Justin Bieber to Be My Vice-President

I’m not sure who yelled GO! but about a week ago everyone who plans to run for President of the United States declared their intentions. Slackers. Those who follow me here know that I’ve been running for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, for the last ten years. Also, unlike the slacker candidates, I already know who my Vice-President will be. It is, of course, Justin Bieber. How did you not see that coming? Justin didn’t see it coming either, but I’m confident he’ll accept the nomination.

Here’s why Justin Bieber is the perfect Vice-Presidential candidate for me: This week, apparently upset that he and girlfriend Kendall Jenner (daughter of gender-transitioning Olympic gold medalist Bruce & sister of Kim Kardashian) were not allowed in to Drake’s performance at the Coachella Music Festival, so of course the Biebs threw a big enough hissy fit that he was dragged out in a chokehold by event security.

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Also this week it came out that at some point in the past Justin impregnated Miley Cyrus, who later miscarried. This may or may not be true, but it’s out there. That’s a typical week for the Biebs. Police intervention and impregnating other talented/troubled perpetually adolescent singers. That kid makes more news in a week than I’ve made in my whole life. And he’s a complete idiot. That’s why he’s the perfect Vice-President. Remember when Dick Cheney shot someone in the face? How is anything Bieber’s done worse than that?

As a Presidential candidate, no matter what I do or say, it will all look good in comparison to anything Justin Bieber does, and Bieber’s hijinks will forever keep me in the news. And seriously, talk about rockin’ the vote! How many 18 year old girls would vote for Bieber?  Here are your next leaders of the United States:


After seeing that picture I can’t imagine that ISIS won’t immediately surrender. Ok, to be honest, my brain has kind of checked out. By the time you read this I’m probably on a plane to somewhere warm and sunny for work. I can’t promise how much I may or may not blog over the next week.  Have a great week! ~Phil 



11 responses to “Justin Bieber to Be My Vice-President

  1. Hilarious! Thanks for the laugh.

  2. I am embarrassed that Justin Bieber is a Canadian! You can keep him, please?

  3. Your tactics are brilliant
    Your campaign is blazing
    Your debating is smart
    Nothing short of amazing
    If Beiber’s your veep
    I’ll vote you and him
    But would not be surprised
    If you didn’t win.

    (But probably just because
    He’s Canadian.)

    • LOL. Your rhymes are a crackin’ while it’s Bieber’s rep you’re attackin’
      I know he’s a fighter, but what I could use now is a rhyming speech writer.
      I just want to be clear, it’s you I want to volunteer.
      Your unparalleled skills would more than overcome little Justin’s ills.

      • Well I’m quite honored as it appears
        I’ve voted for you now every year
        And so I do pledge my allegiance
        To your election and your speeches
        Just hope that no one really minds
        If they are all written in rhyme.

  4. I have to be honest Phil, you had my vote, had being the key word there. LOL I do think though Marissa should be your speech writer. Totally on another post here, did you see New York is going to build their own ‘observation wheel’, and it is supposed to be bigger than anybody’s…damn it! Peace & Love

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