Facebook Just Might Save Your Life!



In all likelihood, my blog is more likely to save your life, but this week a study was released implying that moderate use of Facebook leads to a longer life. That’s hard to believe, because seeing posts that say, “Only my real friends will copy and paste this into their status…” makes me want to shorten the life span of so many, many people. Oddly, I went to WebMD and it says that Facebook causes cancer. Of course WebMD says everything causes cancer. I know I have a lot of blog friends and followers in the UK. I wonder if there are cancers specific to different countries? For instance, might my UK friends be more prone to Tea & Crumpet cancer? I hope not. I’d better go check Facebook to see what it has to say on the matter.


It seems that, according to the study, those that receive the most Facebook friend invites are social media whores more likely to have a lower mortality rate than those with fewer. How can they possibly know that? Because their account is active longer? Maybe it’s active longer because they died already without deleting their account. Maybe the people with fewer invites are actually out Facebooking in person, outside of the house, with real people. Hey, I think that’s a thing I’m going to start. Facebooking in person. When I leave the house from now on I’ll say, “See you later. I’m going to go Facebook in person with…”


Listen Mark Zuckerberg, just slow your roll. You and your website aren’t the panacea for everything. The study was nice, but guess what? Give somebody about 6 months and they’ll find a way to identify a Facebook cancer. Also, the kids and millenials aren’t using Facebook because us “old people” (meaning anyone over 30) have ruined it. In about ten years when all the old Facebook users die off, there will be a whole generation that grew up on Snapchat, Kik, and Twitter and they won’t be using or investing in Facebook. Did I just say “millenials” back there? Ugh. I’m an awful person. Also, if I said that, I’m an old person, apparently. That is the most overused word in the world and it’s idiotic. You know who never uses the word millenials? Millenials.

The bottom line is that social interaction of any type, with millenials or anyone else, online or in person leads to a longer life, so if you want a longer life you should comment on this post and then to be ironic, and because your life just might depend on it, share it to Facebook using the share button below. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

11 responses to “Facebook Just Might Save Your Life!

  1. Haha, nice try! Nice post too though. I’ve only ever heard/thought bad things about facebook; pretty much at least, I mean, I do use it. But trying to publicly vocalize something so appraising as “It might cure cancer” well, that’s a bold statement. And, as is evident in your delivery, even the most articulate of writers will struggle to do this.
    I think it’s a good idea (facebook), but I just look forward to the lesser used forms of social media becoming MAINstream. Not many of us seem to like facebook, but we have to use it to connect because everyone else does!

  2. Haha what can I say, I’m a millenial (20) and I’ve just gotten facebook in order to be pro-active as a trainer at my kickboxing gym. Funnily enough, recently I did wander (sarcastically I might add ) aloud to a friend of mine : ” How do you know if someone’s died ?” – She said, : “I checked her facebook and she was posting regularly.”

    What’s the threshold to start grieving when they actually off the earth or are just too cool to update their status anymore?

  3. If reading your blog brought longevity
    I would be sure to have found the key.

  4. I think it just seems like you’re living longer because of the pain.

  5. Good stuff! ahhaha! I would share to facebook but Im not a user…im sure just commenting here will add years to my life so Im good! 🙂

  6. I wrote an exactly opposite article, yours is good by the way.
    here is the link if you wanna check out Phil

  7. If I comment and don’t live any longer than I would have otherwise I’m suing you. Expect a law suit in around 45yrs time (I’m being optimistic)… 😉

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