Throwback Thursdays! Daylight Stupid Time

This is my bi-annual reminder that this Saturday we move our clocks back by an hour and my reminder that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

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When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if other countries do this.  I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 100 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about 6 or 7 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end. First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 100 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me. Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

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B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks back an hour now but we turn them ahead in the Spring, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anthying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change.

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great day! ~Phil

The Top Ten Things YOU Need to Survive The Zombie Apocalypse by author Marie Lanza

This weeks Top Ten list is a first for The Phil Factor. I’m thrilled to have a Top Ten list by indie zombie author Marie Lanza. Some of you will remember Marie from her hilarious interview here back in January. Since January Marie has released her first full length novel, Fractured: Outbreak Zom 813 and The Colony: Isolation which is the second installment in her Colony e-book series.

Marie Lanza

Marie Lanza

Last time Marie appeared here on The Phil Factor we had a fun interview, but this time Marie was kind enough to agree to participate in my Top Ten Tuesday with a list of the Top Ten Things YOU Need to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse.  Here it is:

1. Weapons – Guns, Bullets, Knives, Swords, Machete, Shovel – It all works. Guns will always draw attention, so if you can, using your other weapons is best. Plus, it will help conserve bullets. Avoid non-lethal deterrents; pepper spray or stun guns, you’ll only hurt yourself and possibly more flavorful for the zombies!

2. Running Shoes – As much walking and running as you’ll be doing, a good pair of shoes is essential. With everything you’ll be dealing with, who wants to suffer from blisters?  Those high-heeled shoes you’ve been dying to wear… ‘nuff said. Unless they’re spiked heels… put those in your weapons pile.

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 3. Bite proof clothing/protective gear – Leather, arm & leg guards. This will help when you’re fighting in close contact with the infected. Fashionable and practical.
 4. Physical Fitness - In both The Colony e-series and my novel Fractured, my characters are strong physically. During the apocalypse, you’ll get winded from the day to day running. Zombies don’t get winded.  Idea for my new workout video: 20 minute workouts for the Zombie apocalypse.
 5. Technology – GPS system, Two-way Radios. In my novel Fractured these were essential for communication for Harmony and Dan to keep in touch with their families. Don’t forget batteries!
 6. Food – MREs, canned food. This stuff will last forever.  Leave the farm fresh salmon behind!
 7. Water - Water bottles, Canteens, Camelbak, Water Purification equipment. You may be able to get away with no food, but no one can survive without water. Water bottles are key. If water sources are potentially contaminated, you don’t want to question whether or not you’re drinking to your own death. Boil anything going into the canteens, camelbaks and even the water you’re filtering through water purification equipment. But the questions remains… does even boiling it kill the virus?
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 8. Lighting – Flashlights, Flares, Candles, Glow Sticks and of course, lighters and matches. In a pinch a mag-light or a flare can make a good weapon!
 9. Storage – Backpack, tactical belt or vest, easy to handle and easy to run with. Don’t make the mistake of duffle bags, over the shoulder or anything that’s not easily carried while you’re running. These items could also get caught on something easier than a backpack, tactical belt or vest. Leave the roller bags at home.
 10. Misc Tools - Swiss Army knife, can opener, duct tape, scissors, batteries and solar chargers.  Look for ‘101 uses for duct tape in a Zombie filled Wasteland’ at a bookstore near you!
Wow! It doesn’t get much better than that. Zombie survival advice from one of the world’s foremost experts! I have to say, I read Marie’s novel Fractured: Outbreak ZOM 813 and I was not disappointed. I’m a Stephen King fan and I loved Marie’s novel. If you want to know what it would be like to survive day to day after a zombie apocalypse this is the book for you. In addition to enjoying Marie’s fantastic novels you can also find her on her radio show The Dirt which you can find on iHeart Radio and TradioV. By all means make sure you also follow Marie on Facebook and Twitter. Like I said though, if you like a good, no, great zombie survival story check out all Marie’s books on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback versions.
As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor and want to help your friends survive the zombie apocalypse please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below.

The Mormon’s Got It Goin’ On! Part II

If you’ve read Fifty Shades of Phil or remember this post from 2011, (Read it, it’s hilarious)  you know that I have the utmost respect for the Mormon faith and how they market their religion to the masses. Typically they and Mitt Romney are pretty slick when it comes to showcasing themselves. This past week however, in an effort to diffuse rumors and “normalize” one aspect of their religion their marketing department made what I believe is a colossal mistake that will cost them followers and possibly cost Mitt Romney the Presidency in 2016.

en.wikipedia.org

en.wikipedia.org

That picture above was revealed this past week with the intent of de-mystifying the rumors outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that they have “magic underwear.”  (Frankly, they’d have to be magic for me and my lady to feel like getting jiggy with it while wearing those.) They even released a four minute video on Youtube explaining that their temple undergarments  are not any different than the Catholic Priest’s cassock, or a Buddhist Monk’s robe.

When I hear the phrase “magic underwear” I think thongs and banana hammocks. Deciding to de-mystify their religion is where they went wrong. Seriously, if the masses believed that they have magic underwear, how many people would sign up for their religion just for that? Or what if the Mormon’s struck a deal with J.K. Rowling and had some sort of marketing campaign titled “Harry Potter and the Magic Underwear“? (Yes, I realize that now that I posted that phrase online some porn company somewhere is already shooting scenes. Just give me credit in the credits please.)

Zombie Mitt Romney 17World.com

Zombie Mitt Romney
17World.com

Yeah, Zombie Mitt Romney just because who doesn’t love zombies? What if Mitt Romney ran for President by promising magic underwear for everyone? Or what if he implied that by wearing magic underwear he could defeat ISIL and cure Ebola? How could he not just roll to victory, right? If I were him I’d show up for debates wearing the Mormon temple garments on the outside of his clothes. I’d vote for him just for having the balls to do that.

See Mormon marketing department? You’re doing it all wrong. You don’t want to normalize your religion. You want to make it different and cool so people will want to join. Maybe get a commercial spokesperson like Justin Timberlake to make you guys seem like the in crowd. If you could get him to do that “D___ in a Box” skit wearing your temple garments? Imagine the possibilities!

In all sincerity, I apologize if I’ve offended anyone of the Mormon faith. That was not my intent. If you can’t laugh at yourselves life is going to be pretty rough. Also in advance, Facebook, thanks for not allowing the picture of Mitt Romney to be used as the header for this post because you deem it too scary. Jerks.

As always, if you got a laugh from The Phil Factor please share it with your friends by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! I’m Not a Doctor, But There’s an App For That

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(10/19/2013) I went to my doctor yesterday because I was bitten by a radioactive spider and I seem to have super-human strength and sticky hands. Well, that and maybe a sinus infection. So of course they decided to weigh me to decide if my sinus infections body mass index was too high. After seeing my weight I’m pretty sure my sinus infection weighs about 10 pounds.

Then I went into the holding cell exam room. My doctors office is very deceptive. They always take you back from the waiting room really quickly so you think, “Oh great! They’re not that far behind. I’ll be out of here quickly.” If you think that, they should also examine you for your delusional thinking. In the exam room the medical assistant takes your temp, pulse and blood pressure. I’m convinced this is just busy work because when I asked what my blood pressure was she said 7.   I’m also pretty sure it said Fisher Price on the stethoscope.

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Then the waiting game began. Eventually the “resident”, who looked young enough that the Fisher Price doctor kit would be appropriate, came in to examine me. At the supermarket I’m fine with getting in the line with the sign that says “Cashier in Training,” at the doctor’s office, not so much. I’m relieved however when ten minutes later my real doctor comes in to review the residents diagnosis.  As he asked questions of her regarding the diagnosis he asked her, “Well did you do the Progressive Lidodystrophy scale? There’s an app for that.”  They both immediately assumed the standard ‘teenager in trigonometry class’ posture, heads down staring at their phones. A minute or two later the resident began quizzing me from her phone and concluded by telling the real doctor that I had a score of eleven. I said, “That sounds awfully low. Did you try the power up on level 5?”

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Hey, I’m all for modern technology improving medical care and the quality of our lives, but do I want my doc going to the same app store for his diagnosis where I go for Angry Birds? At an appointment 6 months ago my doctor consulted the internet on his phone because he didn’t have a good answer about something. And he didn’t even go to WebMd. He justs Googled! I could do that. I’m starting to think that maybe we don’t even need doctors for minor stuff.

You know where the doctors do need help though? The medication names. What is wrong with pharmaceutical companies? I think they just have little kids there making up nonsense words. Why do the names of medications have to be so linguistically complicated that even medications for the most minor ailment make it sound like it might be fatal? It was better in the 1950’s when you had medication names that told you what the medication did. There were names like “Rash Be Gone” and “No More Runs.”

As always, if you like #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook, Twitter, or other share button below. You know, sharing is caring. I just made that up. Speaking of sharing, in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness month, and my wife who is a survivor, I will donate the proceeds of all sales of my books that occur today to the Susan G. Komen Foundation. Here’s what you do so I’ll know you bought one. Click on one of the books in the right sidebar, buy it for your Kindle, Nook, or iPad and in the comments to this blog post just put in the name of which one you got.

Wordless Wednesday: My New Ride

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Yep, this is how I roll. Actually, I saw this at Universal City Walk in Orlando a few weeks ago. They were serving drinks or tacos out of it, I’m not sure. Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Ways People Ruin Halloween

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. If I wasn’t a full grown adult I’d dress up and go Trick or Treating. I do have some pet peeves though about people who don’t share my love of this holiday.

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10. “Fun Size” candy: There is nothing fun about a candy bar so small that it wouldn’t give a sugar rush to a hummingbird. For cripes sake! It’s once a year, you can splurge for the good stuff.

9. Turning Out Your Lights: Are you the house that turns out your lights and hides in a back room pretending you’re not home? We hate you and we deserve to have your house egged.

8. Making it about religion: Lighten up Francis! (If you know what movie that quote came from put your answer in the comments) The kids aren’t worshiping Satan, they’re worshiping a sugar buzz. Once someone in my neighborhood was handing out popcorn balls with religious notes attached to them. If I knew who it was I’d have called the police.

7. Handing out popcorn balls or apples or pencils or McDonald’s coupons. When I was a kid we were told never to take the apples because there might be a razor blade in them. Now the health food nuts are giving them out like candy.

6. Not having Halloween in your neighborhood: I hate when groups of parents decide they’ll have a neighborhood party or that the kids will trick or treat at the local shopping mall. Geez! How did these people grow up and at what age did the demon suck out their souls? Theirs are the kids who will rebel later and get arrested for egging houses or putting flaming bags of poop on someone’s front porch.

5. Not allowing re-visits: If a kid has the endurance and initiative to make a second lap around the neighborhood, more power to them! They’re getting exercise. If they have a different costume second time around I give bonus candy.

4. Adults who don’t dress up: If you don’t wear something Halloweeney to work next Friday or to answer your door for the kids that night then just click out of this page, close your browser and don’t ever come back.

3. Women who think men don’t respect the sexy Halloween costumes: Memo to ladies: Men hate cutesy couples costumes. Let us be Batman or an Army guy and you can be the Sexy Nurse, Sexy Zombie, Sexy Football Player, Slutty Pumpkin. (Btw, if you get the Slutty Pumpkin reference put it in the comments) Whatever. We don’t care. Just dress up and let your inner sexy self out.

2. People who don’t decorate their house: I want to start a neighborhood where over the top Halloween decorating is mandatory. If you don’t you have to move out immediately or the rest of the neighbors will egg and toilet paper your house every day until next Halloween.

1. The fixed Oct. 31st date: When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law mandating that Halloween will occur on the last Saturday of September regardless of the date. In September so there’s better weather for the kids to go out and on the last Saturday so we can all have parties, the kids can stay up late and we can all relax, sleep in and take down our decorations the next day.

As always if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Next week I may have a special guest Top Ten list from another author! Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

A Request for the Book Club Lovelies…

Phil Taylor:

A reminder from Emily of Nerd In The Brain that us indie authors live and die with our reviews. If you’ve read a book by an indie author please go online and give it a review.

Originally posted on Nerd in the Brain:

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sleepingangel

I will be off and about in the world playing with dinosaurs and things today, but I have a wee favor to ask of the Book Club participants for the weekend.

If you have finished reading The Sneaker Tree or The Sleeping Angel, would you mind writing a quick review for the book on the author’s Amazon page? It really helps writers out to have reviews for their books on the page….it helps with future sales, and we all want  Phil and Margarita to become best-selling authors, don’t we? (You can click on the book pictures above to be taken straight to their Amazon pages.)

So, go ahead and tell the world how much you enjoyed these books…you’re sure to get happy karma points and things. :D

I hope you’re all having a wonderful start to your weekend!

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