Tag Archives: Presidential candidate

How To Decide The Election: The Presidential Physical Fitness Test

Pic courtesy of Popular Science

I don’t know if other countries did this, but when I was in school from age 10 to 16 or so, once every year we were forced to participate in The Presidential Physical Fitness Test. It was a standardized fitness test that consisted of push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups, a standing broad jump, a shuttle run, a 50-yard dash and a softball throw. Every single kid in the United States was tested on this stuff once a year. I’m still not sure why the President cared if I could do ten pull-ups. And not once as an adult have I been asked to do pull-ups at work.

I earned that ridiculous patch every year and every year I threw it away. There were a few hundred kids my age in my school every year and not one of us put that patch anywhere but the garbage. I think it’s time we make The President’s Physical Fitness Test really presidential.

It’s the Presidential Physical Fitness test. If either of these guys can do ten pull-ups, run 50 yards in 8 seconds, do 15 push ups and  30 sit-ups in a minute then they get a patch and the Presidency of the best country in the world. If they aren’t as physically fit as ten year olds are expected to be, then they are not fit for the presidency. I believe that this is why they set up The Presidential Physical Fitness test; to prepare my generation for the Presidency. Our time has come.

Pic from The Profile

By  The Presidential Physical Fitness test standards,  Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson should be our next President. Have any of you got any better ideas?

Thanks for reading! ~Phil

Justin Bieber to Be My Vice-President

I’m not sure who yelled GO! but about a week ago everyone who plans to run for President of the United States declared their intentions. Slackers. Those who follow me here know that I’ve been running for President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, for the last ten years. Also, unlike the slacker candidates, I already know who my Vice-President will be. It is, of course, Justin Bieber. How did you not see that coming? Justin didn’t see it coming either, but I’m confident he’ll accept the nomination.

Here’s why Justin Bieber is the perfect Vice-Presidential candidate for me: This week, apparently upset that he and girlfriend Kendall Jenner (daughter of gender-transitioning Olympic gold medalist Bruce & sister of Kim Kardashian) were not allowed in to Drake’s performance at the Coachella Music Festival, so of course the Biebs threw a big enough hissy fit that he was dragged out in a chokehold by event security.

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Photograph by Jeff Kravitz/Film Magic

Also this week it came out that at some point in the past Justin impregnated Miley Cyrus, who later miscarried. This may or may not be true, but it’s out there. That’s a typical week for the Biebs. Police intervention and impregnating other talented/troubled perpetually adolescent singers. That kid makes more news in a week than I’ve made in my whole life. And he’s a complete idiot. That’s why he’s the perfect Vice-President. Remember when Dick Cheney shot someone in the face? How is anything Bieber’s done worse than that?

As a Presidential candidate, no matter what I do or say, it will all look good in comparison to anything Justin Bieber does, and Bieber’s hijinks will forever keep me in the news. And seriously, talk about rockin’ the vote! How many 18 year old girls would vote for Bieber?  Here are your next leaders of the United States:

BieberWheelchairPhil

After seeing that picture I can’t imagine that ISIS won’t immediately surrender. Ok, to be honest, my brain has kind of checked out. By the time you read this I’m probably on a plane to somewhere warm and sunny for work. I can’t promise how much I may or may not blog over the next week.  Have a great week! ~Phil 

#PHIL2020