The Great Nutella War of 2018

If you’re goin’ through hell keep on going
Don’t slow down if you’re scared don’t show it
You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there ~Rodney Atkins

I  haven’t been to hell, but I’ve been to France once, for just eight hours. It was Paris. I can’t really elaborate more. We were given a job to do, we did it and got out before they knew we had been there.

It’s a good thing I got out in time. I’m not saying that I went to France to smuggle Nutella out of the country, but I’m not saying I didn’t either. Like I said, it was good that I got out because on Friday a French supermarket chain, Intermarche, put Nutella on sale. Awesome, right? Who doesn’t love Nutella? Apparently, those of us who think we love Nutella don’t love Nutella the way the French love Nutella. They love it so much that it hurts. Their love of Nutella doesn’t hurt themselves, but occasionally, if it’s on sale, their love of Nutella hurts other people.  (See how all the Nutella’s are hyperlinked? Each one is linked to the Nutella website for a different country)

Apparently the French went full on Black Friday over a Nutella sale. Police had to break up fights in one supermarket. One customer had a black eye, one woman had her hair pulled, another was hit in the head with a box and another customer had a bloody hand. And it wasn’t just one supermarket. This occurred all over the country.

France, which is infamously not good at fighting wars, seems to have found their passion. If I need to hire a team of mercenaries to fight terrorists, I’m hiring a bunch of French people and telling them that the terrorists have all the Nutella.

Here’s a new ad slogan: Nutella! Because you can’t punch someone without just cause!

Here is my list of things for which I would go ‘French Nutella beserker’ for:

Cheez-ItsThis is my drug of choice. If at some time it’s discovered that the chemical responsible for Cheez-Its orange color is poisonous and they’re being taken off store shelves, I drop what I’m doing, empty my bank account and immediately drive the nearest store to buy all the Cheez-Its.”Cheez-Its! The official snack cracker of The Phil Factor!” I like the sound of that. Cheez-It people get at me.

Girl Scout cookiesThese sweet treats are incredibly satisfying and because they’re sweet they balance out the salty from my Cheez-Its. I can switch back and forth between the two for a balanced diet. As always, I’m open to sponsorship opportunities. Girl Scouts get at me! Kidding. Not the actual Girl Scouts, but maybe their cute moms. Kidding! I’m married. Just bring me the cookies. Those are more attractive to me than women at this point in my life.

So, what things do you like so much that you’d go “French Nutella berserker” about? Put yours in the comments! Have a great Sunday! ~Phil


40 responses to “The Great Nutella War of 2018

  1. I’m partial to a bit of Nutella, but have stopped buying it because I’d quite happily sit and eat a whole jar with a spoon! Same goes for Peanut Butter & Co’s “Mighty Maple” peanut butter…it’s so addictive, as is their “Chocolate Dreams” flavour which is like Snickers in a jar. All the things I’d go “nutella” over I have to refrain from buying otherwise I’d end up with an expanding waistline!

  2. i saw the nutella thing and had a good laugh, though like you, i have my things……

    flamin’ hot cheetos, cadbury carmello bars, krunchers jalopeno chips…

  3. Curly Wurly choc bars!

  4. I know it goes against society and everything that is sweet but I don’t like Nutella. I would wage war for a plate of nachos, though.

  5. Oh my, this is craziness. Nutella??

  6. I must try Nutella and see what all the fuss is about.

  7. Living only a stone’s throw from Fance and having spent a lot of time there, I am in full understanding of this Nutella inspired violence. I did my long list of food I’d go crazy for on my blog recently. Cadbury’s Creme Egg would be high up on my list. I need to try Cheez-Its, the next time I’m in the US. They sound right up my street

  8. Absolutely hysterical…..thanks for starting my birthday off with a hearty laugh !!!😊

  9. I once eyed up a massive jar of Nutella in the duty free section at an airport in Switzerland. It was glorious and I can perfectly understand why they’ve rioted…

  10. I thought this was going to be about Nutella vs. the Jif version…you, kinda like mayonnaise versus Miracle Whip.

  11. I didnt know the French had iT in them but we are talking Nutella!

  12. If I could eat dairy I’d shank someone for Nutella. They have non dairy versions like Nutella, but they are definitely not worth fighting over and it’s at Whole Foods so even if it was 70% off you would still have to sell a kidney to afford it.

  13. Not a big fan of Nutella. It’s alright not worth a black eye though. This behaviour is disgusting. The madness of Black Friday didn’t hit us as much this year thankfully in the U.K. there’s nothing I’d go mad over like this. I love chocolate and cheese but I’d never behave like this.

  14. For anything chocolate I’d be a hellion
    Not so much Nutella, but something fine and Belgium
    Those French sure know how to make a scene
    Exactly how cheap must that Nutella have been?

  15. Great! Now I’m thinking about Girl Guide cookies. Here in Canada they sell the really good ones (chocolate and vanillas cookies with crème inside) in the fall and then these minty ones (which I don’t like) in the spring. Fall is a long way off. Thanks Phil 😉
    But aside from that. If chocolate was ever band, I would start a resistance army to protect the cocoa fields. Viva la chocolate!!!

  16. I’d go “nut” ella for a good batch of fried chicken. That’s my drug food of choice!

  17. No nutella for me…I’m allergic to hazel nuts. I’d fight for Dots, though! I buy them by boxes and give them to hubby. then I don’t feel so guilty LOL

  18. Ha ha, the French just love chocolate. I wouldn’t go mad for food, Phil, but clothes and shoes; well, that is another story.

  19. Not being good at fighting wars might be a good thing… and of course we all know how bad the United States is at actually winning the things, so at least there is something positive in this Nutty story

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