People Magazine’s Sexiest Blogger Alive!

Yes, it was a small crumb of acknowledgement yesterday when People Magazine named me Sexiest Blogger Alive. I’ll take it, but I’m not happy about it. That’s like being named the second smartest Kardashian. I wanted the big award. I wanted Sexiest Man Alive, but again, People overlooked me for a far inferior candidate.

Chris Hemsworth?!!? Are you kidding me People Magazine? I’m not even sure if he’s Captain America, Thor or The Hunger Games! And he’s Australian! Australia has their own People Magazine and they didn’t name him their Sexiest Man Alive. If he can’t win an award in his own country then why should we give him our awards? If he was any good at acting shouldn’t Kangaroo Barbecue Magazine named him Sexiest Bloke in The Outback or some such nonsense?

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That’s it. That’s the best picture of Chris Hemsworth that I could find on the internet. There weren’t really that many to be honest with you. Kinda makes me wonder how popular this guy really is. There’s also one more thing I wonder about him. In his family there are three brothers: Liam, Luke, and Chris. Do you see a problem there? I do. His brothers names both start with the letter L. Chris’ name does not. It very clearly starts with the letter C. Suspicious don’t you think?

All the other sibling names start the same, but his is different, making me think that he might be different; perhaps adopted and already had the name so they didn’t change it. If he’s adopted, that means he could  be the son of anyone in the world, including Osama Bin Laden. Or worse yet, he might be a Bieber, Lohan or Kardashian! Maybe his name is really Kris Kardashian.

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This is what the People Magazine cover should have looked like.  I could have and would have volunteered to write my own profile for them. Did Chris do that? I doubt it. In fact we have no proof that he can write. Have you read his blog or any of his books? Of course not! He doesn’t have any blogs or books. He’s a total illiterate as far as I can tell!

So People named an illiterate, girl haired, possible son of Bin Laden their Sexiest Man Alive over me. This is wrong in so many ways. Excuse me, I think I need a moment. If you didn’t click on the links for Sexiest Blogger Alive and Kangaroo Barbecue Magazine you probably should.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share (with People Magazine) by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Wordless Wednesday

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This is going on about 30 miles to the west of me. Five feet, almost two metres! Wasn’t it just summer a few minutes ago? Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten People I’d Like To Punch

Please keep in mind that I am not advocating violence towards these or any people. Nor do I have plans to assault any of these people. Ok, legal disclaimers out of the way, if there were no harm to others or legal consequences, here are ten people I would punch in some vulnerable part of their anatomy. Instead I’m going to punch them right now with words.

10. Dr. Phil: Yes, I am aware we share a name. Hopefully that is the end of any similarities. What a self-righteous jerk. You just know that sometime soon some crazy scandal about him will come out. Mark my words, his wife isn’t in the audience to support her man. She’s keeping an eye on him. Those holier than thou types are usually the biggest nutjobs behind closed doors.

9. Nate Berkus: This smug and smarmy interior decorator just walks around his show like he thinks he is the greatest thing since Dr. Phil. Nate Jerkus is more like it. I bet at home he sits around in dirty boxers and wipes his boogers on the furniture. See that picture? That’s an awfully big forehead. It’s the kind of forehead that would be hard to miss with a fist.

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8. Gordon Ramsay: I’m guessing a lot of people want to punch this guy. One of his shows is Master Chef Junior where he yells at kids about their cooking. I’m betting though that his on screen tough guy persona is an act. At night he goes home and cries himself to sleep while listening to Rick Astley.

7. Nancy Grace: Could anyone be a meaner shrew than her?  Nancy Grace is so mean that one woman committed suicide after being interviewed by Nancy. Nancy is also a big, fat liar. When Nancy was covering the Cleveland kidnappings story she pretended to be interviewing another reporter from another location. You know, one of those split screen things where you are led to believe the people are in two different places? Both reporters were in the same parking lot in Phoenix. She’s mean and she lies.

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6. Justin Bieber: How did you not see this coming? I’m pretty sure I’m not even close to the front of the line of people who want to punch him. You might think Amanda Bynes deserves to be on this list for all the horrible things she’s said about her family. She’s mentally ill. I feel sorry for her and her family. Justin has no such excuse. He’s an asshat.

5. Kanye Kardashian: Unsurprisingly, he’s the least talented member of his marriage. For the first decade of this century he threw a fit every time he didn’t win an award. Remember when he interrupted Taylor Swift at the 2009 MTV Music Awards? I would have loved to see her take that trophy and knock him out cold with it. His kid is only one and she’s already mad that her stupid dad named her North. I bet she spits up on him all the time. I would too.

4. Chelsea Handler: She’s like Nancy Grace trying to be funny, but she’s not.

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3. Mark Zuckerberg: Remember when we used to like Facebook? Then Zuckerberg decided to turn it into a money making machine with targeted ads, collecting our personal info, and changing stuff. Remember MySpace where the dude that founded it “friended” everybody? Mark has yet to respond to my invitation.

2. All people with no awareness that others exist: You know those people that walk around with zero awareness that other people are around them? They walk slow. They meander. They stop right in front of you. They just don’t hear or sense when other humans are near them. An occasional punch to the neck might make these dopes a little more vigilant.

1. The Nurse that didn’t want to be quarantined: Yes, I understand it’s inconvenient to be confined to your house for 21 days. Guess what? It’s inconvenient for other people to die of Ebola because you were bored. So you showed no symptoms? So what? The doctor that just died of ebola had two negative tests before they figured out that he really did have it. Glad you enjoyed your bike ride.

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So who are the people you love to hate?

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by Facebook, Twitter or re-blogging. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Kim Kardashian’s Butt and Vacation Boobs

This is it. Mano a mano. Kim Kardashian versus #ThePhilFactor. Or rather it’s Kim Kardashian’s big bulbous butt versus my big bulbous sense of humor. Kim thought her racy pictures in PaperMag would #BreakTheInternet but she was sadly mistaken. If anybody breaks the internet it’s going to be me. Kim wanted to break it with her butt, but I’m going to break it by being an ass.

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Yeah, Kim and I used to be an item way back when we were young. I was actually the first rung on her celebrity ladder. The fame and popularity of my books and The Phil Factor drew her to me. I should have known it wouldn’t last. The picture above is of us at a New Jersey Nets game. I thought she seemed just a little too eager to visit the locker room after the game. I should have known better.

Kim’s latest stunt, trying to “break the internet” by allowing the website for a little known magazine to post nude shots of her wasn’t even her or their idea. Check out this picture of myself I posted on The Phil Factor back in 2005 when Kim and I were dating.

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Look familiar? I’m pretty sure she photoshopped her head into this picture and gave it to that magazine. I’ve never shown my backside on The Phil Factor, but I’ve got glutes women would kill for. No one has yet but I’m keeping my fingers crossed.

Speaking of women killing for a great butt, I saw another item on the interwebs this week that caught my attention. What if you want the perfect body for lounging on the beach during your vacation but you don’t have the time to work out? Apparently there is now an answer to that. You can get “vacation boobs.”  As a guy, I love the sound of that. What it really means though is that a New York city cosmetic surgeon has developed a process where he injects saline solution directly into the breasts to inflate them for anywhere from 24 hours to two weeks. The bodily gradually absorbs the saline and the boobs shrink back to their normal size. Apparently they’re also developing a process for butts and men’s calves and pecs. Seriously ladies, when you go to the beach have you ever checked out a guys calves? I’m not even sure I have calves. I’ve never looked. And if you are single and you invest in vacation boobs or pecs and you meet someone on vacation, how do you explain the change in your body later?

Also, in another demonstration of idiocy on the world wide web this week, Katy Perry’s boyfriend DJ Diplo (it should be Dipshit if you ask me) caused waves when he tweeted that “somebody should start a Kickstarter to get Taylor Swift a booty.” Dude, what is your problem? What has Taylor Swift ever done to you? How about you worry about your own girlfriend’s booty? If I’m Katy Perry I’m kicking this guy to the curb for paying attention to Taylor Swift’s booty. If Taylor Swift is worried about this she could invest in a vacation booty. Somehow though I doubt that Taylor Swift and her billions of dollars are worrying about a tweet by that loser. Katy, you could do so much better.

I could not believe how much stupidity populated the internet this week. I’m not a celeb follower but all this stupid “news” was unavoidable. But alas the internet did not break. So why don’t we break the internet? You and me. If everyone who reads this shares it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter and re-blog buttons below it will spread far and wide until it is the only thing on the internet. I posted this at 6:40 this morning. If you’re reading it, the internet isn’t broken yet. Get clicking! C’mon, help #The Phil Factor #BreakTheInternet.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! If I Said Reading This Made You Smarter, Would You Pay Me?

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(11/9/2013) Lumosity.com commercials are everywhere lately. Whether I’m listening to the radio or watching TV, anytime that I’m try to get vapid, mind-numbing entertainment the

Hmmm…let’s take a look at their business model. Like a drug dealer, if you go to their website they give you a little of their product for free to get you hooked, then once you’re hooked the free stuff runs out and you have to pay to get your fix. I wonder if anyone is declared a genius after their free trial? I’m guessing no. Then, for $8.67 per month you want me to play video games on your website and you will tell me when I’m smarter? Wow! That sounds like a great deal! Where do I sign up? Obviously the Honey Boo Boo crowd who buy into the Lumosity spiel need something to help them get smarter. By the way, how did the Honey Boo Boo show get on TLC? TLC stands for The Learning Channel. I’m pretty sure that watching Honey Boo Boo actually makes you dumber.

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Speaking of TLC, here are some of their shows: Honey Boo Boo, Long Island Medium, Alaskan Women Looking for Love, Fabulous Cakes, My Five Wives, Americas Worst Tattoos, Welcome to Myrtle Manor and about a half dozen shows about weddings. Somewhere along the way I think the folks in charge of The Learning Channel may have lost their way.

If advertising is to be believed, if you spend all your time playing video games at Lumosity and watching shows on The Learning Channel you’ll cure cancer and invent time travel within a year. It seems like anything that tells you that they’ll make you smarter will only do so if you give them money. Lumosity, TLC, colleges…Hey Lumosity, guess what? I can get Angry Birds free on my phone and I feel like a genius when I finish a level.

If you make a typo trying to go to the Lumosity website you end up at Lumoisty.com and that is not a website you want to go to. I’m just kidding. I don’t know what’s there and I’m afraid to find out. (Someone reading this please go there and in the comments section here tell me what you find) Here’s my idea: I’m going to buy the domain name Lumoisty.com and just make it a link to The Phil Factor where the people that go there thinking they are going to some brainiac website will sign up to pay me a monthly fee to read The Phil Factor and allegedly get smarter. I may need some of you to write testimonials and maybe film a short promotional video where you say how smart The Phil Factor has made you. Who’s in?

What I love about this post is that now, as long as the internet search engines exist Lumosity and Honey Boo Boo will be forever linked. I’m sure the Lumosity folks are thrilled with that. Also, for the rest of your life whenever you see or hear a Lumosity,com commercial you’ll think Lumoisty.com. Say it out loud…Lumoisty

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook, Twitter or other social media share button below. And for God’s sake leave me some comments! I never get enough comments. Thanks for reading and have a Honey Boo Boo kind of day.

Wordless Wednesday!

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This one isn’t local art. Well, it’s local if you live in Las Vegas. I took this in the lobby of the Bellagio Hotel when I visited there a few weeks ago.

Top Ten Tuesdays! Ten Things More Likely to Kill You Than Ebola

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I don’t know if the rest of the world is freaking out about this Ebola thing, but I know the U.S. is, and there’s only been four people in the U.S. with ebola. As a public service I’m using this weeks top ten list to put the ebola “crisis” into perspective. In other words, there are a whole bunch of others things you should be a lot more worried about.

10. Lightning strikes: Not to be confused with “lightening” strikes which is when hairdressers stop working and no one can get their highlights done. Since 2006 276 people have died from lightning strikes, and 13 were on a beach when it happened! You’re more likely to die from lightning on the beach than you are from ebola.

9. Alcohol poisoning: About 50 people die of their own stupidity every year.

8. Roller coasters: In the U.S. about four people die every year on roller coasters, meaning that you’re more likely to die at Disney World than of ebola.

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7. Electrocution: Aside from the lightning strikes, over 400 people die every year from other means of electrocution and that doesn’t include those strapped into a chair. That’s about 400 times more than the number of people who have died of ebola in the U.S.

6. Poisonous Gas: Death by poisonous gas is the cause of 700 deaths each year, and that doesn’t include the spouses of those who are lactose intolerant.

5. Car accidents: Duh! Over 43,000 people die in car accidents in the U.S. each year. Yeah, we had the state of Maine losing their minds because a nurse who had no signs of ebola wanted to leave her house. If we considered the possibility or frequency of fatal car accidents would we ever get in a car?

4. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! Who remembers that awesome commercial? Accidental falls kill almost 15,000 people a year, and none of them fell on ebola.

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3. Get Off! Mosquitos, or rather the malaria carried by them, results in over 3 million human deaths per year. Mosquitos: scary. Ebola: not so much.

2. Man’s best friend isn’t always so friendly: Pet dogs account for about 30 deaths per year in the U.S. The lesson learned is that you should always feed your dogs on time, or really whenever they want. Keep them full.

1. Getting a coconut in the coconut: As the weather gets colder many people look forward to a tropical get away. Unfortunately roughly 150 of them die from a coconut falling on their head. And it isn’t a coconut full of ebola either.

I’ve gotta say, doing the research for this list was not fun. Death sucks no matter how it happens, but chances are that when your time comes, it won’t be ebola. Calm down everybody. One thing I’m sure of is that no one has ever died of The Phil Factor, so feel free to share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil