Yes, I am going to make jokes about a disaster that killed over a thousand. Too soon? It was 79 A.D. The statute of limitations is up. The Pompeii victims that were frozen in place by volcanic lava and ash have always fascinated me. A thousand years ago there were no cell phone cameras to capture a moment in time, but a volcano did it. But why was that moment in time frozen? Look at that guy above sitting there. I’ll tell you what, if lava and ash are filling my town I’m running away. If I ever do get frozen in time by a volcano I’ll be in the midst of running. Here are ten things I won’t be frozen in time doing:
10. Sitting on the toilet: This one is every one’s first thought so I decided to get it out of the way first. Most wives are also thinking that their husbands will never get frozen in time changing the toilet paper roll either.
9. Staring at my phone: If a volcano erupted now, millions of people would probably be lava encrusted statues staring at their lava encrusted cell phones. Or, can you imagine how many people would be frozen in lava as they waited for their phones to charge? As the lava creeps closer they’d stand there staring at their tethered phones, ‘”C’mon, just get over 50%!”
8. Sleeping: Seriously, if rock heated to a temperature high enough to liquefy it were to just touch my toe, even a little, I would wake up, hop out of bed, and run away. I’m a pro at this from all the times as kids that my brother and I pretended the floor was lava and we jumped from one piece of furniture to another.
7. Watching TV: How embarrassing would it be to be frozen in time in front of the television. Especially if the TV was frozen in time too and everyone knew you were watching The Real Housewives of Orange County.
6. Nose Picking: Sure, I wouldn’t want to be frozen for eternity while digging for gold in my nostril, but I imagine that if you’re breathing in a lot of volcanic ash you might want to clear your nasal passages, making it very likely you’d be frozen like that. Ironic, don’tcha think?
5. Trying On Halloween Costumes: What if I’m in my basement going through old Halloween costumes when I’m frozen in time. Museum docent leading a tour in the future: “And this statue is of the early 21st century heroic vigilante known as Batman.”
4. Blinking: Like the person who always has at least one eye closed in every picture, I imagine a few folks would get caught with their eyes closed. Not me. I’ll keep my eyes wide open, even if they’re melting.
3. Taking My Dog Out To Poop: You know how your dog has to walk back and forth and turn around for ten minutes just to get the right spot to poop? Yeah, I’m not getting frozen in time waiting for my dog to go. When the neighborhood volcano blows up, I’m just letting the dog out to fend for herself. Sorry, but you know if the roles were reversed all our dogs would run away and leave us.
2. Kissing: As much as I love my loved ones, I’m not willing to be frozen in time kissing them. Sure, it makes for a romantic statue, but I’d rather run like hell and kiss whoever ran with me when we get to high ground.
1. Sex: Sure, if you know you might not make it, your instinct might be to go out on a high note, but lets face it, none of us look as good as we really want to when we’re naked. When that lava fills my bedroom I’m keeping the lights and my pants on.
So, what wouldn’t you want to be doing when you get frozen in time?
Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Hilarious! I would be one running just like you if the lava hits! 😉
Awesome list! There’s no bodily function I’d want to be caught performing!
Maybe you or I would be frozen in time drinking whiskey. I’m looking forward to your post today and tonight I will try whatever whiskey that you write about.
*clinking glasses* oops! stuck together! It’s Canadian whiskey today!
Do you recommend neat or on the rocks?
I drink the Crown on the rocks. No water though, the ice dilutes it enough.
Then that will be my drink tonight!
Two thumbs up!
I know a little more about you now, like your choice of TV programme and the fact you like to dress up in costumes in your basement.
What would I not like to be doing? Listening to music using those little spongy ear bud things. I’d say that sex was a pretty damn awesome way to go but then again, I wouldn’t want it to be my last time.
I’d like to not be without my dog. Wherever I go, she’ll follow. Unlike you, I’d have to take her along.
I have a bike by my bed and so I’d like to be able to think I could fly by the time the imaginary volcano in my garden, erupts. I’d like to not be anywhere near a turkey farm. Can you imagine the noise?
I wouldn’t want to be typing on my laptop or shaving my necessary bits. How would that look in 100 years from now? Not like I was shaving, that’s for sure.
I would have gone on an obnoxious soapbox rant about not needing to shave those necessary bits, but instead I was too busy laughing at your “Not like I was shaving…”.
I will be running away. That’s for sure. That’s the only way I’m to be found frozen..mid run. Everything else goes to the Don’t list.:-)
Oh what an unpleasant frozen fate
To be talking to someone I really hate
Dancing like I’m in Saturday Night Fever
Or watching a concert by Justine Bieber.
I would not want to be frozen in lava while at my day job. It’s bad enough I have to be there 40 hours a week. To be frozen there for eternity? Gross injustice.
LOL that’s a really good one!
I could be ok with doing 1,2,4 or 8. Especially if the sex is good.
I hope I’m not peeling potatoes, making tea, or changing the toilet paper roll, because I often feel like that’s all I ever do! lol
I’d rather like to be having a strop!
Sitting at a keyboard cause I would have to blog goodbye.
That’s a great idea! I hope you get to hit send in time!
Really? And have history record:
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGHHHH !!!!!!!!!” ?
Phil, every single one of these made me laugh.
10–that toilet paper roll crack. So true!
8–YOU did the lava bed-jumping, too? Did everyone do this? I’d totally forgotten about it until your post. We did it because of Journey to the Center of the Earth. What do you think triggered it for you guys?
4–“I’ll keep my eyes open, even if they’re melting.” Hah, hah, hah!!
1–Truth. Although, the Pompei casts don’t preserve that much detail, so OTOH, maybe I WOULD want to be preserved. “Dang! Whoever she was, she was flexible.” (Hah!)
That thing about the pants: In my first earthquake, I was pantsless, and I’m sittin’ there, debating: “Should I take the time to put on my pants, even if it means I get trapped under a beam and die?” No brainer. Answer: YES.
Yeah, I’d grab pants too. If it’s lava I’d figure it’s not going to sneak up on me too quickly.
Definitely wouldn’t want to be having sex – just imagine the “wet patch” 😱
LMAO! You are too funny!
I’m too rude! 😁
Same thing! And you obviously wake up way too early like me. I assume you’re on the East coast?
I’m actually in England but work night shift hence the odd hours posting 😊
I’m just not good at sleeping, hence my early comments and posts. Where in England are you?
Northamptonshire, which is in the Midlands, about an hour from Oxford – are you familiar with England?
I’m a little familiar with the geography. I’ve been to London once, learned a bit from other UK bloggers and a couple guys that work for my company are from England as well.
England is great – apart from the weather of course 😁
The winter weather is actually worse than England’s where I live, but the summers are better.
Where are you? Do you have snow in winter? Our winters are just freezing cold and bloody miserable. Great excitement if we get a little dusting of snow 😁
We get a lot of snow. Got about 6 inches last night. I’m in upstate New York.
Wow! We had snow here last Sunday – it had disappeared by Monday 😄
I’m going to get back for another visit there in the next year or two.
Look us up when you visit England 😁
Killing someone I mean talk about being caught red handed
That would be bad!
killing someone? Or being frozen doing so?
Both! At that point if both are going to be frozen in lava, why even kill the other person?
Maybe they were to preoccupied to notice the flaming lava coming towards them. Serial killer in a basement? If it was me, it would be pushing them back in a kind of the fastest is the least likely to die zombie scenario. 😉