These aren’t the ten funniest tweets I’ve ever read, but they are the ten funniest recent tweets I’m willing to put on my blog. Also, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I’m going to pass a law that if you choose a Twitter name you have to keep it as your legal name forever.
10. @droidbears: flight attendant: Sir, are you raising your hand?
me: How do i access the wifi?
FA: I’m doing safety announcements
me: Is that lowercase?
9. @sixfootcandy: I started using extra sensitive toothpaste and now I can’t stop crying.
8. @theCatWhisperer: I get way to many American Eagle emails for someone who graduated from college 15 years ago.
7. @djdarrellripley: Him: Ok now, remember, whatever is in this suitcase, we split in two.
Me: What if it’s a kitten?6. @sarcasticmommy4: Kids are the reason they invented the 24 hour psychiatric hold.
5. @thatUPSdude: Judge: Before I sentence you to death do you have any last words?
Me: He was wearing crocs with socks.
Judge: Bailiff set this man free!
4. @inkedzombie: My savings account is really just a Crown Royal bag full of change.
3. @TheMichaelRock: Me: I don’t even like peanut butter on tortilla shells.
Alcohol: Yes you do.
2. @In_Twittaland: 1% battery…
Because I like to live on the
1. @Dawn_M_: Old enough to know my sock puppet isn’t real, young enough to still kill drifters at his command.
That last tweet is why I love Twitter so much. If you haven’t signed up for Twitter yet, by all means do so and follow me @ThePhilFactor and I’ll follow you back. If you’re not sure how to “do Twitter”, read this handy little guide I wrote a while ago. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil