Tag Archives: Oscars humor

The 6th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

If you’re new here you may be wondering what the Snap Judgement Oscar Awards are. The Phil Factor Snap Judgement Oscar Awards, also known as The Phillies, is one of the most prestigious versions of the Oscar Awards because first of all, they are given by me, and secondly, I base my decisions on the same idiotic, half-informed logic that you use when you pick a movie to watch. I haven’t seen most of the movies and I’m basing my opinions on completely ridiculous reasons. So without further self-indulgent blathering, we’ll let the winners do that, let’s get on with the show!

Image courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

The nominees for Best Actress in a Supporting Role are: Amy Adams (Vice), Marina de Tavira (Roma), Regina King (If Beale Street Could Talk), Emma Stone ( The Favourite), and Rachel Weisz (The Favourite). As much as I love Emma Stone for her work in three Spiderman movies, both she and nominee Rachel Weisz, are ruled out because their movie apparently occurs in 1800’s era England, so basically it’s a Downton Abbey rip-off. Marina de Tavira gets credit because her name is Marina and getting through life named after a place people park their boats has got to be a tough gig. I did see Amy Adams in a movie in 2018. It was Arrival and to be honest, if aliens are coming to Earth why would they talk to Amy Adams instead of me? So, the 2019 winner of the Phillie for Best Supporting Actress goes to Regina King of If Beale Street Could Talk because I’ve never been to New Orleans and I’d like to go.

Photo courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter

The nominees for Best Actor in a Supporting Role are: Mahershala Ali for Green Book, Adam Driver for BlacKkKlansman, Sam Elliott for A Star Is Born, Richard E. Grant for Can You Ever Forgive Me, and Sam Rockwell for Vice. Mahershala, I’m sorry, but you’re out because I’ve never heard of your movie. Adam Driver, because your name broken down is “A dam driver”, and you didn’t choose to make that the official pronunciation, I have no respect for you. Sam Elliott? Puh-leeze! We’re over your mustache. Without it you’d never have gotten a role. It’s 2019, don’t you know beards are in? The winner of the 2019 Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Supporting Actor is Sam Rockwell for his portrayal of George W. Bush in Vice. He makes Republican President George Bush seem absolutely adorable in comparison to you know who.

Picture courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter

The nominees for for Best Actress are: Yalitza Aparicio for Roma, Glenn Close for The Wife, Olivia Colman for The Favourite, Lady Gaga for A Star is Born, and Melissa McCarthy for Can You Ever Forgive Me? Yalizta is immediately ruled out because they spelled the name of her movie wrong. It’s Rome with an E. Lady Gaga is out because her name sounds like something a one-year-old would say when learning to speak. Melissa McCarthy for Can You Ever Forgive Me? No Melissa we can’t. Your best work was in Gilmore Girls. The winner of the 2019 Phillie for Best Actress is Glenn Close because of the irony of her film title. In her most memorable role, Fatal Attraction,  she played a mistress and now she gets the nod as The Wife.

Picture courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter

The 2019 nominees for Best Actor are: Christian Bale for Vice, Bradley Cooper for A Star is Born, Willem DaFoe for At Eternity’s Gate, Malek for Bohemian Rhapsody, and Viggo Mortensen for Green Book. Bale is out because he was the most forgettable Batman ever. Willem DaFoe will never get the nod until he fixes his ridiculously bad first name. Rami Malek can’t win best actor because the best movie version of Bohemian Rhapsody was sung by Mike Myers in Wayne’s World. Viggo Mortenson can’t win because Viggo sounds like one of the Teletubbies. So, by process of elimination, the 2019 Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actor goes to Bradley Cooper for his work in The Hangover.

Picture courtesy of Decider.com

The nominees for the 2019 Phillie for Best Picture are: Black Panther, Bohemian Rhapsody, The Favourite, BlacKkKlansmen, Green Book, Roma, A Star Is Born, Green Book, and Vice. The Favourite?!!? It has the Canadian/English spelling of Favorite, so it’s definitely out. Vice? Can’t win because when was the last time any Vice-President was on screen for two hours? BlacKkKlansman? Nope. I won’t even put up with jokes about racism on my blog. Green Book? Yawn. Roma? Had they actually served Italian food at the movie showing this would have been a shoe-in. That brings us down to Black Panther, A Star Is Born, and Bohemian Rhapsody. Look, if I wanted to see a musical, I’d go to Broadway, so the winner of the Phillie for 2019’s Best Picture is Black Panther because I love a good superhero movie and this was also awesome in 3-D. All the other movies only had two D’s. Also, it had Martin Freeman who played Jim on the original The Office made in England.

Feel free to share to social media so you and your friends can prep for your Oscars parties. Have a great Sunday and enjoy the lame Oscars show! ~Phil

The 5th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

It is a tradition unlike any other. The nominees are eagerly lined up on the red carpet outside my house. You can feel the tension in the air and it’s electric. TMZ reporters, like flies finding fresh garbage, are buzzing about interviewing the nominees.

If you’re new and not familiar with The Snap Judgement Oscar Awards, they are my own version of the Oscar Awards where I give out my Oscar Awards based on the same idiotic uninformed logic that we all use when we pick the movies we go to see. And as always, I’ve seen none of the Oscar nominated movies, which makes me the perfect person to pass judgement on all of Hollywood.

Everyone has filed in now and taken their seats in my very crowded living room. A few are left to stand. Woody Harrelson is drunk already and complaining about his obstructed view. “Why do I have to stand behind the lamp while Mr. Three Names, Daniel Day Lewis gets the recliner right up front He comes out of his cave once every five years to make a movie and everybody acts like he walks on water!” Security takes the glass of whiskey out of his hand. He pulls a flask out of his pocket.

Without further adieu, here are The 5th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

Actress in a Supporting Role: The nominees are: Mary J. Blige, Allison Janney, Lesley Manville, Laurie Metcalf, and Octavia Spencer.  Mary J. Blige gets consideration just because I like her name. Including the middle initial and getting everyone in the world to always say it is a bad ass move, but she started as a singer, so she’s out. Pick a lane and stick to it.  I like Octavia Spencer because her first name sounds like she’s a supervillain in a Batman movie. Allison Janney was great on The West Wing and is hilarious in Mom. But, The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Supporting Actress goes to Laurie Metcalf for putting up with Rosanne Barr all those years.

Actor in a Supporting Role: The nominees are Willem DaFoe, Woody Harrelson, Richard Jenkins, Christopher Plummer, and Sam Rockwell. Willem DaFoe will never be eligible in my eyes until he spells his name right. Never heard of Richard Jenkins or Sam Rockwell. Christopher Plummer deserves one for being the oldest human ever in a movie, but I’m sure he’s gotten one before. So, the Snap Judgement Oscar Award goes to Woody Harrelson for his role in Zombieland  and Cheers. (Woody immediately strips his shirt off and runs around the living room high-fiving everyone. He causes Meryl Streep to spill her drink all over Denzel Washington and he looks pissed. Woody uses the statuette to make an obscene gesture to Daniel Day Lewis.

Actress in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water. Frances McDormand, Three Billboards. Margot Robbie, I, Tonya. Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird. Meryl Streep, The Post. Ok, first off, Saoirse Ronan, you’re cute, but I’ve never heard of you. Spend a couple years on a CW show and get back to me. Meryl Streep?!!? Puh-leeze! Why does she get nominated every time she rolls out of bed? In about ten years she’ll be doing adult diaper commercials and they’ll still be trying to give her Oscars for it. She’s got a garage full of them by now. I like the idea of Sally Hawkins pretending that she’s in love with a fish-man, but The Snap Judgement Oscar Award goes to Frances McDormand because her fist name is Frances. My middle name is Francis. If you go through life with Frances or Francis in your name you deserve a fecking award.

Film Independent/Martin McDonagh

Actor in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Timothee’ Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name. Daniel Day Lewis, Phantom Thread. Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out. Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour. Denzel Washington, Roman J. Israel Esquire. OK, first off, Timothee’ Chalamet? Really? Are you kidding me with that name? You sound like a character in Beauty and The Beast. “Security,” I bellow from the podium, “Please remove the snooty French guy. And while you’re at it, please remove Danny Lewis for being pretentious as well.” The kid goes quietly, but Daniel Day Lewis is tasered and dragged out unconscious. “And The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actor goes to, hold onto your hats folks, this is a big upset, … Jeff Goldblum for his role as The Grandmaster in Thor: Ragnarok. Lousy movie title, but Goldblum was hilarious.

Best Picture: This year, in an effort to keep more people interested, the Academy increased the number of nominees. The nominees are: Call Me By Your Name, Darkest Hour, Dunkirk, Get Out, Lady Bird, Phantom Thread, The Post, The Shape of Water, and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.  Right off the bat, Three Billboards is out because it’s name is stupid. Lady Bird, Dunkirk, and The Darkest Hour are eliminated because they’re about old stuff that happened before I was born. I took history in school. I”m not going to the movies for it. Phantom Thread sounds good, but unfortunately it’s not about ghosts sewing or any kind of phantoms at all. False advertising!

We’re down to Call Me By Your Name, The Shape of Water, or Get Out.  Everyone knows water has no shape, unless you freeze it, and if it was frozen the janitor lady couldn’t go in it to make out with the fish man. Call Me By Your Name? The title makes no sense. Why would anyone want that? If I don’t know what the movie is about from the title, then forget it. The title Get Out seems like a counter-intuitive way to get people in the theater, so I didn’t go.  The winner of Best Picture at the 2018 Snap Judgement Oscar Awards is Star Wars: The Last Jedi because Mark Hamill returns  and does a kick ass job in an incredible scene in the movie where old Luke, by himself, faces off with the Imperial Forces.

That’s it for another year. What are your choices for this years Oscar Awards?

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

The 4th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

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Tomorrow all the Hollywood types, that have yet to invite me into their exclusive club, get together in L.A. to pat themselves on the back. This is my wildly popular annual feature where I , without having seen any of the movies, suggest who should win all the major Academy Awards, otherwise known as The Oscars. Yes, I am able to let go of my grudge and any related animosity towards the Academy for never having given me an Oscar for blogging. I’ll start with the lesser categories, such as Losers  Best Supporting Actor and Actress and work my way up to Best Picture.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: The nominees are: Mahershala Ali in Moonlight, Jeff Bridges in Hell or High Water, Lucas Hedges in Manchester by The Sea, and Michael Shannon in Nocturnal Animals. Jeff Bridges and Lucas Hedges are both out because their last names are the plural of an inanimate object. Michael Shannon is out because his name is actually two first names and one of them is a girl. The winner is, drumroll please, Mahershala Ali because he might be the son or grandson of Muhammed Ali, who could probably still beat me up if I don’t choose his grandson.

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Best Actress in a Supporting Roll: The nominees are: Viola Davis in Fences,  Naomi Harris in Moonlight, Nicole Kidman in Lion, Octavia Spencer in Hidden Fences, Michelle Williams in Manchester by the Sea. My first instinct was to go with Nicole Kidman because she’s really attractive, but the fact that her hubby, Keith Urban always looks like his hair hasn’t been washed in months ruled her out. Next up was Octavia Spencer who almost won my Snap Judgement Oscar Award because Octavia sounds like a villain from a James Bond movie. I didn’t give Naomi Harris a single thought. Michelle Williams almost won because I first thought she was actress Kimberly Williams who is married to Brad Paisley. Drumroll please, the winner is Viola Davis, but in an upset, it’s not for her role in Fences but for her brilliant work as bad ass boss Amanda Waller in the Marvel comics Suicide Squad movie.

manchester

Best Actor in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Andrew Garfield in Hacksaw Ridge, Ryan Gosling in La La Land, Viggo Mortensen in Captain Fantastic, Denzel Washington in Fences, Casey Affleck in Manchester by the Sea. I didn’t see Manchester, but Casey Affleck is ruled out because of that picture above. Who wants to see a movie featuring the less bad Affleck brother moping on a beach? Ugh. No thanks. Andrew Garfield got consideration due to his previous work as Spiderman, but he’s like 40 years old playing a 20 year old in the army. I think he has grandchildren. I didn’t know Ryan Gosling even acted. I thought he was just a stupid internet meme. Denzel? Look Denny, the ladies love you, and that should be enough. In an incredible twist, my Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actor goes to Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool. Funniest movie of the year.

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Best Actress in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Isabelle Huppert in Elle, Ruth Negga in Loving, Natalie Portman in Jackie, Emma Stone in La La Land, Meryl Streep in Foster Florence Jenkins. Isabelle Huppert and Ruth Negga are both ruled out because I’ve never heard of them or their movies. No offense ladies. I’m sure you’re lovely, but if I haven’t heard of you or your movie then neither is good enough to win. Meryl Streep, sorry. You’ve already won too many awards. You’re too good an actress to win this. Natalie Portman does deserve one for her work as Princess Amidala in one of the Star Wars movies and if there’s any justice in this world she’ll return and replace Carrie Fisher in a gold bikini. That would win an award! The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actress goes to Emma Stone, not for La La Land, but for her work in two Spiderman movies and The Rocker, co-starring Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute from The Office.)

Here’s the big one…

Best Picture nominees are: Manchester by the Sea, La La Land, Arrival, Fences, Hacksaw Ridge, Hell or High Water, Hidden Figures, Lion, and Moonlight. Lion and Moonlight are out because the titles are too short and unmemorable. If they put them together and made the movie “A Lion in the Moonlight” I would go see that. Separately they just suck. Hacksaw Ridge and Hell or High Water both sound too violent. The world doesn’t need more violence right now. Manchester by the Sea? Puh-leez! Casey Affleck never even went in the Sea when he was in Manchester. The title is a lie. Hidden Figures? No thanks. I want movies about things I can see. La La Land? Nonsense titles are no good, just ask The Police (Da Doo Doo Doo..) and The Beatles (Obli de, Obli da…) . Fences? Enough with the building walls. Denzel Gorbachev Washington, “take down that wall”. The 2017 winner of The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Picture is Arrival because it stars the adorable Amy Adams who played the girlfriend of Jim Halpert for a season on The Office.

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Feel free to share on social media! Have a great weekend! ~Phil