Tag Archives: genetics funny

Scientists Making The World Worse, Again…

Posted on February 24, 2024 | 8 comments

Will dinosaurs roam the Earth again? Yes! And maybe by 2027. Apparently scientists, who have never seen the ending of a Jurassic Park movie, are hell bent on making new dinosaurs.

A company, named appropriately as Colossal (as in colossal mistake), is going to use some old woolly mammoth DNA they found lying around and they’re going to mix it with some DNA from an Asian elephant, because their DNA is a 99.6% match. Damn, you never see a score that good on Tinder, right?

The funny part of the whole thing is that the scientists are going to introduce the new woolly mammoths in arctic areas, including northern Russia, because the Siberian area was part of the woolly mammoths natural habitat when they were alive. I’m thinking that this is actually a secret C.I.A. plot to take down Russia and end the Ukraine war. Russia will have to decide if they want to fight the woolly mammoths or the Ukrainians. Take that Putin! 

The stated intent of Colossal for recreating woolly mammoths is to help the environment. Watch the video below. It’s only 1:16. It doesn’t sound real. It sounds as if it’s the beginning of another Jurassic Park movie. After the video ends you can picture a boardroom with a bunch of guys in suits shaking hands with scientists in lab coats. Then someone loudly says, “I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong!”

My question for Colossal is how in the world is adding woolly mammoths going to help the environment? They are basically elephants the size of a house. Can you imagine how much methane gas those things are going to give off when they walk around farting? And their poops are going to be as big as an eight year old child. Who’s going to be picking those up? Is there a doggy bag big enough for that? Yes, I turned a genetics discussion into a fart joke.

I’m really hoping that my theory about the C.I.A. is right. Between dinosaurs and evil A.I., I’m kind of worried about the future of mankind.

Have a great weekend and thanks for reading! ~Phil

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I Look Great in My Genes

Posted on January 3, 2021 | 1 comment

After sending my spit to 23andMe in early December I waited with great anticipation to see what insights I could glean from my genetic analysis. Would I actually be Pat Sajak‘s nephew as I might have once claimed in an effort to impress girls? Or even worse yet, related to one of you? Would I have a genetic marker for a terrible disease? Would my ancestry come from countries I hadn’t anticipated? Or would I learn a bunch of obscure, weird stuff that no one really needs to know?

The answer is of course that I learned a bunch of really weird stuff.

Yes,  I learned the mundane things like 99.6% of my ancestry is from the British Isles. I’m Irish, English and Scottish. No surprises there. But there was one tiny surprise. Apparently my great, great, great grandmother must have gotten jiggy with someone during her spring break in Finland back in 1820. 0.3% of my DNA is of Finnish ancestry. Who knows, maybe I’m heir to the throne.

Now let’s get to the weird stuff! 

-My genes show that if I eat asparagus, I’m likely to be able to notice that my urine smells bad later.  Oddly, I’ve never been an asparagus eater anyway.

-I’m less likely than average to have a bunion! Check. No bunions yet! I think I may pursue a career as a foot model! 

-I have slightly higher odds of disliking cilantro. I don’t even know what cilantro tastes like. 

-My muscle composition is common in elite power athletes. Quite obviously I have used my superior muscles for blogging. I typed this whole thing in two minutes and eighteen seconds. 

-I’m likely to have “wet earwax”. Oddly, I really don’t ever have earwax, but if I did, I wouldn’t want it to be wet. Eeew!

-I’m less likely to have a fear of heights. This checks out. I’m typing this from my treehouse

-I’m likely to be bitten less frequently by mosquitos. I’ve never once had malaria

-I’m less likely to have stretch marks! That’s true. I have three kids but the skin on my stomach is as pristine as porcelain. 

-I’m likely to wake up at 7:32 a.m. They are way off on this one. 

-My big toe is likely longer than my second toe. That’s true. Like I said, foot modeling career here I come! 

Yes, those were all insights that I gained from my genetic analysis. There were others that were less interesting, like maybe a slightly higher likelihood of eventually coming down with certain diseases as I age, which is the case with everyone. I didn’t find any shockers or any new family members (Sorry Pat Sajak). But as I said, look for my feet in national ads soon. Maybe I’ll be a foot double for some actor with hideous feet! The possibilities are endless! My gene analysis has opened up a world of opportunity !

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23 and Me (And maybe YOU!)

Posted on December 20, 2020 | Leave a comment

That’s right, I’ve thrown my genetic matter into the pool and who knows who I might be related to? It could be you! How great would that be? Me and you hanging out for Christmas next year! Maybe we’ll take a family vacation together this summer! You could be my long lost brother or sister. Or maybe you’re my mom or dad. The possibilities are endless.

I ponied up the $99 to learn about my genetics. It’s not that I’m looking for more relatives. I already have a lot of those. My father had eight siblings, so I’d need a stadium to put all my cousins in one place. My interest is more in what my genes can tell me about myself medically. Admittedly, despite my best efforts and my insistence on never ever acting my age, I do keep getting older every year. In fact, I’m going to do it again on Wednesday. So, my goal is to learn about the genetic markers that might tip me off about possible future illnesses that could try to kill me.

But, if I find out I’m related to one of you, I will announce it HERE on my blog. How weird would it be if that’s how you find out that you’re the heir to The Phil Factor fortune? My wife did one of these ancestry tests a few years ago and now has two more brothers that she never knew about. It turns out that I’m one of them, which has really put a damper on our love life. Sometimes you never really know your parents, do you?

If you want to see if you and I are swimming naked in the same gene pool, send your fecal sample to 23andMe. Just kidding. You only need to send some spit. That’s it. A little spit is the key to the blueprint for all of mankind! If I get my results before Friday, I’ll be sending you a Christmas card. See you at the next Phil Factor Family Reunion!

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

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