Yes, I am going to make jokes about a disaster that killed over a thousand. Too soon? It was 79 A.D. The statute of limitations is up. The Pompeii victims that were frozen in place by volcanic lava and ash have always fascinated me. A thousand years ago there were no cell phone cameras to capture a moment in time, but a volcano did it. But why was that moment in time frozen? Look at that guy above sitting there. I’ll tell you what, if lava and ash are filling my town I’m running away. If I ever do get frozen in time by a volcano I’ll be in the midst of running. Here are ten things I won’t be frozen in time doing:
10. Sitting on the toilet: This one is every one’s first thought so I decided to get it out of the way first. Most wives are also thinking that their husbands will never get frozen in time changing the toilet paper roll either.
9. Staring at my phone: If a volcano erupted now, millions of people would probably be lava encrusted statues staring at their lava encrusted cell phones. Or, can you imagine how many people would be frozen in lava as they waited for their phones to charge? As the lava creeps closer they’d stand there staring at their tethered phones, ‘”C’mon, just get over 50%!”
8. Sleeping: Seriously, if rock heated to a temperature high enough to liquefy it were to just touch my toe, even a little, I would wake up, hop out of bed, and run away. I’m a pro at this from all the times as kids that my brother and I pretended the floor was lava and we jumped from one piece of furniture to another.
Picture courtesy of New Line Cinema
7. Watching TV: How embarrassing would it be to be frozen in time in front of the television. Especially if the TV was frozen in time too and everyone knew you were watching The Real Housewives of Orange County.
6. Nose Picking: Sure, I wouldn’t want to be frozen for eternity while digging for gold in my nostril, but I imagine that if you’re breathing in a lot of volcanic ash you might want to clear your nasal passages, making it very likely you’d be frozen like that. Ironic, don’tcha think?
5. Trying On Halloween Costumes: What if I’m in my basement going through old Halloween costumes when I’m frozen in time. Museum docent leading a tour in the future: “And this statue is of the early 21st century heroic vigilante known as Batman.”
4. Blinking: Like the person who always has at least one eye closed in every picture, I imagine a few folks would get caught with their eyes closed. Not me. I’ll keep my eyes wide open, even if they’re melting.
Of course he couldn’t get away. Someone locked him in a glass box!
3. Taking My Dog Out To Poop: You know how your dog has to walk back and forth and turn around for ten minutes just to get the right spot to poop? Yeah, I’m not getting frozen in time waiting for my dog to go. When the neighborhood volcano blows up, I’m just letting the dog out to fend for herself. Sorry, but you know if the roles were reversed all our dogs would run away and leave us.
2. Kissing: As much as I love my loved ones, I’m not willing to be frozen in time kissing them. Sure, it makes for a romantic statue, but I’d rather run like hell and kiss whoever ran with me when we get to high ground.
1. Sex: Sure, if you know you might not make it, your instinct might be to go out on a high note, but lets face it, none of us look as good as we really want to when we’re naked. When that lava fills my bedroom I’m keeping the lights and my pants on.
So, what wouldn’t you want to be doing when you get frozen in time?
Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
