Tag Archives: Eurovision

Eurovision is a Jerk

For those of you not yet aware of the Eurovision song contest, it’s basically American Idol, but it’s an epic worldwide contest where each country sends one singer. Why isn’t America invited? Because they fear us, that’s why! I am hearby declaring this blog post a petition to Eurovision to have the U.S. winner of American Idol be our representative in a Eurovision Song Contest. We’re the United States of America for cripes sake! We can’t let the rest of the world doing things better than us!

( Photo by Pedro Fiúza/NurPhoto via Getty Images)

Eurovision has been going on since 1956, the same year that The Simpsons started! It was originally begun as a way to promote peace and harmony among the nations. Look Eurovision people, right now, the United States is the country most likely to start a war. If you want to promote peace, let us in, or Donald Trump will threaten to bomb you. Of course, he’ll also probably want to be the United States contestant because he thinks he’s best in the world at everything.

Salvador Sobral, the winner at the Eurovision Grand Final on May 14, 2017 in Ukraine. Photo by Brendan Hoffman/Getty Images)

You know what would be great to promote peace? Use the Eurovision song contest to settle international beefs between countries. How about a rap battle between North Korea’s Kim Jon Un and Donald Trump? Here’s how that might go:

D. Trump: Your country North Korea sounds like diarrhea. You say you got nukes well put up your dukes.  

Kim Jong Un: The United States is high and mighty, but if you go to war with me you’ll soil your tighty whities! 

See? How much fun would that be? C’mon Eurovision! Don’t be a jerk! If you want to promote peace let the whole world in! I’m pretty sure that Australia isn’t in Europe but you let them in because of the almost British accent they have. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Music Monday! Eurovision!

For my readers from the States who aren’t familiar with it, the Eurovision song contest is like American Idol but for all of Europe and Australia. The contest is so big that it’s been running for over 50 years and on Saturday night the audience was surprised by a live performance by Justin Timberlake. Each country sends one singer to compete. Saturday night the annual Eurovision winner was crowned. The winner was Jamala of the Ukraine. Here’s the winning performance:

Have a great Monday! ~Phil

Eight Things That Annoyed Me in 2015

The Pope: Yeah, that’s right. I’m annoyed with the Pope because he ruined a weekend for me. Last March I planned a trip to New York City in September for my wife and I for our anniversary. I booked a gorgeous hotel and got tickets to a concert at Madison Square Garden. The Pope, who hadn’t planned as far ahead as I had, later schedules his trip to New York for that same weekend, canceling the concert  and having a parade right down the street in front of the hotel. I didn’t find out about any of the specifics until the morning of my planned trip.

Justin Bieber: Still out there? Yup. Then I’m still annoyed.

Terrorists: I’m pretty pissed at all of them, both foreign and domestic, regardless of what their agenda is.

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Creative, Intelligent People: Hey a-holes, how about you stop making worthless crap like apps, drones, Call of Duty 12, and hoverboards and use your intelligence to solve serious problems like global warming and cancer?

Donald Trump: You want to be President, but you obfuscate the issues by making the campaign into a circus. How about you answer a question with something other than a joke? It’s annoying. It’s like listening to me all day, except my jokes aren’t alienating entire countries and groups of people. And you made me use the word “obfuscate” in public. Jerk.

Airlines: This year They found a piece of the Malaysian jet that disappeared in 2014.  Why couldn’t they find it? I’ve got a GPS in my car that a satellite in outer space can find no matter where I drive in the world. How about somebody put one of those in the planes?

The British Royal Family: They act all snooty like they’re more refined than us because they’re British. They’re basically The Kardashians with an accent.

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The Eurovision Song ContestFor those of you not familiar, it’s basically American Idol, but it’s an epic worldwide contest where each country sends one singer. Why isn’t America invited? Because they fear us, that’s why! I am hearby declaring this blog post a petition to Eurovision to have the U.S. winner of American Idol be our representative in a Worldvision Song Contest. We’re the United States of America for cripes sake! We can’t let the rest of the world doing things better than us!

Happy New Year to all my wonderful blog friends! ~Phil