First, before you read this, know that I am not making fun of the devastation and those who are effected by this weeks hurricane. I’m making fun of those who report on hurricanes because many of them are truly idiots.
My body is burning, it starts to shout
Desire is coming, it breaks out loud
Lust is in cages till storm breaks loose
Just have to make it with someone I choose
Here I am
Rock you like a hurricane (Are you ready, baby?)
Here I am
Rock you like a hurricane
It’s pretty obvious to anyone that Scorpions, in a rock song with perhaps the greatest guitar riff intro ever, were not talking about an actual hurricane. And all this week, I’m not entirely sure that television meteorologists are talking about a hurricane. Any TV broadcaster talking about the hurricane seems inordinately aroused by this weather event. Much like their sex, lives this probably only happens to them a couple times a year. And I’m not entirely sure that they don’t like this better. I swear that yesterday when the camera came back from an on screen graphic I saw Chris Cuomo and Ginger Zee adjusting their clothes.
Watch this video of a broadcaster allegedly battling the hellacious winds to stay upright when two gentlemen stroll past in the background apparently having no trouble at all. My first major in college was broadcasting and I don’t remember any of the lectures including the phrase “fake stuff to seem more dramatic.”
The funny part is, you never see any of these broadcasters the rest of the year. It’s like every network has a closet where they keep a half dozen people captive just waiting for something catastrophic like this. While they’re all in that secret closet waiting for a “weather event,” I imagine them all practicing enunciating words like storm surge, hunker down, and Nor’easter. Seriously, is “hunkering down” the only way to survive a hurricane?
And lastly, Twitter was full of people wondering why this storm wasn’t called Daniels, just so the reporters could say that “the east coast is getting blown by Stormy Daniels.” Hey, I don’t make the news, I just report it. Have a great Sunday and I hope all of you in the path of the storm are safe and well. ~Phil
(Aug. 29,2011) Well it’s hurricane season in the Northern hemisphere. Hurricane Irene ran up the East coast this past weekend and I hope with every fiber of my being that some forward think musician somewhere created a parody song titled “Come On Irene,” based on the 80’s hit by Dexy’s Midnight Runners.
Fortunately I don’t live in an area that ever gets any hurricanes although I felt some of the wind and rain from Irene. In the U.S., our weather people have a tradition of naming hurricanes with people names, such as Hurricane Phil, or Hurricane Betsy. Then the news people are astounded that people refuse to leave their homes when a hurricane is coming. Who is going to be afraid of Hurricane Betsy, or Tropical Storm Cecilia? Remember innocuously named Hurricane Katrina? Yeah, how’d that work out for everyone? Have you ever noticed that when people are interviewed as a big storm is bearing down on their area the homeowners always use the phrase “hunker down”? The interview always goes like this:
Reporter: I’m standing here with Joe and Jane Homeowner who plan on staying right where they are as the biggest storm of the century bears down on us. Joe and Jane, why are you staying put?
Homeowners: Well this little storm ‘taint nuthin. We’ll just hunker down until it passes. Now the storm of ’68, that was a storm!
I’m not sure I’ve ever hunkered down for anything. I think hunkering down best describes the pose my dog takes when she’s going number 2. If you want people to flee to somewhere safe you have to give a storm a name that sounds as scary as it is. Why not give it an intimidating name? How about something like Mega Hurricane Deathtron? That might get people out of their homes. Or maybe something simple like The Hurricane of Death? If the Hurricane of Death was headed for my house you can bet I’d get the hell out of the way. Then again, if they named hurricanes like that you wouldn’t have people selling post hurricane t-shirts that said things like “I Was Blown By Irene 2011.” When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will convene a special committee of writers to work on scary, new hurricane names every year.
If you enjoy my nonsense and still have your internet connection after the hurricane you can share this using any of the social media buttons below, follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor and/or subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle. Have a great Thursday!