Last week the entire population of the United States, except me, was thrown into a nutritional panic when the Centers For Disease Control sent out a dire warning about ALL Romaine lettuce being contaminated by E. Coli, or in other words, poop.
The current President of the United States, confused about the origin of Romaine lettuce, declared war on Romania tweeting, “If THE Romanians think THEY can bring the GREAT United States to their knees by pooping on our lettuce they have ANOTHER thing coming! Fake news! Covfefe! I hereby declare war on Romania!”
Daily Kos
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “Although Romaine lettuce doesn’t specifically or directly come from Romania, (then she rolled her eyes and sighed heavily) the President has decided to take no chances in his efforts to protect the American people from (using finger quotes) “biology warfare.”
According to reports from the White House, Donald Trump has mobilized troops to the border of Romania. Trumps attempted invasion of Romania was stymied when U.S. troops discovered that Romania has put up a wall to keep foreigners out. The irony was lost on Trump who immediately accused the Romanians of stealing his idea.
When the TV show The Big Bang Theory came on the air I thought to myself, “Sure this is amusing, but how many nerd jokes can there be?” Apparently 12 years worth was the answer to my question. In the show, Sheldon Cooper is almost a tyrant to his roommates and friends, insisting they comply with his sometimes ridiculous demands. CBS thought it was so funny that they created another show, Young Sheldon, based on the idea of showing the childhood of quirky character Sheldon Cooper.
I feel like we have another show in the United States featuring a quirky tyrant called The U.S. Presidency. That got me to thinking, if there could be a Young Sheldon, I wonder what a young Donald would be like?
Young Donald: Dad, the kids from next door keep coming into our yard and playing on my swings.
Daddy Trump: You should build a wall to keep them out.
Young Donald: But I don’t have the money for all the materials. Hmm… I know, I’ll make them pay for it!
Daddy Trump: That’s my boy!
Young Donald: (getting a feverish look in his eyes) Yes! And I’ll lock the younger kids in our dog kennel!
Daddy Trump: Ummm…Donny…
Young Donald in school at lunch:
Other Kid: Hey Donny, I”l trade you my tuna-fish sandwich for your ham sandwich.
Young Donald: First of all, don’t call me Donny. Don’t do that. Don’t ever do that. You can trade me your tuna-fish sandwich, but you’re going to have to pay me a Twinkie tax as well.
Or maybe Young Donald in debate club:
Young Kim Jong-Un: Donald, you have to stop threatening to fight my school. This is debate club. You can’t say you’re going to obliterate my school.
Young Donald: Fake News! If you try to oppose me I will rain down fire and fury on your school!
Young Kim Jong-Un: Dude, lighten up. What are you talking about? WTF is ‘fake news’?
Young Donald: You know what? If you don’t back down I’m going to come over to your school to tell you how wrong you are.
That’s it for today everybody. Have a great rest of your weekend! And CBS, I hope you don’t sue me for borrowing the picture and your show idea.
Could it happen? Oprah as President with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as the second in command? It sounds ridiculous, but it’s not as far fetched as it may seem, and it may not be a bad thing.
First get over the fact that I, as a psychic soothsayer, predicted Oprah as President in this postfrom 2011 and three weeks ago predicted Dwayne Johnson would run for a Florida senate seat in 2018 in my psychic predictions for 2018 . (Also, this just came to me, a new addition to my 2018 psychic predictions: Meghan Markle, the new Duchess of Something or Other, will get pregnant. It may be announced late in 2018 or early in 2019.)
Some people are up in arms about another TV personality running for public office. Many people are thinking, “Why do we need another ego-driven, no political experience, blowhard in office?”
Guess what? I think that’s exactly what we need in office. I lived through it once already and it wasn’t so bad. When I was a kid, Ronald Reagan was elected President of the United States. And guess what? Back then everybody felt pretty good about it. I think we all felt pretty good about it specifically because he had been an actor! We didn’t think to ourselves, “Oh great a B-list actor from the 1950’s is our President!” What I believe we liked was his ability to appear Presidential and speak in a very Presidential manner. He acted like a President. His State of the Union addresses seemed like it was your grandfather sitting the country on his knee and telling you that no matter how many nuclear weapons the Russians had you should just have your milk and cookies and go to bed because he was going to make everything alright.
Ronald Reagan may have been a pioneer, as far as politics go, when he first was elected to public office, but he certainly wasn’t the last:
Four terms as Congressman
California Governor 8 years
Former Governor of Minnesota
He played a District Attorney on Law & Order while he was a Senator!
See? Some Hollywood types have successfully segued into the political arena without doing permanent harm to the country’s collective psyche. And, admit it, there have even been times that you’ve thought to yourself that you could be a better leader of the country than whoever was in charge. You imagine yourself filling your cabinet with the wisest, most experienced minds in the land, and you would hear and consider their counsel before making wise decisions.
Don’t you want someone running our country who might just take that approach and give kick ass speeches that make us feel good? I do. That’s why I’m running for President in 2020 against any and all Hollywood types that choose to show up. If a goofy old actor or exaggerated real estate salesman can be President, why can’t a psychic humor blogger? A psychic President would be great. If I knew what was going to happen in the future I could make all the right decisions! #Phil2020<== Go ahead, click that, you know you want to!
Have a great Saturday! I’ll see you on the campaign trail! ~Phil
Donald Trump seems to be doing a wonderful job. Just ask him. He’ll be the first to tell you. Since he took office a year ago he has tweeted about all the things he has accomplished. Let’s look at some:
That’s awesome Donald. Thanks for making us feel so much more secure about the North Korea situation.
Whew! I often fly places for my job. I’m so glad that Donald has made the airlines safer for me. On my last flight he actually buckled me in and then piloted the plane.
That’s great Donald, but the southern border of New Hampshire is Massachusetts.
Wow. This guy is really on a roll.
After this one, I don’t think I can doubt him any more.
I have to give it to him. It’s like he can do anything!
(12/17/16) Me and the Donald are going to have words. Well, maybe not words. Maybe just text abbreviations and emojis. In 2006, Congress passed the Warning, Alert, and Network Response act which allows every cell phone in the United States to get a text message warning of one of three types: A) Amber alerts when a child is missing and/or presumed kidnapped, B) Alerts involving imminent threats to safety or life. or C)Alerts issued by the President.
Yes, that’s right. The man who once tweeted:
and also tweeted:
Yes, that man will be able to text us all. The man is an artiste, is he not? He has a gift for language and I for one can’t wait to receive texts from him on a daily basis. Here’s how I imagine our first text conversation will go:
(As you read this imagine Donald Trumps voice)
From President Donald Trump: All Americans, there is an imminent danger that I am compelled to warn you about. Please disregard a little known blog called #ThePhilFactor. The content provided there about me is incorrect and Phil is a stupid jerk.
Phil: Hey Donald! What’s up? What’s your beef with me?
From President Donald J. Trump: Of course I knew you’d respond. Ur a self-serving attention whore who will do and say anything to get people to like u.
Phil: Donald, umm…. did you listen to your campaign?
From President Donald J. Trump: Look, u and I both know I can’t deliver on any of the ridiculous things I said during the campaign, but the rest of those losers, the Ma & Pa Kettles of middle America are dumb as rocks. We’d be better off if I put a wall up around them. It would be easy. We could probably trap them all in the Walmart on a Saturday afternoon.
Phil: So now you want to keep the Americans out of America?
From President Donald Trump: Yes. Absolutely. Look what they’ve done to the country. If Americans and immigrants hadn’t ruined this country, we wouldn’t have to make it great again!
Phil: Isn’t your wife an immigrant? She’s from Slovenia right?
From President Donald Trump: Oh u think ur so funny don’t you? U and Saturday Night Live think ur so funny when you mock me. Neither of u are funny or relevant any more.
Phil: Saturday Night Live? The American institution that’s been on TV since 1977 and has mocked every President since Gerald Ford? Not funny?
Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump
From President Donald Trump: Yes, all comedians who make a mockery of the political process should be banned.
Phil: Did you say comedians or Canadians?
From President Donald Trump: Both. Most comedians are Canadians and they’re both foreigners. We should ban them all from our great country of North America.
Phil: The country of North America?
From President Donald Trump: Yes. Part of making America great again is making it bigger. We should have all of America. North and South America should all be oursso we can be bigger than Russia & China.
Phil: You do realize that this is a group text to the whole country, right?
From President Donald Trump: Shut up Phil. Bloggers. Bloggers too. I’m going to put a wall around all of you. I have to go. Me and Putin have a couples massage at 1:00 😉
Tell me, does that conversation seem far fetched at all? Having the ability to text everyone at once is pretty cool though. I think it would also be great for my blog. I could text all of you to let you know when I post, and after you read you could text me your comments. So from today forward, please leave your cell number in the comments section so I can start compiling a group text for us.
Me and the Donald are going to have words. Well, maybe not words. Maybe just text abbreviations and emojis. In 2006, Congress passed the Warning, Alert, and Network Response act which allows every cell phone in the United States to get a text message warning of one of three types: A) Amber alerts when a child is missing and/or presumed kidnapped, B) Alerts involving imminent threats to safety or life. or C)Alerts issued by the President.
Yes, that’s right. The man who once tweeted:
and also tweeted:
Yes, that man will be able to text us all. The man is an artiste, is he not? He has a gift for language and I for one can’t wait to receive texts from him on a daily basis. Here’s how I imagine our first text conversation will go:
(As you read this imagine Donald Trumps voice)
From President Donald Trump: All Americans, there is an imminent danger that I am compelled to warn you about. Please disregard a little known blog called #ThePhilFactor. The content provided there about me is incorrect and Phil is a stupid jerk.
Phil: Hey Donald! What’s up? What’s your beef with me?
From President Donald J. Trump: Of course I knew you’d respond. Ur a self-serving attention whore who will do and say anything to get people to like u.
Phil: Donald, umm…. did you listen to your campaign?
From President Donald J. Trump: Look, u and I both know I can’t deliver on any of the ridiculous things I said during the campaign, but the rest of those losers, the Ma & Pa Kettles of middle America are dumb as rocks. We’d be better off if I put a wall up around them. It would be easy. We could probably trap them all in the Walmart on a Saturday afternoon.
Phil: So now you want to keep the Americans out of America?
From President Donald Trump: Yes. Absolutely. Look what they’ve done to the country. If Americans and immigrants hadn’t ruined this country, we wouldn’t have to make it great again!
Phil: Isn’t your wife an immigrant? She’s from Slovenia right?
From President Donald Trump: Oh u think ur so funny don’t you? U and Saturday Night Live think ur so funny when you mock me. Neither of u are funny or relevant any more.
Phil: Saturday Night Live? The American institution that’s been on TV since 1977 and has mocked every President since Gerald Ford? Not funny?
Alec Baldwin as Donald Trump
From President Donald Trump: Yes, all comedians who make a mockery of the political process should be banned.
Phil: Did you say comedians or Canadians?
From President Donald Trump: Both. Most comedians are Canadians and they’re both foreigners. We should ban them all from our great country of North America.
Phil: The country of North America?
From President Donald Trump: Yes. Part of making America great again is making it bigger. We should have all of America. North and South America should all be oursso we can be bigger than Russia & China.
Phil: You do realize that this is a group text to the whole country, right?
From President Donald Trump: Shut up Phil. Bloggers. Bloggers too. I’m going to put a wall around all of you. I have to go. Me and Putin have a couples massage at 1:00 😉
Tell me, does that conversation seem far fetched at all? Having the ability to text everyone at once is pretty cool though. I think it would also be great for my blog. I could text all of you to let you know when I post, and after you read you could text me your comments. So from today forward, please leave your cell number in the comments section so I can start compiling a group text for us.
It appears that Donald Trump will win the Republican nomination for President. In the United States this is big news and the subject of much debate and consternation. I’d be curious what my friends from other countries have heard and think about this. Let’s try to pick a suitable vice-presidential candidate for him. Here are some possibilities and their pros and cons
10. Freddy Krueger: Pros: has the same complexion as Trump. Cons: Finds Trump to be the only thing scarier than himself.
9. Osama Bin Laden: Pros: Hates other cultures as much as Trump. Cons: Dead. Well, Trump is dead inside, so that’s not really a big drawback.
8. Attila the Hun: Pros: Can carry the Hun vote. Cons: It is said that there was never a surviving first person account of his appearance. At the same time we all wish we didn’t have to see Trump as much as we do.
7. “Bloody” Mary the First, Queen of England: Pros: Loved burning at the stake anyone who disagreed with her ideologies. Trump would love that idea. Cons: She’s a woman and Trump hates women.
6. Dr. Phil: Pros: Obnoxious blowhard just like Trump. Cons: Trump doesn’t want anyone to speak as loudly and stupidly as he does.
5. Jeffrey Dahmer: Pros: As a serial killer and cannibal he wouldn’t be shocked or appalled by Donald Trump. Cons: Although a cannibal, he would be nauseous over most of what Trump says.
4. Dr. H. H. Holmes: Pros: First serial killer in American history. He built a hotel just so he could kill guests. Cons: Trump would find it wasteful that he put mints on the pillows every night before killing his guests.
3. Vlad the Impaler: Pros: His fame as inspiration for the fictional character Dracula would certainly draw voter interest. Cons: Trump would be opposed to working with anyone more famous than him.
2. Darth Vader: Pros: Commanding stage presence. Cons: Darth wears a plastic helmet on his head. Trump wears a plastic helmet of hair on his head.
1. Satan: Pros: Enjoys hatred and violence as much as Trump. Cons: Put off by the fact that Trump is “too evil.”
Yes, I know it’s Wednesday and this is a day late. So sue me. Anyway, do you have any other suggestions for Trump running mates? If you’re from another country, what do you think about the possibility of Donald Trump as President? If this post didn’t scare you too much, feel free to share it on FB by hitting the share button below. Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.
thephilfactor.com
