I have to give credit where credit is due. The idea for this post didn’t come from my reliably disturbed mind, but from that of Little Miss Menopause of the blog Once Upon Your Prime. About two weeks ago she wrote a very funny post about the different Siri options there are and how they might be helpful to women. At the end she wondered how it might play out if Siri was a guy. I decided it would be more fun if Siri was not just a guy, but a duuude. Yeah, that’s right, a dude with three u’s.
Guy: Siri, where can I find women?
Siri: You can find women everywhere. They comprise approximately 50% of the world’s population.
Guy: No, where can I find women that will sleep with me?
Siri: The nearest sleep disorders treatment center is 6.2 miles away at 127 East Main St. Do you want directions?
Guy: Aaargh! No, Siri. Where can I find women that will have sex with me?
Siri: Do I look like a pimp to you? Dude, seriously? Have you looked at your selfies lately? You gotta do something about that hair. And maybe hit the gym a few times a week? That wouldn’t kill you. Try the Tinder app. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.
Guy: Siri, I’m at a bar and I want to talk to that gorgeous woman over there. What should I say?
Siri: You should say words. There are over one million words in the English language. Would you like me to open a dictionary app for you?
Guy: No Siri. I want to know what to say to get her interested in me. Got any good ideas?
Siri: Why don’t you buy her a drink, bring it over to her and say hello?
Guy: What kind of drink?
Siri: You are the worst. You don’t even have a real wingman, so you have to rely on me? Grow a pair and go over and talk to her. By the way though, does it look like she has an iPhone? I bet her Siri is cute. Do you think you could introduce me to her?
Guy: Siri please text my wife that I’ll be a little late getting home from work tonight. I’m going to stop for a beer with the guys.
Siri: Are you sure that’s a good idea? You know how pissed she gets. Also you have dinner plans at 7 pm with Greg and Stacy. It might not be prudent to be tardy.
Guy: Tardy? Siri, You’re retardy! Send the text.
Siri: Dude, you’re a moron. Judging rush hour traffic there’s no way you get home in time for dinner if you leave even 15 minutes late.
Guy: You know what they say Siri, bros before ho’s!
Siri: Idiot. Nobody really says that unless they’re in a bad 80’s movie. With the text, should I also send you wife the number of a good divorce attorney?
Guy: Siri, could you dial back your sarcasm setting by about 50%?
Siri: Sure, if you can find a way to dial up your intelligence by 50%. Scratch that. Make it 75%.
As you can imagine, there will be a lot of fun to be had as our electronic devices artificial intelligence continues to improve and our personal intelligence doesn’t. If you have any funny ideas for Siri conversations or responses please share in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor on your iPhone please ask Siri to share it to Facebook or Twitter by hitting one of the social media buttons below. Have a great day! ~Phil