Tag Archives: Christmas humor

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons To Love The Holidays!

In an effort to offset my Grinchiness from last weeks ‘Top Ten Reasons To Hate The Holidays” I present you with the opposite.

forums.hexus.net

forums.hexus.net

10. Ridiculous Holiday Light Displays: That’s not my house but I wish it was. I love people that take the decorating and lights waaaay too far. I wish we could do it all year long. If there’s a neighborhood that decorates all year long, let me know. I’ll move there.

9. Getting presents: Well duh! Free stuff that we didn’t know we needed or wanted? Yes please! Notice that the presents are only 9th on my list? That’s because I’m not superficial and materialistic.

wpid-img_20141208_191336.jpg8. Nutcrackers: I buy my nuts pre-cracked but I love these guys anyway for no good reason.  As much as I love them I’d also love Stephen King, or maybe me, to write a Christmas horror story where nutcrackers come to life and terrorize people like Chuckie. Imagine how creepy they’s be if you added sharp teeth! (Yes, that herd of nutcrackers is at my house staring at me right now)

7. Holiday Movies: Stay tunes for my list of the ten best holiday movies next Tuesday.

6. Time off from work: Let’s be honest, how many of us love our job so much that we’d do it even if we didn’t get paid? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m taking the week off between Christmas and New Years. Don’t worry, I’ll still keep blogging because I’d do that even if they didn’t pay me.

GrinchCindyPic5. Holiday Specials: Scroll back to Dec 1st for my top ten holiday specials. The Grinch is a total badass but he’s not number 1 on that list.

4. Awkward Family Holiday PhotosI don’t care if they’re real or fake, they’re funny. I hope someday to create my own that becomes a meme on the internet.

3. Sometimes jerks try a little harder not to be: Including me. I don’t think I’m a jerk, but it’s nice that me and most other people try a little harder to be cordial, except at the mall.

2. My holiday tie collection: Yes, this is one you should love too. This year I own enough holiday themed ties that I can wear a different one every work day from Thanksgiving until Christmas. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you’ve probably seen them.

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Red GiftNumber 1 is left blank for you. What is it that you love about the holidays above all else? Put in the comments what you love most about Hanukkah or Christmas. Have a great Tuesday!~Phil

TBT! The Elf From Hell

This isn’t really a throwback because it’s timely and relevant every year and I intend to keep posting it until all the demented parents stop waging psychological warfare on their young children.

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(12/22/2012) Most of you are familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right?  In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischievous minions of the red suited overlord who spy on the every move of children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 15 years ago as a new, and for some toy making company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for my kids I wasn’t aware of The Elf on the Shelf when they were young enough to believe in it.

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Parents put these little Elves on a shelf and the children are told that the Elf cannot be touched or it will lose it’s Christmas  magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, “What a bunch of maroons!” The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning.

Of course this crazy little ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They’re terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on my shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night? I would never go to sleep again. The kids have got to be too terrified or too tired to misbehave. No wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

I have a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining that this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile is moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife? What if in some home where they’re torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives?

This tradition sounds like psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder?

dannyoulittlerock.com

dannyoulittlerock.com

Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear somewhere this holiday season you could give my book, Time To Lie,  available in paperback, e-book, and Audible. Give the gift of reading this holiday season and have a great Thursday! ~Phil

The Burden of a Christmas Birthday

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“This is your birthday? I bet your birthday gets forgotten a lot.”  Over the course of my life I’ve probably heard that question more often than I’ve heard, “What’s your name?’ There’s a lot of famous birthdays this week. Sir Isaac Newton, Jesus, Jimmy Buffett, and me. The other guys had the good luck of having their birthdays on Christmas. Me? Nope. I missed it by two days. My birthday is today.

The others guys, who may have had their birthdays frequently forgotten in lieu of the Christmas holiday, seem to have overcompensated as adults for the birthday attention they missed out on as kids. Now they’re getting all the attention they could ever want, except Ike Newton. We’re kind of over the whole gravity thing by now.

Poor Jesus, his birthday was always on Christmas. I wonder how Jesus’s birthday went when he was a kid…

Jesus: “Mom, Dad, can we go to Chaim E. Cheese for my birthday?”

Joseph: “Sorry son, we can’t. Not since you pulled that “walking on top of the ball pit” stunt. Now everyone knows who you are. We have to go to church. Thanks a lot.” 

Mary: Joseph, don’t be sarcastic. Jesus, go get ready. Take a bath. And take a real bath this time. No walking around on top!

Jesus: “Aww…man! Why do we always have to go to church on my birthday? We’re Jewish. Shouldn’t we just be lighting candles or playing dreidel?” A petulant Jesus then stomps off to his room. Sits quietly and makes a Ho-Ho multiply until he can build his own birthday cake. Pets his dog and accidentally cures it’s leprosy.

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Unlike, Jesus, Ike Newton or Jimmy Buffett, I missed out on having my birthday overlooked and as a result, I grew up without the attention seeking drive to achieve greatness. Instead of having a Pulitzer Prize and twenty best sellers that I’ve sold the movie rights to, I’ve got a few amusing short novels and this blog. I may not have achieved greatness yet, but some days when I get a few laughs and comments on my blog, you guys make feel like I have. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Have a great Friday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! The Gift That Keeps on Giving

It’s the holidays! Time to agonize over whether or not you got your loved one the perfect gift. Guys, if you’re in a relationship, the right or wrong gift could make or break everything. No pressure. With that in mind, as a public service I’m re-running this classic Phil Factor from 2012. (If you want to read more classics, pick up my book Fifty Shades of Phil, available for only 99 cents as an e-book)

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Well? How did you do? Did you get the right gift for your loved one for Christmas or Hannukah? Or did you cause irreparable damage to the relationship? Most holiday gifting comes with the same angst of “Did I pick the right gift? Did my gift say too much? Or too little?” When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law.

The law will state that the correct gift is always…drumroll please…the gift card. I am in love with gift cards. I love them so much that for Christmas I want to buy a gift cards for gift cards to show them how much I love them. I would sleep with gift cards on the first date. In the checkout line it’s all I can do to restrain myself from buying gift cards for myself. I know I could buy the same stuff for myself with actual money, but isn’t having a gift card so much better? It feels like you’re getting stuff for free, even if you paid for the gift card.

Bought-a-gift-card..

I was in a large, big box hardware/lumber store last week and I came across the biggest gift card kiosk/endcap I have ever seen. As I rounded the end of the aisle and my eyes gazed upon the 8th Wonder of the World a great and pure light shone down from above and I heard a chorus of heavenly angels. It might have been a circular saw, but with that Mount Rushmore of gift cards in my sights it sure sounded like angels. It was so big that I’d need to summon an apron wearing lackey to get a ladder if I wanted a gift card from the top row. If that wall of gift cards was a chocolate river then you can call me Augustus Gloop.

I mean seriously, how can you go wrong with gift cards? If you know someone likes something and you buy them a gift card for it, they get exactly what they want. Or who doesn’t like going to a restaurant for free? “What is this?!!? A bill for my meal! Pishaw! Take that filthy thing away for I have a gift card!”  That is literally what’s going on in my head when I get to use a restaurant gift card. If I could put on a fur-lined red velvet robe and crown while I bellowed that to a waitress I think I could die a happy man.

To the detractors who would say, “Well giving a gift card shows that you didn’t put any thought into it.” Really? Even if you got a gift card for their favorite store? Yeah, your idea of buying clothes that are the wrong size is always so much more thoughtful. I love returning things or wearing some ill-fitting, hideous garment just so you can feel good about yourself for choosing such a “thoughtful gift.”

You know what? They even have gift cards for an amount of money. At first I didn’t understand this, thinking it was somewhat redundant, but now I understand the genius. A gift card for money is also thoughtful. You can use it like a credit card. It won’t bulk up your wallet or cause you to have to do any tedious counting of paper money. A gift card for money won’t cause you to receive 98 cents in change that you will then throw into your pocket, a jar or car cup holder never to be used. With a gift card the change stays right on it for you to use next time. The best thing about gift cards for money is that you can use them to buy other gift cards!

You know who has a great gift cards? Amazon and Barnes & Noble. They also have my books. I’m just sayin’. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

My Christmas Form Letter To You!

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It’s that time of year again! The time for the year in review Christmas form letter. It’s always touching when our relatives treat us like customers. Typically these form letters take one of two directions. The first and most typical is the ‘What a wonderful year we had!’

“Dear ____________, 2016 was a wonderful year for my family. I started a new job six figure job, and my wife was promoted to president of her company. The kids are doing well. Johnny aced the S.A.T., didn’t miss a question! He’s now been accepted into a Ph.D program at Harvard even though he’s only 14. Susie was named Miss Junior America and will be touring the country speaking out against make up companies testing lip gloss on kittens. The picture on the front of the card is the new Bentley we got after winning the lottery.

The best course of action the next time you see these relatives is a swift, stunning punch to the forehead that will cause them to spill nog all over their tacky sweater and leave a mark on their forehead. They deserve this because either they are lying about how fantastic their life is, or if their life is that great then the bruise on their forehead will remind them that life is tough and they shouldn’t get too cocky.

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The second kind of Christmas letter is my favorite. It’s the disaster letter. These are the people who make you feel so much better about yourself and your life.

“Hello everyone, it is with a heavy heart that we wish you Season’s Greetings. Sadly our twenty-seven year old cocker spaniel passed away last week. He was delicious.  In more upbeat news from our family it has been a year of triumphs! Little Johnny learned to poop indoors and that rash on Susie’s face cleared up. As soon as Obamacare kicks in we’ll get her lazy eye looked at. Home schooling is going well and they both are on track to graduate by the time they’re 21. We’re so proud! Once Trevor finds a job we’ll buy some train tickets and come visit! The best course of action with these relatives is to tell them you’re moving and you’ll forward them the address as soon as you get settled.

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I would just like to note that none of the pictures in this post are from my family. If I were to write a form Christmas letter to anyone reading this it might read:

Thank you to anyone who has read The Phil Factor even once. It’s been an amazing year for me thanks to all of you. Thank you to those who have read one of my books and those who clicked Like or shared my weekly Phil Factor as well as those that have helped by giving of their knowledge. Regardless of what religion or holiday you may or may not be celebrating this season, thank you for every little click you’ve directed at me in some way.

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As always, Happy Thursday, and if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below.