Tag Archives: Amish humor

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Signs Your Wife is Cheating With an Amish Guy

10. She’s never secretly texting in the bathroom.

9. She buys lots of new flannel lingerie

Harrison Ford in the movie Witness

Harrison Ford in the movie Witness

8. Suddenly begins going to nighttime barn raisings with “the girls.”

7. Comes home with straw in her hair.

CACHE_206b82879dfc0298a48b166a0b9134f0.png_W400

6. She suddenly has this new “butter churn” move in the bedroom.

5. Buys a loom

4. Seems oddly aroused when she sees horses on television.

f13d6a2b188374b338a16be66d916d619e8d84cc729f465f1a3c347c14624d51

3. She receives an actual handwritten letter in the mail which you are unable to read because it’s in cursive.

2. Announces that she’s going to the Amish pub to participate in a wet bonnet contest.

1. Gets a tattoo of an Amish hat with the caption “Once you go black you never go back”

You would not believe some of the creepy terms I had to put into Google to find the pictures and get ideas for this. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog button below. Also, if you haven’t voted for the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards, I’d be grateful if you’d go HERE and vote for me as Funniest Blogger. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Amish TV Shows There Should Be

Who are we kidding? We know we all love the Amish. If there were an Amish TV channel we’d binge watch all of the shows on Netflix. Here are ten shows that would be killer in the Amish Nielsen ratings.

10. House of Cardboard: Inept Jebediah Gruber keeps building his house out of cardboard and the strong wind off the plains keeps blowing it over. Each week his clumsy friends Levi, Amos, and Paul come over to rebuild while the women-folk churn butter and gossip. Hijinks ensue.

9. Breaking Bad Wind: Miriam Fisher is lactose intolerant but ironically lives on a dairy farm. Her frequent flatulence wreaks havoc on her dating life.

s-l300

8. Downtown Abbey: Young Abbey Stoltzfus has known nothing but the Amish farm life. She has heard tales of the big city from tourists who frequent the family farm stand and she yearns to see more and be more, believing that her future lies in the city that never sleeps. How will she achieve her dreams against her parents wishes?

7. CSI Lancaster: Lancaster, Pennslyvania; the epicenter of Amish culture is an attraction for tourists, but it’s also an attraction for murder. Pastor King is found with a pitchfork through his chest and his crucifix missing. Detective Jacob usually handles hog theft. Is he in over his black bearded head with this mystery?

6. Amish Idol: Best yodeler wins the right to marry the woman of their choice. It’s really only one episode, live from the Raber family barn. 20 minutes tops.

discoverychannel.com

discoverychannel.com

5. 16 and Pregnant: Josephine’s sixteen year old prize winning cow surprises everyone by becoming pregnant. But who is the father? Could it be the Yoder’s bull or perhaps a strange bull who got loose when the gypsy travelers passed through town?

4. The Working Dead: Jethro attempts to fake his own death to get out of building “one more frickin’ barn that we don’t need.” Will the community laugh it off or will Jethro’s lazy ways finally get him shunned?

3. A Mennonite Gladiator: The pacifist Amish are enthralled and confused by a bearded man in a sequined cape who attempts to pick fights with everyone in town.

$_35

2. Dr. Who? One Amish communities resistance to modern medical care results in an epidemic of chlamydia, foot in mouth disease, and ringworm. Will they give in and accept help or suffer until they’re extinct?

1. Game of Phones: Eli and Samuel buy cell phones from some tourists and discover the joys of sexting. As the only two Amish with cell phones, they don’t realize that it’s each others “barns” they’re raising. Hijinks and a surprisingly sensitive exploration of sexuality ensue. (Rated MA for mature content)

So what would be your suggestions for TV shows the Amish would enjoy? Also, from the results of last weeks poll it looks like there are a whole bunch of bloggers who would like to do guest posts on #ThePhilFactor. If you’re one of them e-mail me or say so in the comments and we’ll get started. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Amish Facebook Status Updates

searchpp.com

searchpp.com

I did it. I snuck on to the secret Amish internet and hacked into their version of Facebook. Here are some of the status updates I found:

10. Saw the English taking pictures of me. Holding my pitchfork I gave them the “my eyes are on you” sign. They handed me money. I think the father wet his pants.  ~ Jedediah Gruber

9. Just charged an English $240 for a pair of “authentic Amish” Adirondack chairs that I bought at Walmart for $29. Morons.  ~ Samuel Fisher

8. Jacob L. has the biggest “beard” I’ve ever seen. ~Miriam Zimmerman

7. I put a “Gluten Free” sign out on my farm stand today. Sold twice as many pumpkins. The English will buy anything that says gluten free. WTF is gluten? ~ Matthew Beiler

Amish (2)

6. Two Mennonites walk into a bar. No they didn’t. They drove themselves there! LOL! ~ Abram Schwartz

5. I’m exhausted. I’ve been dying eggs brown to sell to the English all morning. BTW, Grade AA extra large eggs are just 99 cents a dozen at Costco. ~Sarah Jane Smith

6. Martin Zook is in the fields with Dravin Hilty and two others.

5. Isaac Miller shared Phil Taylor, Author’s post Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Amish Facebook Status Updates. Ha Ha! You guys have to read this. The English are complete assholes. At least this one is.

4. Hey everybody, I think the English are closing in on figuring out that we have our own internet. I bet we can sell them the idea that hay has gigabytes in it. ~ John Hershberger

Amish (3)

3. Hey everybody! Come read my blog where I make fun of the English and their weird obsession with quilts.  ~ Hannah King

2. Michael Zimmerman is in the barn with Levi the blacksmith and two others. Feeling melancholy :~)

1. Oh my God it is such a relief to get in the house and take this stupid fake beard off. ~ Joseph Stolzfus

BTW, if you were wondering why I used the phrase “the English” several times, it’s because that’s how the Amish refer to the rest of us, as if we’re all the same. The nerve of them! If you think your Amish friends would enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Why The Amish Are Cooler Than You

Amish_Paradise

Admit it, you saw the title and had to read further. I am totally diggin’ me some Amish action lately. I see straw hats, bonnets, and horse drawn buggys and I think, “Damn, break me off a piece of that!” I cannot find me a butter churn fast enough.  We all love the Amish. We find their culture and lifestyle fascinating. Here’s your evidence that the Amish are hot: Last week I bought a shed from the Amish. (Notice how we always refer to them as ‘The Amish’? As if they’re all one group or a large object of some sort.) So after my awesome, built like a fortress, Amish shed was delivered I posted a picture of it on Facebook.  That picture of my new Amish shed generated more comments than anything I’ve ever said or posted on Facebook in the last four years. Either I’m a boring Facebooker or you’re diggin’ some Amish action too.

So why do we all love the Amish so much? Is it their stylish black outfits? They say black is very slimming. Have you ever seen a fat Amish person? Me neither. I wonder what their gyms are like? Instead of a stairmaster maybe they have a butter churn machine. The guys work out by bench pressing 4″x4″ lumber with hay bales on the ends. Do they work out in those sack dresses and the pants with suspenders? Do those come in lycra?

f13d6a2b188374b338a16be66d916d619e8d84cc729f465f1a3c347c14624d51

Another good thing about being Amish; their budget kicks ass. Guess how much money the Amish lost in their 401K’s when the economy tanked? A lot less than me, that’s for sure. You think the Amish worry about how they’ll pay for retirement? Do you know how much they pay for electricity? $0.00. That’s pretty damn good compared with my utility bill. And guess how much they pay for gas? Yup, $0.00. Unfortunately, the gas they’re most familiar is in the form of methane coming from the horse in front of them pulling their buggy.

Rumspringa. It’s the Amish word for a period of adolescence when youth are allowed to leave home for a period of time to experience the modern world and decide if they want to return to the Amish faith. Talk about an awesome hall pass! It’s a wonder they get any of them back. As a parent I love the idea. I’d love to get my kids out of the house for a year or two. In fact, I want to negotiate with the Amish for a reverse rumspringa program. When my kids are being difficult I want to send them to live with the Amish for a year. Building a few barns would straighten out their attitude.

funny-pictures-amish-mosh-pit

I fear however that Amish culture as we know it may soon cease to exist and I fear that it may be my fault. I accidentally exposed the Amish to the cartoon Family Guy. The Amish are allowed to use technology for work but not in their homes. The Amish shed maker had to call me to tell me when my shed was going to be delivered and my ringback tone is a clip from Family Guy. At the end of our brief conversation Amish shed maker said, “I like your ringtone.” Since then I’ve gotten 27 hang up calls from an unlisted number. I just hear a little oddly accented giggling before the line goes dead. I’m pretty sure it’s the Amish calling just to listen to Family Guy. This can’t be good.

To be honest, like the Amish would be, this post is an excerpt from my book Fifty Shades of Philwhich features the 50 best posts from the first eight years of The Phil Factor. If you enjoy my nonsense and want to have a literary rumspringa with me you can purchase Fifty Shades of Phil for 99 cents for your Kindle or just the Kindle app on your phone.. Unless of course you’re Amish. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Amish TV Shows There Should Be!

amish-paradise

Who are we kidding? We know we all love the Amish. If there were an Amish TV channel we’d binge watch all of the shows on Netflix. Here are ten shows that would be killer in the Amish Nielsen ratings.

10. House of Cardboard: Inept Jebediah Gruber keeps building his house out of cardboard and the strong wind off the plains keeps blowing it over. Each week his clumsy friends Levi, Amos, and Paul come over to rebuild while the women-folk churn butter and gossip. Hijinks ensue.

9. Breaking Bad Wind: Miriam Fisher is lactose intolerant but ironically lives on a dairy farm. Her frequent flatulence wreaks havoc on her dating life.

s-l300

8. Downtown Abbey: Young Abbey Stoltzfus has known nothing but the Amish farm life. She has heard tales of the big city from tourists who frequent the family farm stand and she yearns to see more and be more, believing that her future lies in the city that never sleeps. How will she achieve her dreams against her parents wishes?

7. CSI Lancaster: Lancaster, Pennslyvania; the epicenter of Amish culture is an attraction for tourists, but it’s also an attraction for murder. Pastor King is found with a pitchfork through his chest and his crucifix missing. Detective Jacob usually handles hog theft. Is he in over his black bearded head with this mystery?

6. Amish Idol: Best yodeler wins the right to marry the woman of their choice. It’s really only one episode, live from the Raber family barn. 20 minutes tops.

discoverychannel.com

discoverychannel.com

5. 16 and Pregnant: Josephine’s sixteen year old prize winning cow surprises everyone by becoming pregnant. But who is the father? Could it be the Yoder’s bull or perhaps a strange bull who got loose when the gypsy travelers passed through town?

4. The Working Dead: Jethro attempts to fake his own death to get out of building “one more frickin’ barn that we don’t need.” Will the community laugh it off or will Jethro’s lazy ways finally get him shunned?

3. A Mennonite Gladiator: The pacifist Amish are enthralled and confused by a bearded man in a sequined cape who attempts to pick fights with everyone in town.

$_35

2. Dr. Who? One Amish communities resistance to modern medical care results in an epidemic of chlamydia, foot in mouth disease, and ringworm. Will they give in and accept help or suffer until they’re extinct?

1. Game of Phones: Eli and Samuel buy cell phones from some tourists and discover the joys of sexting. As the only two Amish with cell phones, they don’t realize that it’s each others “barns” they’re raising. Hijinks and a surprisingly sensitive exploration of sexuality ensue. (Rated MA for mature content)

So what would be your suggestions for TV shows the Amish would enjoy? Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things The Amish Don’t Know

81 v_moon_man1

10. Man on the moon: I’m sure they may have heard about this from a tourist by now, but do you think they really believe it? Seriously, they’re still having a hard time coming to grips with the internal combustion engine.

9. Swipe left or right? What’s the Amish version of Tinder? If there was one it might be easier not to marry your cousin. I’m sure they’ve seen us with our cell phones, but imagining apps has got to be beyond them. Whenever I’m around the Amish I aim my cell phone at them, play a Rob Zombie song and tell them I’m stealing their soul.

amish-online-dating-103009-main-400x270

8. Thongs: What are Amish undergarments made of, burlap?

7. ATM’s: Where do they get money when they need it? (Besides charging us $250 for an Adirondack chair)

6. Birth Control: Then again, maybe they ignore this on purpose. The more kids they have the more hands to work the farm.

5. The Kardashians: The Amish don’t know who they are! This is the one instance that I’m envious of them. I wonder if there’s an Amish equivalent to the Kardashians? That might be the family with the most cows who lets them graze in the front yard and shows off their shiny, new buggy every year.

11283_Nimg

4. Hot Pockets and Doritos: An Amish hot pocket is a practical joke where you sneak up behind someone and drop a fresh, steaming cow patty in their pocket. That always gets a laugh at the barn raising.

3. Gangnam Style: My soul weeps for them because they missed this.

2. My blog: I read the stats and comments every day. Not once have I gotten a view from the Amish.  Jerks.

justin-bieber-roast-monkey

1. Justin Bieber: The Amish are avowed pacifists. They won’t fight. They’re not aggressive at all, yet I think  that if Justin Bieber moved into their neighborhood they would very aggressively kick the crap out of him.

That’s my list. How about you? What do you think are some of the more surprising things that the Amish may not be aware of? Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Amish Facebook Status Updates

Amish (1)

I did it. I snuck on to the secret Amish internet and hacked into their version of Facebook. Here are some of the status updates I found:

10. Saw the English taking pictures of me. Holding my pitchfork I gave them the “my eyes are on you” sign. They handed me money. I think the father wet his pants.  ~ Jedediah Gruber

9. Just charged an English $240 for a pair of “authentic Amish” Adirondack chairs that I bought at Walmart for $29. Morons.  ~ Samuel Fisher

8. Jacob L. has the biggest “beard” I’ve ever seen. ~Miriam Zimmerman

7. I put a “Gluten Free” sign out on my farm stand today. Sold twice as many pumpkins. The English will buy anything that says gluten free. WTF is gluten? ~ Matthew Beiler

Amish (2)

6. Two Mennonites walk into a bar. No they didn’t. They drove themselves there! LOL! ~ Abram Schwartz

5. I’m exhausted. I’ve been dying eggs brown to sell to the English all morning. BTW, Grade AA extra large eggs are just 99 cents a dozen at Costco. ~Sarah Jane Smith

6. Martin Zook is in the fields with Dravin Hilty and two others.

5. Isaac Miller shared Phil Taylor, Author’s post Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Amish Facebook Status Updates. Ha Ha! You guys have to read this. The English are complete assholes. At least this one is.

4. Hey everybody, I think the English are closing in on figuring out that we have our own internet. I bet we can sell them the idea that hay has gigabytes in it. ~ John Hershberger

Amish (3)

3. Hey everybody! Come read my blog where I make fun of the English and their weird obsession with quilts.  ~ Hannah King

2. Michael Zimmerman is in the barn with Levi the blacksmith and two others. Feeling melancholy :~)

1. Oh my God it is such a relief to get in the house and take this stupid fake beard off. ~ Joseph Stolzfus

BTW, if you were wondering why I used the phrase “the English” several times, it’s because that’s how the Amish refer to the rest of us, as if we’re all the same. The nerve of them! If you think your Amish friends would enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil