Tag Archives: Current Events

My Solution To The Gun Crisis in America

His eyes are closed! He definitely shouldn’t have a gun. Photo from benchmarkreporter.com

There are two sides to every argument and this one is no different. Earlier this week Donald Trump proposed that instead of more restrictions on guns in the United States we just need more guns in the United States. In fact, he wants teachers in schools to be loaded for bear just in case a school shooter steps on the premises. More people with guns and bullets flying in multiple directions? (Warning: Read the next sentence with extreme sarcasm) I don’t see how that could go wrong!

Being a reasonable and rational man, (I can see you rolling your eyes right now. Stop that!) I decided to delve into this argument and look at it from both sides. The concern of many is the type of guns available to just about anybody. In some states, if you’ve got a pulse and a United States birth certificate, you can get an automatic weapon with nobody even blinking an eye. For some, it’s the type of gun that people can get their hands on that’s the problem. I couldn’t agree more. Automatic weapons are tools of war and have no place in the hands and homes of civilians.

Think about comparing guns to cars. Anybody and everybody can get a license to drive a car, but not just anybody can drive a military tank. I’m not saying all guns should be eliminated, just the types that are dangerous in the hands of the wrong people. Just like cars, I can drive one, but I probably shouldn’t be able to go to my local department store and buy a military tank. I’d be pretty dangerous with that. I say let everyone have access to guns, but only certain kinds. What kinds you ask? Here’s where I get creative!

Lets take the dangerous guns out of the hands of the public. Which ones though? My suggestions is to take away the ones with bullets. Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. It’s pretty rare that an empty gun has ever killed anyone, despite all the pistol whipping you see in crime shows. But, criminals will be criminals, so we can’t just take away the bullets. They’d find a way to get them illegally. So we have to take away all the bullets and the dangerous guns.

I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “But Phil, what guns aren’t dangerous?” First, I like that you said “But Phil” when thinking to yourself. Secondly there are only three types of guns the public should be allowed to have: Nerf, water, and Potato.  I’m sure most of you are familiar with the first two. If you’re not familiar with Potato guns, here’s the description from Wikipedia:  A potato cannon is a pipe-based cannon which uses air pressure (pneumatic), or combustion of a flammable gas (aerosol, propane, etc.), to launch projectiles at high speeds. They are built to fire chunks of potato. When I was a kid we fired tennis balls out of them instead of potatoes. Sure, if the gas or propane backfires, you’ve got a big problem, but in that case only the shooter gets hurt. Now if someone decided to shoot tater tots, that would be an epically good use of a Spud gun as long as someone else had a ketchup gun.

Yes, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first,  I’m removing all bullet firing weapons from the public domain with the exception of law enforcement and the military. Don’t give me the protecting your own home or hunting argument. More guns in homes accidentally kill people in the home than they do criminals. Get yourself an alarm system and a baseball bat. Hunting? Really? Is there anyone in the United States that needs to hunt to survive? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, I didn’t think so. If you really like shooting or want a gun in your home, get a Nerf gun or a potato gun. Like Ralphie’s mother worried, you might shoot your eye out, but nobody’s getting killed. Trust me, we don’t need guns. We’re idiots. The fact that the Kardashians are still on TV proves that. #PHIL2020

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Brexit Stage Left!

Doesn’t Brexit sound like a breakfast cereal full of fiber to make you poop? A great many people in Britain feel like they got pooped on Thursday. I’m going to attempt to bridge two cultures with humor. I’m going to try to make fun of a British situation in a way that my British friends will enjoy, while at the same time educating my American friends.

Thursday while the United Kingdom voted to “Brexit” from the European Union, people in the United States woke up and said, “What the hell is a Brexit?” Sadly, Trump supporters woke up and said,”What the hell is the European Union?” At this very moment Donald Trump is somewhere giving a speech and promising to build a wall to keep the British out of our country.

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Like that? I had it specially made for the occasion. You might be saying to yourself, Phil, why are you writing about something that 90% of Americans don’t understand? Thank you, I love it in a super weird way when you use my name while you talk to yourself. The answer to why, is that I love the United Kingdom. In fact, I am the United Kingdom. My ancestry is English, Irish and Scottish. I love it so much that I have a British themed room in my house. There’s so much British shit in there that the Germans are planning to bomb it. I also love meme generators, hence:

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I was so exited about the Brexit vote on Thursday that every time I left a room I loudly said, “Looks like it’s time for me to make my Brexit!” Of course, unlike when the British leave the E.U., when I leave, the currency doesn’t collapse and ruin everyone’s 401K’s. Actually, do they have 401K’s in Britain? I’ll have to find out before I retire to London. Speaking of money and England, why the hell doesn’t the entire world just have the same money? There’s pounds, dollars, euros, ducats, francs and many others. It’s all the same thing and we spend it the same. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a world wide law that all money must be the same. It will look like this: money

Speaking of Scotland, the Scots have got to be super pissed about the Brexit vote. Well, not pissed, because in the U.K. pissed means drunk. Well, actually, the Scots probably are pissed and really mad too. B.T. dubs, Conor MacGregor is Scottish. Imagine a whole country full of people like him:

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That’s Scotland. Sometime recently Scotland was voting on whether or not to still be part of the United Kingdom, which is England, Wales, Scotland, and Northern Ireland. They voted to stay in and for the Brexit vote, everyone in Scotland also voted to stay in the European Union, but you know who had more numbers on their side? The old people in England.

England is a super old country. They love their oldness. They love that every building in England is at least a thousand years old. You know what else in England is a thousand years old? Queen Elizabeth. If I’m Prince Chuck, I’ve got to be kind of pissed right now, in both the British and American ways. Dude is like 70 and hasn’t gotten to be King yet. I know it’s his mum and all, but you’ve gotta think that sometimes he sneaks into her room at night and is just about to smother her with a pillow when she wakes up and he tucks that pillow under her tiny, old head and says, “I was just checking up on you mum. Sleep tight.” If she ever does pass away Charles will be so shocked that he’ll immediately die of a heart attack and never gets to be King.

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Like I said, I love a meme generator. I could probably go on forever, but 650 words is plenty. I hope both my American and U.K. friends enjoyed this. If you’re in the U.K. I’d love it if you shared this with your Brexit friends by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. I scheduled this to appear online at about 7 a.m. your time just so more of my British friends would see it. Just once I want to go viral in the U.K. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

TBT: Justin Bieber To Be My Vice-President

(04/18/15) I’m not sure who yelled GO! but about a week ago everyone who plans to run for President of the United States declared their intentions. Slackers. Those who follow me here know that I’ve been running for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, for the last ten years. Also, unlike the slacker candidates, I already know who my Vice-President will be. It is, of course, Justin Bieber. How did you not see that coming? Justin didn’t see it coming either, but I’m confident he’ll accept the nomination.

Here’s why Justin Bieber is the perfect Vice-Presidential candidate for me: This week, apparently upset that he and girlfriend Kendall Jenner (daughter of gender-transitioning Olympic gold medalist Bruce & sister of Kim Kardashian) were not allowed in to Drake’s performance at the Coachella Music Festival, so of course the Biebs threw a big enough hissy fit that he was dragged out in a chokehold by event security.

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Also this week it came out that at some point in the past Justin impregnated Miley Cyrus, who later miscarried. This may or may not be true, but it’s out there. That’s a typical week for the Biebs. Police intervention and impregnating other talented/troubled perpetually adolescent singers. That kid makes more news in a week than I’ve made in my whole life. And he’s a complete idiot. That’s why he’s the perfect Vice-President. Remember when Dick Cheney shot someone in the face? How is anything Bieber’s done worse than that?

As a Presidential candidate, no matter what I do or say, it will all look good in comparison to anything Justin Bieber does, and Bieber’s hijinks will forever keep me in the news. And seriously, talk about rockin’ the vote! How many 18 year old girls would vote for Bieber?  Here are your next leaders of the United States:

BieberWheelchairPhil

After seeing that picture I can’t imagine that ISIS won’t immediately surrender.  Have a great week! ~Phil