Throwback Thursdays! I’m Not a Doctor, But There’s an App For That

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(10/19/2013) I went to my doctor yesterday because I was bitten by a radioactive spider and I seem to have super-human strength and sticky hands. Well, that and maybe a sinus infection. So of course they decided to weigh me to decide if my sinus infections body mass index was too high. After seeing my weight I’m pretty sure my sinus infection weighs about 10 pounds.

Then I went into the holding cell exam room. My doctors office is very deceptive. They always take you back from the waiting room really quickly so you think, “Oh great! They’re not that far behind. I’ll be out of here quickly.” If you think that, they should also examine you for your delusional thinking. In the exam room the medical assistant takes your temp, pulse and blood pressure. I’m convinced this is just busy work because when I asked what my blood pressure was she said 7.   I’m also pretty sure it said Fisher Price on the stethoscope.

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Then the waiting game began. Eventually the “resident”, who looked young enough that the Fisher Price doctor kit would be appropriate, came in to examine me. At the supermarket I’m fine with getting in the line with the sign that says “Cashier in Training,” at the doctor’s office, not so much. I’m relieved however when ten minutes later my real doctor comes in to review the residents diagnosis.  As he asked questions of her regarding the diagnosis he asked her, “Well did you do the Progressive Lidodystrophy scale? There’s an app for that.”  They both immediately assumed the standard ‘teenager in trigonometry class’ posture, heads down staring at their phones. A minute or two later the resident began quizzing me from her phone and concluded by telling the real doctor that I had a score of eleven. I said, “That sounds awfully low. Did you try the power up on level 5?”

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Hey, I’m all for modern technology improving medical care and the quality of our lives, but do I want my doc going to the same app store for his diagnosis where I go for Angry Birds? At an appointment 6 months ago my doctor consulted the internet on his phone because he didn’t have a good answer about something. And he didn’t even go to WebMd. He justs Googled! I could do that. I’m starting to think that maybe we don’t even need doctors for minor stuff.

You know where the doctors do need help though? The medication names. What is wrong with pharmaceutical companies? I think they just have little kids there making up nonsense words. Why do the names of medications have to be so linguistically complicated that even medications for the most minor ailment make it sound like it might be fatal? It was better in the 1950’s when you had medication names that told you what the medication did. There were names like “Rash Be Gone” and “No More Runs.”

As always, if you like #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook, Twitter, or other share button below. You know, sharing is caring. I just made that up. Speaking of sharing, in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month, and my wife who is a survivor, I will donate the proceeds of all sales of my books that occur today to the Susan G. Komen Foundation. Here’s what you do so I’ll know you bought one. Click on one of the books in the right sidebar, buy it for your Kindle, Nook, or iPad and in the comments to this blog post just put in the name of which one you got.

Wordless Wednesday: My New Ride

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Yep, this is how I roll. Actually, I saw this at Universal City Walk in Orlando a few weeks ago. They were serving drinks or tacos out of it, I’m not sure. Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Ways People Ruin Halloween

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. If I wasn’t a full grown adult I’d dress up and go Trick or Treating. I do have some pet peeves though about people who don’t share my love of this holiday.

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10. “Fun Size” candy: There is nothing fun about a candy bar so small that it wouldn’t give a sugar rush to a hummingbird. For cripes sake! It’s once a year, you can splurge for the good stuff.

9. Turning Out Your Lights: Are you the house that turns out your lights and hides in a back room pretending you’re not home? We hate you and we deserve to have your house egged.

8. Making it about religion: Lighten up Francis! (If you know what movie that quote came from put your answer in the comments) The kids aren’t worshiping Satan, they’re worshiping a sugar buzz. Once someone in my neighborhood was handing out popcorn balls with religious notes attached to them. If I knew who it was I’d have called the police.

7. Handing out popcorn balls or apples or pencils or McDonald’s coupons. When I was a kid we were told never to take the apples because there might be a razor blade in them. Now the health food nuts are giving them out like candy.

6. Not having Halloween in your neighborhood: I hate when groups of parents decide they’ll have a neighborhood party or that the kids will trick or treat at the local shopping mall. Geez! How did these people grow up and at what age did the demon suck out their souls? Theirs are the kids who will rebel later and get arrested for egging houses or putting flaming bags of poop on someone’s front porch.

5. Not allowing re-visits: If a kid has the endurance and initiative to make a second lap around the neighborhood, more power to them! They’re getting exercise. If they have a different costume second time around I give bonus candy.

4. Adults who don’t dress up: If you don’t wear something Halloweeney to work next Friday or to answer your door for the kids that night then just click out of this page, close your browser and don’t ever come back.

3. Women who think men don’t respect the sexy Halloween costumes: Memo to ladies: Men hate cutesy couples costumes. Let us be Batman or an Army guy and you can be the Sexy Nurse, Sexy Zombie, Sexy Football Player, Slutty Pumpkin. (Btw, if you get the Slutty Pumpkin reference put it in the comments) Whatever. We don’t care. Just dress up and let your inner sexy self out.

2. People who don’t decorate their house: I want to start a neighborhood where over the top Halloween decorating is mandatory. If you don’t you have to move out immediately or the rest of the neighbors will egg and toilet paper your house every day until next Halloween.

1. The fixed Oct. 31st date: When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law mandating that Halloween will occur on the last Saturday of September regardless of the date. In September so there’s better weather for the kids to go out and on the last Saturday so we can all have parties, the kids can stay up late and we can all relax, sleep in and take down our decorations the next day.

As always if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Next week I may have a special guest Top Ten list from another author! Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

A Request for the Book Club Lovelies…

Phil Taylor:

A reminder from Emily of Nerd In The Brain that us indie authors live and die with our reviews. If you’ve read a book by an indie author please go online and give it a review.

Originally posted on Nerd in the Brain:

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I will be off and about in the world playing with dinosaurs and things today, but I have a wee favor to ask of the Book Club participants for the weekend.

If you have finished reading The Sneaker Tree or The Sleeping Angel, would you mind writing a quick review for the book on the author’s Amazon page? It really helps writers out to have reviews for their books on the page….it helps with future sales, and we all want  Phil and Margarita to become best-selling authors, don’t we? (You can click on the book pictures above to be taken straight to their Amazon pages.)

So, go ahead and tell the world how much you enjoyed these books…you’re sure to get happy karma points and things. :D

I hope you’re all having a wonderful start to your weekend!

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Canada: Elaborate Winter Theme Park or Dangerous Adversary?

You know how people talk about the elephant in the room when they’re referring to something that’s obvious but everyone is pretending to ignore? Canada is the elephant in North America. It’s there but we don’t really pay it much attention, unless Rob Ford goes nuts or…umm…or…uhh..well, I guess there isn’t anything else that makes us notice Canada. I’m also not sure that Rob Ford isn’t a theme park character anyway. (Rob, if you’re reading this, get well. I’m rooting for you)

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Canada has been a particularly big elephant to ignore in my life because I’ve never lived more than a 2 1/2 hour drive from their border. I live in New York, but I’m closer to Toronto than I am to New York City. That being the case I’ve always had a good view of Canada but from a safe distance. Sometimes I throw things at it. All those sunset pictures you’ve seen on my blog? That’s Canada on the other side of that lake looming ominously, maybe even leering at me.

Just like going to Disney, as soon as you cross the border into Canada you know you’re somewhere “different.” It’s kind of like where you just were but things are slightly off. As soon as you cross the border into Canada it’s snowing. It could be the middle of July and the entire country is blanketed in snow. I’m not even sure it’s real snow. I think they just produce the fake stuff for the tourists. But is there an even more sinister reason they’re trying to “snow” us?

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They also seem to be using that newfangled metric system that everyone was so jazzed up about years ago. Basically that means that all their numbers are in a different language the same way the Smurfs had their own weird little language. I have no idea how to tell time in metric either.

Speaking of different languages, the province of Quebec speaks French! I don’t think that’s an accident either. I think that Quebec is the secret headquarters of Canada. They speak French because they know that all the Americans are too lazy to learn it. They speak French right out in the open, in front of Americans! Arrogant bastards. Since we can’t understand them, they’re free to talk about their secret plan to invade America.

If it were any other country, that type of subterfuge would be worrisome, but we’ve seen their “army” so we’re not too concerned.

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Another oddity that most people don’t know is that their primary export is not maple syrup or Tim Horton’s coffee, it’s comedians. Seth Rogen, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, John Candy, Alan Thicke, Michael J. Fox, Howie Mandel, Martin Short and Justin Bieber are just a few of the thousands of comedians and comedic actors and actresses that have been sent across the border to infiltrate and warp the American culture. Seriously, if Justin Bieber isn’t evidence that the Canadians are trying to destroy America then I don’t know what is.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor and want to alert everyone to the looming Canadian threat then please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Canada is no laughing matter. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! The Phil Factor Goes To Washington!

Remember the government shutdown last year? Here is the little known story from Oct. 12, 2013 of how I solved it.

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Yes, that’s me on a Segway in front of the White House. I headed down to D.C. to see if I could help with the “Shut-down.” The company that rents the Segways made me wear the helmet. You know me, I’m a “live life on the edge” kind of guy. If the helmet wasn’t mandatory my flowing locks would have been flying free in the breeze as I busted through the door and sped onto the floor of Congress to give them the best kind of Philibuster.

I buzzed down the aisle on my rented chariot with security guards chasing hopelessly in my wake, surprised congress people  jumping out of the way, coffee spilling willy-nilly in every direction. At the front of the room President Obama paused from what appeared to be a heated discussion with John Boehner and turned to see what the buzz in the room was about. Clearly, as you can see from the picture, he appeared pleasantly surprised to see me. Either that or he just loves Segways. 

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After letting Barack and a few congress-people try the Segway with disastrous results, I decided to get down to business and took my place at the podium. This is what I said:

Listen you idiots. Stop screwing around. In this social media, technology-at-our-fingertips age, we are all about five minutes away from governing ourselves American Idol style by text message voting. If you old, rich people can’t show us that you can be useful you’ll all be out of jobs the next time we get a chance to vote. As for the debt ceiling, don’t raise it or extend it. Fix it. The government is one of the largest, most poorly run businesses in the world. Ten years ago nobody in the U.S. had ever heard of Greek yogurt and now it’s a multi-billion dollar industry! If somebody can make a profit convincing us to eat live bacterial cultures you can make a profit with the government, which as far as I can tell is a room full of live bacterial cultures. (my stern gaze pans over the audience) Get some business people in here.”

“Secondly, let’s address the healthcare debate. Guess what? Lots of Americans need health care if you want them to grow up to be productive tax payers. Republicans? Didn’t you all participate in a vote about this whole thing a year or two ago? And now you want to take it back? How do you explain that? Were you drunk when they took the vote? That’s like, when, in the heat of the moment, you blurt out ‘I love you’ and then in the harsh light of day you’re stuck with the consequences. In the immortal words of Beyonce, you decided to dip but now you wanna trip. If you didn’t like it then you shouldn’t have put a ring on it. Booyah! Seacrest Out.”  

I stretch my arm out and dramatically drop the mic on the floor of Congress. There is a stunned silence as I walk down to my Segway, and carefully strap on the helmet, Then as I step onto my 21st century steed and buzz up the aisle, John Boehner, with tears in his eyes,  rises to his feet and begins a slow, singular clap that is soon joined by another and another and another until I am swept onward by a building crescendo of applause. As I raise one hand to fist bump Nancy Pelosi the spell is broken when I lose my balance and crash into the last row of seats before the exit.

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This one was for Georgina who wanted me to write about the government shutdown. As always, if you enjoy your weekly Phil Factor I would love it if you would share it by any of the social media buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Wordless Wednesday: 3D Street Art

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Some more awesome art that you can find randomly around my city. I posed for that. It’s the ultimate selfie. It’s about 8 feet high. Have a great Wednesday!

~Phil