We all keep this list in our head, don’t we? Unless you live on a farm in the middle of nowhere, you’ve got annoying neighbors. It could be in the ‘burbs, or maybe you live in an apartment. Either way, we all have neighbors who, through no fault of their own, irritate the living crap out of us. To be clear, my neighbors aren’t doing anything illegal, unethical or even marginally newsworthy. I know some of the things on the list are totally my issues, but that doesn’t make my neighbors less stupid.
10. Close It or Fix It! We don’t have mailboxes on our house or even in front of our houses. Every 50 meters there’s a post with a platform with four mailboxes on it. One of my neighbors often leaves his mailbox open. This infuriates me. “Close your fecking mailbox,” I scream in my head each time I see it just hanging open next to my perfectly closed mailbox. It effects me not at all, but just the same, his ignorant laziness in either not closing or not fixing it makes me want to destroy his open mailbox beyond recognition with a baseball bat.
9. Don’t Walk Your Dog When My Dog is Trying To Poop: For my dog, pooping is an extremely delicate activity that requires just the right atmospheric conditions and concentration. If your dog walks by when my dog is doing her circle dance to determine the perfect stance and location needed to excrete metabolic waste, my dog will be forced to protect her territory by barking at your dog even if you’re 50 meters away. The poop will then be delayed until I have to walk her again later.
8. Why Is Your Generator Always Running? In the northern part of the country some people choose to have a gas powered generator so that if the power goes out they will be able to have lights etc, My neighbor across the street has a generator. Every morning when I get up and take my dog out his generator is running even though we haven’t lost power. I’m convinced that he’s either incinerating the bodies of his victims or cooking meth in his basement. As a reference, please watch The ‘Burbs starring Tom Hanks and Breaking Bad starring Bryan Cranston.
7. I Hope Your House Burns Down: Living in a neighborhood is a cooperative venture. It’s important that we adhere to unwritten social rules. In the winter sometimes the fire hydrants get buried in snow. If they don’t get shoveled out, firefighters will have to do so before they can start putting out the fire in your house. One fire hydrant serves about four houses. Guess what idiots, it’s not my job to shovel it out every time. Yes, sadly, I live somewhere that a three foot tall fire hydrant often gets completely buried in snow, like I wish my neighbors would.
6. Nighttime Yardwork: For my U.K. readers our yard is what you call your “garden.” Imagine if your neighbor was using a lawnmower in the garden at 9:30 at night. Then once done mowing, he takes out his leaf blower so he can walk around getting every stray blade of grass off of his driveway. Then he will start pruning the tree in his front yard with a hedge trimmer. In the dark. Is it wrong to wish that he might trim off one of his digits? Maybe just a pinky to teach him a lesson.
5. Stop Being A Creepy Ghost: Because sleep is not part of my skillset, I’m often up at 5 a.m. taking my dog out. Not all the time, but every now and then I’ll turn around to see an older woman come drifting around the corner out of the fog. I’m not sure if I see her feet moving. I don’t hear a sound. She’s wearing a sweatshirt. And she just moves noiselessly past in the darkness. Oddly my dog never barks at her. I don’t know where she comes from or where she goes. As the kids would say, it’s creepy A.F.
4. Outdoor, Barefoot, Mail Getting, Cell Phone Talking: I have a neighbor who, in the Spring and Summer, gets home early evening and apparently takes his shoes off, calls someone and walks out to his open mailbox which is right in front of my house. So this dope is on the sidewalk in front of my house barefoot and talking loudly on his mobile. Often after he’s gotten his mail and left the box open he’ll walk back to his driveway and stand outside talking on his cell phone, which prevents my dog from going out to poop, unless I want to tolerate a seizure like bark-fest for five minutes straight.
3. No cookies? Are You Kidding Me?!!? Last winter the older woman who lives across the street had gotten her SUV stuck in the snow at the end of her drive. I voluntarily went over to help. I spent 20 minutes pushing and digging before I noticed her rear wheels weren’t spinning when the front ones were. She had the emergency brake on! I spent 20 minutes pushing her stupidly large SUV with my torn rotator cuff only to discover that she was a complete moron. If that doesn’t deserve her sending me a plate of freshly baked cookies then I don’t know what does. But the cookies never came. Next time she’s stuck and her house is on fire I will not be digging out her truck or her hydrant.
2. If you park on the street you deserve to get towed, or hit: My street is wide enough for a lane on either side. When a self-centered, egotistical jerk parks on the street it blocks one lane of traffic. Idiots. Tell your stupid friend to pull into the driveway.
1. I Know Where Maggie Is and I’m Not Telling: One of my neighbors owns 15 cats. Yes, 15. One of them is named Maggie. I know this because about 7 months out of the year, twice a week I look out my back window to see my neighbor walking through my back yard shaking a bag of cat treats and calling “Maggie” over and over. Guess what neighbor? I’m pretty sure your cat is hiding from you because you’re annoying. Hey, I’ve got an idea! How about if you want to find your cat, you don’t let it live outside? I’d like to get invisible fencing that would shock my neighbor when he crosses into my yard.
As far as I know, only one of my neighbors knows about this blog and she didn’t make the list. If I’m found murdered soon I’ve just given you a list of suspects. Sorry this was so long, but it was good therapy for me. So what do your neighbors do that bothers you? Feel free to share this on Facebook and tag the offending neighbors.
Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil