If you’re not on Twitter yet, what are you waiting for? Twitter is the best comedy club and collection of evil geniuses in the world and there’s no cover charge.
@LADaddy: It’s not fair. Straight girls can flirt with other girls. I lick one guy’s ear and suddenly I’m uninvited to the fantasy baseball draft.
@AGreaterMonster: I might not be performing the stripper routine this funeral wants…but it’s the one it needs.
@Alex_N_Chains: The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
@Marcmywords2: You know you’ve had a pretty good week, when the Priest has to excuse himself in middle of your Confession to go Google something.
@FlyJ_: Ugh! I’m not mad at you. -Women when they’re mad at you.
@Ms_WhateverV: Is it wrong to ask someone with an eye patch “Was it all fun and games up to that point?”
@1KelliBelle: My therapist said I have acute personality disorder. I was like I know, right?
@adyaces: We named our daughter after my wife. Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow
@thephilfactor: People inside a McDonalds inside a Walmart full of Walmart people is like a giant white trash turducken.
@ruinedpicnic: OLYMPIC JUDGE: the routine was good but we were forced to take away points because you shouted ‘watch this shit motherfuckers’ at the start.
Sorry about the salty language in that last one, but I thought it was so funny I couldn’t not put it in the list. Twitter can be overwhelming at first, but you can tailor your feed to give you what you like. I like funny people and people who follow my blog. If you haven’t done Twitter yet, read this Guide to Twitter for the Non-Twits before you jump in. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil