A lot of people say “Twitter? I don’t get it.” If you don’t get it, the easiest thing you can do is to follow these ten funny people.
Doctor: Are you a danger to yourself or others?
Me: You mean I have to pick one?
— The Happy Squirrel (@TheHappySquirrl) January 15, 2018
[leaving a smash mouth concert]
wife: did you really think they'd play "All-Star" for an entire hour?
me: *visibly agitated* i guess not
— hornt phteven (@PhriendlyCody) May 11, 2018
Cop: We've found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) May 14, 2018
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i'm a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) May 30, 2018
Anxiety is literally just conspiracy theories about yourself
— Matthew the human trash bag (@trashythisis) May 20, 2018
I took acid once and thought I was rescuing a dog from a burning building but I was just climbing down my bunk bed with a bag of Cheetos.
— Spaced (@Spaced_Cowboy00) May 6, 2018
Your new password must include: a letter, a number, the coordinates for where you lost your virginity, two pieces of garlic bread, the name of your first uncle’s third dog, a color ending in r, your mom’s banana bread recipe and a self-addressed stamped envelope.
— 🦄🧛🏻♀️👻🖤ficklenuts🖤👻🧛🏻♀️🦄 (@ficklenuts) May 4, 2018
Tilapia, the fish of revenge.
He thinks as he hits 2 minutes at full power on the break room microwave.
— Paul (@Grommit56) May 2, 2018
I meant to sign up for Amazon Prime, but accidentally ordered Optimus Prime and now Ive ensured the end of the world with two day delivery
— The Phil Factor (@ThePhilFactor) May 31, 2018
If napping could be weaponized, I would be unstoppable.
— TheAlexNevil, De Niro’s Speech Writer (@TheAlexNevil) May 10, 2018
Now that you’ve started your day with a laugh, have a great Tuesday! ~Phil