Category Archives: Twitter

Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Funny Tweets

A lot of people say “Twitter? I don’t get it.” If you don’t get it, the easiest thing you can do is to follow these ten funny people.

Now that you’ve started your day with a laugh, have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

 

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets

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You know I’m a fan of Twitter and one of my favorite places to hang out is funny Twitter. Funny Twitter you ask? Yes, Funny Twitter. Twitter can be whatever you want and you can find groups of people from all over the world that share your interests. If you have an interest in hand painting the shells of left handed turtles, there’s a Twitter for that. It’s called Hand Painting Left Handed Turtle Shells Twitter! Duh! There’s Democrat Twitter, Republican Twitter, Canadian Twitter and British Twitter. If you belong to a group, there’s a Twitter for you. But my favorite Twitter is the one that commences at 5 p.m. U.S. EST on Friday. It’s Weekend Twitter! There are no holds barred. I will spare you some of the more.. ahem.. interesting tweets from Weekend Twitter. Here are some of my favorite recent tweets:

Have a great Tuesday and follow all these funny people on Twitter. ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Great Tweets!

I like to say things in 500-700 words. I’m not all that great at Twitter, but there are others who have mastered the short form humor. Despite the recent change to 280 characters, there are still people who are brilliantly funny with very little said. Here are some of my recent favorite, laugh out loud tweets:

If you’re one of the people that say, “I just don’t get Twitter, read THIS. You can find me on Twitter @thephilfactor. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons To HATE Social Media

Picture credit: thesocialskinny.com

Picture credit: thesocialskinny.com

10. Bloggers: Ugh. We all think we’re funny, or smart or interesting. Sometimes we are and often times we’re not.This doesn’t apply to me of course, and you guys are all great, really. Shhh…it’s the other bloggers I’m talking about.

9. Twitter snobs: “Oh, you just don’t understand Twitter.” Have you heard this? Really? Sorry, I didn’t realize that Twitter was so complicated. I thought it was just a bunch of dolts making jokes. How could I have been so wrong? So far I haven’t heard of anyone on Twitter curing cancer or splitting the atom. I love my Twitter, but some people think they’re worthy of deity status because of how many followers they have or how many retweets they’ve gotten. Being popular on Twitter is about as impressive as being popular in prison.

Picture credit: themetapicture.com

Picture credit: themetapicture.com

8. Pinterest: Holy crap! I seriously do not care that you pinned a new recipe on your board. What the hell? Why couldn’t you just stick it on Facebook? That’s where all the old people are anyway.

7. Facebook winners: These people think Facebook is a contest to see who has the most fabulous life. If your life is that great why don’t you go live it instead of spending all your time on Facebook?

6. Facebook whiners: Look, sharing some personal stuff is fine. It’s what bonds us together sometimes. But all the time? Hello, boundaries! Guess what? We’re not all here to be your therapist and this isn’t group therapy. Suck it up and pay a professional.

5. The selfie: Truth be told, I’ve taken a few selfies in my time, but in general you just look desperate for attention.

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4. Social media insecurity: Do I have enough followers? Did I get enough likes and comments? I don’t remember, how did we measure our self-worth before social media? That’s right, we didn’t. We just lived our lives and tried to buy a better car than our friends.

3. Time: We all had more of it before social media. Before social media, man went to the moon and found a cure for polio. What have we done since social media? Mostly stupid stuff like drones delivering pizza and inventing the selfie. Seriously though, how cool would a selfie on the moon be? You could have the Earth over your shoulder…Neil Armstrong was a moron for missing that opportunity. He’d probably be more remembered for inventing the selfie.

2. I have to network on LinkedIn: Up until about 5 years ago I had my job, I did it and if I didn’t like it I sent a resume’ somewhere. Now it’s all about networking! Who do you know? Where do you know them from? Who am I connected with? Who are my friends connected with? Who will endorse me? Jeez, work has become work outside of work.

1. Somebody said something mean about…my blog post, my Facebook update, my picture, my political opinion that I voiced, blah, blah, blah, wah, wah, wah. Everyone has an opinion and now they get to broadcast it. There’s people I used to like in real life, and then I became privy to their opinions on everything through social media.

What are your pet peeves about social media?

Ironically, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or reblog button below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Laugh Out Loud Funny Tweets

If you’re not on Twitter yet, what are you waiting for? Twitter is the best comedy club and collection of evil geniuses in the world and there’s no cover charge.

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@LADaddy: It’s not fair. Straight girls can flirt with other girls. I lick one guy’s ear and suddenly I’m uninvited to the fantasy baseball draft.

@AGreaterMonster: I might not be performing the stripper routine this funeral wants…but it’s the one it needs.

@Alex_N_Chains: The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

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@Marcmywords2:  You know you’ve had a pretty good week, when the Priest has to excuse himself in middle of your Confession to go Google something.

@FlyJ_: Ugh! I’m not mad at you. -Women when they’re mad at you.

@Ms_WhateverV: Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch “Was it all fun and games up to that point?”

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@1KelliBelle: My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?

@adyaces: We named our daughter after my wife. Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow

@thephilfactor: People inside a McDonalds inside a Walmart full of Walmart people is like a giant white trash turducken.

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@ruinedpicnic: OLYMPIC JUDGE: the routine was good but we were forced to take away points because you shouted ‘watch this shit motherfuckers’ at the start.

Sorry about the salty language in that last one, but I thought it was so funny I couldn’t not put it in the list. Twitter can be overwhelming at first, but you can tailor your feed to give you what you like. I like funny people and people who follow my blog. If you haven’t done Twitter yet, read this Guide to Twitter for the Non-Twits before you jump in. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets

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These aren’t the ten funniest tweets I’ve ever read, but they are the ten funniest recent tweets I’m willing to put on my blog. Also, when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I’m going to pass a law that if you choose a Twitter name you have to keep it as your legal name forever.

10.  @droidbears:  flight attendant: Sir, are you raising your hand?

                                     me: How do i access the wifi?

                                     FA: I’m doing safety announcements

                                     me: Is that lowercase?

9. @sixfootcandy: I started using extra sensitive toothpaste and now I can’t stop crying.

8. @theCatWhisperer: I get way to many American Eagle emails for someone who graduated from college 15 years ago.

7. @djdarrellripley:  Him: Ok now, remember, whatever is in this suitcase, we split in two.

Me: What if it’s a kitten?

colourbox.com

colourbox.com

6. @sarcasticmommy4: Kids are the reason they invented the 24 hour psychiatric hold.

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5. @thatUPSdude:  Judge: Before I sentence you to death do you have any last words?

  Me: He was wearing crocs with socks.

   Judge: Bailiff set this man free!

4. @inkedzombie: My savings account is really just a Crown Royal bag full of change.

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3. @TheMichaelRock:  Me: I don’t even like peanut butter on tortilla shells.

Alcohol: Yes you do.

2. @In_Twittaland:  1% battery…

Because I like to live on the

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1.  @Dawn_M_: Old enough to know my sock puppet isn’t real, young enough to still kill drifters at his command.

That last tweet is why I love Twitter so much.  If you haven’t signed up for Twitter yet, by all means do so and follow me @ThePhilFactor and I’ll follow you back. If you’re not sure how to “do Twitter”, read this handy little guide I wrote a while ago. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Funniest Tweets I Read Last Week

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Sadly, none of these were written by me. I love my Twitter though. If I was still doing stand-up I’d be stealing from Twitter all the time. In no particular order of funniness, here are ten tweets that made me laugh this week.

@Quartzjixler: Fifty Shades of Grey? See it all the time. – dogs

@AnAbsurdBird: I only go to the gym this time of day cos *all the pensioners in make me look like a badass, *some of, *OK! Just that guy with the dodgy hip.

@SamGrittner: POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

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@Sasshole: I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body. Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

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@HeyZeus666: *starts hot tub time machine*

*goes back 3 hours in time*

*saves fifteen bucks by not going to see Hot Tub Time Machine*

@SardonicTart: If God is real, then explain why the weekend is only two days

@Ryncasaurus: Woman: what colour are my eyes?

Man: white

W: what? White??

M: oh. Sorry. That’s the only part we see when you’re always rolling                                 them at us.

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@biclops72: The Grinch’s prostate was also 3 sizes too big

@CatherineLMK: Oh, so if a baby takes 3 steps and falls over, everyone goes nuts. But if I do it I’m “an embarrassment” and “ruining your son’s birthday”?

Like I said, I love my Twitter, but not everyone “gets” Twitter. If you aren’t a tweeter but would like to understand it a little better, read my post from last fall,  A Guide to Twitter for the Non-Twits.  If you are on Twitter and I’m not following you yet, follow me @ThePhilFactor and I’ll follow you back. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil