I did it. I snuck on to the secret Amish internet and hacked into their version of Facebook. Here are some of the status updates I found:
10. Saw the English taking pictures of me. Holding my pitchfork I gave them the “my eyes are on you” sign. They handed me money. I think the father wet his pants. ~ Jedediah Gruber
9. Just charged an English $240 for a pair of “authentic Amish” Adirondack chairs that I bought at Walmart for $29. Morons. ~ Samuel Fisher
8. Jacob L. has the biggest “beard” I’ve ever seen. ~Miriam Zimmerman
7. I put a “Gluten Free” sign out on my farm stand today. Sold twice as many pumpkins. The English will buy anything that says gluten free. WTF is gluten? ~ Matthew Beiler
6. Two Mennonites walk into a bar. No they didn’t. They drove themselves there! LOL! ~ Abram Schwartz
5. I’m exhausted. I’ve been dying eggs brown to sell to the English all morning. BTW, Grade AA extra large eggs are just 99 cents a dozen at Costco. ~Sarah Jane Smith
6. Martin Zook is in the fields with Dravin Hilty and two others.
5. Isaac Miller shared Phil Taylor, Author’s post Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Amish Facebook Status Updates. Ha Ha! You guys have to read this. The English are complete assholes. At least this one is.
4. Hey everybody, I think the English are closing in on figuring out that we have our own internet. I bet we can sell them the idea that hay has gigabytes in it. ~ John Hershberger
3. Hey everybody! Come read my blog where I make fun of the English and their weird obsession with quilts. ~ Hannah King
2. Michael Zimmerman is in the barn with Levi the blacksmith and two others. Feeling melancholy :~)
1. Oh my God it is such a relief to get in the house and take this stupid fake beard off. ~ Joseph Stolzfus
BTW, if you were wondering why I used the phrase “the English” several times, it’s because that’s how the Amish refer to the rest of us, as if we’re all the same. The nerve of them! If you think your Amish friends would enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Great post Phil, as always! I’ve watched lots of documentaries on the Amish over here – there seems to be a bit of an obsession with them at the minute… I find the culture fascinating!
Everyone loves the Amish. In rural areas of New York state I have the good fortune to run into them regularly. I have a shed and gazebo they built for me.
That’s actually made my day…
If you’re wondering why the Amish kept saying “the English” in my post it’s because that’s what they call everyone that isn’t Amish.
I didn’t know that…
I’ve watched a few documentaries, thanks to youtube. The Amish lifestyle does fascinate me, but we don’t have anything like them here in Australia to compare it too.
It is funny how everyone all over the world is fascinated with them. There are some in the rural areas in New York state so I run into them occasionally. I have a great shed and gazebo they built me!
Great post! #6 is my fave 😀
Mennonites use electricity and cars but shop for clothes at the same store as the Amish.
Good one, Phil. #9 made me laugh 🙂
Thanks Joanne! I’m sure the Amish go home every night laughing about how much we pay for their stuff. They have a lot of my money!
That was great! Thanks for the morning laugh!
Thanks Laura! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
Be careful, the Amish Mafia will come after you.
I believe the Amish mafia is fake.
Of course it’s fake; it’s reality TV.
I must say I am astonished
By this modernization to this Amish
And though I’ll rhyme as I have promised
Very few words rhyme with Amish.
Your ability to rhyme is superb as always
Don’t you ever have any bad days?
Sometimes a bit of an endeavor
But if anyone asks just tell them…never!
Marissa you are too funny.
Your rapier wit is always on the money.
Oh boy, I love me some Amish made stuff…furniture, jams, jellies and preserves. Ooh, did I mention furniture? 😛
Me too. I’ve got an awesome Amish shed and gazebo.
We have a bureau and a few chairs — as will our children and their children, and their children…
We have lots of Mennonites here, Phil, so I could insert that in lieu of Amish and be good. Loved these and in particular #5. I love Tuesdays.
I like the Mennnonites too. My understanding is that they can use technology and cars but they shop for their clothes at the same store as the Amish.
I think you’re right about that, Phil, certainly the cars. The apparel is exactly the same from what i can tell although, come to think of it, I rarely see the men. Maybe I don’t notice them because they’re dressed like the “English?” The women wear the little bonnets and plain dresses. There’s a wonderful store up the road where you can buy homemade breads and delicious soups and sandwiches. And the pies!!
You’re such an inspired looney, in case you didn’t already know it. 🙂
Yvonne I hope you know how much I appreciate your frequent comments and likes both here and on my Facebook page. Don’t tell the others, but you’re my favorite. I don’t think I’ve ever been called an inspired looney before, although I’m sure that phrase will come up when I have my inevitable court ordered psych exam.
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I laughed at 9. Then 8. Then 7. 6. 5. Great post, Phil.
This was one of my favorites!