Tag Archives: Top Ten Tuesday

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons I Want To Live in Hotels Forever!

Admittedly, this is a re-run. But it’s an appropriate one because I’m in a hotel all week this week for work. And, c’mon, seriously, who doesn’t want to live in a hotel? Am I right?

10. No lawn to mow: At hotels I won’t have any yardwork and yet the hedges will always be impeccably trimmed and sometimes in the whimsical shapes of animals. Or should it be the shapes of whimsical animals? Are animals capable of whimsy? I’m not even sure I am.

9. Housekeeping! Who doesn’t want their room cleaned every day? I imagine though that I’d develop an unhealthy Mom complex with my housekeeper to the point that she asks to be re-assigned to another floor.

8. The hotel bar: If I lived there it would be like Cheers and everyone would know my name and yell “Phil!” when I walk in.

7. Coffee in my room: I love just hopping out of bed, turning on the coffee maker and then hopping back in bed with my fresh cup of joe to watch the morning news.

6. The in room hotel safe: I don’t care if it’s tiny. I still feel cool as hell having a safe to lock things up with my secret code. I feel all Mission Impossible-like when I use the safe. I still can’t find a way to lower myself from the ceiling when I’m pretending to break into my own safe.

5. Fresh towels! Soft, cushy and clean every day. They make me feel like that fabric softener bear in the commercial. And btw, I’m only using them once. Re-using a towel is not going to save the planet. I saw a trash receptacle at my local supermarket that said “179 recycled milk jugs were used to create this trash can.” Are you kidding me? The time, energy and fossil fuel needed to make a giant trash can out of milk jugs probably shortened the life of this planet by a year. Don’t tell me to re-use my towels!

4. Weather: I grew up in upstate New York and I still live here. I’m sick and tired of snow. No, I don’t like the change of seasons. You know who says they like the change of seasons? People who live somewhere warm. Jackasses. Spend your whole life digging your car out of the snow six months a year and see if you like the change of seasons then. When I live in hotels I’ll never have to see snow again if I don’t want to.

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3. If You’re tired of the view you can move: If it’s the view from my room or just the city the hotel is in; if I’ve seen all there is to see I can just go to another hotel somewhere else. At some point you know I’ll be in Snow White’s Castle at Disney World. That will be awkward.

2. The friendly hotel staff: They have to be nice to you whether they like you or not. It’s not that I have any problem with people not liking me, but in real, non-hotel life sometimes other people are having bad days or whatever and are not nice. Within the safe confines of a hotel everyone is friendly and there to help. Who doesn’t enjoy groveling sycophants?

1. Being driven around: If I sold my house and car and lived in hotels I’d never have to drive again. At some point in the distant future my sight and reaction time will decline to the point that it would be unsafe for me to continue driving; but you know what? I’ll still have a driver’s license and no one will stop me. When I live in hotels I’ll just call for a taxi, shuttle bus or town car if I need to go somewhere. Me living in hotels will save lives, so if you would all go buy all of my books to the point that I get that trillion dollars I need, it may even save your life. Who knows? If left to my own devices I could be driving down your street someday and you don’t really want that do you?

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share it by hitting the Facebok or Twitter share buttons below. Also, I’d love your vote for Funniest logger in the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards. You can vote  HERE !

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Signs Your Wife is Cheating With an Amish Guy

10. She’s never secretly texting in the bathroom.

9. She buys lots of new flannel lingerie

Harrison Ford in the movie Witness

Harrison Ford in the movie Witness

8. Suddenly begins going to nighttime barn raisings with “the girls.”

7. Comes home with straw in her hair.

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6. She suddenly has this new “butter churn” move in the bedroom.

5. Buys a loom

4. Seems oddly aroused when she sees horses on television.

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3. She receives an actual handwritten letter in the mail which you are unable to read because it’s in cursive.

2. Announces that she’s going to the Amish pub to participate in a wet bonnet contest.

1. Gets a tattoo of an Amish hat with the caption “Once you go black you never go back”

You would not believe some of the creepy terms I had to put into Google to find the pictures and get ideas for this. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog button below. Also, if you haven’t voted for the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards, I’d be grateful if you’d go HERE and vote for me as Funniest Blogger. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things I Will Never Intentionally Eat

Are you wondering how the title goes with that picture of a guinea pig? Read on! If I were to go on a reality show like Survivor or Fear Factor (the show that helped me come up with the name The Phil Factor) I’d be fine with eating bugs and snakes. This may be tempting fate, but here are ten things I will never eat intentionally.

10. Mustard: I believe that this is a substance spawned in the bowels of hell. I put only ketchup on my hot dogs. I can throw up right now if I just think about mustard long enough. Moving on…

9. Onions: I’d rather eat broken glass. I can tolerate some onion powder in a dish, I’m OK with the flavor, but not the texture of onions in my mouth.

8. Other humans: Like I said, I may be tempting fate here, but cannibalism just seems to be in bad taste. Of course if my plane goes down in the Andes mountains and we run out of peanuts…

7. Brains: Not human of course. In many countries it’s not unusual to eat animal brains. The brain reportedly is the most nutritionally dense part of any animal. It just seems wrong. What if in some comic book type plot I suddenly starting thinking like and talking like the animal whose brain I ate? I’d probably fail as a zombie.

6. Seahorses: They’re served fried on a stick in China. I think they’re cute and have a look of intelligence.

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5. Guinea pig: Often eaten in South American countries. Umm…no thanks. I find them ugly and repulsive when they’re alive. Did you know that if you pick them up by their tail their eyes will pop out?

4. Kiviak: This one makes we want to puke just thinking about it. Kiviak is a traditional Inuit (Eskimo) food from Greenland. They take a seal, dead I hope, and stuff it with 500 birds, also dead I hope, and then bury it under the ground to ferment for months. It is said to help the Inuits combat vitamin deficiencies in their diet. Haven’t the Inuits ever heard of taking actual vitamins? Someone get them a wi-fi signal! (I was going to put a picture in for this one, but all the pictures of it were very off putting in the morning.

3. Deviled eggs: I eat hard boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, fried eggs and most any other kind of eggs. Won’t touch a deviled egg. It just looks wrong. Ugh, and adding the paprika on top makes it look wronger.

2. Smalahove: It’s sheeps head. They eat it in Norway. I’ll eat just about any animal, but at least take the face off first.

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1. Pickles: Of all the things on this list this is the one I would choose last if forced to. If I’m on a reality show and the challenge is to eat a pickle with mustard I bow out immediately no matter how much money is on the line. It’s the sour, awful vinegar. I can’t get past the smell. I held a pickle once but couldn’t bring myself to eat it.

So what foods are your kryptonite and why?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things I Learned From Toddlers

10. A nap solves almost any problem. (I find this still applies in adulthood)

9. TV shows and movies are so much better when you watch them over and over until you have the lines memorized and then you watch them some more. (I’m convinced a child invented Netflix)

8. When you’re really bored you should just lay down on the floor no matter where you are.

7. If I cover my eyes I become invisible. (Wouldn’t it be great if this were true? At work this would come in handy)

6. Sliding glass doors are a really mean trick.

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5. Why do something for yourself if someone else will do it?

4. Sometimes just pointing is enough. (If only this worked when you’re dating!)

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3. If you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.

2. If you act tired someone will pick you up (this is mostly only applicable to toddlers and women in bars)

1. An ear piercing scream will get you out of almost any situation.

Do you have any fun ones to add from your experience? Please put them in the comments. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

 

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Funniest Songs I Know

Chances are that you don’t know many of the artists or songs on this list, but if you want to add something new to your iPhone that will bring a smile to your face when it comes on unexpectedly, I strongly recommend these songs. I’ve excluded parody songs. I’ve provided links to the Youtube videos so you can play them while you read blogs. (Warning: some songs may contain PG-13 language or themes)

10. 88 Lines about 44 Women by The Nails: This song is peppy, upbeat, and from the 80’s but stands the test of time. It’s still in my collection. Video

9. Stacy’s Mom by Fountains of Wayne: This is “Mrs. Robinson” for a new generation.

8. King of Spain by Moxy Fruvous: A hilarious and underrated Canadian band from the 1990’s. Video

7. Chicks Dig It by Chris Cagle: Just so you don’t think I only listen to obscure alternative music I threw in a country song: Video

6. Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot: An ode to well…you know. Video

5. The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang: A ditty honoring sexual euphemisms. If you are easily offended, don’t listen. Video

4. Pretty Fly for a White Guy by The Offspring: The hilarious and true story of my life. Video

3. Girlfriend in a Coma by The Smiths: An amazingly peppy and upbeat song considering the topic. Video

2. Connecticut is for F—— by Jesus H. Christ and The Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse: This always makes any list of my favorite songs of any kind. There was no official video. The one I’ve linked to looks home made. Video

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1. Pantera Fans in Love by Nerf Herder: Truth be told, this band could have placed several songs on the list. This isn’t the funniest oone, but the other was so inappropriate that I chose not to sully #ThePhilFactor with it. Video

As always, it’s tough limiting these lists to ten. What are some of your favorite funny songs?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

#TopTenTuesday

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Idiotic Things Celebrities Have Bought

We’ve all heard the stories of excess among the rich and famous. Sure they have cars and mansions and yachts. But occasionally certain eccentric celebrities have made purchases that cause everyone to raise an eyebrow. The picture below is of John Merrick, the Elephant Man. In 1987 Michael Jackson unsuccessfully tried to purchase his skeleton for 1 million dollars. Here are ten of the most unusual celebrity purchases that I was able to find:

10. Nicholas Cage bought a Tyrannosaurus Rex skull  for $270,000. He had to outbid Leonardo DiCaprio for it.

9. Tyrese bought his daughter an island for her 8th birthday. What 8 year old doesn’t need their own island? Some get cell phones, others get islands. Tyrese, the R&B singer and Fast & Furious actor will not divulge the cost or the location of Love Island. Sounds like a reality show doesn’t it?

8. Just like in The Hangover, Mike Tyson has a tiger. 

7. Rapper Lil Wayne has diamond encrusted teeth. That has to take a lot of flossing. Can you imagine how much food gets stuck in those teeth?

6. Actress Kim Basinger bought a city. For $20 million she bought Braselton, Georgia in hopes of turning it into a movie studio town.

5. Lady Gaga bought a ghost detector: The electro-magnetic frequency detector was only $50,000, but a very cool purchase. I wish I had one.

Picture courtesy of Edmonton Sun

4. Several celebrities have bought tickets to outer space. No, not Disney’s Space Mountain, but to the real outer space. Virgin Atlantic owner Richard Branson is selling celebs $200,000 tickets for a ride to outer space that might occur in the future. Celebs who have bought a ticket include: Tom Hanks, Angelina and Brad, Stephen Hawking, Ashton Kutcher and Justin Bieber.

3. A 1.5 million dollar bathtub? Tamara Ecclestone, daughter of Formula 1 exec Bernie Ecclestone bought a 1.5 million dollar crystal bathtub. She said, “…but I spend a lot of time in the bath, so it’s worth it.” She must be pruney 24/7.

2. Johnny Depp really likes wine. So much so that he spends $30,000 per month on it. I don’t care what kind of wine you’re drinking, that is a lot of wine. Enjoy your dementia and liver disease Johnny!

1. All that glitters isn’t gold, but it might be Ke$ha: Ke$sha spends $2000/month on glitter. She must be the envy of every stripper. Said Ke$ha, “I am shooting glitter from glitter guns and out of every orifice in my body.” She told Jimmy Kimmel that she has a “glitter specialist” named Santa. “He just follows me around and makes sure I’m always covered in glitter,” she explained. “Because I feel it would be seriously a disappointment if I was ever seen without it.”

So, what are your extravagant purchases? Mine? I have a weakness for new technology gadgets. Have a glitterful Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Best Conspiracy Theories

Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy theory? They’re fun, but thankfully most of them aren’t true. Here are some of the most popular ones:

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10. Flat Earth: Seriously, there’s about three of you left. You’ve got Neil DeGrasse Tyson and every space mission since 1969 against you. How’s that working out?

9. Avril Lavigne died and was replaced by a look-a-like: How do we debunk this unless someone took her fingerprints?

bbcamerica.com

8. Freddie Mercury once dressed Princess Diana as a man and snuck her into a gay bar: I hope this one is true. Diana deserved to get out of the stodgy castle and have some fun.

7. Guy Fierie and the lead singer of Smashmouth are the same guy: Really?  Who cares about this?

6. Keanu Reeves is a time traveler: I really want this to be true.

5. Albert Einstein was/is a time traveler: I’m totally in on this one but I can’t tell you why.

4. The Berenstain Bears used to be The Berenstein Bears and we remember it the other way from a parallel universe. Read THIS Phil Factor post from August 2015.

3. The Earth is hollow and is filled with aliens: That’s too bad. I was hoping it was filled with chocolate.

2. The U.S. government covered up a crash of an alien spacecraft in Roswell, New Mexico: This is the most popular alien conspiracy theory and yet after fifty years no one has seen proof.

1. The moon landing was faked in a movie studio: To be honest, who cares if this is true or not? How does it effect us one way or another?

So which one is your favorite? Which do you hope is true? Which do you hope isn’t true? Do you have other favorite conspiracy theories?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil