Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons To Hate The Holidays?

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You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

Yup, that’s me; King of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon everybody, if we’re truly being honest with ourselves, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten, and in the spirit of a gift that keeps on giving, I’m hoping I’ll mention one or two things you haven’t noticed before and from this day forward you won’t be able to not notice them.

10. Candy canes: They’re sticky. That’s pretty much it. I like the minty flavor, but I can get that in a York Peppermint Patty without my lips, tongue and hands covered in a gross, viscous substance. And they make too many! Has anyone ever eaten all the candy canes they purchase each year? There must be landfills just overflowing with candy canes. If we could make fossil fuel out of leftover candy canes the world would be a better place.

9. The Nog Shortage: All holiday season everything is nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. (kind of like the Fall pumpkin influx) But then, if you like nog you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.

06-bubblegum

8.  Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people in them always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded in an avalanche in the Himalayas and they have to eat each other to survive.

iStockphoto.com/KonArt

iStockphoto.com/KonArt

7. More traffic: This ones pretty obvious, but for cripes sake you idiots! Haven’t you heard of the internet? I don’t care how much I love someone, nobody is worth going to the mall for from now until mid-January.

6. Lazy Hollywood folksAll our regular shows go on hiatus and show re-runs for 6 weeks. Seriously? You people make billions off these shows and you only make 22 episodes a year? That’s only five and a half months of work! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that every television program is required to produce a holiday special and one other original episode during the months of December and January.

5.  Lines in every store ALL the time: Yes, this one’s pretty obvious. It’s just a good thing no one sells handguns as an impulse buy item at the checkouts. Then again, I don’t live in the south, maybe they do there.

4. FrozenI don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. I’m sick of the songs and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.

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3.  Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway or garage to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen some version of this commercial since I was a kid, completely setting me up with unrealistic expectations.  Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes, just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?

2. Religious differences: It’s hard to believe, but not every religion has their most important, most exciting holiday in December. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m passing a law stating that all religions have to have their biggest holiday at the same time so we can easily sort out the school schedules, sales, and work vacations, Makes sense doesn’t it? And just to show that I’m not Christianity-centric, let’s do it in July in the northern hemisphere and December in the southern hemisphere. That way no one has to deal with snow when traveling to see the relatives, unless you’re stupid enough to live where there’s always snow.

1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Batman and Spider-Man characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?

Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog button below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

14 responses to “Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons To Hate The Holidays?

  1. First of all I applaud you for editing this list down to only 10 items. I tried to do this and had a heck of a lot more things on my list.

    Second, I agree with you on point #2.

    And third, my pet peeve about this time of year is that immediately after Thanksgiving, right about the time I’m starting to decorate our home, all those red felt bows you saw for sale in Aug/Sept/Oct are nowhere to be found. Right when I finally need ’em, *poof* they’re gone. 😦

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sorry, I couldn’t take the list seriously when you listed candy canes as an issue. :/

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s tough living in Southern California at Christmas. Palm trees are so tall. Do you know how long an extension cord you need to get lights all the way up there? It’s actually been pretty cold here. It was 34 degrees when I woke up. And we don’t have central heat. Brrr…

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Candy canes … UGH.

    … and sappy Christmas specials. Double UGH.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. number 8 totally cracked me up!

    Like

  6. I’ll be thinking of you when I’m frolicking in the surf on Christmas day! 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  7. The relations little brats
    Drunken brawling family sprats
    But I guess I should be glad
    My family is not so bad
    Except my mom who is the winner
    For serving me a TV dinner
    For our annual Thsnksgiving feast
    Let’s hope at Christmas, no repeats!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. #9 was my fave – can’t wait to read your new ‘nog blog’! Meanwhile, I hope Bill sends you a Lexus this year, and a B&B for me. 😉 Thanks for the funny.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Mmmm…candy canes…

    We never had any left in our house. We’d use extras as stirrers for hot cocoa. Yum. But I agree with you about their stickiness.

    The Nog well and blog are inspired.

    Did you know that, this year (the Muslim calendar doesn’t match the Gregorian calendar, year-to-year), Mohammed’s birthday fell in December, and Eid Al-Fitr in July? So, almost everybody got school time off for some big days! For Hindus, Diwali (a five-day holiday) fell on Halloween eve–I’m sure something could have been worked out, ’cause it takes about five days for ALL kids to detox after pigging out on Halloween candy.

    Like

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