Tag Archives: funny tweets

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets!

Posted on November 20, 2018 | 5 comments

A lot of people say “Twitter? I don’t get it.” Sometimes even Presidents don’t get it even WHEN they THINK they DO. If you’re a President, or just someone who wants to understand Twitter better, follow these ten funny people”

TOP 10 HALLS:

10. City Hall
9. Arsenio Hall
8. Rebecca Hall
7. Hall & Oates
6. Carnegie Hall
5. Anthony Michael Hall
4. In the Hall of the Mountain King
3. The “Hall Pass”
2. Hall of Justice
1. Hall ‘O Ween

— Justin Staggs (@Staggfilms) October 21, 2018

Scented candles are a gateway drug to throw pillows. There, I said it.

— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) October 21, 2018

I've got 66 problems, and writing numbers upside down is one of them.

— Drew (@dmc1138) September 25, 2018

Questionable superpowers

– magnetic calves
– ability to predict milk expiration dates
– super ability to get bartenders’ attention
– always have change of a $50 bill
– telekinesis, but can only move senior citizens
– can always moonwalk due North
– smell like cinnamon

— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) August 30, 2018

I want to see someone get sucked into the Price is Right wheel before I die.

— 🎄HoRiotHoGrl🎄 (@ErinLea7) July 19, 2018

i always make sure to snip my plastic six-pack rings, because if i’m going to strangle a turtle, it’s going to be with my bare hands

— garth purkett (@garbagecoven) July 31, 2018

Pls check out my new bog it’s like a blog except I scream my feelings into a swamp

— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) July 30, 2018

If you mean being able to sing 99 Red Balloons in English and German then yes I’m bilingual.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) July 27, 2018

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

— Just J (@junejuly12) July 15, 2018

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don't talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

— Cats are the future⚔️ (@iLikeCatShirts) April 13, 2015

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

5 Comments

Posted in Humor, Social Media, Top Ten, Top Ten Tuesday

Tagged #Phil2020, funny tweets, Ten funny tweets, The Phil Factor

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets

Posted on April 24, 2018 | 6 comments

techwheez.com

You know I’m a fan of Twitter and one of my favorite places to hang out is funny Twitter. Funny Twitter you ask? Yes, Funny Twitter. Twitter can be whatever you want and you can find groups of people from all over the world that share your interests. If you have an interest in hand painting the shells of left handed turtles, there’s a Twitter for that. It’s called Hand Painting Left Handed Turtle Shells Twitter! Duh! There’s Democrat Twitter, Republican Twitter, Canadian Twitter and British Twitter. If you belong to a group, there’s a Twitter for you. But my favorite Twitter is the one that commences at 5 p.m. U.S. EST on Friday. It’s Weekend Twitter! There are no holds barred. I will spare you some of the more.. ahem.. interesting tweets from Weekend Twitter. Here are some of my favorite recent tweets:

I just poured half a bottle of Chardonnay into an empty venti sized Starbucks cup, so yeah I’m definitely all about recycling and saving the planet.

— Rack Paper Scissors (@RackOfSteel) April 21, 2018

I just saw 2 people jogging while having a conversation about stuff that had nothing to do with possibly dying from the jogging.

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) May 25, 2015

My phone autocorrects "No diggity" to "No dignity." So true phone, so true.

— GINGERATLAW (@GingerAtLaw) July 29, 2013

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you're seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON'T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) April 15, 2018

Back in the 90s we didn't have probiotics. If we wanted a bunch of weird bacteria in our gut we had to eat at Olive Garden.

— Rickneedssleep (@rickolantern) September 26, 2017

Me in my 20's:
oh cool there's an after party

Me in my 40's:
oh cool this cardigan has pockets

— kanye's bhole (@bossy_bootz) August 30, 2017

Wild rice is just like regular rice, except it gets filmed topless in Cancun and has self esteem issues.

— Angie B (@Angibangie) April 13, 2018

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch "grande"

— Olive Gravy (@offbeatoliv) December 22, 2016

Every bag of Doritos I open are Emotional Support Doritos.

— She (@Mom_Overboard) April 7, 2018

[Rap Battle]

Me: step to me? Yo your rhymes are trash. Your mouth writin checks your ass can’t cash

Millennial Opponent: [frantically googling what is a check]

— FirstTimeDad (@NewDadNotes) April 7, 2018

Have a great Tuesday and follow all these funny people on Twitter. ~Phil

6 Comments

Posted in Humor, Top Ten, Top Ten Tuesday, Twitter

Tagged funny tweets, Ten funny tweets, The Phil Factor, ThePhilFactor, Top Ten Tuesday, Top Ten Tuesday The Phil Factor

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Great Tweets!

Posted on January 16, 2018 | 18 comments

I like to say things in 500-700 words. I’m not all that great at Twitter, but there are others who have mastered the short form humor. Despite the recent change to 280 characters, there are still people who are brilliantly funny with very little said. Here are some of my recent favorite, laugh out loud tweets:

My stomach is basically an orphanage for Sour Patch Kids

— Doug Bies (@dougbies) January 14, 2018

Big shout out to Ricky from Brighton who just thanked me because he thought he had run out of Corona but then found 6 behind the milk

Anytime Rick!

— Jesus H Christ (@ThatBloke_Jesus) January 12, 2018

“science is fake!” he typed on his phone, which is literally made out of science.

— J.B. 4Realz (@JB4Realz) January 2, 2018

Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators

— meh (@bonehugsnirony) January 10, 2018

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

— Boog (@BoogTweets) January 10, 2018

PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?

PHARAOH: yes, take this down

SUBJECT: ok

PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird

— rob elliott (@rockymomax) January 11, 2018

I live somewhere between, Seize the Day & it’s time for a nap.

— Freudian Scripts™ (@Freudianscript) January 11, 2018

My Sally Jessy Raphael neck tattoo gets me into all the exclusive book clubs.

— Spruce Willis (@SabotagedSmoke) January 10, 2018

My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.

— 🇺🇸Frank Whitehouse 🇺🇸 (@WheelTod) October 10, 2014

If you’re one of the people that say, “I just don’t get Twitter, read THIS. You can find me on Twitter @thephilfactor. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

18 Comments

Posted in Humor, Social Media, Twitter

Tagged funny, funny tweets, humor, Social Media, The Phil Factor, Twitter

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets

Posted on July 28, 2015 | 8 comments

These aren’t the ten funniest tweets I’ve ever read, but they are the ten funniest recent tweets I’m willing to put on my blog. Also, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I’m going to pass a law that if you choose a Twitter name you have to keep it as your legal name forever.

10. @droidbears: flight attendant: Sir, are you raising your hand?

me: How do i access the wifi?

FA: I’m doing safety announcements

me: Is that lowercase?

9. @sixfootcandy: I started using extra sensitive toothpaste and now I can’t stop crying.

8. @theCatWhisperer: I get way to many American Eagle emails for someone who graduated from college 15 years ago.

7. @djdarrellripley: Him: Ok now, remember, whatever is in this suitcase, we split in two.

Me: What if it’s a kitten?

colourbox.com

6. @sarcasticmommy4: Kids are the reason they invented the 24 hour psychiatric hold.

5. @thatUPSdude: Judge: Before I sentence you to death do you have any last words?

Me: He was wearing crocs with socks.

Judge: Bailiff set this man free!

4. @inkedzombie: My savings account is really just a Crown Royal bag full of change.

3. @TheMichaelRock: Me: I don’t even like peanut butter on tortilla shells.

Alcohol: Yes you do.

2. @In_Twittaland: 1% battery…

Because I like to live on the

1. @Dawn_M_: Old enough to know my sock puppet isn’t real, young enough to still kill drifters at his command.

That last tweet is why I love Twitter so much. If you haven’t signed up for Twitter yet, by all means do so and follow me @ThePhilFactor and I’ll follow you back. If you’re not sure how to “do Twitter”, read this handy little guide I wrote a while ago. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

8 Comments

Posted in Humor, Social Media, Top Ten, Top Ten Tuesday, Twitter

Tagged funny tweets, The Phil Factor, Twitter

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Funniest Tweets I Read Last Week

Posted on March 3, 2015 | 17 comments

Sadly, none of these were written by me. I love my Twitter though. If I was still doing stand-up I’d be stealing from Twitter all the time. In no particular order of funniness, here are ten tweets that made me laugh this week.

@Quartzjixler: Fifty Shades of Grey? See it all the time. – dogs

@AnAbsurdBird: I only go to the gym this time of day cos *all the pensioners in make me look like a badass, *some of, *OK! Just that guy with the dodgy hip.

@SamGrittner: POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

@Sasshole: I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body. Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

@HeyZeus666: *starts hot tub time machine*

*goes back 3 hours in time*

*saves fifteen bucks by not going to see Hot Tub Time Machine*

@SardonicTart: If God is real, then explain why the weekend is only two days

@Ryncasaurus: Woman: what colour are my eyes?

Man: white

W: what? White??

M: oh. Sorry. That’s the only part we see when you’re always rolling them at us.

@biclops72: The Grinch’s prostate was also 3 sizes too big

@CatherineLMK: Oh, so if a baby takes 3 steps and falls over, everyone goes nuts. But if I do it I’m “an embarrassment” and “ruining your son’s birthday”?

Like I said, I love my Twitter, but not everyone “gets” Twitter. If you aren’t a tweeter but would like to understand it a little better, read my post from last fall, A Guide to Twitter for the Non-Twits. If you are on Twitter and I’m not following you yet, follow me @ThePhilFactor and I’ll follow you back. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

17 Comments

Posted in Humor, Social Media, Top Ten, Top Ten Tuesday, Twitter

Tagged funny tweets, The Phil Factor, Top Ten, Top Ten Tuesday, Twitter

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