son heard me say it for the first time in his life. He’s 17, so he wasn’t traumatized, but he was so surprised that he immediately went and told Mrs. Phil.

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Hi. My name is Phil and I’m an effing swearer. It’s been my dirty little secret for years. I’m a fecking secret curser. Not cursor like on your computer, but curser like in a Quentin Tarantino film. I do it, and I’m not going to be ashamed anymore. (BTW, “fecking” was not a typo. In Ireland it’s a perfectly acceptable form of exclammation, so I’ll fecking use it whenever I want. You can just go feck off if you don’t like it!)

Me saying the F— word isn’t all that unusual for me, though most people who know me would probably be as surprised as my son. I’m a secret swearer.  I say it when frustrated with effing traffic, but when I do I’m in my car alone. Heck, when I’m in my car and another driver does something so unfathomably stupid that it slows me down by four tenths of a second I will “work in profanity the way that other artists work in oils or clay.”  I will enunciate so clearly and obviously that there is no doubt when the other driver looks in his rearview at me that  he understands how displeased I am. Another time I effing swear is when I get frustrated assembling something that came with instructions that make no effing sense. That was the case this past weekend.

I said it when assembling an effing IKEA-like shelving unit. I’m fairly certain that IKEA is Latin for Satan. Needless to say, the holes didn’t line up and I couldn’t get the screws to go in right and I ended up being the one that was fecking screwed, and not in the good way. So I used the F— word. I’m not even sure how many times I used it or how creatively. I was completely not self-conscious because I wasn’t aware anyone was within earshot.

Like I said, my son is 17 years old and I actually heard him use the F— word in a song he wrote, long before he ever heard me use it, so as far as parenting goes, I’m pretty sure I deserve some sort of gold medal. But there never is that parenting gold medal is there?

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What about swearing? Have you noticed that in our society, in the U.S., it’s becoming much more acceptable to the point that sometimes you will now hear the word “asshole” in a prime time show? Is it good that we’re becoming more effing liberal, or relaxed when it comes that s—t? Will the relaxation of the standards of what is acceptable have a deleterious effect on law and order in our effing society? I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. I’m just an effing humor blogger. What do you think, and would you like to see more effing swearing on my fecking blog?

As always, if you enjoy The Fecking Phil Factor, (that’s great alliteration, maybe I should make that a permanent part of the effing title) please share this sh-t by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great effing weekend! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Perks of Being a Zombie

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With the release of the movie Pride + Prejudice + Zombies I thought this would be an appropriate list.

Since we all will eventually be zombies I wanted to take a moment to remind everyone that it’s not all bad. In fact there are quite a few perks to being undead.

10. Zombies never pay insurance premiums: No health, no dental, no auto or home. Who isn’t frustrated by all the money you spend on insurance that you never get back? Zombies, that’s who!

9. Cardio! With all that constant, aimless wandering around zombies are in great shape.

8. Your wardrobe never goes out of style! Just wear the same outfit forever, kind of like our parents.

7. No tan lines! That’s hot, right?

6. Dating is easy: Zombie chicks don’t care if you have six pack abs. In fact, they don’t care if you have abs at all!

5. Zombies don’t worry about pageviews: I’ve never once seen a zombie blogger check his phone 10x during the day to see how many people read his blog. Zombies don’t give a crap if you read their blog. They’re cool like that.

4. When You’re Dead, Weight Loss is Easy! Got a few extra pounds? Just offer it to your friend as an appetizer. How many points is an arm worth Weight Watchers?

3. All the unprotected sex you want! Do I need to elaborate on this one?

2. No technology worries: Zombies never worry about a wi-fi signal or their phone battery.

Picture credit: www.weheartit.com

Picture credit: http://www.weheartit.com

1. The night life is phenomenal! Every night, all night raves. And now that Michael Jackson is dead he can dance with the zombies forever! What? Too soon?

Feel free to share by the Facebook, Twitter or reblog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday everyone!  ~Phil

Music Monday: Just Breathe

This song kicks the crap out of anything Ed Sheeran has ever done. Yes, I said it. I mean it and Ed Sheeran can come and fight me if he disagrees.

I’m hoping you clicked on and listened to the song before I tell you that it’s by my son’s band, Nothing Personal. I hope you listened long enough to get to the harmonica part later in the song too. That’s pretty cool. My favorite lyric is “I’ll wear my heart on my sleeve, and when it falls you’ll pick it up for me.”

Seriously, if you listened, shouldn’t this song be on the radio? (Yes, you can find this song and the entire album in iTunes and all the other music retailers)

Have a great Monday! ~Phil

Why American Football is Better than the World’s Football 

This weekend is it. The penultimate American holiday. The Super Bowl. There are no religious affiliations. Football is our religion, so much so that we keep trying to spread it to the rest of the world that seems hooked on playing that funny little round ball kicking game. There seems to be a debate afoot. So let’s have an objective examination of the evidence in support of both.

American Football Players are the best athletes in the world. The bigger you are, the better. In America we like everything bigger all the time. According to possibly true facts I made up, compared to the rest of the world’s football players, our football athletes have a higher mortality

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rate (see, they’re best at that too!)  and a lower average age of death, but when they are on the field entertaining us it is glorious. See that gut on the guy in the picture above? In a Third World country a gut like that implies wealth. Sure, in the States it implies diabetes, but man can he push some other guys around. If he fell on Wayne Rooney he would kill him!

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American Football Players Hide Their Faces in helmets so that we don’t have to see any unattractive people on our televisions and if the attractive ones are grimacing, we don’t have to look at it. That must be why they wear the helmets, because apparently they’re completely ineffective at protecting the players brains. I know that’s a fact, because Will Smith said so. If you can’t trust The Fresh Prince, who can you trust? If the rest of the world’s football was any good Will Smith would have made a movie about it.

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In America we like to score a lot of points: All of you people from countries in the rest of the world, imagine if your football games ended with a 14-12 score! How great would that be, right? Get rid of the goalie! He’s ruining everything!

The Rest Of The World Named Their Game Wrong: Here is the ultimate irony: In American football only one player on each team gets to touch the ball with his foot. In the rest of the worlds football only one player on each team gets to touch the ball with his hands. That obviously means that the rest of the world should change the name of their game to Handball.

So, as you can see, although the United States has less people than the rest of the world, we are still right. And Canada is on our side too. They have football just like ours. Ok, well, not just like ours, but kind of close and with poutine. The bottom line is, if Will Smith and Canada thinks we’re right, I don’t wanna be wrong.

Have a great Super Bowl weekend everybody, unless you’re watching the wrong football. ~Phil

The Official Blog of The Super Bowl!

Because the National Football League has yet to issue a cease and desist order to me and because it’s funny I’m re-posting this classic that I wrote last year. Enjoy and Happy Friday!

(01/31/15) I’m not saying that The Phil Factor is The Official Blog of The #SuperBowl, and I’m not saying it’s not. What I am saying is that I want to get a cease and desist letter from the National Football League’s lawyers.

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For those of you not from the States, or from the U.S. but you just don’t care, this weekend is the championship game of the National Football League, otherwise known as the #SuperBowl. I’m hashtagging those words, linking to their site, and making a point of using the phrase ‘Super Bowl’ because the NFL (No Phil League) literally tries to sue anyone who uses the phrase “Super Bowl” without paying them millions of dollars to do so. (I’m putting the words Super Bowl in bold print on the off chance that they’ll be more noticeable when someone from the NFL is looking at the internet.) Some networks even prohibit their announcers from saying Super Bowl out of fear of being sued by the NFL. Comedian Steven Colbert has taken to calling it the Superb Owl.

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I call bullshit. I don’t care who you are or what entity you’ve created, no one gets to own words. When I’m elected President, or #SuperBowl MVP (Most Valuable Phil), whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating “No people or corporations can own words.” It’s a stupid idea that someone can own the right to the words #SuperBowl. I’m pretty sure that the words super and bowl were around long before American football. In fact, on Downton Abbey last week Mr. Carson was bringing soup to the Earl and Countess in this big, ornate dish and the Earl said, “Why Mr. Carson! That is the most super bowl I have ever laid my eyes upon!” Downton Abbey happened a hundred years ago, so there’s your proof that someone else used the phrase first.

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What if I really do own a super bowl? You know, one of those cool ones with a picture at the bottom that you can’t see until you’ve eaten every drop. That is truly a super bowl. Or what about the people who invented the Perfect Bacon Bowl? That has got to be the superest of bowls. If there were a vote I’m pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl beats out football as the best kind of bowl. I’m also pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl people aren’t going to sue me for mentioning their product. In fact, they might even send me a free Bacon Bowl maker for mentioning it (hint, hint). Click on the video below. The song is a hilariously awesome and may sound more than a little like Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.

I’m also sure that the folks in the legal marijuana states of Washington and Colorado  think their bowls are pretty Super too. Is the NFL going to sue anyone there who says to their smoking buddy “Man, this is one super bowl“?

I’m not afraid to say any word I want. And by the way National Football League, what in the hell makes you so arrogant to think that you have to police the world to make sure no one uses your phrase? I would like to hereby announce that I am legally forbidding anyone from referring to themselves as the official anything of #ThePhilFactor unless I declare it. There you go National Football League. I dare you to declare your #SuperBowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. You know what though? I’m not going to sue you if you do. They’re only words. If you think my blog is so awesome that you want to affiliate yourself with it, great, but it’s going to cost you. In fact, nevermind. The title is already taken. I’m officially declaring that the Perfect Bacon Bowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. And if the Perfect Bacon Bowl people wanted to buy advertising space in my sidebar I’m not opposed to that.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor, which is the #SuperBowl of blogs, please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great #SuperBowl weekend! ~Phil