Tag Archives: The Snap Judgement Oscar Awards

The 7th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards! (Part 1)

If you’re new here you may be wondering what the Snap Judgement Oscar Awards are. The Phil Factor Snap Judgement Oscar Awards, also known as The Phillies, is one of the most prestigious versions of the Oscar Awards because first of all, they’re given by me, and secondly, I host them in my garage. I haven’t seen most of the movies and I base my opinions on completely ridiculous reasons, the way you do when you pick movies to watch. So without further self-indulgent blathering, we’ll let the winners do that, let’s get on with the show!

The nominees have already finished their red carpet interviews in the driveway. Adam Driver and Antonio Banderas have already been caught by security, my friend Gooby, behind the garage shotgunning Pabst Blue Ribbons. Margot Robbie dropped her White Claw Hard Seltzer and made a run for it, only to sneak in through the back door and tried to hide in the back row with a baseball hat on. She’s fooling no one.

In my tuxedo t-shirt and ripped jeans I head for the house one last time before the ceremony. Tom Hanks is in the kitchen snorting coke off Kathy Bate’s’s bare stomach as she lays prone across my dining room table. My entrance startles them and Tom reaches for his gun, but relaxes when he sees it’s me.  “C’mon you two! The show’s about to start. Get in there!” I say as I grab a tray of Totino’s Pizza Rolls out of the oven and adjust the lights. (Phew! I’m glad I got the commercial sponsors out of the way early)

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

At the podium I can feel the electric excitement bubbling over in the room. It’s palpable. “Settle down you animals, it’s time to start the show! Who wants a Phillie?”

Applause, whistles and hoots wash over me like a tidal wave. It’s obvious that the assemblage of stars much prefer my laid-back awards show to the stuffy, uptight four hour fiasco that is The Oscars. As I’m about to start the awards I hear the pop of a champagne bottle and Joe Pesci stands up spraying the crowd with bubbly as he shouts, “F*ck the Oscars!” Laughter rolls through the garage and they hold up their glasses hoping to catch a few drops of Joe’s golden shower.

“Alright, let’s get this party started!” I shout into the mic. Here are our nominees for Best Supporting Actress: Laura Dern, Scarlett Johansson, Florence Pugh, Margot Robbie, and Kathy Bates! Scarlett, despite being a 2016 Snap Judgement Oscar winner you’re out, as is Laura Dern and Kathy Bates. Why? Your names are easy to spell and pronounce. Florence Pugh and Margot Robbie, however, have overcome the life long adversity of having to constantly correct people about the spelling or pronunciation of their names. And the winner is…(I improvise my own drumroll on the podium with my hands)… MarGot Robbie! And by the way, it’s Philip with one L, not two. Get it right next time Scarlett!”

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

“Moving on, let’s get to  Best Supporting Actor. This year the category has a star studded lineup of outstanding actors. Tom Hanks, Al Pacino, Brad Pitt, Joe Pesci, and Anthony Hopkins. Brad, I’m sorry, but you’re ruled out because you can’t make up your mind on Jen. What the f*ck is wrong with you? She’s America’s sweetheart for cripes sake!” Brad laughs and gives me the finger. “Tom Hanks, you’re out because I’m still waiting for the Bosom Buddies movie. Al Pacino? Puh-leeze! you lost me when you pulled the “Hoo hah!” nonsense in that movie twenty years ago. That brings us to Anthony Hopkins and Joe Pesci. The winner is…Anthony Hopkins because his real given name is Philip (with one L) Anthony Hopkins! Got to give props to Philip Hopkins. Yes, it’s true. Go look it up.”

This is always one of my longer posts, but I don’t want this to be as long as the actual Oscars ceremony. Come back tomorrow morning for Part 2 which will include Best Actor, Best Actress as well as Best Picture. Have a great Saturday! ~Philip

#Phil2020

The 5th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

It is a tradition unlike any other. The nominees are eagerly lined up on the red carpet outside my house. You can feel the tension in the air and it’s electric. TMZ reporters, like flies finding fresh garbage, are buzzing about interviewing the nominees.

If you’re new and not familiar with The Snap Judgement Oscar Awards, they are my own version of the Oscar Awards where I give out my Oscar Awards based on the same idiotic uninformed logic that we all use when we pick the movies we go to see. And as always, I’ve seen none of the Oscar nominated movies, which makes me the perfect person to pass judgement on all of Hollywood.

Everyone has filed in now and taken their seats in my very crowded living room. A few are left to stand. Woody Harrelson is drunk already and complaining about his obstructed view. “Why do I have to stand behind the lamp while Mr. Three Names, Daniel Day Lewis gets the recliner right up front He comes out of his cave once every five years to make a movie and everybody acts like he walks on water!” Security takes the glass of whiskey out of his hand. He pulls a flask out of his pocket.

Without further adieu, here are The 5th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

Actress in a Supporting Role: The nominees are: Mary J. Blige, Allison Janney, Lesley Manville, Laurie Metcalf, and Octavia Spencer.  Mary J. Blige gets consideration just because I like her name. Including the middle initial and getting everyone in the world to always say it is a bad ass move, but she started as a singer, so she’s out. Pick a lane and stick to it.  I like Octavia Spencer because her first name sounds like she’s a supervillain in a Batman movie. Allison Janney was great on The West Wing and is hilarious in Mom. But, The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Supporting Actress goes to Laurie Metcalf for putting up with Rosanne Barr all those years.

Actor in a Supporting Role: The nominees are Willem DaFoe, Woody Harrelson, Richard Jenkins, Christopher Plummer, and Sam Rockwell. Willem DaFoe will never be eligible in my eyes until he spells his name right. Never heard of Richard Jenkins or Sam Rockwell. Christopher Plummer deserves one for being the oldest human ever in a movie, but I’m sure he’s gotten one before. So, the Snap Judgement Oscar Award goes to Woody Harrelson for his role in Zombieland  and Cheers. (Woody immediately strips his shirt off and runs around the living room high-fiving everyone. He causes Meryl Streep to spill her drink all over Denzel Washington and he looks pissed. Woody uses the statuette to make an obscene gesture to Daniel Day Lewis.

Actress in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Sally Hawkins, The Shape of Water. Frances McDormand, Three Billboards. Margot Robbie, I, Tonya. Saoirse Ronan, Lady Bird. Meryl Streep, The Post. Ok, first off, Saoirse Ronan, you’re cute, but I’ve never heard of you. Spend a couple years on a CW show and get back to me. Meryl Streep?!!? Puh-leeze! Why does she get nominated every time she rolls out of bed? In about ten years she’ll be doing adult diaper commercials and they’ll still be trying to give her Oscars for it. She’s got a garage full of them by now. I like the idea of Sally Hawkins pretending that she’s in love with a fish-man, but The Snap Judgement Oscar Award goes to Frances McDormand because her fist name is Frances. My middle name is Francis. If you go through life with Frances or Francis in your name you deserve a fecking award.

Film Independent/Martin McDonagh

Actor in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Timothee’ Chalamet, Call Me by Your Name. Daniel Day Lewis, Phantom Thread. Daniel Kaluuya, Get Out. Gary Oldman, Darkest Hour. Denzel Washington, Roman J. Israel Esquire. OK, first off, Timothee’ Chalamet? Really? Are you kidding me with that name? You sound like a character in Beauty and The Beast. “Security,” I bellow from the podium, “Please remove the snooty French guy. And while you’re at it, please remove Danny Lewis for being pretentious as well.” The kid goes quietly, but Daniel Day Lewis is tasered and dragged out unconscious. “And The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actor goes to, hold onto your hats folks, this is a big upset, … Jeff Goldblum for his role as The Grandmaster in Thor: Ragnarok. Lousy movie title, but Goldblum was hilarious.

Best Picture: This year, in an effort to keep more people interested, the Academy increased the number of nominees. The nominees are: Call Me By Your Name, Darkest Hour, Dunkirk, Get Out, Lady Bird, Phantom Thread, The Post, The Shape of Water, and Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri.  Right off the bat, Three Billboards is out because it’s name is stupid. Lady Bird, Dunkirk, and The Darkest Hour are eliminated because they’re about old stuff that happened before I was born. I took history in school. I”m not going to the movies for it. Phantom Thread sounds good, but unfortunately it’s not about ghosts sewing or any kind of phantoms at all. False advertising!

We’re down to Call Me By Your Name, The Shape of Water, or Get Out.  Everyone knows water has no shape, unless you freeze it, and if it was frozen the janitor lady couldn’t go in it to make out with the fish man. Call Me By Your Name? The title makes no sense. Why would anyone want that? If I don’t know what the movie is about from the title, then forget it. The title Get Out seems like a counter-intuitive way to get people in the theater, so I didn’t go.  The winner of Best Picture at the 2018 Snap Judgement Oscar Awards is Star Wars: The Last Jedi because Mark Hamill returns  and does a kick ass job in an incredible scene in the movie where old Luke, by himself, faces off with the Imperial Forces.

That’s it for another year. What are your choices for this years Oscar Awards?

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

The 2nd Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards

Hollywoodreporter.com

Hollywoodreporter.com

This is my second annual edition of The Snap Judgement Oscar Awards where I give my Oscar Awards based on my own convoluted reasoning without having seen most of the movies. I hope it will eventually become syndicated feature that Entertainment Tonight pays me to do for their website each year and then eventually they’ll invite me into the studio on Oscar night to do a pre-Oscars Snap Judgement Oscar Awards ceremony. I considered giving all the awards to Beyonce just so Kanye wouldn’t storm my blog demanding justice. Without further doo doo, here are The 2015 Snap Judgement Oscar awards!

Best Supporting Actor: This one was easy. The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for  Best Supporting Actor goes to J.K. Simmons for his role in WhiplashI didn’t see Whiplash but Simmons is awesome in those Farmers Insurance commercials and played J. Jonah Jameson in the 2002 Spider-Man movie. When you see this guy who doesn’t think, “We are Farmers! Bum de dum dum, bum bum bum”

Picture Credit: BehindThe VoiceActor.com

Best Supporting Actress: This one was a no brainer too. I didn’t see the movie, but the Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Supporting Actress goes to Kiera Knightly for her role as Benedict Cumberbatch’s girlfriend in The Imitation Game. I heard some guy on the radio talking about how her character balanced  Benedict Cumberbatch’s character by softening and humaninzing him. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. She’s really cute and has a British accent. In my mind that makes her a brilliant actress.

People.com

People.com

Best Actress: I saw none of the movies in this category but The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actress goes to Rosamund Pike for her role in Gone Girl because she is the only nominee who has a 6 Degrees of Separation/Kevin Bacon-like connection to The Phil Factor.  Rosamund was in Gone Girl with Neil Patrick Harris who is friends with Lori Duron, author of Raising My Rainbow, who once did an interview with The Phil Factor that you can read here. The fact that she has stuck with the idiotic first name of Rosamund almost disqualified her.

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Best Actor: I was tempted to award this to Benedict Cumberbatch for The Imitation Game because I’m a huge Sherlock fan, but, c’mon Benedict! How many times are you going to play a guy with Asperger’s figuring stuff out? Michael Keaton was also a consideration for his scene in the 1988 movie Beetlejuice when he had a tiny head.  Acting with a shrunken head cannot be easy. The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actor goes to……Andrew Garfield for The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Like all guys, I’m a kid at heart and I grew up reading Spider-Man comics and eagerly anticipating the movies. Garfield pulls this role off with aplomb. He almost didn’t win this award because his hair is just a little too poofy to believably fit under a mask, but I let that slide. Also, parts of the movie were filmed in my hometown, so knowing that Andrew was here gives him the Phil Factor connection that put him over the top.

Picture Credit: SONY Pictures and MovieFanatic.com

Picture Credit: SONY Pictures and MovieFanatic.com

Drumroll please…..The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Picture goes to The Interview! Two pot smoking actors strong arm Sony into making a picture the company didn’t want to do and end up creating an international incident and the most talked about movie of the year. Sounds like a movie plot doesn’t it? How could this not win? It was also the focus of one of the most popular Phil Factor posts of 2014, my fictional interview with North Korean Dictator Kim Jon Un.

Sony Pictures and imdb.com

Sony Pictures and imdb.com

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend and enjoy the Oscars! ~ Phil