TBT! Canada: Elaborate Winter Theme Park or Dangerous Adversary?

I am, at this very moment, in Canada, so for Throwback Thursday I thought I’d pull out this classic Phil Factor from October 2014.

(10/18/2014) You know how people talk about the elephant in the room when they’re referring to something that’s obvious but everyone is pretending to ignore? Canada is the elephant in North America. It’s there but we don’t really pay it much attention, unless Rob Ford goes nuts or…umm…or…uhh..well, I guess there isn’t anything else that makes us notice Canada. I’m also not sure that Rob Ford isn’t a theme park character anyway. (Rob, if you’re reading this, get well. I’m rooting for you)

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Canada has been a particularly big elephant to ignore in my life because I’ve never lived more than a 2 1/2 hour drive from their border. I live in New York, but I’m closer to Toronto than I am to New York City. That being the case I’ve always had a good view of Canada but from a safe distance. Sometimes I throw things at it. All those sunset pictures you’ve seen on my blog? That’s Canada on the other side of that lake looming ominously, maybe even leering at me.

Just like going to Disney, as soon as you cross the border into Canada you know you’re somewhere “different.” It’s kind of like where you just were but things are slightly off. As soon as you cross the border into Canada it’s snowing. It could be the middle of July and the entire country is blanketed in snow. I’m not even sure it’s real snow. I think they just produce the fake stuff for the tourists. But is there an even more sinister reason they’re trying to “snow” us?



They also seem to be using that newfangled metric system that everyone was so jazzed up about years ago. Basically that means that all their numbers are in a different language the same way the Smurfs had their own weird little language. I have no idea how to tell time in metric either.

Speaking of different languages, the province of Quebec speaks French! I don’t think that’s an accident either. I think that Quebec is the secret headquarters of Canada. They speak French because they know that all the Americans are too lazy to learn it. They speak French right out in the open, in front of Americans! Arrogant bastards. Since we can’t understand them, they’re free to talk about their secret plan to invade America.

If it were any other country, that type of subterfuge would be worrisome, but we’ve seen their “army” so we’re not too concerned.



Another oddity that most people don’t know is that their primary export is not maple syrup or Tim Horton’s coffee, it’s comedians. Seth Rogen, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, John Candy, Alan Thicke, Michael J. Fox, Howie Mandel, Martin Short and Justin Bieber are just a few of the thousands of comedians and comedic actors and actresses that have been sent across the border to infiltrate and warp the American culture. Seriously, if Justin Bieber isn’t evidence that the Canadians are trying to destroy America then I don’t know what is.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor and want to alert everyone to the looming Canadian threat then please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Canada is no laughing matter. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

11 responses to “TBT! Canada: Elaborate Winter Theme Park or Dangerous Adversary?

  1. Merde! We have been exposed! As punishment for your treachery you must keep Justin Bieber!

  2. Hahaha! Quebec DOES think they are the headquarters of Canada! And why wouldn’t you be very afraid of the Beavers? Those cute little bastards will chew your face off without warning! You’ve been warned, Phil! This post made me laugh so hard because IT’S ALL TRUE!!! We are a special breed up here and we make counting so much harder than it ever needed to be. But no matter who you are, we will happily sit down, drink a Molson Canadian and shoot the shit with you! 🍺Welcome, and I hope you are enjoying your trip!!

    • Thank you so much for your comment. You literally just made my day. And I have thoroughly enjoyed my week here in Canada. I love Toronto. And it’s all true what they say about Canadians being nice. And I think you’re the nicest one of all of them.

      • So glad to hear you are having a great time in Toronto, and that they are being nice. I would be very upset if they made the rest of us look bad! And I am enjoying the view from the top of your favourite Canadian list – thanks for placing me there, it means a lot! 😊

      • No more blog posts from you? The last one I see is from April 8th, the plane crash dream. Am I missing some or haven’t you written more? I ask because I had a friend whose blog only showed one old post even though she had written others. It was a weird issue with my phone app.

      • Oh boy. It’s me. Not you. Life has been crazy, and so much so I didn’t even notice 3 weeks had passed!! What in the hell happened? I need to get my poop in a serious group and write something new. Thanks for being interested enough in my blog to check, and then ask me about it. I can’t help it, but right now I feel super special. You are the best, Phil!! 😊

  3. Glad you are having a good time eh? Toronto is the best place.

  4. It was funny the first time, it’s still very funny 😀

    I’m glad to hear that Toronto is treating you well!

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