My Text Fight With Donald Trump


Me and the Donald are going to have words. Well, maybe not words. Maybe just text abbreviations and emojis. In 2006, Congress passed the Warning, Alert, and Network Response act which allows every cell phone in the United States to get a text message warning of one of three types: A) Amber alerts when a child is missing and/or presumed kidnapped, B) Alerts involving imminent threats to safety or life. or C) Alerts issued by the President.

Yes, that’s right. The man who once tweeted:


and also tweeted:


Yes, that man will be able to text us all. The man is an artiste, is he not? He has a gift for language and I for one can’t wait to receive texts from him on a daily basis. Here’s how I imagine our first text conversation will go:

(As you read this imagine Donald Trumps voice)

From President Donald Trump: All Americans, there is an imminent danger that I am compelled to warn you about. Please disregard a little known blog called #ThePhilFactor. The content provided there about me is incorrect and Phil is a stupid jerk.

Phil: Hey Donald! What’s up? What’s your beef with me?

From President Donald J. Trump: Of course I knew you’d respond. Ur a self-serving attention whore who will do and say anything to get people to like u.


Phil: Donald, umm…. did you listen to your campaign?

From President Donald J. Trump: Look, u and I both know I can’t deliver on any of the ridiculous things I said during the campaign, but the rest of those losers, the Ma & Pa Kettles of middle America are dumb as rocks. We’d be better off if I put a wall up around them. It would be easy. We could probably trap them all in the Walmart on a Saturday afternoon.

Phil: So now you want to keep the Americans out of America?

From President Donald Trump: Yes. Absolutely. Look what they’ve done to the country. If Americans and immigrants hadn’t ruined this country, we wouldn’t have to make it great again!

Phil: Isn’t your wife an immigrant? She’s from Slovenia right?


From President Donald Trump: Oh u think ur so funny don’t you? U and Saturday Night Live think ur so funny when you mock me. Neither of u are funny or relevant any more.

Phil: Saturday Night Live? The American institution that’s been on TV since 1977 and has mocked every President since Gerald Ford? Not funny?

Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump

Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump

From President Donald Trump: Yes, all comedians who make a mockery of the political process should be banned.

Phil: Did you say comedians or Canadians?

From President Donald Trump: Both. Most comedians are Canadians and they’re both foreigners. We should ban them all from our great country of North America.

Phil: The country of North America?

From President Donald Trump: Yes. Part of making America great again is making it bigger. We should have all of America. North and South America should all be ours so we can be bigger than Russia & China.

Phil: You do realize that this is a group text to the whole country, right?

From President Donald Trump: Shut up Phil. Bloggers. Bloggers too. I’m going to put a wall around all of you. I have to go. Me and Putin have a couples massage at 1:00 😉

Tell me, does that conversation seem far fetched at all? Having the ability to text everyone at once is pretty cool though. I think it would also be great for my blog. I could text all of you to let you know when I post, and after you read you could text me your comments. So from today forward, please leave your cell number in the comments section so I can start compiling a group text for us.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

33 responses to “My Text Fight With Donald Trump

  1. I want a wall! Please, please can we have a wall! Canadians everywhere sympathize with you.

  2. I’ll block my number from Trump
    And hope that would do it
    But he wasn’t entirely wrong
    About Kristen Stewart.

  3. “Couples massage” LOL

  4. Hysterical! So, two questions.
    1: “C) Alerts issued by the President.” Is this actually true?
    2) If the above is true, is there an opt out number, like for obnoxious direct marketing calls?

  5. A laugh out loud post, Phil. Walling off Walmarts gave me a great visual. Seriously, I’m afraid that I’m turning more and more to comedy for a lighter spin on the news to deal with the “Can you believe this ?” moments. Anita

  6. I am no fan of Trump, and I am a foreigner not living in the US of A, but maybe Trump is going to be the wake up call needed.

  7. I think I’ll be joining you. Trump won’t like my blogs either.

  8. You are so funny. I find myself asking the universe often how we got here, I’ve yet to get a reply

  9. For some reason, I have failed to remember my number! 😉

  10. Haha I love the idea of a text conversation going on between you and Trump (you know that “Trump” means ‘fart’ in the UK, don’t you? I just thought you might enjoy that nugget of information, if you didn’t know it already). I digress. My phone number is +44 1234 555. I look forward to your texts.

  11. angelanoelauthor

    I just read thebeasley’s comment and I sincerely look forward to The Phil Factor post where every time “Trump” is mentioned “Fart” is in it’s place. President Fart. Oh my.
    Also, I get the feeling you could have gone on for ten more pages of back and forth between you and the Pres. I think it’s possible you and he could have a grudge match. My money’s on you to win the popular vote. But he’ll sweep the judges.

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