Last week the entire population of the United States, except me, was thrown into a nutritional panic when the Centers For Disease Control sent out a dire warning about ALL Romaine lettuce being contaminated by E. Coli, or in other words, poop.
The current President of the United States, confused about the origin of Romaine lettuce, declared war on Romania tweeting, “If THE Romanians think THEY can bring the GREAT United States to their knees by pooping on our lettuce they have ANOTHER thing coming! Fake news! Covfefe! I hereby declare war on Romania!”
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “Although Romaine lettuce doesn’t specifically or directly come from Romania, (then she rolled her eyes and sighed heavily) the President has decided to take no chances in his efforts to protect the American people from (using finger quotes) “biology warfare.”
According to reports from the White House, Donald Trump has mobilized troops to the border of Romania. Trumps attempted invasion of Romania was stymied when U.S. troops discovered that Romania has put up a wall to keep foreigners out. The irony was lost on Trump who immediately accused the Romanians of stealing his idea.
You know the routine. In the comments tell me which quotes you think belong to Donald Trump and which belong to Kanye West.
10. “I’m too busy writing history to read it.”
9. “When you’re the absolute best you get hated the most.”
8. “…we build a school, we build a road, they blow up the school, we build another school, we build another road, they blow them up, we build again. In the meantime we can’t get a fucking school in Brooklyn.”
Next week do I go with Donald Trump vs. Shrek quotes?
7. “I have millions of ideas and I represent a new generation just trying to express themselves in a broken world. I will go down as the voice of this generation, of this decade. I am so credible and so influential and so relevant that I will change things.”
6. “You know what, Trump is doing a much better job than the Democrats did.”
5. “I hate when I’m on a flight and I wake up with a water bottle next to me like oh great now I gotta be responsible for this water bottle.”
4. “I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.”
3.“I hate it. I am a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I am a traditionalist.”
2. “When you hear about slavery for 400 years…For 400 years? That sounds like a choice.”
1. “It’s really cold outside, they are calling it a major freeze, weeks ahead of normal. Man, we could use a big fat dose of global warming!”
There you go. Can you pick which quotes are Donald Trump and which are Kanye West? Have a great Saturday! ~Phil
I’m only using “Dear” in the most traditional sense, not because I have an affection for you, but because it is traditional and respectful to start a letter that way. Traditional and respectful are both things with which you seem unfamiliar. I have taken it upon myself to write this letter to you on behalf of the rest of the human race. Yes, I said the rest of the human race, as if we are separate from you. Your words and actions seem to indicate that you are very separate from us.
To borrow from George Bailey, on behalf of the human race, I’d like to say: Just remember this, Mr. Potter Trump, that this rabble you’re talking about, they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community country. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn’t think so. People were human beings to him, but to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they’re cattle. Well, in my book he died a much richer man than you’ll ever be.
Designating myself to represent the rest of the human race may seem arrogant on my part, but I assume that is a characteristic that you understand and respect. I know that you always think that you’re the smartest guy in the room, but the smartest guy in any room is never smarter than the rest of the room together. I’d like to see you get you’re hearing problem checked out. You’re an older man and you seem to have significant trouble hearing your advisers, your cabinet members, and the American people telling you to shut the eff up. Maybe if you aren’t good at listening, you’ll be good at reading. Maybe people will like this blog post so much that it gets retweeted to you. That’s a medium you seem to understand.
You seem fixated on North Korea and their crazy dictator right now. That’s valid. They pose a danger to the rest of the world if they start launching nuclear missiles. You and Kim Jong-Un are trading verbal nuclear missiles right now like two junior high bullies in a pissing contest. How about, for a change, you be the adult in this one. With all your “fire and fury” and “Locked and loaded” comments, do you know who you sound like? You sound like Kim Jong-Un, a crazy, irrational dictator. In the words of President Teddy Roosevelt, “speak softly and carry a big stick.” Look, we’re the United States. Everyone knows we have the big stick. We have the worlds largest arsenal and the worlds largest military force. You have the big stick and everybody, including Kim Jong-Un knows it. Just shut the eff up and take care of the problem the way your cabinet and advisers, except your son-in law, tell you to.
As for your domestic agenda, what is it? Is it to reverse everything your predecessor did? That seems to be all you’re doing. Like Richard Gere’s character in Pretty Woman learned, if you want to be remembered, build something. If you just destroy without replacing you’ll have a hole. And people will regard you as one as well.
If you want to act like a dictator, go back to a reality TV show. In the real world, your act doesn’t work. Name one real life crazy dictator that had a reign that ended well? You know, if you don’t like this President job, you can resign. Nobody will think worse of you. It’s impossible to. If your ridiculous behavior continues, it’s possible the American people will say, to borrow a phrase from a clown I saw on TV, “You’re fired!”
Me and the Donald are going to have words. Well, maybe not words. Maybe just text abbreviations and emojis. In 2006, Congress passed the Warning, Alert, and Network Response act which allows every cell phone in the United States to get a text message warning of one of three types: A) Amber alerts when a child is missing and/or presumed kidnapped, B) Alerts involving imminent threats to safety or life. or C)Alerts issued by the President.
Yes, that’s right. The man who once tweeted:
and also tweeted:
Yes, that man will be able to text us all. The man is an artiste, is he not? He has a gift for language and I for one can’t wait to receive texts from him on a daily basis. Here’s how I imagine our first text conversation will go:
(As you read this imagine Donald Trumps voice)
From President Donald Trump: All Americans, there is an imminent danger that I am compelled to warn you about. Please disregard a little known blog called #ThePhilFactor. The content provided there about me is incorrect and Phil is a stupid jerk.
Phil: Hey Donald! What’s up? What’s your beef with me?
From President Donald J. Trump: Of course I knew you’d respond. Ur a self-serving attention whore who will do and say anything to get people to like u.
Phil: Donald, umm…. did you listen to your campaign?
From President Donald J. Trump: Look, u and I both know I can’t deliver on any of the ridiculous things I said during the campaign, but the rest of those losers, the Ma & Pa Kettles of middle America are dumb as rocks. We’d be better off if I put a wall up around them. It would be easy. We could probably trap them all in the Walmart on a Saturday afternoon.
Phil: So now you want to keep the Americans out of America?
From President Donald Trump: Yes. Absolutely. Look what they’ve done to the country. If Americans and immigrants hadn’t ruined this country, we wouldn’t have to make it great again!
Phil: Isn’t your wife an immigrant? She’s from Slovenia right?
From President Donald Trump: Oh u think ur so funny don’t you? U and Saturday Night Live think ur so funny when you mock me. Neither of u are funny or relevant any more.
Phil: Saturday Night Live? The American institution that’s been on TV since 1977 and has mocked every President since Gerald Ford? Not funny?
Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump
From President Donald Trump: Yes, all comedians who make a mockery of the political process should be banned.
Phil: Did you say comedians or Canadians?
From President Donald Trump: Both. Most comedians are Canadians and they’re both foreigners. We should ban them all from our great country of North America.
Phil: The country of North America?
From President Donald Trump: Yes. Part of making America great again is making it bigger. We should have all of America. North and South America should all be oursso we can be bigger than Russia & China.
Phil: You do realize that this is a group text to the whole country, right?
From President Donald Trump: Shut up Phil. Bloggers. Bloggers too. I’m going to put a wall around all of you. I have to go. Me and Putin have a couples massage at 1:00 😉
Tell me, does that conversation seem far fetched at all? Having the ability to text everyone at once is pretty cool though. I think it would also be great for my blog. I could text all of you to let you know when I post, and after you read you could text me your comments. So from today forward, please leave your cell number in the comments section so I can start compiling a group text for us.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.