Tag Archives: Hurricane Florence

Rock You Like a Hurricane?

First, before you read this, know that I am not making fun of the devastation and those who are effected by this weeks hurricane. I’m making fun of those who report on hurricanes because many of them are truly idiots.

My body is burning, it starts to shout
Desire is coming, it breaks out loud
Lust is in cages till storm breaks loose
Just have to make it with someone I choose

Here I am
Rock you like a hurricane (Are you ready, baby?)
Here I am
Rock you like a hurricane

It’s pretty obvious to anyone that Scorpions, in a rock song with perhaps the greatest guitar riff intro ever, were not talking about an actual hurricane. And all this week, I’m not entirely sure that television meteorologists are talking about a hurricane. Any TV broadcaster talking about the hurricane seems inordinately aroused by this weather event. Much like their sex, lives this probably only happens to them a couple times a year. And I’m not entirely sure that they don’t like this better. I swear that yesterday when the camera came back from an on screen graphic I saw Chris Cuomo and Ginger Zee adjusting their clothes.

Watch this video of a broadcaster allegedly battling the hellacious winds to stay upright when two gentlemen stroll past in the background apparently having no trouble at all. My first major in college was broadcasting and I don’t remember any of the lectures including the phrase “fake stuff to seem more dramatic.”

The funny part is, you never see any of these broadcasters the rest of the year. It’s like every network has a closet where they keep a half dozen people captive just waiting for something catastrophic like this. While they’re all in that secret closet waiting for a “weather event,” I imagine them all practicing enunciating words like storm surge, hunker down, and Nor’easter.  Seriously, is “hunkering down” the only way to survive a hurricane?

And lastly, Twitter was full of people wondering why this storm wasn’t called Daniels, just so the reporters could say that “the east coast is getting blown by Stormy Daniels.” Hey, I don’t make the news, I just report it. Have a great Sunday and I hope all of you in the path of the storm are safe and well. ~Phil