Tag Archives: social media humor

Facebook People vs. Twitter People

I’m convinced that there are two types of people in this world, Facebook people and Twitter people. The two mediums of communication speak to people’s personality types.

On both “microblogging” sites you can share pictures, but it is certainly done more frequently on Facebook. Different people use each site as their way to interact socially with the world. On Facebook you can write lengthy posts while on Twitter you’re limited to 140 or, coming soon, 280 characters.

A word of advice for all you Facebookers who write posts so long that there has to be a “Preview” pane that ends with More… , if I have to turn the page to read the rest of your thoughts, I’m probably not going to. You know what it’s called when you write that much? It’s called blogging. Get a blog. Facebook is considered a microblogging site. If you write six paragraphs you’ve taken the micro out of it. And for the love of all that is holy, if you want us to read on you’ve got to make those first two or three sentences we see pretty damn snappy. It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that all those words can’t compete with the next post of Aunt Tilda’s kitten wearing a tiny hat.

That brings me to the length of Facebook and Twitter posts. If you prefer Facebook or blogging, you might be an oversharer. We accepted your friend request, so you know we like you. But just because you can share things about yourself doesn’t mean that you should. I think this next picture speaks to that quite well:

On Twitter, when we’re limited in what we say, people seem to gravitate towards finding their tribe of like thinkers. I follow sports people and funny people. For me, there is an elegance in Twitter that Facebook lacks. With a limit on characters, you’re challenged to communicate efficiently. It’s impressive how brilliant some are at communicating complex ideas or feelings in 140 characters.

Right now Twitter is beta testing, allowing some users to use 280 characters. For cripes sakes I hope Donald Trump isn’t one of them.

On Facebook you typically interact with family and friends from the “real world” in a comfortable fashion, often talking as you would in “normal” conversation. On Twitter you tend to have a much larger following of people who don’t know you IRL (in real life). Often on Twitter people take on anonymous identities with catchy names and mysterious avatars. That fact makes some Twitter people more brave than they would be on Facebook. Some are more brave about sharing personal info and others are more brazen in their opinions and interactions. Twitter is like a nightclub where under the guise of a fake identity you interact with strangers.

One medium is no better than the other. Each speaks to certain personality types. I wonder if future psychological diagnostic manuals will include the personality types of Facebook people and Twitter people. Or, in the future will people who walk around talking to people in person be considered the oddballs? Which type are you, Facebook or Twitter, and why?

Speaking of oddballs, why don’t you follow me on Facebook and Twitter!

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

 

Name Ten Bands … The Meme That Ate Facebook

No. No, I am not going to name ten bands that I’ve seen and one of them is a lie! And I don’t have time to read and guess yours either. And guess what? I. DON’T. CARE.  (Panic at the Disco) And if you list your ten bands in my comments, I may have to ban you from #ThePhilFactor.

The fact that this meme has taken over Facebook proves that Facebook is dead. After ten years or more of Facebook we have all now officially run out of things to talk about. (Weezer) This is like a party or meeting ice breaker for people who don’t know how to relate to others in a natural, spontaneous fashion. I was at a work dinner the other night and someone pulled that out and we did it at the table while we were face to face. It took so much time that we didn’t even have time to be snarky about other co-workers. (Green Day) That’s the real bonding between people, when you can forge an alliance against a common enemy. The enemy of my enemy is my Facebook friend.

This is it. Now that Facebook has turned this corner, it’s all downhill from here. (Twenty One Pilots) There’s now probably hundreds if not thousands or millions of stupid people that loved the “list ten bands” meme and are now thinking of new, but nauseatingly similar memes about movies, books and TV shows that they will spread to Facebook over and over for several years. (Blink 182) Instead of those boring ideas, how about we revive Facebook with some sarcasm and snarkiness. Here’s some suggestions:

Ten people you hate on Facebook, but one of them is a lie.

Ten People that I’m surprised are still alive, but one of them is a lie.

Ten teachers I kissed in high school but one of them I slept with

(All Time Low)

Ten TV moms or dads I’d do, and none of them are lies.

Ten co-workers I hate, but one of them is a lie.

Ten People that shouldn’t post beach pics of themselves. Please stop posting beach pics of yourself (The Grateful Dead)

Completely not related to this post but I thought it was funny

That’s what Facebook needs, more rabblerousers. More meanness. It needs to be more like the real world. How about that? How about honesty on Facebook? That would be new.  No more idyllic little vacation family photos! Everyone knows that vacationing with family is a giant pain in the ass. (Less than Jake) When the kids are little they’re exhausting to drag around Disney and the adults never get to do what they want and spouses snipe at each other about “you we’re supposed to remember the sunscreen” or “What do you mean you left the Fast Passes back at the hotel?” (Paramore) 

Well, that’s my little rant for this weekend. Who else is on the “let’s mean up Facebook” train with me?  If you have any funny ideas for sarcastic Facebook meme games we could play feel free to share then in the comments. (Bowling For Soup) And please feel free to share this with your Facebook friends by hitting the share button below. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Facebook, or FaceCrook?

Clever title, right? Take that Mark Zuckerberg you evil twerp. Based on that last sentence and my title I’m pretty sure that the Facebook algorithm will find a way to bury this post waaaay down people’s timelines.

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We’re all doing it. Sometimes we do it in the privacy of our own home. Sometimes we do it in our cars, sometimes we even do it at work. It takes only a few minutes if you’re good at it. We “Facebook”.

‘Facebook’ has become a verb. The grandfather, or maybe I should say Godfather of social media is ubiquitous. (I like using the word ubiquitous because it sounds smart. Not when I say it of course. I sound like an idiot, but if you use it in something you write it’s one of those smart words that make your point seem a little better. Obviously, there aren’t enough smart words to help this blog out). As smart people say, I digress. (look at me go with them there smart word thingies) My point is that Facebook is almost universal. What started out 13 years ago this month as a geeky college student’s way to meet chicks (and I say chicks with the utmost respect for all chicks) has become almost a worldwide registry of humanity. Those of us that are on it think it’s weird when we find people who are not.

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Typical conversation:

Me: Hey, can I find you on Facebook?

Other Person: No. I’m not on Facebook.

Me: Uh, what’s wrong with you? How do you talk to people?

Why am I talking about FB today? Two reasons: 1) Last night when I sat down in my recliner with a glass of wine to start writing today’s Phil Factor, I put in a Google search for “trending topics”. On one particular sites trending topics page was 9 articles about Facebook. If Facebook is the top trending topic how can I ignore it? Apparently Facebook admitted that it’s human editors suppressed articles expressing conservative views in it’s trending news feed. So of course Facebook decided to replace human editors with an algorithm to determine what news we will see on FB. Yes, people replaced by machines, again. Thank God for that. Way too many people are super annoying. I know this because I’m friends with them on Facebook.

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Some statistic somewhere says that 98.5% of people get their news from Facebook. Is it good that Facebook has a computer program deciding what news we see? Because Facebook is so universally used, their algorithm has the potential to sway public opinion. Who cares?!!? We know where to get our real, biased news if we want to. We know the liberal news shows and websites and we know the conservative news shows and websites. Get over yourselves everybody. News has been biased since the first cave painting depicting Grog taking out a woolly mammoth with a coconut. (Shocker, the mammoth actually tripped, fell and broke it’s neck. Grog is a liar. Fake news! Sad!)

After reading my last point, I guess Mark Zuckerberg isn’t really an evil twerp. He might be for other reasons, but not because his website controls the news you see. Perspective is like a telescope; you only see what you point it at. Look at a different website, like #ThePhilFactor, if you want a different view. Two paragraphs ago I said I had two reasons to talk about Facebook today. I can’t remember what the other is now. Maybe I’d better go check Facebook to see what I should be talking about.

If you all want to be ironic and vex Facebook’s algorithm you can share this to FB by hitting the share button below. Have a great Saturday!  ~Phil

Facebook Just Might Save Your Life!

 

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In all likelihood, my blog is more likely to save your life, but this week a study was released implying that moderate use of Facebook leads to a longer life. That’s hard to believe, because seeing posts that say, “Only my real friends will copy and paste this into their status…” makes me want to shorten the life span of so many, many people. Oddly, I went to WebMD and it says that Facebook causes cancer. Of course WebMD says everything causes cancer. I know I have a lot of blog friends and followers in the UK. I wonder if there are cancers specific to different countries? For instance, might my UK friends be more prone to Tea & Crumpet cancer? I hope not. I’d better go check Facebook to see what it has to say on the matter.

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It seems that, according to the study, those that receive the most Facebook friend invites are social media whores more likely to have a lower mortality rate than those with fewer. How can they possibly know that? Because their account is active longer? Maybe it’s active longer because they died already without deleting their account. Maybe the people with fewer invites are actually out Facebooking in person, outside of the house, with real people. Hey, I think that’s a thing I’m going to start. Facebooking in person. When I leave the house from now on I’ll say, “See you later. I’m going to go Facebook in person with…”

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Listen Mark Zuckerberg, just slow your roll. You and your website aren’t the panacea for everything. The study was nice, but guess what? Give somebody about 6 months and they’ll find a way to identify a Facebook cancer. Also, the kids and millenials aren’t using Facebook because us “old people” (meaning anyone over 30) have ruined it. In about ten years when all the old Facebook users die off, there will be a whole generation that grew up on Snapchat, Kik, and Twitter and they won’t be using or investing in Facebook. Did I just say “millenials” back there? Ugh. I’m an awful person. Also, if I said that, I’m an old person, apparently. That is the most overused word in the world and it’s idiotic. You know who never uses the word millenials? Millenials.

The bottom line is that social interaction of any type, with millenials or anyone else, online or in person leads to a longer life, so if you want a longer life you should comment on this post and then to be ironic, and because your life just might depend on it, share it to Facebook using the share button below. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

The Great Netflix and Twitter Outage of 2016

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Yesterday the unthinkable happened, if only for a brief while. Both Twitter and Netflix were down for about 90 minutes thanks to a DDoS attack. Thanks? Yes. For 90 glorious minutes the human race reached its infinite potential. Without those two time wasting sites available, productivity in the United States rose by 327%. People actually showed up to work on time and when they got there, all hyped up by their morning coffee and their anxiety about the Netflix and Twitter outage, they were actually productive. In that 90 minutes without Netflix and Twitter cancer was cured and a manned space mission was sent to Mars. I think the space mission may have been an effort by millenials to see if they could get a Netflix or Twitter signal there. Seriously though, if there ever is a manned space mission to Mars, which will take 5 years to get there, there damn well better be Netflix on that flight!

@CulturedRuffian Twitter was down so I had to leave my mom’s basement & go seek validation for my horrible opinions from strangers at the mall.5:08 PM – 21 Oct 2016

When Twitter first went down it was like The Walking Dead except with stupefied people shuffling around the streets shouting out non-sequiturs that were only  140 letters long. It was great! Imagine a world were no one could blather on and on telling you some long idiotic story from a party last night that they think is far funnier than you do.

At first when the outage occurred I was worried about rioting in the streets…

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Apparently there was no rioting because those that didn’t go to work just sat home hitting refresh over and over. Teenagers everywhere also discovered that their tweeting and texting device also has an app that lets then make actual old timey telephone calls like their grandparents did back in the day.

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Ok, enough Twitter jokes. If you’re not a Twitter person because you don’t quite get the whole format, you can read my Guide To Twitter for The Non-Twits, and if you are already on Twitter and you’re not following me, why the hell not? You can find me at @ThePhilFactor of course. Have a great Saturday and feel free to hit the Tweet button below this. ~Phil

TBT! Worshipping at the Church of The World Wide Web

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My mother was Irish-Catholic. She went to a Catholic school run by nuns and got her knuckles rapped with a ruler by the Sisters on a regular basis. Every day before classes started there was a full mass. She literally attended church seven days a week. As a kid, until I went away to college she took me to church every weekend.

Fast forward to today. Instead of church every morning, kids go to their phones every morning to see what happened in ‘their world’ overnight. My mother could quote passages from the bible. My kids can quote videos from YouTube. When my mother was a kid the Ten Commandments told you what you did wrong. Today the internet told me I wrote YouTube wrong because I didn’t capitalize the T.

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Once, somewhere on the internet, I read a meme that said, “Why don’t churches have wi-fi? Because they don’t want to compete with an invisible power that actually does something.” Aaah, very funny, but what does the invisible power that is the internet actually do? Once recently I was trying to craft a Caitlyn Jenner joke for #ThePhilFactor, not at the expense of or making fun of Caitlyn Jenner, but a joke that would get a laugh just because I worked in the current media frenzy flavor of the day. I swear it was not at all offensive, but my son immediately said, “Dad, you can’t make fun of Caitlyn Jenner.” I contend that twenty years ago any seventeen year old boy in the world would have made a crude joke or expressed some other insensitive sentiment. I believe because the internet has made everything in the world accessible and understandable my son is tolerant and understanding of not just other lifestyles than his own, but other religions as well.

On the world wide web some people worship traditional religion in new ways and some people choose to worship themselves in ways that weren’t possible two decades ago. Religions are often known for prophecies, predictions of what will happen. In 1968 artist Andy Warhol said, “In the future, everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes.” Thanks to the internet that prediction has come to pass. Andy Warhol may have been a weird artsy type, but seriously, can you think of any religious prophecy that was ever that accurate?

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The constant selfies, Facebook, Twitter, blogs, Instagram, look at me, look at me culture of the internet has created a virtual church where we all worship ourselves. On the surface most people will decry that as blatant unhealthy narcissism. Religions ask you to worship their God and ask at the same time that you be the best you that you can be. The internet doesn’t ask you to worship anything, but often people on the internet do. If a selfie is a cry for attention and someone who needs attention to feel good gets that attention, isn’t that good? In the past when anxious, sad or different people sat alone in their rooms, or as the jokes go, in their mom’s basement, they felt alone. Now they can reach out to the whole wide world from their room and get positive affirmation, confidence, and find others just like them with the same interests.

I don’t believe that the internet has replaced traditional religions. I believe that the two can co-exist. I also believe that the internet has become the church of the world, and that’s not a bad thing. Some will say that the internet gives people access to all sorts of bad influence and information. To that I say, haven’t more wars been started in the name of religion than anything else? The internet is neither good nor evil. It’s a tool and people can choose how they use it. If I have a hammer, I can choose to pound enough nails in enough boards to build a church, or I can hit someone in the head with it and kill them.

Sorry that I was all out of funny today. What started me on this line of thought was that yesterday I spent a large portion of my day making sure my family was well connected to the world wide web and it occurred to me that this weird, invisible entity that didn’t exist for most of us twenty years ago is now very important to us. If you have thoughts on the subject I’d love to hear them in the comments. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! I’m Freshly Pissed!

This was wildly popular when I published it two years ago. If you didn’t see it then, it’s new to you!

This blog is dedicated to myself and all the other erstwhile bloggers who have toiled long and hard writing interesting and engaging blog posts but have nary an official award to show for it.

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For my friends who visit me here from Facebook or TwitterFreshly Pressed is an honor awarded to people who aren’t as brilliant and funny as I am a blog post by the trolls people that ‘run’ WordPress like their own cool kids clique in high school. The honor of having your post Freshly Pressed means that it is part of a featured list on WordPress that is read by thousands and you get a Freshly Pressed badge that you can post in your sidebar for all eternity so you can lord it over the have nots, telling them  “I’m better than you”.

You know how the government has the “Do Not Fly” list? I’m pretty sure that WordPress has a “Do Not Press” list and if I wasn’t on it before I’m pretty sure I just got moved to the top of that list. Is it just me or are a lot of you sick and tired of reading blogs that begin with ‘I was on WordPress two weeks when my post was Freshly Pressed,” or “I’ve been Freshly Pressed three times.”  Well la-de da, aren’t you special?

Lest you think this is just sour grapes from an envious non-award winner, I once had a post that I shared on Reddit that got over 16,000 views in a day and spent over 24 hours ranked #1 in the Humor category. How can the Freshly Pressed overlords say something that gets that kind of reaction isn’t good enough?

I’m sure that this weekend the Freshly Pressed feed will be filled with hundreds of touching stories about great fathers.  Well la-de-da, aren’t you special? What if you never got your father’s or WordPress’s approval?  I’m creating a new award for all of us who have created  great posts that are creative, thought-provoking, funny, and original, and have never received the Freshly Pressed award that we so obviously deserve. My, nay, OUR award is the Freshly Pissed award. You can award it to yourself or another blogger who has never been Freshly Pressed but who obviously deserves it.

Just steal the picture at the top of this post and put it on your blog or send it to a fellow blogger you think deserves recognition. That’s right. I created that original, but unlike the tyrannical aristocracy of Freshly Pressed who hand out their precious awards as if they’re giving away Nobel Prizes, I want everyone to have it if they want.  (You know who else is going to be Freshly Pissed? My wife when she sees that I got permanent marker on a coffee mug making the picture)

If you can put it in your sidebar, great. I wish I knew how. If you do award yourself or others, let me know in the comments and I’ll compile the Freshly Pissed  list and post it on my blog later this week so that all of us who are Freshly Pissed can visit each other.  Keep in mind though that if you ever do win a Freshly Pressed you are out of the club. No soup for you!

If you like the idea please share by re-blogging. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil