Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets

I’m traveling this week for both vacation and work, so you get some jokes from some other funny people who don’t have blogs. If you don’t Twitter, you should try it. It’s fun! If you aren’t sure how Twitter works, read A Guide to Twitter for The Non Twits. If you want to follow me on Twitter, you can find me @ThePhilFactor

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

— Andrew W Chamings (@AndrewChamings) January 10, 2017

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 10, 2017

This one is the story of my life:

HONEY YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND THE PRESSURE I FEEL TO WRITE FUNNY SHIT FOR FREE FOR PEOPLE I’VE NEVER MET… fine, it does sound stupid out loud.

— Melvin of York (@MelvinofYork) January 18, 2012

The 3 stages of Life:
1. Birth
2. Am I doing this right?
3. Death

— ⒸⒽⓇⒾⓈⓉⒾⓃⒶ (@ChristinaLeek) December 9, 2016

So my wife discovered I keep writing "please help me" in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I'm not allowed to have checks.

— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) January 4, 2017

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) December 30, 2015

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She'll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

— Twin Dad (@TwinSurvivalist) January 3, 2017

[divorce settlement]
JUDGE: Your ex-wife is claiming you have spent her money extravagantly

ME: [Segways up to mic] She's lying

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) May 16, 2016

Facebook: Keeping fake friendships on life support long after they've flatlined

— Phil Taylor (@ThePhilFactor) December 31, 2016

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) February 29, 2016

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

10 responses to “Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets”

Marissa Bergen | January 17, 2017 at 10:06 am | Reply

If I tweeted it would never
Come out nearly half so clever.

Loading...
- Phil Taylor | January 17, 2017 at 10:24 am | Reply
  
  Don’t be sad, don’t be bitter, there’s a whole lot of poets on Twitter
  
  Loading...
  - Marissa Bergen | January 19, 2017 at 5:15 pm |
    
    that is practically unheard
    To make rhymes with so little words?
    
    Loading...
John W. Howell | January 17, 2017 at 1:20 pm | Reply

LOL. I have to slow down and read some of the Twitter bards.

Loading...
- Phil Taylor | January 17, 2017 at 2:28 pm | Reply
  
  I wish I was half as funny as most of the people I follow on Twitter
  
  Loading...
  - John W. Howell | January 17, 2017 at 5:47 pm |
    
    Where do you find the funny ones?
    
    Loading...
  - Phil Taylor | January 18, 2017 at 5:01 am |
    
    If you find one, then Twittter will recommend others like that one, or often people retweet others and you see themin your timeline and can choose to follow them.
    
    Loading...
  - John W. Howell | January 18, 2017 at 9:03 am |
    
    Thanks.
    
    Loading...
laurascrochetedgifts | January 17, 2017 at 10:28 pm | Reply

I love the checks one!

Loading...
AprilEsutton | January 18, 2017 at 8:48 pm | Reply

What a fun collection.

Loading...