Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor. thephilfactor.com
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If you can’t solve a situation with finger guns then the protocol requires an escalation to a rap battle. Here are the Top Ten Situations That Should Be Solved by a Rap Battle.
10. Presidential elections: Or the leadership of any country really. It’s the 21 st century, voting is so last century.
9. Court cases: I believe that either the lawyers or the defendant and the accuser should engage in a rap battle to determine the outcome. Imagine how exciting it would be to see someone rap their way to freedom? Or what if we could get out of traffic tickets with a good rap?
8. Your Final Destination: Regardless of your religion, there’s something that’s supposed to happen after death. If you can beat your deity in a rap battle you get to choose.
7. Every restaurant check: You versus the waiter or waitress for the check. You win and you don’t have to pay. How great would that be? I can’t say I’d win, but I’d practice for it.
6. Football games: Both American football and European Football. If the game ends as a tie in regulation a fan from each team comes out of the stands to midfield for a rap battle. Winner wins the match. That would guarantee a sellout of every game.
5. Darth Vader versus Luke Skywalker: Or maybe Harry Potter versus Voldemort. Both of those are better than a lightsaber or wand fight, right?
4. In school: If you can out-rap your teacher you get the grade you choose.
3. Negotiating for the price on a new car.
2. Every argument between spouses: No offense ladies, but you’d have to up your game for this one. No husband wants to be outrapped by his wife.
1. Baby names: A husband versus wife rap battle right there in the delivery room. That might be the best reality show ever. You watch a live birth and then get to see a rap battle for the right to name the child.
If you have any other ideas for funny situations that could be solved with a rap battle please put them in the comments. Have a great Tuesday!~Phil
I still like this. I’ve included the short version with the lyrics on the screen. There’s so many good lines that ring true. How about if everybody puts their favorite line in the comments?
The race is long and in the end, it is only with yourself. Have a great Monday! ~Phil
Why is everyone allergic to everything? And why hasn’t modern medicine fixed these allergies? When I was a kid everything was made of gluten and nuts. The tags on our clothes said, “This clothing contains gluten and nuts. Every kind of nuts. There’s too many to count. Anyway if you get hives or can’t breathe, it’s purely coincidental. Suck it up and develop some immunity buttercup. Wash in warm water. Tumble dry on low.” We even had toy guns that shot gluten and nuts. Now, everyone is either so allergic or so paranoid that you’d be on a National Security Agency list if you walked into an airport with a back pack full of gluten. Schools practically go into a full lock down if you walk in with a peanut.
And what is it with you fragrance allergic people? Where did you come from? When I was a kid we just smelled stuff and nobody broke out in hives. How about if you don’t like a smell you could just plug your nose so the rest of your office doesn’t have to go without deodorant. What ever happened to the concept of majority rules? Now we’ve become so politically correct that anytime one single little thing bothers one person, anyone within a ten block radius has to give up whatever the hell it is that patient zero is “sensitive” to.
That’s the worst when it isn’t even a real allergy and it’s only just a “sensitivity” to something. What’s that? You have a sensitivity to something? Do you break down crying when it’s around? It sounds like you have permanent PMS about one particular thing. (Sorry ladies, I know the struggle is real. Trust me, I know.)
Guess what? I’m mildly blue/green colorblind. Should I ask my company not to create any charts, graphs or marketing pieces in the colors of green and blue? No. Of course not! I suck it up and figure it out. I’d also like you gluten free people to try that. I don’t care if you’re allergic to gluten. Just shut up and eat food without gluten. Why does it have to be a big production? Why do the rest of us have to hear about it at every single frickin’ meal we eat with you? I’m lactose intolerant. Guess what? I don’t drink milk! You know what else? I let everyone around me drink all the milk they want.
How about if there were gluten free and nut free businesses? Hypo-allergenic schools? How great would that be? All the nut free/gluten free people could go to school and work and restaurants that they know are safe for them. Let’s throw the fragrance free nuts in there too. The rest of us could go about our lives enjoying gluten, nuts and smells anywhere we want. I’m not going to go so far as to suggest that the allergy crowd not reproduce, but I would like to see a law saying that they can’t reproduce with other allergy people. If the allergy folks reproduced with normal people eventually their mutant recessive allergy genes would be eliminated from the gene pool and in the future there would be no more problems with weird allergies! I’m a genius, right?
Ok, this was completely tongue in cheek. Yes, I realize it was completely insensitive. Yes, I know people have died from allergic reactions. Guess what though? We also need to be less sensitive about jokes. If everyone gets offended by everything and the comedians clean up their acts so as not to offend anyone, then comedy wouldn’t be fun. Remember the massacre at the headquarters of the French comedy magazine in January? Those shooters were people that couldn’t take a joke. If you are gluten or nut free I hope you can laugh at yourself a little and not show up at my house with guns. Have a great weekend! ~Phil
In a past poll we had money versus love and of course love won, but what about time? Is time on the face of the Earth worth more than money? You tell me and give your reasoning in the comments.
Have a great Friday! ~Phil
Vermont is one of the politically and socially weirdest states in the union so how could I not make fun of it? Had I known last year that their Senator was going to run for President I would have included him. Of course last year I wasn’t entirely sure if Vermont had Senators. Quick, can anyone name the other one?
(8/23/2014) Aaah….Vermont! The lush rolling hills of green, home of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and….and….Well, I guess there really isn’t anything else.
Oh, sorry, there is more in Vermont. There’s more cows and maple trees than there are people. The prideful Vermonter will of course remind you that there is skiing and snowboarding on all their wonderful mountains. Of course there’s skiing and snowboarding! It’s winter ten months out of the year. In the northern part of Vermont, which might as well be Canada, there’s still snow on the tops of mountains now! Actually, we did try to give away the northern part of Vermont to Canada once but the Canucks said, “Ugh, Vermont? Are you kidding me?” Well, they said it in a little Frenchy accent. (Memo to self: Write a Phil Factor about Canada’s weirdness)
Actually, the idea that the United States would give away Vermont isn’t that far fetched. Vermont was once it’s own independent country for 14 years. It’s the Liechtenstein of North America. That ought to be their state motto. Instead their state motto is “Freedom and Unity” because they’re never sure if they want to secede from the union or admit that they’re just the other half of New Hampshire.
And they’re not even the good half! Vermont is the only New England state that doesn’t have an inch of beachfront property on the Atlantic.
Vermont is an ironic state too. Maybe they meant to be funny when they did this, but the state has no law against public nudity. One small city does, but in the rest of the state you can go anywhere you want buck ass nekkid! It’s ironic that it’s always too cold there to be naked outside and ironically, there aren’t a whole lot of Vermonters you’d want to see naked due to the amount of dairy products and maple syrup that the state consumes. Maybe their state motto should be: Vermont: Diabetic Capitol of The World Since 1791!
I wasn’t kidding about the cows. They’re everywhere. There’s so many that Vermont uses their waste to create energy from the methane gas. Maybe their state motto should be: Vermont: Powered by Poop!
Oh yeah, see all that empty space behind Maria Von Trapp? That’s Vermont. At the end of the movie when the Von Trapps escaped the Nazis they fled to Vermont. I kid you not. The Von Trapp Family Lodge is still there. (That’s really the link. Somehow Maria was smart enough to purchase the domain name 60 years ago.) The Nazis, who used to be world champs at holding a grudge, were going to pursue the Von Trapps but when they heard they settled in Vermont they said, “Ugh, Vermont? Are you kidding me? That’s punishment enough.”
As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share it with your favorite Vermonter by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog button below. Be sure to come back Saturday morning for…well…hopefully something funny that I’ll think of by then. (suggestions are always welcome) ~Phil
I can’t even tell you how much I hate GIFs, but when the subject of finger guns came up, how could I pass on Michael Scott? Last Friday I dropped my son off at college and for one of the pictures in his dorm room he posed, giving me the finger guns. I said to myself, “Phil, there must be a lot of perfect moments in life to pull out the finger guns. Also Phil, it’s odd that you refer to yourself in the third person in your own inner monologue.” Both very true, so I said to myself, “Phil, you should make a top ten list of the best times in life to pull out the finger guns.”
10. For your author picture on the inside cover of your next book. Mark my words folks… Time to Lie, estimated release date Dec. 2015.
9. At the end of surgery or any medical procedure really, and especially at the end of a colonoscopy or ob/gyn visit. If someone is mucking about in my private parts I want them to be confident about it.
8. Walking down the aisle after tying the knot. We’ve seen far too many wedding parties dance down the aisle to Pharrell’s Happy. How about if the bride and groom turn around and give the whole crowd the fingers guns as they leave the church?
7. Birth of a child: What wife doesn’t want the finger guns from her hubby just to say, “You did alright honey”? If that doesn’t make 20 hours of labor worth it, I don’t know what will.
6. At the end of a job interview: Win or lose, good or bad, it always looks good to walk out with a little swagger. Finger guns gives you that in any situation.
5. Funerals: Far too many funerals are ruined by a lack of humor. If the deceased was posed in the casket, or even in a chair, giving the finger guns, who wouldn’t crack a smile?
4. After winning anything: This one’s pretty obvious. Whether it be a Nobel Prize or a game of backgammon with your grandma, there’s no better way to say, I’m the man, or I’m the Woman, than with finger guns. True fact: I taught my dog to do finger guns.
3. When you’re a bartender on a cruise ship: Actor Ted Lange, aka bartender Isaac Washington on the late 70’s/early 80’s show The Love Boat is credited as having invented the finger guns. Now all Royal Caribbean cruise ship bartenders are required to incorporate finger guns in their interactions with customers or the drinks are free.
2. Presidential debates: Now that we’re entering Presidential debate/election season I hereby vow that I will give my vote to any candidate who finger guns his opponent after a rebuttal.
1. At the completion of sex. I think the most important part would be putting the guns in their imaginary holsters on your naked hips after. Please someone do this and then come back to the comments just to tell me you did.
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to shshare by hitting the Facebook, Twiiter or re-blog buttons below. If you do I’ll give you the finger guns! Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil