Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons I Want to Live in Hotels Forever

If sometime in hopefully the very near future I win a lottery of approximately 1 trillion dollars I am going to sell my house and car and spend the rest of my life in hotels.

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10. No lawn to mow: At hotels I won’t have any yardwork and yet the hedges will always be impeccably trimmed and sometimes in the whimsical shapes of animals. Or should it be the shapes of whimsical animals? Are animals capable of whimsy? I’m not even sure I am.

9. Housekeeping! Who doesn’t want their room cleaned every day? I imagine though that I’d develop an unhealthy Mom complex with my housekeeper to the point that she asks to be re-assigned to another floor.

8. The hotel bar: If I lived there it would be like Cheers and everyone would know my name and yell “Phil!” when I walk in.

7. Coffee in my room: I love just hopping out of bed, turning on the coffee maker and then hopping back in bed with my fresh cup of joe to watch the morning news.

6. The in room hotel safe: I don’t care if it’s tiny. I still feel cool as hell having a safe to lock things up with my secret code. I feel all Mission Impossible-like when I use the safe. I still can’t find a way to lower myself from the ceiling when I’m pretending to break into my own safe.

5. Fresh towels! Soft, cushy and clean every day. They make me feel like that fabric softener bear in the commercial. And btw, I’m only using them once. Re-using a towel is not going to save the planet. I saw a trash receptacle at my local supermarket that said “179 recycled milk jugs were used to create this trash can.” Are you kidding me? The time, energy and fossil fuel needed to make a giant trash can out of milk jugs probably shortened the life of this planet by a year. Don’t tell me to re-use my towels!

4. Weather: I grew up in upstate New York and I still live here. I’m sick and tired of snow. No, I don’t like the change of seasons. You know who says they like the change of seasons? People who live somewhere warm. Jackasses. Spend your whole life digging your car out of the snow six months a year and see if you like the change of seasons then. When I live in hotels I’ll never have to see snow again if I don’t want to.

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3. If You’re tired of the view you can move: If it’s the view from my room or just the city the hotel is in; if I’ve seen all there is to see I can just go to another hotel somewhere else. At some point you know I’ll be in Snow White’s Castle at Disney World. That will be awkward.

2. The friendly hotel staff: They have to be nice to you whether they like you or not. It’s not that I have any problem with people not liking me, but in real, non-hotel life sometimes other people are having bad days or whatever and are not nice. Within the safe confines of a hotel everyone is friendly and there to help. Who doesn’t enjoy groveling sycophants?

1. Being driven around: If I sold my house and car and lived in hotels I’d never have to drive again. At some point in the distant future my sight and reaction time will decline to the point that it would be unsafe for me to continue driving; but you know what? I’ll still have a driver’s license and no one will stop me. When I live in hotels I’ll just call for a taxi, shuttle bus or town car if I need to go somewhere. Me living in hotels will save lives, so if you would all go buy all of my books to the point that I get that trillion dollars I need, it may even save your life. Who knows? If left to my own devices I could be driving down your street someday and you don’t really want that do you?

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Hey Guys, We’re In Trouble

If you’re a guy, reading this may save your life. Ladies, you should read this because you’ll thoroughly enjoy the perspective.

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Guys, we’re in trouble. Throughout history men have been the dominant gender because of our advantage in size and muscle mass. I think that may be changing. In my never-ending quest to live forever I’m continually trying to stay in shape. Recently I joined a new gym. I tried a couple classes that approximate Cross Fit. Do you know who’s in these classes? Women. Every class, no matter how physically challenging, is about 80% women. Typically you think of fitness classes at a gym and you think of women in fluorescent spandex jumping around to peppy music like this:

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That may have been true twenty years ago. The women in classes at gyms now aren’t “normal” women though. They’re some sort of super-breed of women. You know who’s going to survive the Zombie apocalypse? Female fitness instructors and their followers. Guys, we can do curls and chest presses all we want, but I’m telling you, the women in these classes can kick our asses. These women are doing chin-ups and juggling medicine balls in time to music while standing on one foot. If the women at gyms across the country decided to band together and take over the country there would be nothing we could do about it. We can’t even out-run them.

Some of you more crass and low-brow type of guys might be thinking, “But Phil, isn’t it awesome being in a class full of fit women in yoga pants?” No. No it’s not. It’s awful. Imagine yourself in a room with walls that are completely mirrors. Imagine everyone in the room moving fluidly and smoothly around you. Now imagine yourself flopping around on the floor, gasping for breath like a fish that’s been tossed on the deck of a boat. And you can see yourself in the mirrored wall. And everyone else can see you in the mirrored wall. It feels like that dream where you find yourself in public in your underwear and there’s nowhere to hide.

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That picture above is how I feel after every class. Like I said, I’m not looking around at any one else. I’m just trying to survive. Guys, the reason we should be worried is 1) I’m convinced all the women are more physically fit than us. (You know, fantasy football isn’t exercise) and 2) About 20 minutes after the class ends and I can breathe normally, I feel like kicking the crap out of somebody for the rest of the day. I don’t care how attractive they are; I want no part of a pre-menstrual woman with more muscle mass than me. What if more and more women do these classes? And what if at one of the classes they realize that they don’t need us to open their jars anymore?

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You know what? Screw the Marines, Special Forces and Navy Seals. If President Obama and the rest of the civilized world want to obliterate ISIS once and for all, they just need an army of fitness instructors and their followers. That would be the real definition of terror. Guys, for the good of all of us and for the survival of the male species I’ll continue to attend these classes in the hope of at least gathering intel so we know when the women plan to take over.  Wish me luck.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor or just hope to survive the Aerobics Apocalypse, feel free to share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! Just Clowning Around (9/21/2013)

It was brought to my attention yesterday that my Wordless Wednesday was posted on Thursday. I’ve been so busy this week that I couldn’t finish my Top Ten Tuesday post and I posted my Wordless Wednesday a day late. Keeping with that theme, here’s my Throwback Thursday post. BTW, I don’t think next week is going to be any better. Also I’m sorry I haven’t been able to make it to your blogs lately. I hate when my day job gets in the way of blogging.

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I’d like to address a very serious subject that has been in the news this week thanks to the clown pictured above. . I’m talking about a malady if you will, that afflicts thousands, maybe millions, of people each and every day. It is a subject of such horror, such an abomination, that those who suffer from this disorder hide it, even from their loved ones. I am, of course, speaking of Coulrophobia. No, Coulrophobia is not the fear of Dave Coulier. If it were, that would be my problem. Well, me and Alanis Morissette.

Coulrophobia is “the irrational and persistent fear of clowns.” Yes, it is so prevalent it has been given a scientific name by psychologists. Apparently this is a very serious subject because there are hundreds of websites dedicated to discussing and curing this fear. I don’t get it!!!! What the hell is so scary about a guy in makeup, big pants, and floppy red shoes? You know what they say, big feet big… I suppose that’s why they have to wear the big pants. Do you Coulrophobes think that the squirting flower they wear is symbolic of what’s going on in the big pants perhaps? Is it the swollen red nose that suggests alcoholism? C’mon, we all have a lovable, old drunk somewhere in our family tree!

The coulrophobes in the small city of Northampton, England have a problem. On Friday the 13th, eight days ago,  the fellow in the picture above just started showing up on street corners and staring and waving at people. No one knows who he is. Dressed as Pennywise the Clown from Stephen King’s It, he just shows up and stares and waves. Sometimes it’s at night when he does this. Needless to say some blokes were a bit unsettled. Not to fear though a new character has entered this drama.

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A goofball calling himself “Boris the Clown Catcher” has entered the fray vowing to protect Northampton. Later in the week however The Northampton Clown allowed an interview to the local paper in which he described his appearances as “harmless fun.” The Northampton Clown has also set up a Facebook page where you can post messages and follow his hijinks. If you don’t think this guy is hilarious I’m not sure you can be my friend anymore. This is exactly the kind of thing I would do if I didn’t have a full-time job.

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For this post I did send a message to the Northampton Clown in hopes of landing an interview, but have yet to get a response. Check out the short video in the linked article for a little more clown related fun from The Northampton Chronicle and Echo. As always, if you enjoyed your stay at #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons. Oh, and buy my books. They’re way funnier than scary clowns.

Wordless Wednesday! Fall Sunset

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Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Is Big Brother Watching or Are You Watching Big Brother?

Depending on when you were born one of these two pictures will appeal to you more.

A big sarcastic shout out to WordPress for not making it possible to put these pictures side by side in any reasonable way. Depending on when you were born the phrase Big Brother is either a good thing or a bad thing. For those of us born long enough ago to remember George Orwell’s book, this post is for you because in the internet age Big Brother is truly watching you. The following are the ten best search terms people put into Google during the last 90 days that brought them to my blog:

10. Reasons not to do the ice bucket challenge: Like everyone else on the internet I had a post about the ice bucket challenge titled The Top Ten Reasons NOT To Do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. It’s a sad statement on our society that about 1000 times since I wrote that post someone got to my blog hoping to find a reason not to do it.

9. has phil taylor had plastic surgery? Much like the late Joan Rivers I may have had some work done. But hey, I still look pretty damn good for a 87 year old don’t I?

8. sexiest man alive 2014: From your search engine to God’s ears! I’m thinking that this just might be my year.

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7. Bradley Cooper hygiene: Brad was on track to play one of The Golden Boys in the movie adaptation of my book White Picket Prisons but because of his hygiene we couldn’t stand to have him on the set any longer. We replaced him with Justin Bieber.

6. robin williams crazy ones cancellation contributary factor: Hey, whoa nellie! Don’t pin the cancellation of Robin Williams last show on me! Now if I could somehow engineer the cancellation of Duck Dynasty I would take full credit for that.

5. phil taylor american idol 2003: No, of course I didn’t win, unless you count me and Kelly Clarkson, if you know what I mean.

4. taylor swift crazy: Did I date Taylor Swift? Did Taylor Swift write one of her breakup songs about me? Is Taylor Swift crazy? Because of a legal agreement with someone I’m not able to comment about, I can’t answer any of those questions. You can connect your own dots. Also I want one specific person who I know is reading this to remember that the restraining order says 500 feet.

3. humorous birthday cards for men bus driver: That’s right! There’s new Phil Factor themed birthday cards for men bus drivers. Check them out at your local Hallmark store!

2. time travel to save john lennon: Ok, sure, I like to dabble in a little bit of science when I’m not writing The Phil Factor. Unfortunately I haven’t found a way to swap Bieber for Lennon.

1. horniestintheland.com: Someone searches that website or the phrase ‘horniest in the land’ and for some reason Google has an odd hiccup that brings them to my blog. I swear. Go try it. I promise nothing bad will happen.

If you noticed the lack of capitalization in all of the search terms, that’s not my doing. That’s exactly how they were typed in by all of you out there. As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by Facebook, Twitter, or reblogging. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Throwback Thursdays! The Facebook Funeral

I post this with some sadness as it reminds me of the recent 1 year anniversary of a high school  classmate who passed on far too soon.

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Technology is the opiate of the asses” I thought I was clever when I wrote this back in 2006. Now I’d like to admit that I was wrong. As many of you remember, I attended my high school class reunion about six weeks ago. I had a great time reconnecting with old friends, catching up, reliving old memories, and talking about our families. One moment however jarred me emotionally a bit.

Over to the left side on a table by the wall there was a large sheet cake with a celebratory greeting to our graduating class. The cake looked delicious and full of the promise of sugary butter creme frosting. I was looking forward to getting a piece later. Then I noticed a piece of plain white paper sitting unobtrusively on the tablecloth beneath the cake. Typed upon it were eleven names. The single, simple sentence at the top of the page calmly explained that these were classmates who had passed away since high school.

A couple were friends with whom I had spent significant time with in high school and who I had looked unsuccessfully for on Facebook over the last few years. I was sad. I was sad for two reasons. First I was sad about the loss for me, the family and other friends of those that passed away. Then I was sad that I had missed their passing. Sad that I didn’t know. Sad that I couldn’t have touched base with others to share our sorrow. I was sad that I hadn’t been able to share a word of condolence with their families and to tell them of my fond memories of their loved one.

This past week another member of my graduating class passed away. Sara had a bubbly personality and a smile that lit up everything and everyone around her. A large majority of our graduating class is connected on Facebook and there has been an outpouring of both sorrow, condolences, and a sharing of stories and pictures.  People have written on her page and those of her family members to express thoughts and share memories. The best part is the pictures. Not everyone could, would, or should go to her wake, but Facebook has been filled with pictures of Sara happy and celebrating life. Pictures of Sara as we will always remember her, smiling. Chances are that those pictures on Facebook have brought many of us some smiles through the tears this week.

Earlier this week a friend from high school messaged me on Facebook to ask if I would write something on The Phil Factor related to our classmates passing. I replied that although I knew her and was friendly with her I didn’t consider myself a close friend and that I might not be the appropriate person to write sort of an online eulogy. He replied that he didn’t want me to write a eulogy, but that he wanted to hear my perspective on life and death.

I may not be a great philosopher, but here is what I learned this week: Technology may still be the opiate of the asses, but in some instances it has made the world a smaller and closer place for us all and for that, I am grateful. If I ever die, or more likely when I fake my death, I hope you all enjoy my Facebook Funeral. In fact, I may have to fake my death so some people on Facebook will stop asking me for Candy Crush lives.

As always, if you enjoy what you read on #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons.

Wordless Wednesday: Wall Therapy

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Ok, this week I’m going to add words to my Wordless Wednesday. The picture above is another from my city. Several people have commented on my Wordless Wednesdays about how nice it is that my city has so much public art. I thought so too. I drive around the city a lot as part of my job. Over the last few years I noticed many remarkable murals so I decided to make them part of my Wordless Wednesdays posts.

At first I didn’t think there was any pattern or plan, but apparently I was wrong. Shocking, I know. Apparently it’s all part of an annual festival called Wall Therapy that was started in 2011 by a local physician who wanted to give back to his community. You can read about it here

Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil