Tag Archives: Twitter

Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Funny Tweets

A lot of people say “Twitter? I don’t get it.” If you don’t get it, the easiest thing you can do is to follow these ten funny people.

Now that you’ve started your day with a laugh, have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

 

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Great Tweets!

I like to say things in 500-700 words. I’m not all that great at Twitter, but there are others who have mastered the short form humor. Despite the recent change to 280 characters, there are still people who are brilliantly funny with very little said. Here are some of my recent favorite, laugh out loud tweets:

If you’re one of the people that say, “I just don’t get Twitter, read THIS. You can find me on Twitter @thephilfactor. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Beware The Canadian Twitter Invasion

In honor of my upcoming trip to the Great White North, I’d thought I’d post this classic Phil Factor from 2013.

(05/11/13) About three years ago one of my sons had taken one of those silver permanent markers that are often used for autographs and wrote “Tweetin’ is a Habit” on his guitar case. At the time I remember thinking to myself, Holy crap! What an incredible dork! I didn’t think this because he was a fan of Twitter though. I thought it because he was an incredible dork.

Two or three years ago I signed up for a Twitter account but never really used it. Recently, thanks to my new friend @GregoryGAllen, I have become a Tweeter, or a Twitterer, or is it a Twit? Most would argue that it’s the third, and perhaps always was.

For those of us in the United States, using Twitter is like going to Canada. Like Canada, the Twitter language, customs, and etiquette are almost like ours, but just a little bit off. And there’s no weird money with pictures of geese. Although, I suppose the Twitter bird logo might be a goose. Maybe Twitter is a Canadian plot to bring down the U.S. by slowly distracting our entire workforce little by little until the country comes to a screeching halt and is ready for an invasion by their Dudley Do-Right military force. We’d have to be really distracted for them to invade us with a bunch of red-suited, horse-riding, unarmed soldiers. Did you know that the Canadians have their own internet? That seems kind of suspicious doesn’t it? If you put ca either in front of or behind a web address you can sneak into the Canadian internet. I did this once and found someone mocking the Americans on his sarcastic little Frenchy blog.  Jerk.

I checked the trending topics on the Canadian Twitter and it’s mostly stuff about bacon, maple syrup, hockey and Alex Trebek. You know why I’m certain that the Canadians are out to get us? Justin Bieber. Yup, he’s a Canadian spy sent to the U.S. to distract us. See, the thing is, Canadians aren’t an aggressive bunch. They’re hoping that if enough teens are distracted by Justin Bieber and Drake they’ll ignore their studies and eventually our future society will fall apart and we’ll have to rely on some crazy form of their socialized medicine. Oh wait a minute….

I initially set out to write a funny blog about Twitter and some of the strange abbreviations and terms I’ve had to learn as I’ve gotten up to speed in the Twitterverse, but just like everything else, I was distracted by the Canadians. They are a wily, bewitching bunch aren’t they? Brief fun fact, which I didn’t know until college; my high schools song and the Canadian anthem are sung to the same tune. I’m not sure which came first. Just more evidence that they’re infiltrating our society. Anywho, (which I think is a Canadian saying) if you Tweet and want another Twit you can follow me @ThePhilFactor by clicking the Twitter button up there in the left sidebar. As always, if you even smirked a little as you read this please hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below.

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets

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I’m traveling this week for both vacation and work, so you get some jokes from some other funny people who don’t have blogs. If you don’t Twitter, you should try it. It’s fun! If you aren’t sure how Twitter works, read A Guide to Twitter for The Non Twits. If you want to follow me on Twitter, you can find me @ThePhilFactor

This one is the story of my life:

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

The Great Netflix and Twitter Outage of 2016

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Yesterday the unthinkable happened, if only for a brief while. Both Twitter and Netflix were down for about 90 minutes thanks to a DDoS attack. Thanks? Yes. For 90 glorious minutes the human race reached its infinite potential. Without those two time wasting sites available, productivity in the United States rose by 327%. People actually showed up to work on time and when they got there, all hyped up by their morning coffee and their anxiety about the Netflix and Twitter outage, they were actually productive. In that 90 minutes without Netflix and Twitter cancer was cured and a manned space mission was sent to Mars. I think the space mission may have been an effort by millenials to see if they could get a Netflix or Twitter signal there. Seriously though, if there ever is a manned space mission to Mars, which will take 5 years to get there, there damn well better be Netflix on that flight!

@CulturedRuffian Twitter was down so I had to leave my mom’s basement & go seek validation for my horrible opinions from strangers at the mall.5:08 PM – 21 Oct 2016

When Twitter first went down it was like The Walking Dead except with stupefied people shuffling around the streets shouting out non-sequiturs that were only  140 letters long. It was great! Imagine a world were no one could blather on and on telling you some long idiotic story from a party last night that they think is far funnier than you do.

At first when the outage occurred I was worried about rioting in the streets…

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Apparently there was no rioting because those that didn’t go to work just sat home hitting refresh over and over. Teenagers everywhere also discovered that their tweeting and texting device also has an app that lets then make actual old timey telephone calls like their grandparents did back in the day.

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Ok, enough Twitter jokes. If you’re not a Twitter person because you don’t quite get the whole format, you can read my Guide To Twitter for The Non-Twits, and if you are already on Twitter and you’re not following me, why the hell not? You can find me at @ThePhilFactor of course. Have a great Saturday and feel free to hit the Tweet button below this. ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Laugh Out Loud Funny Tweets

If you’re not on Twitter yet, what are you waiting for? Twitter is the best comedy club and collection of evil geniuses in the world and there’s no cover charge.

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@LADaddy: It’s not fair. Straight girls can flirt with other girls. I lick one guy’s ear and suddenly I’m uninvited to the fantasy baseball draft.

@AGreaterMonster: I might not be performing the stripper routine this funeral wants…but it’s the one it needs.

@Alex_N_Chains: The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

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@Marcmywords2:  You know you’ve had a pretty good week, when the Priest has to excuse himself in middle of your Confession to go Google something.

@FlyJ_: Ugh! I’m not mad at you. -Women when they’re mad at you.

@Ms_WhateverV: Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch “Was it all fun and games up to that point?”

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@1KelliBelle: My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?

@adyaces: We named our daughter after my wife. Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

@thephilfactor: People inside a McDonalds inside a Walmart full of Walmart people is like a giant white trash turducken.

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@ruinedpicnic: OLYMPIC JUDGE: the routine was good but we were forced to take away points because you shouted ‘watch this shit motherfuckers’ at the start.

Sorry about the salty language in that last one, but I thought it was so funny I couldn’t not put it in the list. Twitter can be overwhelming at first, but you can tailor your feed to give you what you like. I like funny people and people who follow my blog. If you haven’t done Twitter yet, read this Guide to Twitter for the Non-Twits before you jump in. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets

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These aren’t the ten funniest tweets I’ve ever read, but they are the ten funniest recent tweets I’m willing to put on my blog. Also, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I’m going to pass a law that if you choose a Twitter name you have to keep it as your legal name forever.

10.  @droidbears:  flight attendant: Sir, are you raising your hand?

                                     me: How do i access the wifi?

                                     FA: I’m doing safety announcements

                                     me: Is that lowercase?

9. @sixfootcandy: I started using extra sensitive toothpaste and now I can’t stop crying.

8. @theCatWhisperer: I get way to many American Eagle emails for someone who graduated from college 15 years ago.

7. @djdarrellripley:  Him: Ok now, remember, whatever is in this suitcase, we split in two.

Me: What if it’s a kitten?

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6. @sarcasticmommy4: Kids are the reason they invented the 24 hour psychiatric hold.

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5. @thatUPSdude:  Judge: Before I sentence you to death do you have any last words?

  Me: He was wearing crocs with socks.

   Judge: Bailiff set this man free!

4. @inkedzombie: My savings account is really just a Crown Royal bag full of change.

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3. @TheMichaelRock:  Me: I don’t even like peanut butter on tortilla shells.

Alcohol: Yes you do.

2. @In_Twittaland:  1% battery…

Because I like to live on the

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1.  @Dawn_M_: Old enough to know my sock puppet isn’t real, young enough to still kill drifters at his command.

That last tweet is why I love Twitter so much.  If you haven’t signed up for Twitter yet, by all means do so and follow me @ThePhilFactor and I’ll follow you back. If you’re not sure how to “do Twitter”, read this handy little guide I wrote a while ago. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Funniest Tweets I Read Last Week

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Sadly, none of these were written by me. I love my Twitter though. If I was still doing stand-up I’d be stealing from Twitter all the time. In no particular order of funniness, here are ten tweets that made me laugh this week.

@Quartzjixler: Fifty Shades of Grey? See it all the time. – dogs

@AnAbsurdBird: I only go to the gym this time of day cos *all the pensioners in make me look like a badass, *some of, *OK! Just that guy with the dodgy hip.

@SamGrittner: POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

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@Sasshole: I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body. Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

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@HeyZeus666: *starts hot tub time machine*

*goes back 3 hours in time*

*saves fifteen bucks by not going to see Hot Tub Time Machine*

@SardonicTart: If God is real, then explain why the weekend is only two days

@Ryncasaurus: Woman: what colour are my eyes?

Man: white

W: what? White??

M: oh. Sorry. That’s the only part we see when you’re always rolling                                 them at us.

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@biclops72: The Grinch’s prostate was also 3 sizes too big

@CatherineLMK: Oh, so if a baby takes 3 steps and falls over, everyone goes nuts. But if I do it I’m “an embarrassment” and “ruining your son’s birthday”?

Like I said, I love my Twitter, but not everyone “gets” Twitter. If you aren’t a tweeter but would like to understand it a little better, read my post from last fall,  A Guide to Twitter for the Non-Twits.  If you are on Twitter and I’m not following you yet, follow me @ThePhilFactor and I’ll follow you back. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

 

A Guide to Twitter for the Non-Twits

I don’t get Twitter.” I hear it all the time. I understand though because when I first signed up for Twitter I didn’t “get it” either. Twitter just looked like a stream of consciousness non-sequiturs and random nonsense.

The truth is, a lot of what you find on Twitter is nonsense, but it doesn’t have to be. You can tailor Twitter to be what you want it to be. One of my first experiences with Twitter that showed me that it wasn’t just idiotic, unintelligible banter, was when I was on Twitter during the 2012 Super Bowl. It was like I had walked into a sports bar and everyone was in on the same conversation. They talked about plays as they happened and critiqued the commercials during every break in the action. I even joined in a little and got responses to some of my comments.

My second experience that showed me that Twitter was more than just meaningless fun was when I got my first Twitter notification that someone mentioned me. An author and HuffPo columnist, @GregoryGAllen,  had come across one of my blog posts that was shared by a friend and he bought one of my books and tweeted that he was reading it. I was amazed. I had never had Twitter do anything to me before. I thought it was just something amusing to read. Gregory and I started a conversation on Twitter and eventually interviewed each other for our respective blogs.

Another time I was dissatisfied with flight delays and I tweeted the airline about it and I ended up with a $150 certificate good towards my next flight on that airline.

Get a Good Username

So how do you start on Twitter? First sign up for an account, but put some thought into your username. You could use your real name, but chances are that it’s already taken and you’ll be stuck adding underlines or symbols or random numbers to make it unique. Instead, try using an old nickname or a funny play on words with your name. It will be easy for you to remember.

Don’t be an egg!

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An egg is what your profile picture will be if you don’t upload a picture. You might be saying to yourself, “But Phil,” which is an odd thing to say to yourself, “if I put a real picture of me won’t some crazy stalker come after me?” Relax. Put a picture of yourself, just not your home address. If you leave it as an egg no one will follow or interact with you. If you don’t want to put a picture of yourself, go with your favorite cartoon character or pet.

In your brief bio put what you’re interested in whether it be hobbies or favorite TV shows or authors. Relate it to what you want to do on Twitter. If you do, people that share your interests will be more likely to follow you and if you follow them you may see Tweets related to your interests.

How To Find People to Follow and How To Get Followers

On your Twitter page look up at the top right. There you’ll find an oval search box that says “Search Twitter.” Put in a hashtag # followed by your favorite topic, such as #bad80smovies. Guess what? You’ll immediately have a page full of Tweets about your topic. You can then click on and follow people that tweet about what you’re interested in. And guess what? Many of them will follow you back! Or if you want to see what your favorite celeb is talking about, look them up and follow them. Make sure it has a blue check mark symbol on the account so you know it’s the real person. The famous folks may occasionally respond to one of your responses to their tweet, but they probably won’t follow you back.

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What to Tweet and How To Interact with Others Tweets

Remember, social media is forever. Just because you can say something behind the cloak of a username doesn’t mean that you should. There’s always a way to trace things back to a real person. That being said, people say things on Twitter that they’d never say on Facebook. You can make jokes, mock celebrities and complain about your family. To just get your toes wet maybe tweet about a great book you just read or a movie you saw. End your tweet with the #subject. Others looking for that topic may find your tweet and reply or start a conversation.

If you see a tweet you like, hate or want to comment on look at the symbols beneath the words. If you click on the arrow you can reply directly to the person who posted the tweet. Remember though, even if your response is directed at the one person, everyone can see it. If you really like a tweet you have two choices; you can click the star to indicate you like it, or if you want to share that tweet with others who follow you click on the kind of circular arrows. Doing that will post the tweet to your timeline but still credit the original author. Retweeting is the best way to make friends on twitter. We all have egos and like to know that others like our opinions or jokes.

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I’m not trying to give the impression that I’m the King of Twitter. I’m not. Hell, I’m not even the court jester of Twitter. I’m just trying to help out those that want to try it but feel overwhelmed the first time they look at the Twitter timeline and don’t know what to make of it. Twitter is like getting in a pool. If you just stick your toe in you’ll never learn how to swim. You’ve got to just jump into Twitter and flail around until you learn how to swim, or fly I guess since Twitters logo is a bird.

Feel free to follow me on Twitter and say hello. The follow button is up there in the left sidebar. I’ll follow you back. If you like what you read at #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Twitter, Facebook, or reblog buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Twitter People vs. Facebook People

Yes, this is my Throwback Thursday post. When I posted this a year ago I thought it was a good post, but I had no idea the interest it would draw. Over 17,000 views in one day. I hope it’s as well received this time.

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Since 2004 Facebook is the brand name associated with social media. Twitter has been something of a much maligned younger sibling in the social media world since it stumbled home drunk two years later.  That is the difference between Facebook people and Twitter people.

On Facebook everyone is a polished, Cosby Show/Brady Bunch version of themselves. On Twitter everyone seems to be the sarcastic, hungover,  Jackass version of themselves.

There’s a chance Mark Zuckerberg will sue me for using the word Facebook 800 times in this blog post. Twitter will buy me a shot and retweet the link to this 800 times.

If Facebook and Twitter were movies, Facebook would be The Little Mermaid and Twitter would be The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

On Facebook you can follow all manner of celebrity but you’re still held back by a velvet rope. It’s a one way street of communication. On Twitter, if @AmandaBynes says she just set a fire in her driveway I can suggest she throw water on it and she might even thank me.

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@shaylamaddoxTwitter makes me like people I’ve never met and Facebook makes me hate people I know in real life

On Facebook if George Takei posts a hilarious picture of Spock and Captain Kirk engaged in relations I can’t ask George where he got it or if William Shatner would mind if I posted it. Doing research for this I used Twitter to contact the artist, Kiersten Essenpreis,  of the cartoon above and the person Shayla Maddox, another artist, who actually tweeted the caption inspiring the cartoon. That’s Twitter, where everyone gets down in the mud and wrestles with everyone else. Click their names to check out Shayla and Kiersten’s websites. They’re both very talented artists.

On Facebook I post pictures of all my festive holiday ties. On Twitter I wear a t-shirt with the sleeves cut off to show off my tattoo.

Typical Facebook status by me: Only 8 hours until I’m on vacation!

Typical Tweet by @FunkyFresh_79: I just saw a pancake in a tutu outside of IHOP and I’m not sure if aroused is a strong enough word for what I’m feeling right now.

Don’t get me wrong. like a parent with two kids, I love both Twitter and Facebook equally, but in different ways. On Facebook you find old friends and on Twitter you make new friends. Facebook is a class reunion while Twitter is the first day, or maybe night, staying in a college dorm. You have to be invited to the Facebook party while on Twitter, party crashing is encouraged.

SquirrelArmy Tornado @MikecanrantStuffing a bag of live chickens in the microwave for 3 minutes does NOT make popcorn chicken. In fact, it makes a mess. A horrible mess.

Before you get the wrong impression about my thoughts on Twitter and Facebook, let me tell you how I got sucked in. A year and a half ago I set up a Twitter account but rarely used it. Then I tuned into Twitter during the Super Bowl and it was like a great big conversation about the game; like you’d have in a bar talking with friendly strangers.  A few months after that I was on a business trip to Florida when suddenly I felt a little buzz in my pocket. A Twitter notification? I had never gotten one before! I only had 34 followers at the time. @GregoryGAllen, an author and HuffPo columnist whom I had never heard of, was tweeting out to his over 3,000 followers that he was reading my novel White Picket Prisons. I was stunned and amazed. I had no idea how he found me. I messaged him to ask and it turns out that a blog post of mine had gained some viral traction and had been shared by one of his Facebook friends. In that instance, without any crude jokes, Twitter and Facebook came together to make something amazing happen.

This is a perfect example of Twitter:

Chris Sherk @TheIronSherkAll of my life has led to this moment, trying to write the perfect Meatloaf tweet Once I do, everything else will be gravy.

That’s Twitter for you. Not everyone will get the joke, but the right people will.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share by clicking the Facebook, Twiitter and re-blog buttons below. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil