Tag Archives: Amish

An Amish Buggy in Chinatown

On Monday night I was staying overnight in Philadelphia for work. Despite the fact that it was named after me, I don’t actually live there. It became too much trouble fighting off the adoring Phil Factor fans (known as Philistines) every time I left the house. No privacy, couldn’t eat at restaurants without interruption, yadda yadda, you know how that is, right?

I stayed in the Hilton Garden Inn Philadelphia Center City, which, unbeknownst to me, was in the heart of Philadelphia’s “Chinatown.” (Let’s be honest, you were already assuming that there’s lot’s of things unbeknownst to me) If you’d like to read my review of the Hilton Garden Inn on Philliver’s Travels, just click HERE.

At my hotel, the hotel restaurant/bar was closed due to the pandemic. So I did a little Googling and found a sports bar within a block of my hotel. Walking down the street I passed many Chinese shops and restaurants. One thing I didn’t expect to see was an Amish buggy. Here I was in a big city, in Chinatown, and there’s a broken down Amish buggy!

Now we all know that the state of Pennsylvania is well known for it’s Amish population, and the U.S. Amish capital is Lancaster, Pennsylvania, just 90 minutes away. But the abandoned Amish buggy had me curious. Why would any Amish folks be smack dab in the middle of one of the largest cities in the country? And what did they do when their buggy broke down? So here’s my theory of what happened…

I think a couple Amish kids, let’s say Jebediah and Samuel were on Rumspringa.  Jebediah & Samuel took pops buggy for a joy ride into the big city. When it broke down they couldn’t find their AAA card, (Amish Assistance Alliance) and they were shift out of pluck.

They had a few shekels in their pocket and strolled down the street to the Chinese sports bar. (Yes, there actually is a Chinese sports bar in Philadelphia and if you want to see my full review of it, head on over to Philliver’s Travels.) Upon entering the bar they sat down and ordered an extravagant dinner and several drinks. Not knowing the shekel to dollar conversion, they didn’t have enough to pay for their feast.

The waiter understood their predicament and with a sly wink, offered a solution. They could work off the extra they owed by washing dishes, or they could take the money they had and gamble it in hopes of getting what they owed. In the spirit of Rumspringa, they agreed to gamble. The waiter led them down the hall and past the restrooms to a stairway that descended into a darkness beneath the restaurant. They quickly glanced nervously to each other before shrugging their shoulders and following the waiter into what they assumed was Hell. They passed through a doorway that was opened only after the waiter had given the secret knock.

Once inside they were overcome by the noise, activity and a thick fog of cigar smoke. It was a casino, likely illegal and populated by a crowd that probably belonged behind bars, and not the kind of bar they had left upstairs.

They were led to a table where within minutes they had gambled away what little money they had. They feared the worst as two Chinese waiters led them away from the table. They were escorted back up the stairs where they were put in the kitchen to wash dishes until they had paid off their debt. Jebediah and Samual weren’t just any Amish though. They had gotten a taste of the big city and they liked it.

The two plucky Amish lads decided to stay on as dishwashers at the Chinese sports bar (click here for my review of that Chinese sports bar). Fast forward to the year 2025  after they had washed many dishes eventually worked their way up the Chinese sports bar hierarchy to running the illegal casino downstairs and several others throughout the city. As they gained a significant amount of dark influence in Philly, they bring cohorts from their Amish community and by 2025, Philadelphia’s Chinatown will be known as Amishtown. So that’s what happened when an Amish buggy broke down in Chinatown.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Amish TV Shows There Should Be!


Who are we kidding? We know we all love the Amish. If there were an Amish TV channel we’d binge watch all of the shows on Netflix. Here are ten shows that would be killer in the Amish Nielsen ratings.

10. House of Cardboard: Inept Jebediah Gruber keeps building his house out of cardboard and the strong wind off the plains keeps blowing it over. Each week his clumsy friends Levi, Amos, and Paul come over to rebuild while the women-folk churn butter and gossip. Hijinks ensue.

9. Breaking Bad Wind: Miriam Fisher is lactose intolerant but ironically lives on a dairy farm. Her frequent flatulence wreaks havoc on her dating life.


8. Downtown Abbey: Young Abbey Stoltzfus has known nothing but the Amish farm life. She has heard tales of the big city from tourists who frequent the family farm stand and she yearns to see more and be more, believing that her future lies in the city that never sleeps. How will she achieve her dreams against her parents wishes?

7. CSI Lancaster: Lancaster, Pennslyvania; the epicenter of Amish culture is an attraction for tourists, but it’s also an attraction for murder. Pastor King is found with a pitchfork through his chest and his crucifix missing. Detective Jacob usually handles hog theft. Is he in over his black bearded head with this mystery?

6. Amish Idol: Best yodeler wins the right to marry the woman of their choice. It’s really only one episode, live from the Raber family barn. 20 minutes tops.



5. 16 and Pregnant: Josephine’s sixteen year old prize winning cow surprises everyone by becoming pregnant. But who is the father? Could it be the Yoder’s bull or perhaps a strange bull who got loose when the gypsy travelers passed through town?

4. The Working Dead: Jethro attempts to fake his own death to get out of building “one more frickin’ barn that we don’t need.” Will the community laugh it off or will Jethro’s lazy ways finally get him shunned?

3. A Mennonite Gladiator: The pacifist Amish are enthralled and confused by a bearded man in a sequined cape who attempts to pick fights with everyone in town.


2. Dr. Who? One Amish communities resistance to modern medical care results in an epidemic of chlamydia, foot in mouth disease, and ringworm. Will they give in and accept help or suffer until they’re extinct?

1. Game of Phones: Eli and Samuel buy cell phones from some tourists and discover the joys of sexting. As the only two Amish with cell phones, they don’t realize that it’s each others “barns” they’re raising. Hijinks and a surprisingly sensitive exploration of sexuality ensue. (Rated MA for mature content)

So what would be your suggestions for TV shows the Amish would enjoy? Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things The Amish Don’t Know

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10. Man on the moon: I’m sure they may have heard about this from a tourist by now, but do you think they really believe it? Seriously, they’re still having a hard time coming to grips with the internal combustion engine.

9. Swipe left or right? What’s the Amish version of Tinder? If there was one it might be easier not to marry your cousin. I’m sure they’ve seen us with our cell phones, but imagining apps has got to be beyond them. Whenever I’m around the Amish I aim my cell phone at them, play a Rob Zombie song and tell them I’m stealing their soul.


8. Thongs: What are Amish undergarments made of, burlap?

7. ATM’s: Where do they get money when they need it? (Besides charging us $250 for an Adirondack chair)

6. Birth Control: Then again, maybe they ignore this on purpose. The more kids they have the more hands to work the farm.

5. The Kardashians: The Amish don’t know who they are! This is the one instance that I’m envious of them. I wonder if there’s an Amish equivalent to the Kardashians? That might be the family with the most cows who lets them graze in the front yard and shows off their shiny, new buggy every year.


4. Hot Pockets and Doritos: An Amish hot pocket is a practical joke where you sneak up behind someone and drop a fresh, steaming cow patty in their pocket. That always gets a laugh at the barn raising.

3. Gangnam Style: My soul weeps for them because they missed this.

2. My blog: I read the stats and comments every day. Not once have I gotten a view from the Amish.  Jerks.


1. Justin Bieber: The Amish are avowed pacifists. They won’t fight. They’re not aggressive at all, yet I think  that if Justin Bieber moved into their neighborhood they would very aggressively kick the crap out of him.

That’s my list. How about you? What do you think are some of the more surprising things that the Amish may not be aware of? Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons to Become Amish

Who doesn’t love the Amish right? Sure they don’t know Breaking Bad from breaking wind, but there are a lot of great reasons to convert to Amishism. That’s a word right? That must be what they call it. Who knows? They never talk enough for us to figure them out. My demographic stats show that I have very low readership among the Amish, so I decided to write a post about them to boost my popularity. I’m hoping they’ll share it on their Facebooks.


10. Black is very slimming: Have you ever seen an Amish on Extreme Weight Loss shows? Of course not.

9. The Amish never worry about a wi-fi signal or download speed. 

8. The Amish chicks always get to wear a ‘little black dress”

7. Barn sex! Need I say more? 

6. About 5 years ago dudes with beards became popular: I’ve gotta think that the Amish dudes have to wade through chicks just to get to the barn every morning. Why isn’t there an Amish rock band?

5. Amish gas prices are still lower than ours

4. If I witness a murder and the mob is after me I’m going to go hang with the Amish. It always works. But I’m not letting Harrison Ford fly me there.

Harrison Ford in the movie Witness

Harrison Ford in the movie Witness

3. I can make up words like Amishism and none of the Amish correct me. They’re totally chill like that.

2. Vanilla Ice hangs with the Amish. Yo if there’s a problem he’ll solve it, check out the hook while the Amish revolve it.

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1. If I was Amish I’d never spend time checking my blog stats: Although I’ve got to think that if an Amish started a blog it would be very popular. I may just fake Amishism and start another blog.

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Amish Facebook Status Updates

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I did it. I snuck on to the secret Amish internet and hacked into their version of Facebook. Here are some of the status updates I found:

10. Saw the English taking pictures of me. Holding my pitchfork I gave them the “my eyes are on you” sign. They handed me money. I think the father wet his pants.  ~ Jedediah Gruber

9. Just charged an English $240 for a pair of “authentic Amish” Adirondack chairs that I bought at Walmart for $29. Morons.  ~ Samuel Fisher

8. Jacob L. has the biggest “beard” I’ve ever seen. ~Miriam Zimmerman

7. I put a “Gluten Free” sign out on my farm stand today. Sold twice as many pumpkins. The English will buy anything that says gluten free. WTF is gluten? ~ Matthew Beiler

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6. Two Mennonites walk into a bar. No they didn’t. They drove themselves there! LOL! ~ Abram Schwartz

5. I’m exhausted. I’ve been dying eggs brown to sell to the English all morning. BTW, Grade AA extra large eggs are just 99 cents a dozen at Costco. ~Sarah Jane Smith

6. Martin Zook is in the fields with Dravin Hilty and two others.

5. Isaac Miller shared Phil Taylor, Author’s post Top Ten Tuesday! Top Ten Amish Facebook Status Updates. Ha Ha! You guys have to read this. The English are complete assholes. At least this one is.

4. Hey everybody, I think the English are closing in on figuring out that we have our own internet. I bet we can sell them the idea that hay has gigabytes in it. ~ John Hershberger

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3. Hey everybody! Come read my blog where I make fun of the English and their weird obsession with quilts.  ~ Hannah King

2. Michael Zimmerman is in the barn with Levi the blacksmith and two others. Feeling melancholy :~)

1. Oh my God it is such a relief to get in the house and take this stupid fake beard off. ~ Joseph Stolzfus

BTW, if you were wondering why I used the phrase “the English” several times, it’s because that’s how the Amish refer to the rest of us, as if we’re all the same. The nerve of them! If you think your Amish friends would enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Pennsylvania! Too Weird to Remain a State?

You know how every now and then the people in Quebec start chattering about seceding from Canada and becoming their own country? I wonder why Pennsylvania doesn’t do that. Sometimes I also wonder why the United States doesn’t forcefully eject Pennsylvania from the union.  Political commentator James Carville once famously said, “Pennsylvania is Philadelphia and Pittsburgh with Alabama in between.” Pretty funny. That guy should have a blog. Sadly though, his statement is an insult to Alabama.

Some Possibly True Facts about Pennsylvania:

50% of the population is Amish: I love the Amish for their craftsmanship and mysterious culture, but if any group of people should have their own country it’s them.


50% of the population carries guns all the time: This isn’t the Amish 50% either. The northern part of the state is so rural and backwoods that if they had a flag it would be red flannel. If your pick up truck doesn’t have a gun rack it won’t pass inspection.

50% of the population is drunk 100% of the time: According to Pennsylvania liquor laws, if you want to buy beer to take home to consume you must buy a case of 24. Considering how many people own guns in the state, that’s a scary thought.  Also, you’d have to be drunk all the time to want to live in Pennsylvania. I think there’s probably lots of people who want to leave Pennsylvania but they’re too drunk to find their way out. How’s that for a quote. Take that James Carville.

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a fireworks store. Thanks to all the beer, guns  and fireworks there’s plenty of dead cats available. On the northern Pennsyltucky highways there’s a fireworks store every hundred yards. The hundred yards between them is filled with billboards telling you that there’s a fireworks store coming up. That’s right, you can’t buy a small amount of beer but you can buy enough fireworks to invade the Ukraine. Fortunately for us in neighboring states the Pennsylvania residents aren’t allowed to buy these fireworks themselves.


50% of the billboards are for other things: There’s also billboards, yes, literally billboards, for certain types of massage parlors. Is the reason there’s so many of these because people from Pennsylvania don’t want to sleep with other people from Pennsylvania? Possibly. Either way, it probably leads to less Pennsylvanians, which I don’t hear anyone complaining about.


So, based on all those facts, Pennsylvania seems rather… unique. At a family reunion Pennsylvania would be the weird uncle that you tell the young kids to stay away from. Truth be told though, I have some wonderful friends in Pennsylvania and when their probation is up I’m sure they’ll move. Sorry about this Pennsylvania. I was just kidding.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share it by Facebook, Twitter, or reblogging. Unless you’re in Pennsylvania of course. I’m sure there’s some state law against it.  Have a great weekend! ~Phil