My Christmas Form Letter To You!

8a7dc09f8a0393a08ee3616cb1de82b5

It’s that time of year again! The time for the year in review Christmas form letter. It’s always touching when our relatives treat us like customers. Typically these form letters take one of two directions. The first and most typical is the ‘What a wonderful year we had!’

“Dear ____________, 2016 was a wonderful year for my family. I started a new job six figure job, and my wife was promoted to president of her company. The kids are doing well. Johnny aced the S.A.T., didn’t miss a question! He’s now been accepted into a Ph.D program at Harvard even though he’s only 14. Susie was named Miss Junior America and will be touring the country speaking out against make up companies testing lip gloss on kittens. The picture on the front of the card is the new Bentley we got after winning the lottery.

The best course of action the next time you see these relatives is a swift, stunning punch to the forehead that will cause them to spill nog all over their tacky sweater and leave a mark on their forehead. They deserve this because either they are lying about how fantastic their life is, or if their life is that great then the bruise on their forehead will remind them that life is tough and they shouldn’t get too cocky.

awkward1

The second kind of Christmas letter is my favorite. It’s the disaster letter. These are the people who make you feel so much better about yourself and your life.

“Hello everyone, it is with a heavy heart that we wish you Season’s Greetings. Sadly our twenty-seven year old cocker spaniel passed away last week. He was delicious. Β In more upbeat news from our family it has been a year of triumphs! Little Johnny learned to poop indoors and that rash on Susie’s face cleared up. As soon as Obamacare kicks in we’ll get her lazy eye looked at. Home schooling is going well and they both are on track to graduate by the time they’re 21. We’re so proud! Once Trevor finds a job we’ll buy some train tickets and come visit! The best course of action with these relatives is to tell them you’re moving and you’ll forward them the address as soon as you get settled.

awkward-family-holiday-cards-06

I would just like to note that none of the pictures in this post are from my family. If I were to write a form Christmas letter to anyone reading this it might read:

Thank you to anyone who has read The Phil Factor even once. It’s been an amazing year for me thanks to all of you. Thank you to those who have read one of my books and those who clicked Like or shared my weekly Phil Factor as well as those that have helped by giving of their knowledge. Regardless of what religion or holiday you may or may not be celebrating this season, thank you for every little click you’ve directed at me in some way.

awkward-christmas-family-photos--large-msg-135455988475

As always, Happy Thursday, and if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below.

9 responses to “My Christmas Form Letter To You!

  1. Ha ha! What a fun post this was. Hilarious categories.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Phil, this would have been the perfect post for the face in the space (or whatever you call it) app. You in the last photo for example. Of course it would totally ruin your bid for Sexiest Man Alive 2017…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. My newsletter would be all, “Go read my blog, Nosy!”
    I looooove the photos — the last one is stunning in its awkwardness, just stunning. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Epic photos!! And I am a product of letters like these in my childhood from an Aunt who designated herself the “family cryer”. She would call us to get all the latest scoop, then write up these letters and send them to the whole and extended family. My sis and I used to have a hoot making up some ribald tales for her to add. Needless to say…I was the family odd duck. But…I liked it that way and still do! πŸ˜›

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Super letters. Yours was the best.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s