If you’re not on Twitter yet, what are you waiting for? Twitter is the best comedy club and collection of evil geniuses in the world and there’s no cover charge.
@LADaddy: It’s not fair. Straight girls can flirt with other girls. I lick one guy’s ear and suddenly I’m uninvited to the fantasy baseball draft.
@AGreaterMonster: I might not be performing the stripper routine this funeral wants…but it’s the one it needs.
@Alex_N_Chains: The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
@Marcmywords2: You know you’ve had a pretty good week, when the Priest has to excuse himself in middle of your Confession to go Google something.
@FlyJ_: Ugh! I’m not mad at you. -Women when they’re mad at you.
@Ms_WhateverV: Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch “Was it all fun and games up to that point?”
@1KelliBelle: My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?
@adyaces: We named our daughter after my wife. Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow
@thephilfactor: People inside a McDonalds inside a Walmart full of Walmart people is like a giant white trash turducken.
@ruinedpicnic: OLYMPIC JUDGE: the routine was good but we were forced to take away points because you shouted ‘watch this shit motherfuckers’ at the start.
Sorry about the salty language in that last one, but I thought it was so funny I couldn’t not put it in the list. Twitter can be overwhelming at first, but you can tailor your feed to give you what you like. I like funny people and people who follow my blog. If you haven’t done Twitter yet, read this Guide to Twitter for the Non-Twits before you jump in. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Really funny! My favs were: yours and Marcmywords2.
Thanks for liking mine! Are you on Twitter?
Yours was comedy gold! I am. I’m one of your ‘followers’ 😉
Am following you? What’s your Twitter name?
You are not following me. And I’ve been meaning to bring it to your attention. Kidding. You can find me at samdfb1
On my way to follow you now!
Now the pressure is on. I expect some great tweets from you !
So.much.pressure! Will try my best!
I’m a huge fan of Twitter now – just didn’t get it when I joined five years ago (I was firmly a Facebook girl) but since I’ve started blogging, I love it. And I completely agree with that picture tweet by @shaylamaddox 👏🏼 – Facebook angers me now!
I’ve only just enough time for my blog, so sadly…won’t be twittering.
Oh my god the eye patch one! 😀 I love Twitter!
Yeah, that eye patch one had been retweeted thousands of times. I so wish I had a tweet that did that
I’ve never tweeted anything funny. I guess my sense of humor can’t be contained in 140 characters! 😀
That must be it. My best tweet ever is the one I included in this post. I know my tweets are funny. I blame my followers for being lazy about retweeting.
I retweeted your tweet. I think of it every time I drive past Walmart! 😀
oooook – maybe I should give Twitter another try. There is just so much dross to sift through to find the gems. It overwhelms my short attention span.
… but these were really funny. RuinedPicnic made me laugh out loud 😀
Me too. I see that one two months ago, saved it for this, and I still laugh at it
That’s what happens when they forget to use their inside voice 😉
Ahem, I don’t see any of mine?
Then you must need to try harder! Not just anyone can make the cut!
Am I following you on Twitter? What’s your Twitter name so I can check?
If only I could tweet my twits
With such sense of sardonic wit.
I’m pretty sure that you could
LOL Phil. I loved the little girl turns 5 one.
Thanks for the laugh, Phil. That line about Facebook and Twitter is perfect. And the Olympic judge line is hilarious. I’m ok with colorful language 🙂
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