Tag Archives: Powerball

Death: The Ultimate Powerball

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When I was thinking of what to write about today, my two ideas were the massive Powerball lottery that has been big news in the States for the past two weeks, or the recent deaths of four talented individuals who left this mortal sphere a better place than they found it. Also I thought of the title above and thought, “If people are Googling for the two most searched topics of the past week, this title is going to pull a ton or readers to my blog!”

You’re probably be thinking, “What the hell is he talking about? Death is like winning the lottery? Idiot.” Those of you that know me well are hopefully thinking, “I want to see how he ties this all together.” You, I like. That first “Idiot” group, not so much.

Death has always been the bane of my existence. It’s not that I’ve been around it any more than anyone else, but I hate it. I would like very much to avoid it at all costs. Yet at the same time, it fascinates me. What if it really is a portal to another plane of existence? Could I live a whole other life as a ghost? Is there a heaven and hell?

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The Powerball lottery reached $1.5 billion American dollars this past week. I had the thought that if I won that fantastic sum I would use it to do every thing I could to make my body so healthy that I would live as long as is humanly possible and then I’d live some more. I’d quit my job and devote myself to daily workout routines and I’d hire two nutritionist/dietitians to guide my eating every day. I’d need two, so they could work in shifts, one from 7:00 a.m. until 3:00 pm and the second from 3:00 until I go to bed. I know myself. I need that kind of babysitting when it comes to what I eat. If this scenario ever does happen, shortly thereafter McDonald’s will remove McNuggets from their menu because of a sudden and inexplicable massive drop in sales of them.

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The past two and a half weeks have reminded me that money can probably buy you a lot of things, but a longer life isn’t one of them. Lemmy, Bowie, Rickman, Dan Haggerty, and Celine Dion’s husband were all men who had done well financially in life but that didn’t buy them any more time. So I got to thinking, if Grizzly Adams, Snape, and Ziggy Stardust can’t dodge the Grim Reaper, I probably can’t either.

You know how financial planners help you plan out how you’re going to have money to live on after you retire? I’ve decided to plan how I’m going to live after I die. I figure that if I create a kind of to-do list for the afterlife, it will seem less scary, and I’ll be more prepared than those that don’t think of these things. That’s why so many ghosts have a surprised look on their faces.

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I’m going to do something now that I’ve never done. A “To be continued.” Come back tomorrow for my afterlife To-do list. I’m already 600 words in here with no logical end in sight, so, if I live until tomorrow, I’ll have a funny list of things I plan to do after I die. Boy, wouldn’t it be the most ironic thing ever if I died and never got to make that list? And this would turn out to be the last thing I wrote online? Talk about a powerful metaphor! I’m tempted to continue living but not write anything just so the two of you that actually think, “I’ll make a point to look for #ThePhilFactor tomorrow,” think that I really did die.

Have a great Saturday! I’ll see you tomorrow! ~Phil

 

When I’m Elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive…

Yes, it’s that time again, time for me to propose common sense changes to a broken world. If I win the Powerball lottery I will use that money to implement changes for the good of all. And by all, I mean me. If I don’t win the lottery these changes will have to wait until I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first.

1. Walk how you drive: In the U.S. when we drive we stay to the right so traffic flows in both directions. Unfortunately, due to the stupidity  of many, when we get out of our cars all hell breaks loose. How many times have you been in a mall or supermarket when you are suddenly confronted by some dolt walking the other direction who has idiotically forced you into the awkward “which way do I go?” dance because they walked right at you? Also, when driving on the highway at 65 mph (or 100 km/hour for the rest of the world) would you ever consider just stopping suddenly to look at something? Yeah, what happens when someone walking in front of you at the mall does that? You find yourself suddenly way more intimate with their backside than you’re comfortable with. I propose that the rules of the road be enforced in all public areas even if we have to paint lines.    If you’re walking, stay to the right and if you want to look at something, get the hell out of the flow of traffic.

2. Screw Caps! No, I’m not opposed to capital letters. I want screw caps mandatory on all wine bottles. You know what was great about the Middle Ages?  Me either. In the Middle Ages they had legal torture and the bubonic plague. They also put wine in bottles and sealed them with corks. How many other traditions from the Middle Ages have we continued? Who hasn’t had a cork break and get stuck in the neck of the bottle forcing you to break it out piece by piece?  Then you have to pick the pieces out of your glass of wine. And don’t give me that rubber cork crap either! There is no logical reason for us to use a medieval torture tool to open a bottle when we could just screw the cap off. And in the right situation I’m not opposed to wine in juice boxes. How sweet would that be when you’re golfing or at a ball game?

3. Public bathroom stalls: It’s almost impossible to keep a shred of dignity intact in these places. I have so little dignity that I can ill afford to lose any more. I believe all public restroom stalls should be the size of the handicap stalls. Most of us are uncomfortable enough using public restrooms, why do we need to be in these tiny closets where shoulders touch the walls and our feet almost touch those of the person next to us? I believe the walls of stalls should go all the way down to the floor too. I don’t want to touch your feet or see your pants on the floor around your ankles.

I had considered writing a blog about the outrage everyone had about the Abercrappie and Filth CEO’s comments about not having larger sizes because they only want the “cool kids” to wear their clothes but then I realized the outrage was misguided.  I’m not outraged that the Big and Tall shop doesn’t have clothes in my size. I’m also not angry that Depends doesn’t market to me. And damn that AARP for their exclusivity! I’d love some of the benefits they have. Isn’t anyone upset that Lane Bryant doesn’t make lingerie in a size 6? Guess what? Every company markets to a specific audience and excludes others. The public outrage was actually a good thing for A&F and they’ll probably toast their own genius as soon as they can get those damn corks out of the bottle.

As always, if you enjoy what you read please hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below. If you have comments or contributions, feel free to leave them in the comments section. To reward those of you who have read this far I will give you a little clue about my second book which will be out in about 6 weeks. It will remind you of Fifty Shades of Grey.