Gosh the Olympic athletes are just wonderfully wholesome aren’t they? Playing a sport they love just for the sake of enjoying competition. They all deserve to be on that Wheaties box that your kids see on the kitchen table.
As in past games, Olympic officials will distribute more than 100,000 condoms to the 10,500 athletes housed in the Olympic village. That’s roughly 10 condoms per athlete. If you consider that some athletes won’t need them because they’re faithfully married, have a same-sex relationship, or just monogamous with someone, that means that someone is getting a whole lot of nooky. I wonder if the Olympic athletes have some unofficial records for some of the sports they participate in when the lights go out? And don’t you imagine that if they’re getting jiggy with it, they do it with nothing but their medals on? I know that’s what I would do.
Picture credit Slate.com
When you’re watching the Tokyo Olympics and that wholesome guy or gal is stepping down from the medal podium, aren’t you going to be wondering who they’ll be medaling with later? And if they do, are there judges holding up scorecards?
Like everyone else, I’ve been watching the Olympics. The other day the announcer mentioned that swimmer Michael Phelps is 31 years old. My first thought was that 31 is super old for an Olympian and it’s time for Phelps to stop playing in the pool, grow up, and get a job like the rest of us adults.
Think about it; he’s splashing around in a pool with kids ten to fifteen years younger than him. Usually that’s creepy. What if he keeps doing that when he gets home from the Olympics?
It’s not just Michael Phelps though, what the hell do all Olympians do for a career after their Olympics are over? They’ve spent their entire life developing a very specific skill set that is useless in the real world. Sure, Michael Phelps could apply to be Aquaman, but I’m pretty sure that he can’t summon ocean creatures with telepathy, so that’s out. I guess he could be a life guard or give swim lessons at the community pool, but for an Olympian who has traveled the world, that seems too mundane. With his affinity for marijuana though, I can see him working at a pot store in Colorado. “Dude, you gotta try this! This ‘Mexican Gold ‘ is way better than Olympic gold!”
Hmm..I’ve spent my life doing gymnastics. Now what?
Yes, what do you do for a job if you’re a 4’11” (1.6 metres) full grown adult and your primary skill set is jumping around and swinging on things? Disney Princess at a theme park? They could stunt double for children in movies, but how many of those jobs are there? I’ve got it! They’d be perfect for standing next to the “You have to be this tall to ride this ride” sign.
Ok, so we’ve got Michael Phelps and the gymnasts a job, but what about other Olympians? What about the track and field athletes? What do they do? I ran track for years, but not once in adulthood has running fast been a useful skill in any job. Seriously, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt is getting up there in years. What is he going to do next?
Employer at job interview: “What did you say your name is, Insane?
Usain: No, it’s Usain.
Employer: Well Mr. Bolt, I think I may have heard of you. Your Olympic resume is impressive, but what experience do you have in computer programming?”
Usain: Well mon, Me run from here to de other side of de office and back lickety split. Want to see?
Employer: Lickety split?What the…? No, sit down. That’s not helpful. You’re going to need to wear real pants. It’s in the dress code. No short shorts. I also need you to program computers lickety split. Can you do that?
Aren’t we all sick and tired of these idiotic made up “sports” that are in the Olympics? Synchronized diving? Ice dancing? The Biathalon? Synchronized swimming? If those stupid things can be sports, so can these:
10: Eating competitions-These people are the real heroes.
9. Bowling: It will be mandatory that competitors have to drink beer and eat chicken wings throughout the competition.
8. Bowling-Eating Biathalon: Bowl a frame, then see how many wings and pints you can take in in between your turns. Well, I guess that’s just regular bowling.
7. Lawn mowing: What guy doesn’t pride himself on his ability to cut his lawn faster and better than his neighbors? All of us weekend warriors get a chance for glory. No riding mowers because we’re real athletes.
6. Wedding dancing: If ice dancing can be in the Olympics, why can’t wedding dancing? The line dance, macarena, and the chicken dance would be mandatory.
5. True amateurs: This isn’t an event, it’s an idea I just had while writing this. All Olympic competitors should be true amateurs in the sense that one day about three months before the Olympics, just like jury duty, you’d get an official letter saying that you have to participate in the Olympics and you’re event is…
4.Getting ready for work: This should be an event. We’ve all had that day where we’ve overslept and had to get ready in record time. It’s would be like an obstacle course with the bed at the starting line and a time clock to punch at the end. In between, competitors would have to brush teeth, shower, shave, iron clothes, get dressed, make a quick breakfast, feed the dog and then race 50 meters to clock in. I’m about to do this event as soon as I hit publish.
3. Outrunning a skunk: One day last year I was surprised by a skunk in my back yard. He seemed hell bent on catching me, but damn it if I didn’t display gold medal escape velocity. How fun would this be to watch? Contestants would have to navigate a maze all the while being pursued by an angry skunk.
2. Clean the house, company is coming over: We’ve all done this one right? This would be a male-female team event with two identical house sets they have to clean in record time. It ends when the doorbell is rung. Then judges come in to give a score.
1. Rap Battle: It would have to be appropriate for all audiences. No swearing or adult themes. A one on one final with a mic drop and walk straight to the podium. Of course, most rappers already have way more gold around their necks than the gold medal would provide.
Yes, you read that right. I believe that the Olympics may not be relevant any longer. I believe that without significant changes, the Olympics should not go on. Also, in addition to my perpetual candidacies for President and Sexiest Man Alive, that I should also be head of the International Olympic Committee.
Here are the reasons I think the Olympics need are no longer relevant:
Performance Enhancing Drugs: Steroids, blood doping or Human Growth Hormone are like picking your nose. Everyone in the Olympics does it but no one wants to admit it. This year they almost disqualified the entire Russian team. Recently they re-tested urine samples from the 2012 games and found a bunch more athletes that were on performance enhancers. Either let everybody use them, or get better testing.
Four regular locations: How many times do we have to hear that this city or that isn’t ready for the Olympics, or that the housing, facilities etc are substandard? Remember the smog in China, the lack of snow in Sochi, or the Zika virus in Rio? They need to pick four major cities. Two in the northern hemisphere, two southern, two on one side of the globe and two on the other. Then they rotate the Olympics through those four locations that are always up to standards. And security? I hope I’m not being pre-cognizant here, but with the rise in terror incidents, the security at an Olympics has to be a nightmare. If it’s in a regular location they can have security that’s appropriate and controllable.
Stop with the weird sports: Just put real sports in the Olympics. Rhythmic gymnastics is just gymnastics for people who are afraid of heights. Ice dancing? Please. While it may take skill, it’s not a sport. Dressage, horse jumping, is an Olympic sport? I only want to see that if it’s people jumping over horses. The trampoline is a sport? No it’s not.
The Olympics are for amateurs? It’s been decades since the Olympics included amateurs. Gone are the stories of the kid from a remote town practicing relentlessly and rising up through national competitions to surprise everyone by making it to the world’s biggest stage. Now, in every country, the Olympic caliber athletes are identified when they’re young and sent away to train with professional coaches for years. They get housing, food, clothing, and training paid for. They’re professionals before they hit puberty.
The Opening Ceremonies? Please. They’re millions of dollars or euros wasted on a tired old combination of a high school musical and a football game halftime show. Save that money, donate it to world hunger and let the athletes just show up and compete.
What do you think? Do you agree with me, or do you think I’m a complete Scrooge on this topic? Have a great Saturday! ~ Phil
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.