Reasons Why I Hate You on The Flight

1. You brought an unnecessary “service animal.” I get it. You’re anxious. Flying can be nerve wracking if you don’t do it a lot. If you’ve got a legit dog that can notify others if you’re having a seizure, I’m not talking to you. You’re good. If you have an emotional support animal, well that’s different. If you think that you’re anxious on a flight, imagine how your pet feels. You at least know what it is. They have no idea what’s going on and are probably terrified the whole time. Leave Fluffy home, get a xanax or two from your doc, order a glass of wine and go to sleep.

2. You need both arm rests: For some reason known only to airlines, unless you’re in first class, the seats are so close together that there are shared arm rests. Listen, I don’t care who you are, if I don’t know you, I don’t want my skin touching your skin for the next three hours. Don’t assume that both armrests are your domain. You’re not that fecking important.

3. Keep your shoes on: Hey Zen master, it’s nice that you like to make yourself at home on the plane, but keep your shoes on asshat. Bare feet are for the beach, not the 6:10 flight to Newark. You may love your foot stink in a small confined space with recycled air, but I don’t.

4. The “I can’t wait to get off the plane people.” The second the wheels touch the ground these impatient dolts spring from their seats, get their idiotically oversized bag out of the overhead compartment, hit at least two people as they get the bag to the floor, and then they stake their claim to a spot in the aisle right next to you and then stand there with their ass right next to your head for the next 15 minutes. Calm down Speedy, guess what? You’re not going anywhere until the twenty rows ahead of you get out of the plane.

That is all. Safe travels. So what people do you hate when you travel?

Have a great Sunday!~Phil

15 responses to “Reasons Why I Hate You on The Flight

  1. I hate flying. If we were meant to fly, we would have been born with wings.

  2. Yes! To all of these things!!!

  3. I suppose that means you were against that poor woman who tried to bring her support peacock on board? Geesh, where’s the humanity? 😉
    Totally with you on the arm rests and shoeless traveling. Ick.
    But I’m afraid my husband is one of those asshats who jump from their seats upon landing. Drives me crazy too, but we’re usually rushing to make a connection and he wants to beat the people with 3 kids and 200 pieces of supporting baggage.

    • I should have clarified. If you have to rush to get a connection, that’s absolutely fine. I’ve even been one of those people once or twice. But some people just jump Up and stand there often in the way of people who have a legitimate reason to get off the plane quickly

  4. Forty-five years of all of this. I hate them too. Nice job, Phil

  5. I don’t fly so I’m happy I’m missing out on all this love. I do, however, drive. I cannot stand the following: blowing of horn as soon as light changes (obviously never encountered a stray car running a light), pulling out in front of me when I’m doing 50 and you slow to 30, not using directional to change lanes and cutting me off (apparently I have a sign on the front of my car that says this is ok). I’m sure there’s more lol

  6. You read my mind. Every one of these things is something that makes me nuts!

  7. I’m one of those that are ready to get off the plane – I don’t hold anyone up though my getting bags out etc I’m just ready to go. The rest I agree with. I’d also add bringing on really smelly snacks!

  8. As for “emotional support” animals, might I suggest something in the line of bed bugs, ticks, lice, or fleas.
    Compact, easy to carry, don’t take up any space, and easy to feed—whatever you eat or drink they do too.

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