Tag Archives: Twitter

Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Funny Tweets

A lot of people say “Twitter? I don’t get it.” If you don’t get it, the easiest thing you can do is to follow these ten funny people.

Now that you’ve started your day with a laugh, have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

 

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Great Tweets!

I like to say things in 500-700 words. I’m not all that great at Twitter, but there are others who have mastered the short form humor. Despite the recent change to 280 characters, there are still people who are brilliantly funny with very little said. Here are some of my recent favorite, laugh out loud tweets:

If you’re one of the people that say, “I just don’t get Twitter, read THIS. You can find me on Twitter @thephilfactor. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! Beware The Canadian Twitter Invasion

In honor of my upcoming trip to the Great White North, I’d thought I’d post this classic Phil Factor from 2013.

(05/11/13) About three years ago one of my sons had taken one of those silver permanent markers that are often used for autographs and wrote “Tweetin’ is a Habit” on his guitar case. At the time I remember thinking to myself, Holy crap! What an incredible dork! I didn’t think this because he was a fan of Twitter though. I thought it because he was an incredible dork.

Two or three years ago I signed up for a Twitter account but never really used it. Recently, thanks to my new friend @GregoryGAllen, I have become a Tweeter, or a Twitterer, or is it a Twit? Most would argue that it’s the third, and perhaps always was.

For those of us in the United States, using Twitter is like going to Canada. Like Canada, the Twitter language, customs, and etiquette are almost like ours, but just a little bit off. And there’s no weird money with pictures of geese. Although, I suppose the Twitter bird logo might be a goose. Maybe Twitter is a Canadian plot to bring down the U.S. by slowly distracting our entire workforce little by little until the country comes to a screeching halt and is ready for an invasion by their Dudley Do-Right military force. We’d have to be really distracted for them to invade us with a bunch of red-suited, horse-riding, unarmed soldiers. Did you know that the Canadians have their own internet? That seems kind of suspicious doesn’t it? If you put ca either in front of or behind a web address you can sneak into the Canadian internet. I did this once and found someone mocking the Americans on his sarcastic little Frenchy blog.  Jerk.

I checked the trending topics on the Canadian Twitter and it’s mostly stuff about bacon, maple syrup, hockey and Alex Trebek. You know why I’m certain that the Canadians are out to get us? Justin Bieber. Yup, he’s a Canadian spy sent to the U.S. to distract us. See, the thing is, Canadians aren’t an aggressive bunch. They’re hoping that if enough teens are distracted by Justin Bieber and Drake they’ll ignore their studies and eventually our future society will fall apart and we’ll have to rely on some crazy form of their socialized medicine. Oh wait a minute….

I initially set out to write a funny blog about Twitter and some of the strange abbreviations and terms I’ve had to learn as I’ve gotten up to speed in the Twitterverse, but just like everything else, I was distracted by the Canadians. They are a wily, bewitching bunch aren’t they? Brief fun fact, which I didn’t know until college; my high schools song and the Canadian anthem are sung to the same tune. I’m not sure which came first. Just more evidence that they’re infiltrating our society. Anywho, (which I think is a Canadian saying) if you Tweet and want another Twit you can follow me @ThePhilFactor by clicking the Twitter button up there in the left sidebar. As always, if you even smirked a little as you read this please hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below.

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets

Twitter-vs-Facebook1

I’m traveling this week for both vacation and work, so you get some jokes from some other funny people who don’t have blogs. If you don’t Twitter, you should try it. It’s fun! If you aren’t sure how Twitter works, read A Guide to Twitter for The Non Twits. If you want to follow me on Twitter, you can find me @ThePhilFactor

This one is the story of my life:

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

The Great Netflix and Twitter Outage of 2016

67553464

Yesterday the unthinkable happened, if only for a brief while. Both Twitter and Netflix were down for about 90 minutes thanks to a DDoS attack. Thanks? Yes. For 90 glorious minutes the human race reached its infinite potential. Without those two time wasting sites available, productivity in the United States rose by 327%. People actually showed up to work on time and when they got there, all hyped up by their morning coffee and their anxiety about the Netflix and Twitter outage, they were actually productive. In that 90 minutes without Netflix and Twitter cancer was cured and a manned space mission was sent to Mars. I think the space mission may have been an effort by millenials to see if they could get a Netflix or Twitter signal there. Seriously though, if there ever is a manned space mission to Mars, which will take 5 years to get there, there damn well better be Netflix on that flight!

@CulturedRuffian Twitter was down so I had to leave my mom’s basement & go seek validation for my horrible opinions from strangers at the mall.5:08 PM – 21 Oct 2016

When Twitter first went down it was like The Walking Dead except with stupefied people shuffling around the streets shouting out non-sequiturs that were only  140 letters long. It was great! Imagine a world were no one could blather on and on telling you some long idiotic story from a party last night that they think is far funnier than you do.

At first when the outage occurred I was worried about rioting in the streets…

41761423

Apparently there was no rioting because those that didn’t go to work just sat home hitting refresh over and over. Teenagers everywhere also discovered that their tweeting and texting device also has an app that lets then make actual old timey telephone calls like their grandparents did back in the day.

63626730

Ok, enough Twitter jokes. If you’re not a Twitter person because you don’t quite get the whole format, you can read my Guide To Twitter for The Non-Twits, and if you are already on Twitter and you’re not following me, why the hell not? You can find me at @ThePhilFactor of course. Have a great Saturday and feel free to hit the Tweet button below this. ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Laugh Out Loud Funny Tweets

If you’re not on Twitter yet, what are you waiting for? Twitter is the best comedy club and collection of evil geniuses in the world and there’s no cover charge.

4-300x300

@LADaddy: It’s not fair. Straight girls can flirt with other girls. I lick one guy’s ear and suddenly I’m uninvited to the fantasy baseball draft.

@AGreaterMonster: I might not be performing the stripper routine this funeral wants…but it’s the one it needs.

@Alex_N_Chains: The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

Twitter-vs-Facebook1

@Marcmywords2:  You know you’ve had a pretty good week, when the Priest has to excuse himself in middle of your Confession to go Google something.

@FlyJ_: Ugh! I’m not mad at you. -Women when they’re mad at you.

@Ms_WhateverV: Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch “Was it all fun and games up to that point?”

FBvsTw

@1KelliBelle: My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?

@adyaces: We named our daughter after my wife. Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

@thephilfactor: People inside a McDonalds inside a Walmart full of Walmart people is like a giant white trash turducken.

img-thing

@ruinedpicnic: OLYMPIC JUDGE: the routine was good but we were forced to take away points because you shouted ‘watch this shit motherfuckers’ at the start.

Sorry about the salty language in that last one, but I thought it was so funny I couldn’t not put it in the list. Twitter can be overwhelming at first, but you can tailor your feed to give you what you like. I like funny people and people who follow my blog. If you haven’t done Twitter yet, read this Guide to Twitter for the Non-Twits before you jump in. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets

hipster-beethoven-before-twitter

These aren’t the ten funniest tweets I’ve ever read, but they are the ten funniest recent tweets I’m willing to put on my blog. Also, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I’m going to pass a law that if you choose a Twitter name you have to keep it as your legal name forever.

10.  @droidbears:  flight attendant: Sir, are you raising your hand?

                                     me: How do i access the wifi?

                                     FA: I’m doing safety announcements

                                     me: Is that lowercase?

9. @sixfootcandy: I started using extra sensitive toothpaste and now I can’t stop crying.

8. @theCatWhisperer: I get way to many American Eagle emails for someone who graduated from college 15 years ago.

7. @djdarrellripley:  Him: Ok now, remember, whatever is in this suitcase, we split in two.

Me: What if it’s a kitten?

colourbox.com

colourbox.com

6. @sarcasticmommy4: Kids are the reason they invented the 24 hour psychiatric hold.

aea3a6451902aef2aac4163e4bb56298

5. @thatUPSdude:  Judge: Before I sentence you to death do you have any last words?

  Me: He was wearing crocs with socks.

   Judge: Bailiff set this man free!

4. @inkedzombie: My savings account is really just a Crown Royal bag full of change.

Crown-Royal-Bag

3. @TheMichaelRock:  Me: I don’t even like peanut butter on tortilla shells.

Alcohol: Yes you do.

2. @In_Twittaland:  1% battery…

Because I like to live on the

sock-puppet-1

1.  @Dawn_M_: Old enough to know my sock puppet isn’t real, young enough to still kill drifters at his command.

That last tweet is why I love Twitter so much.  If you haven’t signed up for Twitter yet, by all means do so and follow me @ThePhilFactor and I’ll follow you back. If you’re not sure how to “do Twitter”, read this handy little guide I wrote a while ago. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil