It is a tradition unlike any other. The nominees are eagerly lined up on the red carpet outside my house. You can feel the tension in the air and it’s electric. TMZ reporters, like flies finding fresh garbage, are buzzing about interviewing the nominees.
If you’re new and not familiar with The Snap Judgement Oscar Awards, they are my own version of the Oscar Awards where I give out my Oscar Awards based on the same idiotic uninformed logic that we all use when we pick the movies we go to see. And as always, I’ve seen none of the Oscar nominated movies, which makes me the perfect person to pass judgement on all of Hollywood.
Everyone has filed in now and taken their seats in my very crowded living room. A few are left to stand. Woody Harrelson is drunk already and complaining about his obstructed view. “Why do I have to stand behind the lamp while Mr. Three Names, Daniel Day Lewis gets the recliner right up front He comes out of his cave once every five years to make a movie and everybody acts like he walks on water!” Security takes the glass of whiskey out of his hand. He pulls a flask out of his pocket.
Without further adieu, here are The 5th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!
Actress in a Supporting Role: The nominees are: Mary J. Blige, Allison Janney, Lesley Manville, Laurie Metcalf, and Octavia Spencer. Mary J. Blige gets consideration just because I like her name. Including the middle initial and getting everyone in the world to always say it is a bad ass move, but she started as a singer, so she’s out. Pick a lane and stick to it. I like Octavia Spencer because her first name sounds like she’s a supervillain in a Batman movie. Allison Janney was great on The West Wing and is hilarious in Mom. But, The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Supporting Actress goes to Laurie Metcalf for putting up with Rosanne Barr all those years.
Actor in a Supporting Role: The nominees are Willem DaFoe, Woody Harrelson, Richard Jenkins, Christopher Plummer, and Sam Rockwell. Willem DaFoe will never be eligible in my eyes until he spells his name right. Never heard of Richard Jenkins or Sam Rockwell. Christopher Plummer deserves one for being the oldest human ever in a movie, but I’m sure he’s gotten one before. So, the Snap Judgement Oscar Award goes to Woody Harrelson for his role in Zombieland and Cheers. (Woody immediately strips his shirt off and runs around the living room high-fiving everyone. He causes Meryl Streep to spill her drink all over Denzel Washington and he looks pissed. Woody uses the statuette to make an obscene gesture to Daniel Day Lewis.
Actress in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water. Frances McDormand, Three Billboards. Margot Robbie, I, Tonya. Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird. Meryl Streep, The Post. Ok, first off, Saoirse Ronan, you’re cute, but I’ve never heard of you. Spend a couple years on a CW show and get back to me. Meryl Streep?!!? Puh-leeze! Why does she get nominated every time she rolls out of bed? In about ten years she’ll be doing adult diaper commercials and they’ll still be trying to give her Oscars for it. She’s got a garage full of them by now. I like the idea of Sally Hawkins pretending that she’s in love with a fish-man, but The Snap Judgement Oscar Award goes to Frances McDormand because her fist name is Frances. My middle name is Francis. If you go through life with Frances or Francis in your name you deserve a fecking award.
Actor in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Timothee’ Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name. Daniel Day Lewis, Phantom Thread. Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out. Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour. Denzel Washington, Roman J. Israel Esquire. OK, first off, Timothee’ Chalamet? Really? Are you kidding me with that name? You sound like a character in Beauty and The Beast. “Security,” I bellow from the podium, “Please remove the snooty French guy. And while you’re at it, please remove Danny Lewis for being pretentious as well.” The kid goes quietly, but Daniel Day Lewis is tasered and dragged out unconscious. “And The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actor goes to, hold onto your hats folks, this is a big upset, … Jeff Goldblum for his role as The Grandmaster in Thor: Ragnarok. Lousy movie title, but Goldblum was hilarious.
Best Picture: This year, in an effort to keep more people interested, the Academy increased the number of nominees. The nominees are: Call Me By Your Name, Darkest Hour, Dunkirk, Get Out, Lady Bird, Phantom Thread, The Post, The Shape of Water, and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. Right off the bat, Three Billboards is out because it’s name is stupid. Lady Bird, Dunkirk, and The Darkest Hour are eliminated because they’re about old stuff that happened before I was born. I took history in school. I”m not going to the movies for it. Phantom Thread sounds good, but unfortunately it’s not about ghosts sewing or any kind of phantoms at all. False advertising!
We’re down to Call Me By Your Name, The Shape of Water, or Get Out. Everyone knows water has no shape, unless you freeze it, and if it was frozen the janitor lady couldn’t go in it to make out with the fish man. Call Me By Your Name? The title makes no sense. Why would anyone want that? If I don’t know what the movie is about from the title, then forget it. The title Get Out seems like a counter-intuitive way to get people in the theater, so I didn’t go. The winner of Best Picture at the 2018 Snap Judgement Oscar Awards is Star Wars: The Last Jedi because Mark Hamill returns and does a kick ass job in an incredible scene in the movie where old Luke, by himself, faces off with the Imperial Forces.
That’s it for another year. What are your choices for this years Oscar Awards?
Have a great Saturday! ~Phil