Category Archives: death

The Afterlife To-Do List

In 2022 it has been disconcerting to see so many people, possibly more famous and probably wealthier than me, pass away and I’m realizing it’s possible I may not be able to avoid death.  Don’t get me wrong, I still have no plans to die, but as I get older I like to hedge my bets a little. Hell, if Steve Jobs FitBit didn’t help him avoid death, what chance do I have? That’s right all you FitBit nuts, the Grim Reaper is coming for you no matter how many steps you take today.

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That’s my favorite Grim Reaper. He’s from a cartoon my kids watched. I thought he was particularly funny because he had a Jamaican accent. That’s the first item on my After-Life To Do List: If I’m going to allow myself to be escorted to the other realm it’s got to be him, that Jamaican Grim Reaper. It’s impossible to stay mad at anyone with a Jamaican accent. C’mon man. It will be alright. Let me show you around. Being dead ain’t no big ting… If it’s not him, I’m not going.

Prior to my death, and possibly as soon as this week, I’m going to choose my house to haunt. Who says that you have to haunt your own house? What’s to stop me from haunting the Big Brother house? There’s always people home, so I’d never be bored. I could participate by doing ghosty kind of stuff. How great would Big Brother be if the ten dolts were locked up in a haunted house for three months? And how about if the ghost gets to choose who leaves the house each week by making some mysterious sign, like a mark on a chalkboard or something? I’m totally going to pitch this idea to the producers. I’m putting it in my will just in case I don’t get the contract signed before I pass.

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List of people to haunt: I’m making this list and including in my will that invites be sent out to my funeral. Only the date of the funeral will have to be filled in.  I’m pre-signing the invites now  with the phrase “See YOU soon!” How creepy would it be to get one of those? Also, at my funeral I want every one there to stand up and read their favorite Phil Factor aloud.

Choose My After-Life Occupation: If I have eternity ahead of me, I don’t want to retire yet. Sitting around playing checkers with the old guys at McDonald’s in the afterlife sounds boring. In the after-life I’m going to be a real estate agent helping the recently deceased find the home of their dreams to haunt.

Me: This lovely colonial on a cul-de-sac has five of the living, four bedrooms and two and a half baths..

Recently Deceased: What about pets? I hate pets. Dogs always barking at me. Cats getting spooked when I’m trying to stand quietly in the corner watching TV. They can see us you know.

Me: So are pets a deal breaker for you?

Recently deceased: What about Jennifer Lopez? I’d love to haunt Jennifer Lopez.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Her house just went off the market last month. How about Justin Bieber?

Recently Deceased: Ugh. No thanks.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

Phil found his time as a ghost comedian to be both odd and confusing.

After-Life Hobbies: I never want to be all work and no play, so I’m going to be an amateur stand-up comedian in my spare time. Spare time? I’m dead. All my time is spare! See? I’m writing jokes for the after-life already. Man, I am gonna brighten that place up.

Blogging: Yup, I’m going to continue. I’ve been doing this blog for 17 years. Why should I let death stop me? I’ve pre-written an extra post a week for the last ten years and scheduled them to be released on a regular schedule after my transition to the after-life, Heck, I could be dead already and you wouldn’t know! Why else would I be writing about death?

So, as you can see, there’s lots to do in the after-life, and I don’t want to show up unprepared. What do you want to do after you die? Speaking of ghosts, tonight I’ll be interviewing some local ghostbusters. What do you think I should ask them?

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

The Top Ten Best Last Words

German philosopher Karl Marx last words were “Last words are for those fools who believe they have not yet said enough.” Well guess what? If I know the bill is coming due, I want to have some kick ass last words. Whether we realize it or not, we all have “last words.” Some people know they are speaking their last words, while others don’t have that luxury.

I heard “last words” mentioned in a Seinfeld episode last night and I got to thinking, someday I will have last words and if I do, I want them to be something that is quintessential me and equally memorable to those who hear or read them. So, for fun, I’ll give you this list of famous and funny last words, adding my future last words as the number 1. Am I tempting fate here? Of course I am. But f*ck fate! Who knows? “F*ck fate” might be my last words. In the comments could you add what you think you’d like your last words to be?

10. “Surprise me!” ~Comedian Bob Hope when his wife asked him where he wanted to be buried.

9. “I should never have switched from Scotch to martinis.”  Old actor Humphrey Bogart

8. “Oh wow! Oh wow! Oh wow!” Former Apple leader Steve Jobs. (This one really fascinates me. What was he seeing or experiencing that made him say this?) 

7. “Yeah, country music.” Famous drummer Buddy Rich was being prepped for surgery in 1987 and this is what he said when the nurse asked him if there was anything he couldn’t take.

6. “I knew it! I knew it! Born in a hotel room and, goddamn it, dying in a hotel room.” Pulitzer Prize winning Eugene O’Neill was born in a room at the Broadway Hotel in Times Square. He died at age 65 in a Boston hotel.

5. “Dammit, don’t you dare ask God to help me!”  Actress Joan Crawford.

4. “One never knows the ending. One has to die to know exactly what happens after death, although Catholics have their hopes.” Famous director/film maker Alfred Hitchcock.

3.“I desire to go to Hell and not to Heaven. In the former I shall enjoy the company of popes, kings and princes, while in the latter are only beggars, monks and apostles.” Machiavelli, writer of a book that said that politics are full of deception, treachery and crime. Too bad he’s not around, he’d be glad to see that he’s still right.

2.“Fuck, a bullet wound!” Antonio Jose De Sucre Venezuelan independence leader and President of Peru and Bolivia moments after he was assassinated. President of Peru and Bolivia? How does that happen?

1. “Don’t delete The Phil Factor.” Look, I have one of the longest running blogs in the world, I don’t want my death to be the end of it. I have a few future blogs posts written and scheduled to post many decades into the future. And how creepy will it be when there are replies to the comments?

Speaking of that, in the comments I’d love to hear what you’d like your final words to be be whether they are funny, touching or anything else.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

My Anti-Bucket List

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Thanks a lot Mary Tyler Moore. And I say that with the utmost sarcasm. You had to go and die. No, I wasn’t a feminist woman in the 70’s who felt empowered by your role in a TV show. I’m just a guy who hates death and hates being reminded about it every time someone famous dies.

Some people choose to celebrate life as a way to acknowledge death. There’s even blogs where people write about their “bucket list.” Here’s my bucket list:

 

 

Yup, that’s it. That empty space between these words and the paragraph above is my bucket list. Why, you ask,  do I not have a list of things I’m going to do before I die? That’s easy. I’m not going to die. Death is immensely popular. All the celebrities seem to be doing it. When celebs get old and aren’t getting the big movie roles, it’s seems that they’ll do anything to get attention. Me? I’m not a follower. I don’t live and die, pun intended, on the attention of others.

'It appears he was popped.'

‘It appears he was popped.’

I don’t see the wisdom in creating a bucket list. If you make a list of things you want to do before you die, you are #1 acknowledging that you’re going to die, and #2, what happens when you finish the list? If that isn’t the best way to notify the Grim Reaper that you’re ready to go, then I don’t know what is. And if you find yourself about to kick the bucket and you haven’t finished your bucket list, won’t you feel sad and unfulfilled?

I’ve decided to create an anti-bucket list. What’s an anti-bucket list you ask? It’s a list of things I’m going to do that will likely take me all of eternity. I figure that if I keep myself busy enough, I’ll forget to die. Here is my anti-bucket list:

Make fun of death: My modus operandi in life since I was a kid has been to make fun of things that scare me. Death, you are a big doo doo head. (you can’t see it, but I’m giving Death the finger)

Stick my toes in every ocean and every sea: There are five oceans and seven seas. If you follow my instagram (@ThePhilFactor) in the summer, you know I’m a big fan of sunsets. I want to see the sun set over every ocean and every sea, preferably while I’m standing in each one holding a cold drink.

Read Every Book That I Want To Read: Since it takes me only ten minutes to read myself to sleep every night, this one ought to take me all of eternity.

Live at least three months in all the interesting countries: That’s pretty much all of them. If you’re from another country and you want to live in the States for a few months, let me know and maybe we can house swap.

Meet everyone who reads #ThePhilFactor and say thank you for making my day. This one doesn’t seem as far fetched as you think either. This summer there’s going to a Bloggers Bash in Chicago on Saturday August 26th. Come on out and we’ll hob knob. I don’t know exactly what hob knobbing is, but I’m going to hob knob the hell out of that place!

So that’s my plan. When the Grim Reaper knocks on my door I’ll just reply, “Sorry. Can’t go, I’ve got stuff to do.” In the comments, tell me one thing you’re going to put on your anti-bucket list. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil