(04/18/15) I’m not sure who yelled GO! but about a week ago everyone who plans to run for President of the United States declared their intentions. Slackers. Those who follow me here know that I’ve been running for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, for the last ten years. Also, unlike the slacker candidates, I already know who my Vice-President will be. It is, of course, Justin Bieber. How did you not see that coming? Justin didn’t see it coming either, but I’m confident he’ll accept the nomination.
Here’s why Justin Bieber is the perfect Vice-Presidential candidate for me: This week, apparently upset that he and girlfriend Kendall Jenner (daughter of gender-transitioning Olympic gold medalist Bruce & sister of Kim Kardashian) were not allowed in to Drake’s performance at the Coachella Music Festival, so of course the Biebs threw a big enough hissy fit that he was dragged out in a chokehold by event security.
Also this week it came out that at some point in the past Justin impregnated Miley Cyrus, who later miscarried. This may or may not be true, but it’s out there. That’s a typical week for the Biebs. Police intervention and impregnating other talented/troubled perpetually adolescent singers. That kid makes more news in a week than I’ve made in my whole life. And he’s a complete idiot. That’s why he’s the perfect Vice-President. Remember when Dick Cheney shot someone in the face? How is anything Bieber’s done worse than that?
As a Presidential candidate, no matter what I do or say, it will all look good in comparison to anything Justin Bieber does, and Bieber’s hijinks will forever keep me in the news. And seriously, talk about rockin’ the vote! How many 18 year old girls would vote for Bieber? Here are your next leaders of the United States:
After seeing that picture I can’t imagine that ISIS won’t immediately surrender. Have a great week! ~Phil