Tag Archives: Justin Bieber

TBT: Justin Bieber To Be My Vice-President

(04/18/15) I’m not sure who yelled GO! but about a week ago everyone who plans to run for President of the United States declared their intentions. Slackers. Those who follow me here know that I’ve been running for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, for the last ten years. Also, unlike the slacker candidates, I already know who my Vice-President will be. It is, of course, Justin Bieber. How did you not see that coming? Justin didn’t see it coming either, but I’m confident he’ll accept the nomination.

Here’s why Justin Bieber is the perfect Vice-Presidential candidate for me: This week, apparently upset that he and girlfriend Kendall Jenner (daughter of gender-transitioning Olympic gold medalist Bruce & sister of Kim Kardashian) were not allowed in to Drake’s performance at the Coachella Music Festival, so of course the Biebs threw a big enough hissy fit that he was dragged out in a chokehold by event security.

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Also this week it came out that at some point in the past Justin impregnated Miley Cyrus, who later miscarried. This may or may not be true, but it’s out there. That’s a typical week for the Biebs. Police intervention and impregnating other talented/troubled perpetually adolescent singers. That kid makes more news in a week than I’ve made in my whole life. And he’s a complete idiot. That’s why he’s the perfect Vice-President. Remember when Dick Cheney shot someone in the face? How is anything Bieber’s done worse than that?

As a Presidential candidate, no matter what I do or say, it will all look good in comparison to anything Justin Bieber does, and Bieber’s hijinks will forever keep me in the news. And seriously, talk about rockin’ the vote! How many 18 year old girls would vote for Bieber?  Here are your next leaders of the United States:

BieberWheelchairPhil

After seeing that picture I can’t imagine that ISIS won’t immediately surrender.  Have a great week! ~Phil 

2015 Pop Culture Winners and Losers: Caitlyn, Donald, The Biebs and more!

Well, as 2015 wraps up let’s take a look back at the year in pop culture:

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Caitlyn Jenner? Winner: Caitlyn Jenner, formerly known as Bruce Kardashian, left some things behind and won a trophy. Caitlyn won the Arthur Ashe Courage Award at the 2015 ESPY’s. The former Olympic gold medal winning decathlete also left his/her former gender behind and got the hell out of the Kardashian family. She should have named her brief reality show One Flew Out of the Cuckoos Nest. If escaping the Kardashian’s isn’t winning, I don’t know what is.

Speaking of winning…Four and a half years ago Charlie Sheen declared to the world that he was “Winning!” At the time he was in the midst of an untreated bi-polar manic episode, using lots of drugs and living with two porn stars. Gee Charlie, how could anything possibly go wrong with that scenario? Sadly, the underrated comedic actor revealed this year that he is HIV positive. Hopefully he’ll become a positive public advocate for several issues.

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And the winner is…Steve Harvey! About a week ago Steve Harvey accidentally crowned Miss Columbia as Miss Universe instead of Miss Who The Hell Cares because no one watches those stupid shows anymore. Amidst plentiful criticism and mockery Steve still has two other shows and signed a multi-million dollar multi-year contract to keep hosting a pageant show nobody watches. He’s definitely a winner. Miss Columbia is a winner because we all remember her. But who actually won the pageant?

Donald Trump: You know the phrase, “We’re all winners”, right? This isn’t one of those situations. Donald is winning because the ego-maniacal buffoon is getting all the attention his crazy narcissistic personality disorder desires. The American people are the losers in this one as the possibility of an incompetent, ignorant, verbally impulsive hate monger as President looms larger every day.

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Zayn Malik: He picked one direction and it was out of the most popular boy band in the world. 14 year old girls everywhere lost their minds. Of course that always happens, but this time their parents knew why. The real winners are the other guys in One Direction. Let’s face it, if you spell your name Zayn you’re an obvious asshat. I’m sure they’re better off without him. I hope whatever fast food chain he works at now spells it correctly on his name tag.

The Biebs is back! I’ve been one of the biggest Bieber bashers, (check this Google list I got when I put in “Bieber” and “The Phil Factor”) so to be fair, I give credit when it’s due. The big news is that he wasn’t arrested in 2015. Sure, Argentina has an arrest warrant out for him because his bodyguards beat up a photographer in 2013, but I don’t think he was actually arrested or accused of any significant jackassery in 2015. He filmed a cameo for Zoolander 2 and released an album that a couple people like. Winner.

Adele said Hello but I wish she’d say good bye.

At the end of the year though I feel like a winner too because of all my friends who continue to visit The Phil Factor. So, who do you think should be added to the 2015 Winners and Losers list?

Have a great Saturday!~Phil

 

TBT! It’s a Bieber World After All

(Originaly posted 7/26/14) Wow. That is one pretty girl next to wheelchair-bound Justin Bieber!  Turns out it is a Bieber world after all and we’re just living in it. If you just got a panicked feeling and shouted “What? Justin’s in a wheelchair?” then you must be a Belieber.  And why wouldn’t you be?

BieberWheelchairPhil

The Biebs again proved how awesome he is by using Disneyland’s policy of allowing those in wheelchairs to go to the front of the line of rides and attractions. He claims he “tweaked” his knee playing basketball.  So in spite of his great pain and suffering, the benevolent Bieber allowed his handlers to wheel him past families and children in hours-long lines so they could get a good look at their hero. Seriously, how many celebrities take the time to do that for their fans. I was so impressed that I decided to write a song about him.

When Bieber Jumped the Queues (sing to the tune of Janis Joplin’s Me and Bobby McGee click link for video

Busted flat in Disneyland, waiting for a train
And I’m feeling jaded and mean.
Bieber thumbed a wheelchair down just before it rained,
And rode it all the way to the front of the lane.I pulled my hair from my head and said “That took no time!”,
I was fuming soft while Bieber jumped the queues.
Biebers handlers slapping fans, I was holding Bieber’s picture in mine,
We sang every song that Bieber knew.Bieber’s just another nerd turned into a kid who drinks the booze,
Nothing he does, nothing’s funny if it ain’t Bieber, now now.
And feeling good was easy, when Bieber jumped the queues,
You know feeling good was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my Bieber, baby.
From the Canadian sticks to the California sun,
Hey, Bieber shared the secrets of my soul.
Through all kinds of weather, through everything that we done,
Hey Bieber baby kept me from acting old.
Ok, that was awful, but the main reason for this whole post was just to put that picture there. If you’re not from the States and don’t know the song, I apologize.  The phrase ‘Me and Bieber McGee’ has been stuck in my head since Thursday. What I really need is my friend Marissa Bergen, who is both brilliantly poetic and musical to take the idea and make a music video  like she did with a parody of Radiohead’s Creep. Have a great Saturday! Please don’t share this. It’s just terrible. ~Phil

Justin Bieber to Be My Vice-President

I’m not sure who yelled GO! but about a week ago everyone who plans to run for President of the United States declared their intentions. Slackers. Those who follow me here know that I’ve been running for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, for the last ten years. Also, unlike the slacker candidates, I already know who my Vice-President will be. It is, of course, Justin Bieber. How did you not see that coming? Justin didn’t see it coming either, but I’m confident he’ll accept the nomination.

Here’s why Justin Bieber is the perfect Vice-Presidential candidate for me: This week, apparently upset that he and girlfriend Kendall Jenner (daughter of gender-transitioning Olympic gold medalist Bruce & sister of Kim Kardashian) were not allowed in to Drake’s performance at the Coachella Music Festival, so of course the Biebs threw a big enough hissy fit that he was dragged out in a chokehold by event security.

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Also this week it came out that at some point in the past Justin impregnated Miley Cyrus, who later miscarried. This may or may not be true, but it’s out there. That’s a typical week for the Biebs. Police intervention and impregnating other talented/troubled perpetually adolescent singers. That kid makes more news in a week than I’ve made in my whole life. And he’s a complete idiot. That’s why he’s the perfect Vice-President. Remember when Dick Cheney shot someone in the face? How is anything Bieber’s done worse than that?

As a Presidential candidate, no matter what I do or say, it will all look good in comparison to anything Justin Bieber does, and Bieber’s hijinks will forever keep me in the news. And seriously, talk about rockin’ the vote! How many 18 year old girls would vote for Bieber?  Here are your next leaders of the United States:

BieberWheelchairPhil

After seeing that picture I can’t imagine that ISIS won’t immediately surrender. Ok, to be honest, my brain has kind of checked out. By the time you read this I’m probably on a plane to somewhere warm and sunny for work. I can’t promise how much I may or may not blog over the next week.  Have a great week! ~Phil 

#PHIL2020

 

Throwback Thursday! The Man Who Would Be Bieber

This is one of the worst stories I have ever reported on The Phil Factor. Proceed at your own risk.

(03/22/14) First off, I have to apologize to my readers for having missed this story last fall. Secondly, I have to apologize for including it on my blog at all.

SheldonBieber

No, despite my obvious boyish charm I do not strive to be Bieber-like. Thirty-three year old German-born songwriter Toby Sheldon, pictured on the left above and now living in the United States, does. He has spent roughly $100,000 on plastic surgery to look as much like the Biebs as possible. It’s not just him though. If you Google you’ll find dozens of pictures of people that have had plastic surgery to look like their favorite stars. Then you’ll find dozens of pictures of their favorite stars who have had plastic surgery to try to reclaim the beauty of their youth.  That’s what Toby Sheldon claims as his motivation; the pursuit of a youthful look.

Maybe I should I have titled this The Pursuit of Youthfulness or Youth is Wasted on the Young. If I had though I’d get half as many views. The Bieber may be a colossal asshat, but his name pulls readers to my blog like nobody’s business. Bieber may be the dumbest rich person in the world, but he does have a youthful look. Hey Toby Sheldon, guess what? It’s because he is young, you moron. You’re in your 30’s. I can’t blame Toby too much though. I may not want to look like the Biebs, but I wouldn’t mind looking younger. Like most men, I have the Peter Pan Complex, which is every man’s desire to be portrayed on Broadway by Sandy Duncan.

Peter Pan2

It used to be that men’s Peter Pan Complex was the result of incongruity between our minds and our bodies. As women will attest, men stop maturing when they’re about seventeen years old. We look in the mirror with our seventeen your old brains and see a forty year old with gray or no hair, crows feet and no discernible abs to speak of. The cognitive dissonance is jarring. Now, our Peter Pan Complex is media driven.

You can’t turn around without seeing a magazine cover or commercial with some shirtless twenty-five year old actor or athlete who only has 2% body fat and a 28″ waist. When I was younger there was no pressure for men to look perfect. When I was a kid the professional athletes and actors were completely out of shape. They smoked and drank and had beer guts and still got the girl. There was no standard to live up to. Now our wives are all ogling these statuesque dudes on TV that we can never look like because we actually have full time jobs that don’t involve working out. Then on top of everything else, you’ve got Vladimir Putin posting shirtless pictures everywhere. He runs a frickin’ country (maybe two now) and he’s out hunting shirtless! I can’t compete with that.

Putin

It is so unfair and unrealistic how men are portrayed by the media. You women just don’t understand what we’re going through.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by the Facebook, Twitter, or Re-blog button below. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Picture credits: vnews24.it, funnyordie.com

TBT: You Down with EBB? (Everything BUT Bieber)

(First posted 1/25/2014) Hey everybody, guess what? Other stuff happened in the world this week besides #JustinBieber’s arrest. No, seriously, the rest of the world kept going and did their own thing. I know, shocking, right? It’s probably also a shock to the Biebs that the world didn’t stop for him.

President Obama Endorses Marijuana?

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In what I consider a colossal lack of good judgement, President Barack Obama seemed to support the legalization of recreational marijuana. “I don’t think it is more dangerous than alcohol,” the President told The New Yorker’s David Remnick in a lengthy profile published on Sunday. President Obama went on to admit openly to his use when he was younger and said that it’s “a bad habit and a vice, not very different from the cigarettes that I smoked as a young person up through a big chunk of my adult life”.

Idiot! I’m not saying whether I agree or disagree with him. I am saying that he just undermined himself as a parent and undermined law enforcement and judges across the nation. Good luck trying to ground your daughters for smoking pot in the West Wing now.

The Stoner Bowl

super bowl

Seattle and Denver will play in the Super Bowl next Sunday. The largest cities in the two states that have legalized recreational marijuana use.  Thank God the game isn’t being played in either one of those states. Can you imagine the enormous cloud of pot smoke over that stadium? I’m pretty sure that if somebody were to measure the Dorito consumption rates by state next Sunday those two would lead the survey by a mile. In Denver I guess the legalization gives new meaning to the phrase “Mile High City.”

Facebook is for “Old” People

oldfacebook

Above the picture I put the word ‘old’ in quotes to make it seem like the old part is being exaggerated by all these news articles saying that kids are leaving Facebook because it’s too full of their parents and their parents friends and relatives.  Of course the kids are leaving Facebook! Every parent I know of demands that their kid “friend” them on Facebook or let them have their password so they can spy on them. Guess what adults who don’t want the NSA reading your texts and e-mails? Yup, you’ve become the NSA to your kids. Jeez! If anyone was that intrusive into any part of our lives we would hide from them too. If you’ve got Facebook stock I recommend selling immediately because the next generation is going to grow up not using Facebook much. Where are the kids going?  Well, don’t tell them I told you, but I’ve been doing some spying and the cool kids are hanging out on Tumblr, Twitter, and Instagram. Instagram is starting to get a lot of “old” people creeping in there too, so the kids are probably moving on. BTW, if you’re the parent of a teenager, they’re using Snapchat to send naked pictures to each other, so get that app off their phone, although I’m sure Barack Obama would say it’s ok.

In the links in the previous paragraph please click on the NSA. It’s really their site and I’m sure they love when I link my blog to it. Also, the Twitter link takes you to my Twitter, so feel free to follow me. If you’re not familiar with Snapchat, the link is to an article about it.

As always, you know that sharing is caring, so if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or other social media button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! The Power of the Bieber: My Thank You to Justin

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(First posted 12/10/13) Oh, but Justin my friend, they did like it. They liked it very much. Justin Bieber has been good for my blog. There. I said it and I’m not ashamed. Justin Bieber has brought readers to my blog every day for 2 months now. It’s even possible that some of those readers looked at my books in the right sidebar and decided to buy and read one. I owe Justin Bieber a debt of gratitude for that I suppose.

On October 5th of this year I wrote a post, The Angry Biebers,  about Justin Bieber having his bodyguards carry him up the Great Wall of China. On WordPress we’re able to view statistics about where our readers come from, what links referred them to our blogs and what they read. Since Oct. 10th not a single day has passed without at least one person reading The Angry Biebers. That my friends is the power of the Bieber. For that #JustinBieber I must say thank you.

Through this incredible Justin Bieber experience I realized that powerful, famous guys like me and Justin have to look out for each other. He has my back, so I’m going to have his. For all the Justin Bieber fans who have accidentally found my site through some internet search for him, here is the link to his official website. There it is. Forever Justin Bieber and I are now linked. Hopefully he does me a solid and puts a link to The Phil Factor on his site.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share by any social media button below. You know Justin would.