(Jan. 1, 2018) Good morning and welcome to the next year of your life. YOU did your resolutions wrong. Whether you wrote about them online, posted them on Facebook, or just said them aloud to your friends, you did it wrong. “I want to lose ten pounds,” or maybe you said, “I want to be more organized in 2018!” Perhaps you might have gone the “I’m going to learn something new!” route. Regardless, you were wrong, wrong, WRONG! Yes, that last wrong was said in frustration at you. At the whole human race in fact.
Last night I was watching one of those insipid New Year’s Eve countdown shows and they had clips of about fifteen different celebrities saying their resolutions. These were famous, talented people who have displayed their skills for the world to see. Surely people like this must have grand goals they aspire to, right? Nope. They wanted to lose the same ten pounds as you and “live more in the moment” in 2018. Ugh. Snoozefest. Zzzzzz Zzzzzzz Zzzzzzz. That was me last night dozing off because I was bored with the whole human race and their pathetically small aspirations.
What is wrong with people? Does no one aspire to greatness anymore? Does no one want to change the world, or even conquer it in some fashion? We’ve grown from a single cell organism to creatures that travel to outer space and have phones that can reach anyone anywhere on the planet at any time! Our history is filled with dreamers that wanted to achieve greatness just because they could! But this year, I didn’t hear any of them.
Guess what everybody? We only get one New Year beginning every year. Why squander it dreaming small? You know the old saying: “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll
die without oxygen in the void of space you’ll land among the stars.” If you set some mundane goal, you’ll never be excited about achieving it.
Here are my goals for 2018:
- Be chosen as Sexiest Man Alive by People Magazine. Seriously, if Blake Shelton can win it, then it’s obviously open to anyone.
- Have one of my books achieve best seller status and sell the movie or TV rights.
- Resume doing stand-up comedy. Get my own special on Netflix.
- Sit down with Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un and tell them both to grow up and act like adults. Then I will broker a peace treaty between the two countries.
- Get all my psychic predictions right and be acknowledged as the world’s greatest psychic who is consulted by world leaders. (This one may have to happen before #4.)
There. That’s how you set goals! Now get off your lazy asses, lose ten pound AND change the world! Are you with me? If you are, put one of your ‘shoot for the moon‘ goals in the comments for all the world to see.
Have a great Monday and an even better 2018! ~Phil
I want in! Is it too late to invest in that brilliant gym to bar idea? We’ll make a fortune!!!
It’s never too late. Just send me all your money and I’ll take care of the rest
go big or go home
Just think, people—this new year might be the year you die.